Overall I enjoyed the piece, do you have any horror moments planned for this work, because I feel the opportunity is rip for it, unknown monsters harassing the main character and his team mates as they try to track it down. Textbook horror.
I feel potential in this work, although it has the familiar premise of a lot of anime I've seen so that's a down side.
I noticed plenty of spelling errors (This going from a guy who he himself sucks at spelling);
"such as?" - "Such as?"
"All i know is" - "All I know is"
"sorry. I'm just excited" - "Sorry. I'm just excited."
classified tier 1. when - classified tier 1. When
stop and wait. we waited - stop and wait. We waited
a Nad-é is, A Nad-é is - a Nad-é is, a Nad-é is (This confused my brain for a bit as well)
throughout the group as i - throughout the group as I
"so yes" He continued - "So yes" He continued
Okay? now please follow me - Okay? Now please follow me
what to do. we all - what to do. We all
"Hello men thank you for coming I know" - "Hello men, thank you for coming." (This one is more or less a gut feeling on the structure)
"properly use them. allow me" - "properly use them. Allow me"
"they need a catalyst A handle" - "they need a catalyst. A handle"
"if you will. you men" - "if you will. You men"
"not just wands. even if" - "not just wands. Even if"
"understand? here" - "understand? Here"
said in a loud voice "sanctum" - said in a loud voice "Sanctum!" (Make the reader feel like the word is being shouted, rather than merely saying it is)
Great-sword - great-sword
"with a sword?" damn you - "with a sword?" Damn you
against A Gyro - against a Gyro
One you must have - One, you must have
Two you must vocally - Two, you must vocally
Three You must have - Three, you must have
"..." she - "..." She
appeared in my mind A word - appeared in my mind. A word
phantom voice. could it be - phantom voice. Could it be
"who's me?" - "Who's me?"
my sword "so you're" - my sword, "So you"
[...]
alright lets - Alright lets
[... secret]
[why? we are partners] - [Why? We are partners]
[Us.]
this doesn't make - This doesn't make
[while I am sword I can hear your thoughts]\ - [While I am sword I can hear your thoughts]
hears are? this isn't good - hear are? This isn't good
that your nad-é! - that your Nad-é?!
"My nad-é" - "My Nad-é"
cool like ,shotgun nunchuks, - cool like, shotgun nunchuks
Nevertheless, spelling mistake and all, good on you for having a crack at writing something, and good on you again for having the courage to put it forth for others to criticise.
All the best with you're writing endeavours, and feel free to hop over to my portfolio and give your opinion on some of the stuff I'm working on.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 12:38pm on Nov 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "