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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/azulofegypt39
Review Requests: OFF
326 Public Reviews Given
326 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
WARNING: If I say "I'm going to be brutally honest" I'm not lying and you may or may not cry (it's happened before.)
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Historical Fiction, Mythology
Least Favorite Genres
Nonfiction, Romance (although the occasional good one I'll review)
Favorite Item Types
Well, I suppose statics. I like crosswords, but those don't particularly need reviews. I read more short stories than poems.
Least Favorite Item Types
Uh, I probably won't read a script, because I would prefer to see them acted out.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of The Dialogue 500  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your contest today!

Your contest is very aesthetically pleasing, and I really like your logo. The winged typewriters are really original and, as far as I'm aware, cannot be found anywhere else. This makes winged typewriters a specifically Dialogue 500 thing.
You're consistent with your color scheme, which is something I will sometimes get on people with contests for. The fonts you use, especially in your logo, are great. The contest rules also do exactly what you are trying to get authors to do: show a voice through written word. The rules are humorous and have a very distinct voice behind them, which stays consistent throughout the entirety. Usually, rules are listed rote, which is fine, but can be bland and boring. Whether or not you have intended to, you've created a good example of a dialogue of sorts (monologue I suppose).
If this contest keeps up, you may want to look into getting a commissioned Merit Badge. I never suggest that to contests, but yours looks like it could be ready for one. Also, I want a badge with a winged typewriter on it now *Smile*.
The one thing that I would change is the prompt. It may be just this month, but, to me, the prompt seems too specific. Broadening it, like "write an argument" or something like that, may help with that.
Also, at the very bottom, you should clarify whether the contest ends at 12:00 AM August 31st or 12:00 AM September 1st, because right now you have midnight on the last day of every month, which could be interpreted either way.
Thanks for letting me review your piece,
CJR
2
2
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

As someone whose writing depends almost entirely on dialogue, my initial reaction to this contest is always *Gag*, but then I remember that this is actually a really good idea to force writers like me to get out of their comfort zone. I may have to try this, see what I can come up with. As far as organization, your contest is very well organized and concise.
Your images, however, do throw things off a bit. I think that the shushing image at the bottom would look better formatted like this:
Don't forget!
image
No Dialogue!
Also, I would put the Quill Awards Nominee signature somewhere else and make your logo full size. In addition to this, if there is a way to remove the watermark, that'd probably be nice as well. If you're interested, I can do it for you, or try to redesign a logo for your contest that has a similar theme. I personally prefer logos that have the contest's name in them.
I don't have much else to say on this contest, other than that it looks really good, other than the thought of writing without dialogue makes me gag *Laugh*
Thanks for letting me review your piece,
CJR
3
3
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your contest today!

As you probably know, I love this contest. It is what introduced me to interaction with other people on WDC, and was my main source of GP income when I first joined. This contest is great for a lot of reasons. You make it a flash fiction contest, and you're very, very consistent. I think this and Writer's Cramp are the longest continual-running daily contests on WDC, and that takes a lot of commitments, so I applaud you for that.
I don't have much for suggestions here. You say "Thanks to Kaya" for the image, although there's not a user tag, so I don't know if it's a WDC user or not. If it is, you may want to change that. If not, don't bother. Literally the only other thing I have to suggest is that you have the 16th Birthday Masquerade link, and you should probably change that to be the 17th Birthday or remove it (looking forward to working with you by the way *Smile*).
Overall, this is a great contest, and although I don't enter it anymore cause I've lost the ability to write good flash fiction, it will always hold a special place in my heart.
Thanks for letting me review your contest,
CJR
4
4
Review of Stars  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

