Could you perhaps explain how Bill retains his ability to change into a squirrel after the squirrel king has been defeated?
Could the hotdogs that Bob eats be heated instead of cold? I feel as though that might make him more powerful, and make me less likely to feel nauseous while thinking about cold hotdogs.
Although its probably strange to ask for more character development in a story about magical squirrels and the power of meat products, I’m going to anyway. It’s a great start. But, in order to assure that the story does not seem forcedly zany, you might think about expanding the basic characters, and having an extended intro in which bacon does not become quite so prominent, quite so quickly. That way it becomes a story that really pulls the reader into the scene and—if possible with bacon carpets—becomes a little more real and organic feeling.
This poem sets out with an image and an idea and develops both very well. Also, the poem's title is great.
Possible problems could be that the idea of the stones begins to overcome the pain of watching someone deal with addiction. For me, at least, the lines about fighting “the demons of intemperance" with "turquoise shield" build upon the moon imagery above and give the last lines a fantasy feel.
Now, these references to turquoise shields and "moonstone [s] of good fortune" might come from a specific tradition or culture, but without developing the human pain of the poem, their imagery can be somewhat overwhelming and seemingly inauthentic.
My suggestion would be to expand the poem, interspersing personal imagery with the stone metaphors; especially in the last two stanzas. Then these well crafted stanzas would not loose the power of their imagery by seeming too abstracted from the personal trauma created in the early stanzas.
Overall, good start though. Very unique transformation of a difficult theme.
Great scary ending that arises from what--at first-- looks like a cheesy self-affirmation poem. I really like that I think that you manipulate the reader with that. Over all, this is a great start, but could use some polishing to make the poem's progression more gradual, and thus compelling.
While the sudden transition in the last stanza helps to set up the violence of the last line, I think it might work better if the previous stanzas built on each other structurally. That might not make sense; maybe I can clarify. Right now, for me, the poem works as a conversation, with each stanza inviting the reader deeper into the psyche of the speaker, but the way they sound does not pull the reader along because they are repetitious without real development. Then you jump immediately into a new style with no real transition. The structure's abruptness works against the very strong thematic growth, which is really very good.
Good luck, and I hope this was helpful.
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