I read most of the first half and kind of skimmed the second half. It's a good story, and bears developing, but the first thing I noticed is something I have trouble with too. The verb tense changes from present to past in the first 3 sentences. Big no-no as you know, but an easy mistake to miss. Also a couple of spelling errors throughout, and I (and this is just a personal opinion) am not a fan o cliche's, e.g. shivers down his spine, take a minute to change the expression and make it your own. Good read though. Keep on keepin' on, (he says after stating his disdain for cliche's...)
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