This is a very beautiful prose piece, and I'm glad to have read it. I like the juxtaposition that you've created. Although I find it difficult to take either of these characters as real (apologies if this is based on reality, they're just so extreme), they demonstrated a harmony that I think is very important to get across, especially in this day and age.
Your story is well formatted, and well written. I am a self-admitted grammar snob, however, and there are a few errors that are easy to remedy.
The words "starry eyed" should be "starry-eyed." I don't know if you know the rule for hyphens, but I will inform you of it either way. Essentially, if you can remove either of the words and have the sentence still make sense, a hyphen is not necessary. If it does not make sense, a hyphen is necessary. Although a starry idiot makes sense, an eyed idiot does not make sense and therefore, a hyphen is necessary.
Also, a quick dust-up of commas may be necessary. Check the Purdue Owl Comma Quick Rules  Open in new Window. to ensure that all commas are placed properly.
Overall, I did really like this piece; it is very sweet.
Thanks for letting me review your work,
CJR
5
5
Review of Anime Hamster  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

As someone who strongly dislikes anime, this title made me cringe. But that's a personal thing. This story is very good, even if I am not a huge fan of any of the characters. If you're looking into expansion, I'd personally love to see Daniels follow through with his end of the bet. Now that would be a fun exercise in character.
There's what I think are a few comma errors within this piece, but I can't give you definitives, really. They're not enough to detract, just some suspicious lackings. I'd double check with the Purdue Owl Quick Comma Rules  Open in new Window. to make sure everything is in place.
The other issue I have with this is a small continuity error. What was Daniels' Facebook status became a tweet with Miriam. As a recently graduated guy, I'd advise ditching the Facebook status altogether in favor of a tweet, like you said. High schoolers don't use Facebook that much.
Also, I'd just like to add that I was disgusted with the fact that I was able to vaguely understand all of your geek references *Laugh*.
Thanks for letting me review your work,
CJR
6
6
Review of A Good Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

You know what? I understand why the cover for your Short Stories portfolio is Poe. You've truly captured Poe's essence here. I spent the majority of the story thinking "This is one creepy dude." And then, there was the sleep potion. Which, by the way, I was not expecting, but the thought had crossed my mind this time. Honestly, my bet was that Mary was a reincarnated Nefertiti who was going to seduce Jones and take his heart for some evil purpose.
This one could use a grammar dust-up. There are a couple of missing hyphens; see my last review for the rules on that. Also, there's a couple comma errors. They're mainly to do with prepositional interjections.
The other suggestion I have does not have anything to do with grammar. Basically, some of the words you use betray a Brit trying to write an American character. There are two phrases, in particular, that do this. "Autumn Quarter" is one. I know of no professor in America that does not refer to "Autumn Quarter" as "Fall Quarter." Although your usage is correct, using the term "Fall Quarter" will cement the idea that this is an American in America. Also, "River Isis". You could chalk this up to those two years he spent at Ashmolean, but the average American is going to have no idea what you're talking about. Sadly, the average American may even believe that you're referring to a river controlled by ISIS *Laugh*.
That's all I have to say about this piece, but I think it is my favorite thus far.
Thanks for letting me read your work,
CJR
7
7
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

Well, that was quite a... twist. *Laugh* I seriously applaud your ability to create a twist that even I couldn't see coming. I believe this is the first time in a long while that someone has caught me off-guard. Usually, I am at least aware that a twist is a possibility. I had not even considered the possibility of cannibalism. The only thing that even remotely made me aware of what might be going on was the fact that Jenny was still in her old house, and the rest of her family was missing.
As far as suggestions, there are not many. There is at least one technical error, and I'm very stingy on my five-star ratings. The error in question is this "her white, horse-skin coat". The more I think about this, the less sure I am, but I am fairly confident that the word white is describing the word horse-skin as well as the word coat. That would make the word white an adverb, and make the comma not necessary. Again, I'm not exactly sure about this, but it was strange enough to throw me off, so a reword may be necessary. "Coat of white horse-skin" would leave little doubt, albeit add a word to the word count.
That reword is the only thing problem that I have with this piece, though, so good job!
Thanks for letting me review your piece,
CJR
8
8
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

You really captured me here. Without naming any names at all, you've created a sympathy which I rarely feel for people I don't know. At first, I just assumed this was a fictional story. And then I got to the bottom. I am sorry to discover that this was a true story, and I am sorry for your having to go through these struggles. I don't have a ton of suggestions for this piece, but the ones I do have I will make as gently and respectfully as possible. I imagine that this is a very personal piece for you, and I have had people cry when I review their personal pieces before. My goal is for that to not happen.
Your grammar is excellent. There are only a few mistakes. For example, "The first sign of it; the overflowing..." the semicolon should be a colon. There's nothing serious enough to detract from the story, but a good look-through to catch any minutia.
The other thing I suggest is a continuation of the update section. You stop in 2007, which is now ten years ago. You've created an emotional investment for the reader here, and we want to see your son happy and recovered ten years later, or know if he or you need support in a second case of relapse.
That's all I really have to say about this piece. It is really well done.
Thank you for letting me review your piece,
CJR
9
9
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

You have an intriguing piece set up here. I've never heard of a SteamPunk war story before, so this should make an interesting novel. You are also excellent in your character development, especially with Ronan. You do leave us on a cliffhanger, but I believe that that is your intention, so props for that!
Your title appears to be asking for suggestions, advice, and opinions, so the remainder of my review will be dedicated to doing that.
Ironically, my first suggestion is to change the title of the piece. It is all fine and good that you want input, but the title of your piece is not the place to do that. I would suggest changing the title of this item from "Suggestions, advice, and opinions" to "Devils and Spawns-- Sample Chapter". It has occurred to me that perhaps "Suggestions, advice, and opinions" is the title of the chapter. Because "advice" and "opinions" are not capitalized, this is not clear. Always capitalize everything in titles except for and/or/the, and other small words that are givens. I don't know which of those two suggestions help more, but either situation is covered.
My other big thing for you is readability. Your story, in its current format, is very difficult to read. One way you can fix this is by keeping a maximum of one quote per paragraph. This is what you are supposed to do, and not doing so makes your paragraphs long and difficult to read. In addition to this, adding {size:3.5} before your item text will make the size of the text bigger, which will also make it easier to read. Also, when you switch viewpoints, try to denote it by skipping a line and adding some asterisks or emoticons, and then skipping another line. This will keep readers from getting confused when you switch to a different viewpoint, as I was confused at the switch from Ronan to Luther halfway through.
Finally, this piece is in need of a good grammar scrub. There isn't any error that is consistent enough for me to point out, but your grammar needs to be impeccable for a talent search, so make it that way. Some things you may want to watch for are correct comma usage and correct, non-run-on sentences.
Overall, your plot intrigued me, and once you fix the other things that I've mentioned, the presentation will match the excellence of the plot!
Thanks for letting me review your work,
CJR
10
10
Review of The Witch's House  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your group today!

I'm under the impression that this is a philanthropic group. However, I feel that if this is the truth, it could be more extended. I'm sure you've had a great impact on WDC, why don't you tell us about what you've done? In addition to this, you have no mention of how one joins the group, which is bad if you want new members. If it's a strictly invitation-only membership, then you should say that somewhere. I'd also advise including a description of what membership entails, which is more-or-less the same as telling people what you've done.
That being said, you do make excellent usage of the various mL options for text, and your theme is clear and consistent. The images do seem slightly random, but I imagine they are for decoration, and they do stay on theme, so I can't really complain.
Also, there is some comment about November being 50-50 fundraiser time, but it is not November. Keeping the group page updated will make the group seem lively and active, and therefore more likely to get GP donations. *Smile*
Thanks for letting me review your group,
CJR
11
11
Review of He Did It!  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

