Kiwi,
I think this is a pretty strong start. And this time around I have a few pieces of real advice to give you.
Good: I thought this story was original, funny, and unique. I think at times you do a very good job at describing the surroundings. This is definately something I would continue to tighten, as well as, continue!
Bad: There are times when choice of words could use restructuring. There are times when your dialogue takes weird turns; mainly thought process and speech. This might be the point, but to me it sounds almost fakely scripted. <dunno if that makes sense>. Unlike the last piece which had no grammatical errors, this has several. I will admit grammar is my weak spot, but I will do my best to actually point out a few.
It’s really not easy being a scullery maid, she thought to herself as she strode along. Scrub, cut, wash, and then all over again the next day, it certainly is boring. Those nobles have no idea, and I’ve heard them complain a lot! Oh I just cannot go on! The weight of deciding where to plant this years’ field of turnips is too much for me! Stupid nobles.
This is some of the dialogue I was talking about. Though it is a thought process, your character is thinking how much this sucks...then goes right into nobility...and how much they suck. Once again this may be the point, but thought process...even speech generally does not work that way.
That fat king was to busy eating to improve his living conditions!
Possibly "The fat king had been so busy eating that he had forgot to improve his living conditions."
The reason I made this change is because the way it is written the paragraph is a statement. If your PoV character is thinking your phrase would have been fine. As it is, it needs to sound like a statement. Since the king was doing this....he had forgot this...<if that makes sense>
She had always loved trees, climbing them since she had been able to walk, and worrying whoever was unfortunate enough to be stuck with watching the mischievous child she had been...
That sentence was a tad too long for my taste. For whatever reason, I had to re-read it four times before I saw what you were saying. I offered a possible change, and by no means, is it perfect. :)
"She had always loved trees, climbing them since she had been able to walk. Of course, this had led to whoever was unfortunate enough to watch her, worrying over the child's mishievous nature."
In fact, the only thing that Elamdar had going for him was his looks, which he got from his mother, who was quite beautiful, but as stupid as a cow.
This is another sentence that needs to be restructured. I think it can be tighened down and more powerful.
Though I only copied over four things, there are many more length/word choice/and structure problems with this piece. All of these can be fixed easily, and in no way detract from the nifty story!
Good Job! Keep writing!! |
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