I really liked this! My favorite line was "let's thunder out on the grand highway"- pretty cool. The only thing I'd suggest changing is last line; it just seemed a little cliched and predictable. but overall i loved it =) write on!
Ash
I really like this! One suggestion I'd make is to mke the message (if you meant there to be one) a little clearer.... when you say 'sometimes, wait is eternal", are you trying to imply that if you just sit around and hope/wish/dream, nothing will come of your dreams? That having dreams is important because they provide motivation? Or are you simply saying that everyone wishes for things they don't get? I thouht ths was really thoughful and intriguing- i especially liked the stanza about unshared sunrises/sunsets, but i think if you put if more though and direction into this poem it would even better! thanks for sharing this and please write on!
-ash
haha i love this, it's cute and fun! It flows well. one little suggestion: don't let the desire to rhyme ever dictate what you're trying to say... a few of the rhymes, like the one in the last stanza (taste/waste) seemed a little forced. Overall i thought this was great! write onnn
I really like this! I love poems that convey a thoughful, creative idea. It flows well and is just overall lovely.
-One line I thought could use some editing was 'do we really need to speak; passion a universal language'- it's a little confusing. What about "Do we really need to speak out loud? We have passion, a universal language." I don't know if that works or not, but you might want to change that line just a little, somehow...
-typo: shriek was misspelled in the last stanza.
This is awesome, please write on :)
I think it's really good! I love the idea of being bound but not captive, of being hopeful and free despite having such a deadly disease. It's a really creative, fresh way at looking at cancer.
A few suggestions:
-"that they will not fear that they will be sentenced to be bound in sickness and pain": is a little awkwardly worded.. you could try something like "They day when women no longer fear cancer's binding sentence of lasting sickness and pain"
-In the last stanza, i noticed a typo- you wrote 'cone' instead of 'come'.
-Just work a little on the phrasing, expand the vocabulary a little... make it flow!
For a first attempt this is really impressive, definitely keep working on it!
Wow what an unexpected twist! This was written very well and for the most part I thought the rhyme and and meter was really good! The 2nd to last stanza was particularly clever and well-done.
The only line I felt didn't work so well was the last one, actually. It just felt wrong, but that's just me.
Honestly, I loved this.
Keep writing!
ash
Hey, i thought this was really good! I know the feeling.
The title really pulled me in- its perfect!
My favorite line? "world domination, as plotted by mice.../ to stick to just one idea would be nice" haha that's clever.
here's a few suggestions: the 7th stanza is a little hard to understand, i'd change it a little to make it clearer.
Also, "questing for the great idea i might not ever find" doesn't flow that well- i'd try something like 'questing for that great idea i fear ill never find" or somthing like that.
Overall, awesome piece. Write on!
Ash
This was so sweet! I thought the whole thing was heartfelt and beautifully written. My favorite line? The last two! Pretty clever (: I hope one day (not quite in the near future) to be a mom, and i know i'll feel the same way: i'll pray to be a great mom, to raise a great kid.
Anyway, this was an excellent poem, and please write on!
-Ash
Hi, you were kind enough to review one of my poems, so i thought i'd return the favor!
Okay, so i have very little experience with poe- i just remember my 6th grade teacher horrifying me (in a good way) by reading the black cat to me... So, please forgive me if this review isn't very helpful. Anyway, I enjoyed this! The only problem I had with it was it seemed almost like an outline for a great story, like you could have written more! Overall, though, it was very enjoyable to read.
Here's a few suggestions:
Make the sentence, "How the devil’s men had known every twist and turn my loyal subjects made and had waited accordingly" into a question, so the reader feels more suspense.
THis was an amazing poem! It wasn't depressing and packed with emotion, but rather, with sights and memories. It has the feeling of light regret, slightly like a dream. What a great read!
I had many favorite lines, but one in particular:
"love and fractured vows... only youth could claim". Beautiful and brilliant!
One small suggestion i had was in the first paragraph- I'd change the line 'riding carboard over ice'- it just doesn't fit with the rest of the poem for some reason.
Thanks for sharing this! Someone once told me that lyrics are just words not good enough to be called poetry, but if they read this, i think they'd disagree. (:
Here are a few minor suggestions/typos i found:
-2nd line- 'now i just cannot lo[o]se'
-In the second to last stanza, try to remain constant with your rhyming scheme...
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this.
Please write on!
-Ash
This was excellent! Not only did you describe the character and her life story w/o boring the reader, you did it beautifully! I loved the ending and the overall story was lighthearted and just fun to read!
The only thing I can suggest is.. make it longer! I want to see where this goes. (=
Thanks for sharing this.
-Ash
Wow, i thought this was a really cool poem! I loved how it the beginning and end were the same, so it was like a circle.
my fav lines: tawny twigs tango in the trees!
I love it (=
One suggestion I'd like to make is to work on how it flows- the line 'auburn leaves skip along each gust' are a little hard to say- they don't really flow so well.
Overall, this is a beautiful poem! Thanks so much for sharing it!
Thanks for sharing this! It's very sad/sweet. I loved how you repeated 'i will still' a lot- it really made a point! The only suggestion i would make is to try and break the pattern a little and do something unexpected with it!
Overall, i really liked this poem! keep writing!
-Ash
This poem was very enjoyable to read! it is written, i believe, with the mood of spring- light and cheerful.
My favorite line is 'Nature's Missive/ "winter's past"'. lovely!
here's a few suggesions/questions i had:
-"bees, drift, lazy" is there a reason why you put a comma after bees?
-The only stanza that needs a little work is the last one
What a beautiful piece of writing! There are a bunch of grammatical errors, esp. involving commas, but content-wise this is excellent! i especially like how you use a "presence" as...global warming, perhaps? it's hard to tell. My favorite pair of words is "unending death"- that fits the idea of global warming. I'm just curious- you said it accidently turned pro-green... what did you originally intend it to be?
Anyway, great job. Write on!
I am very impressed by this poem. I can tell you are very restless and sick of your life- i bet a lot of people can relate. I like the lines, "And take me up and out of here/ and into a battle i shall call my home" Ahh great! so unexpected and ironic! (: you're an excellent writer.
Aw! the girl who gets this poem is very lucky! i wish my boyfriend wrote me poems like this. Ok, my favorite lines are 'she's the one who set my soul free/ that girl is my one and only you'. Love it! The only advise i have is to change the lines "i don't care what others say, i don't mind what they see...just as long as we're meant to be" I don't think the girl reading this would be too flattered by that- it's kind of suggesting that people would think something of you if you liked her/asked her out.. do you see what i mean?
But overall, this poem was very sweet and heartfelt- great job!
I am an American. I agree! The only problem i have with this 'poem' is the anger throughout it- it's brilliant, yes, but the tone is anti-war, and anti-war based poems are usually a bit more peaceful. Don't get me wrong- I can see why you're angry- but sometimes anger insights more anger, not action. but yes, thank god bush's term is just about over. great job! brilliant!
hahah! this was so clever! i loved it!! i'd tell you what my favorite line is, but they're all my favorite!my ONLY suggestion is the order is a bit scattered and random- if you feel like it, you may want to arrange it by some theme- either literally from head to toe, or some other deep theme... but overall, excellent!! (:
i loved this poem! it flowed beautifully, and i know how hard it is to rhyme w/o sounding fake... soo good job! the only thing that needs work is the line 'against a stronger man'; if you are a male, i would suggest saying 'against stronger hands' instead. oh, and i LOVE the line, 'then shave off all my fears'! brilliant.
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