Although not a lot physically happened to Jane in this piece, it was still very exciting. I was left wondering if the police would believe Jane, and then wondering if they were going to catch Ken, and then wondering if the news report was going to cause issues if Ken escaped. Usually, stories don't keep me guessing the whole way through, but you've done that, so good job!
One thing I would suggest is to change the opening line. Although it does establish the fact that your name is Jane Yarbrough, it feels a bit weird considering the rest of the piece is not technically directly speaking to the audience. A simple solution to this would be to cut that statement, or at least move it and rephrase it. It does provide the vital information of the name and the fact that she's a remote administrative assistant, but I think that there are better ways to work that in than saying it outright at the beginning. The other problem I have is more of a logical thing. If Jane lives in a separate building from Ken, how does she know his name? Are the windows close enough that they can speak? You tell us that Jane knows him a bit, but maybe just like a simple "at the complex party" or something like that would help with the why they know each other when they're not physically living that close together.
This is a good piece, and it might even warrant a follow-up piece where Ken escapes and wants his revenge. Just an idea, though.
Thanks for letting me review your work,
CJR
12
12
Review of Heads Up  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

This piece is very funny. The twist at the end was great; I didn't see it coming, which is unusual. I wonder what ever inspired you to write something like it? The other thing I wonder is how your character got his foot run over by a car and yet was able to walk away with only a bruise. Feet have a lot of bones, and a car is very heavy, so I imagine there was at least one crushed bone there. Maybe something to consider if you go over it again.
One of the few things I have to say for improvement is a comma thing. Your recurring phrase, "Lucky penny my ass", needs to have a comma in it. "My ass" is an interjection, so I believe it should be cordoned off by a comma. The same goes for "indeed".
Also, I think that "which had two of its tires slashed" should be "had had two of its tires slashed." I'm not exactly sure on that one; I think it has something to do with tense. "Had had" sounds better in my mind.
Overall, this was a nice, funny piece and I am glad to have read it.
Thanks for letting me review your work,
CJR
13
13
Review of Just Beyond  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

This is a nice little piece, and, with a little polishing, it will be great!
I like the way you really talk out the society of the day. To me, being married at 23 seems a bit young, but you make it seem perfectly normal that a 23-year-old woman is almost too old to be married. You also do a good job on the dialogue. To me, dialogue is the most important part of a piece. It is the perfect way to show and not tell, in my opinion. The ending was sweet, albeit predictable from the line "you're not hard to look at" on. Everyone loves a happy ending, although I wonder how Jacob Hollister would react. That may be a good follow-up story, if you're looking to do something like that.
My big issue with this is the commas. I'm constantly harping on people for comma errors. It appears that you have a lot of seemingly random, incorrect commas within the piece; you also have a lot of missing commas. I recommend using the Purdue Owl's Comma Quick Rules  Open in new Window. to authors who are editing for commas. To give you an example of what I'm talking about, I'll show you the first sentence, with corrections made in light blue.
Rose, stretched her legs, while the wagon master, worked on the loosened wheel.
So, no commas are necessary in that first sentence. This is just an example; there are several other errors like that. It'll be a quick fix, no worries.
Overall, a nice, sweet story!
Thanks for letting me review your work,
CJR
14
14
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

This piece is exciting, but I think it needs expansion. You've got me hooked, but you left me on the ear, and now I want to know what happened to Charlie and Ron! I knew this Billy was a suspicious guy from the way you described him. You do a good job at really getting me into Debbie's head. I can catch the way she thinks about things through little hints, and she strikes me as a bit of a snob, but not unreasonably so.
I have a few suggestions, though, and I think they'll help with editing!
I'll start with formatting. I don't like reading stories that are not in black colored font, so the blue was a bit of a throw-off for me. That's my opinion, but I imagine there are others who share it. Additionally with formatting, since your paragraphs are so long, you may want to consider using the WDC indent {indent}. This will make your paragraphs look less boxy.
Within the text itself, I thought I'd alert you that the wrong word was used in your piece. Debbie refers to the working class as moving in a "hoard". This should be "horde". Hoard is used as a verb and to describe a large group of items, whereas horde is used to describe a large group of people.
The other overall suggestion I have is to cut down on word usage. You have excellent imagery, but it also begins to get tedious reading so many adjectives. While they are all grammatically correct, I got a bit tired of reading descriptions of things that weren't super important to the story line. For instance, it's fine to know that Debbie walked briskly down the sticky stairs, but after reading several other tidbits like that, I'm more interested in what's going to happen.
My final suggestion is to introduce the name Debbie earlier in the story. Her name is mentioned until the final three lines of the paragraph. I'm left wondering "Who is she?" This can be easily remedied by changing "Her" to "Debbie's" in the first line.
Overall, this was a great story!
Thanks for letting me read your piece,
CJR
15
15
Review of The Flames I Hold  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

This piece strikes me as incomplete, so I will try to review it as such.
I think that you have a great fantasy idea going here. You've established the presence of Crimsons, and what I'll call normies, as well as the presence of mages. You've also got the beginnings of a character. You've provided motivation and backstory, which most people don't think to include in the first part of the story. I am often left wondering why characters do what they do, but for your story, I know right away that whatever this guy is doing, it's because he wants to kill normies in vengeance.
Obviously, my big push here is expansion. You've got to expand this! Internal monologues are great, but only when accompanied by a bigger story.
As far as grammar goes, I think that there's a little work to be done, but not much. It's mainly just commas. I'm always correcting people on commas, and I advise that you use the Purdue Owl  Open in new Window. to make sure your comma placement is in tip-top shape. *Smile*
If you want to be super nit-picky, nix the word "Ok." Although it is a common word now, it is derived from American President Martin Van Buren's nickname "Old Kinderhook." Since I'm assuming the United States does not exist in this world, that word would not have come about. But, like I said, that's super nit-picky and a forgivable word.
Expand, please, and this rating would go up! I think you've got a good thing going here!

Thanks for letting me review your work,
CJR
16
16
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

I had a nice review typed out, and then my computer crashed *Facepalm*. First of all, your dog is really cute, and I can relate to having a naughty dog as I have one myself.
So, the first critique I have is this: I'm not a huge fan of using comic font for writing. For contests, fine, but it seems a bit unprofessional in writing. That's just my thing, you can leave it like that if you want as it doesn't affect the quality of the story.
Oh, I also wanted to say that this is a really good nonfiction piece, and I usually hate nonfiction, so good job on that!
I don't think that "vet" is supposed to be capitalized, so I'd go through and correct that. Also, I don't think that "xray" is right. Let me check on that...
Ah! As a noun, X-ray has a hyphen and a capital "X". As a verb, it's x-ray. You learn something new everyday.
This story has very good grammar, I think that I have one nitpicky suggestion. When you say "I could imagine another scenario", I'd take out "and that was" and replace it with a comma. Then, it's "could imagine another scenario, that Boo had swallowed". What you have is correct, I just think it flows better if you do that.
Good story, and I'm glad that Boo ended up being okay!
Thanks for letting me review your piece,
CJR
17
17
Review of Unlucky Seven  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.


Hi! My name is CJ and I'll be reviewing your piece today!

Although I did like this piece, my big question, and what ultimately led to the not 5-star rating, was why?
Why did Regina fake her death, why did she kill her husband? If it was for his money, it would've made more sense for Smith to kill him right off the bat. I sense that it had something to do with the "seven-year itch" you reference, but you don't explain that. I understand that Harold paid off the burglar, but why? Although your lack of explanation does create a dramatic effect, it also is very frustrating. All you really need is like a one-liner from Regina, "This'll teach you to yada yada yada" or something like that.
Aside from that, the story is well written, and I enjoyed it.
The rest of my suggestions are just spot problems that don't detract much. I didn't like the abbreviation "thou" because I've never heard anyone use it, so although it does get the point across, I think thousand is better. There is a missing comma after "And speaking of gifts." Finally, I'm pretty sure that "seven year itch" should be "seven-year itch." What I believe to be the rule for hyphenated adjective phrases is this: if either word can be removed from the sentence and the sentence still makes sense, it shouldn't be hyphenated, if it doesn't make sense, it should be. Seven itch and year itch are both not things, and thus should be hyphenated.
Really, though, these are nitpicky things, and you did a great job!
Thanks for letting me review your work,
CJR
18
18
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hello! I'll be flying by your port with a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..
I very much enjoyed this piece. It took a little bit to get into, but by the end I was hooked. You fleshed out Hazel very well, and I imagine this is some side story in a larger universe. I'm sure most of the questions I have would be answered if I read other pieces.
If this is a standalone, I would suggest providing more details, though.I would also suggest giving a hint of Hazel's age earlier on than you do, purely for mental image sake. As you described everyone else, I assumed that she was also their age.
When I read about the seventy-five years ago thing, I was like "oh, okay, so she's ageless and forever a kid" and then she's married, and then she's a mother, and then she's a mother of an adult. Just some mention earlier on would be good, even if this is an additive piece. In addition to all of this, this could use a good grammar scrub. There's more than a couple but less than several grammatical errors and typos, mostly to do with possession, interjection, and title. If you cleaned those up, or found someone to clean them up for you, that'd be great!
All-in-all a great emotional piece of what I'm sure is a fantastic larger story.
Thanks for letting me read your work,
CJR
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello! I'll be flying by your port with a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

I really liked this story. I was looking through Curiosity Shop entries to review, and this is the one I decided upon after reading a few. When I joined WDC, the Curiosity Shop contest was all but dead. I was fascinated by it, and entered it. Little did I know that that would be the round that the owner would decide to freeze the contest in place and disappear. *Sad*

Anyways, to your story itself. The plot and all that is sound, the characters believable, and the ending just enough to be satisfying while also chilling. Usually in trying to wrap up a story like this, a writer has to choose whether everything is happy or everything is creepy. You've managed to do both, with Kate's happiness at death, and the continuation of the widowkiller hat back at the shop. I have to wonder if it works the same way for everyone. But it doesn't matter. Mrs. Kate Hutchens's story is done.

A few things I would suggest, though. There's a few technical errors that I think a good grammatical scrub could fix. Given as this story is ten years old, and hasn't been edited for that long, I'm sure if you look at again it'll be a real quick fix. Another thing I'd suggest is to introduce Kate's name earlier in the story. I struggle with this as well in first person narration, but suddenly seeing her name at the end had me doing a double take. Perhaps just take it out altogether, if that's easier. The third and final thing I would add, and this is the most important, I think, is to change the rating of this story. You currently have it marked as E, which WDC defines as "signif[ying] that the content of this item is intended for everyone of all ages. There are absolutely no references to sex (other than gender), drugs, alcohol, violence, cursing (of any kind), derogatory names or any combinations thereof." As your story references sex casually and semen explicitly, I'd bump it up to 13+. You've been on WDC longer than I've been writing, a member, or reviewing, so I bet this one just slipped through the cracks, and it's a super easy fix.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. Thank you for sharing it with me.

CJR
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Review of Prom Queen  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

Hello, there! My name is Cj and I'll be reviewing this piece!
Oh my goodness, I didn't think I could be horrified in so few words. I had to reread it a couple of times to grasp what had happened. Although, I do have to question the science behind it. A girl is pregnant, presumably doesn't know it, goes into labor on prom night without anyone or herself noticing, horrified to discover she's given birth, throws the baby in the trash. I feel like that is highly unlikely. But, I suppose so is Freddy Krueger invading people's dreams and killing them. There are no grammar errors that I noticed, and although I'm not a huge fan of the stylization of the layout, it is correct (perhaps more correct than the way I write poems). I personally like to have each line capitalized, but I don't think that's correct, although I don't know.
You also might want to use mL to spruce up the appearance a bit. I know you know how to use that stuff, so I won't educate you on it, but I'm sure you could make it look more interesting than just default setting.
Thanks,
CJR
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

I absolutely love this idea! I can't believe that no one else has thought of this, although perhaps they didn't want to look like they were copying you.
I'm personally a Christian, and I might add my story later. Although, it wouldn't be particularly exciting. Born and bred an Interdenominational, initial "yes" at seven, becoming more dependent on Him in high school which strengthens my relationship. It's not very interesting, but I suppose it's my own and I'm getting to know the Lord of the Universe, so it is special.
I don't actually know of many Christian forums and such around WDC, but I feel like this would be a good thing to promote around their. Some people are just itching to share their testimonies, and this gives them the perfect opportunity, without potentially using up more of their portfolio space.
I also don't really have any suggestions or anything other than that, because, I mean, all you've typed is your own story and the intro and it's grammatically well done and it's not a story so there's not commentary on that. So good job, may God bless you!
CJR
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

I love this story. It really deserves the ribbons on it. I like how you told it through the eyes of a cat. As a self-designated "cat person", I'm partial to stories that involve cats, and especially thinking about what goes on in their minds.
There are no grammar errors, which is exceptional. I also like how you withheld the name Auschwitz until the very end. I kind of suspected it, and I knew it was a Nazi death camp, but I didn't ever remember hearing about one named IG Farben. So, therefore, it was surprising to me when I realized that that camp is indeed Auschwitz.
I also don't really have any suggestions on voice or anything. You do a great job there, I can recognize Othello's voice within the piece, even if he doesn't actually have one.
I may suggest using a different font, because the way it shows up on Apple devices is a bit weird to read. I personally like verdana, but it's up to you, and you can throw that out the window if you like.
All-in-all, a great piece!
CJR
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Review of WOLFSTONE  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

Hello, there! I'll be reviewing this piece today.
You've intrigued me with your character setup, and especially the description of Wolfstone. It reminds me of Glastonbury Tor and a hobbit hill all mixed up together. I especially like how you describe the great uncle as forward-thinking. That part, for whatever reason, was very funny to me. The story was grammatically well written, for the most part. There are a few errors here and there. For instance, your first sentence. "Sarcastic, remorseless, devious, unreliable…all words to describe my extraordinary incarnation as Beal Nartone, otherwise known as the “Man on the Hill.” You talk about "your" incarnation. This may not be grammatically wrong, looking at it, but logically wrong. I don't know who is speaking, if it is not Beal Nartone. You write it like it's from an omniscient narrator, but then you say "my," and I am pretty sure the definition of an omniscient narrator is one that is withdrawn from the story.
Other than that, it was pretty good. I'd suggest fixing that error or having an explanation for that specific wording, but all-in-all, it was pretty good.
CJR
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

What a heartbreaking story!
Hello, my friend, although I'm not sure you'll ever read this, as your last login date was August 8th, 2006. However, I'll review this anyways.
I've had some experiences myself with both Catholic and non-Catholic faiths, and I think you've managed to highlight the flaw that all have, yet no one seems to understand or forgive: they are run by humans, and therefore, damned to be imperfect. You capture this perfectly in Donovan's story, although I am wondering how a non-Catholic could end up a Catholic priest so quickly.
Your story has several missing commas, here's an example.
"At seventeen Donovan had grown weary and disillusioned of his mother’s stillborn Protestant faith, and escaped from his first damnation into the arms of the Catholic Church." should be "At seventeen, Donovan had grown weary and disillusioned of his mother’s stillborn Protestant faith, and escaped from his first damnation into the arms of the Catholic Church."
All-in-all though, a beautiful story about what can happen when churches become too human.
CJR
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Review of Dragons' Vale  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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This review courtesy of House Florent at "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

This is a nice story, I liked it. I mean, I'd kinda figured out what was going to happen by the end (the lack of history plus the stolen dragon at around the same time), but it was very good. It also reminded me of another short story I read in a book called Firebirds. Let me see if I can find it...
Ah! "Byndley" by Patricia A. McKillip. I don't know if you're interested or not, but I liked that story as well. Every story in that book is very good, actually.
But, I'm getting off topic.
The piece itself had very few grammatical errors. There was a missing comma in "logs covered with moss, large ferns and random blue and yellow flowers" but other than that I didn't see anything wrong with it.
If you ever do seek to push this story forward into some form of publishing, you may want to know that there is an app called Dragonvale, and I don't know what their copyright is on that name, or how "Dragons' Vale" would be different. I'd hate to see a story get shut down because of a title, so just thought I'd warn you.
CJR
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