Hello! I think your story is neat, but there's a few things that could need some improvement.
First of all, there's a few misspellings. In Chapter 1, "unaware" is written as "unware", and in the next sentence, "ignore" is supposed to be in past tense. Also, the part where protagonist went to a bookstore could become its own paragraph. Not a big deal, just something I caught while reading.
I feel these could have just merged into one chapter. Chapter 2 is basically continuing and expanding on Chapter 1. If it's really supposed to be a separate chapter then it should be able to stand up as its own arc/scene, not as a pause for dramatic purpose. Changing how Chapter 2 starts off should be good enough. For example, it could start with "Well, that's what I told myself that day but in reality I was..." This way, the beginning seems connected to the previous chapter but reader can tell it's a different arc. Of course, this is just my opinion.
There's a lot of telling going on, but not enough showing. I get that this story is told from the experience of the protagonist (and I'm assuming from the title that she is the focus), but it could really need some accentuation on why the boyfriend is bad and narcissistic. As it is, the story feels like a stranger unloading their emotional baggage to the reader who has no idea who the heck their ex is. There is a lot of mentioning of how abusive he was, but we didn't get to see or know what he did. It's not very convincing to us, and in worst cases it might misled us into thinking the narrator is trying to lie to us or there's a plot twist going on (at least that's what I almost thought of). In my opinion, this is a very weak start of a story.
The scene where the protagonist asked her ex why he didn't care for her like she did? More of that, please. I really want to see/hear those small bits and pieces of their lives, which at the same time serve as evidences to the fact that he's a narcissist. Although if I'm being honest, that scene is still not strong enough to convince me. At least not when it's all by itself in a chapter. Maybe for the beginning you should mention several small signs of his narcissism (be specific! "Mocking my favourite dress" is more interesting than "insulting me"). Or one dramatic scene from him for a stronger first impression. Whichever you pick, I think it's very important to give readers reason to believe the narrator and keep on reading, especially in these early chapters.
With that said, I do think your story have potential. I really like how you wrote the protagonist's feelings and how she felt trapped in the relationship because of her own loyalty. You really captured the insecurity of one's own feeling after a breakup. The premise seems promising as a story about experience with a narcissist and how it affect her life. I'm sorry if my comment is offending you or seem mean spirited. I hope you will continue on writing.
Uhmm... What happen? I can't understand much about this story. Does Weird Face Girl got a grudge or she was just a ghost? Those other characters... Does they really necessarily showed up in this story?
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/astha
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 1:58am on Nov 17, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "