I am a fan of 'Secret Window'. I find flawed psychology a fascinating subject to explore. This piece is a good and worthy tribute to it.
Flawed psychology is best expressed in tiny nuances, small details that have a world of back story behind them. Your handling of this is impressive, your characters stand out as two ends of the spectrum of humanity and a massive amount is told by the careful choice of words. The word count is short, the timeframe shorter, but it feels like a much bigger piece of writing. The switch at the end is seamless and what happens from thereon becomes forged in the readers imagination from the foundations you have laid.
For a short piece, this packs a big punch.
I didn't notice any technical issues with grammar or punctuation, only one from dyslexic fingers that we all suffer from 'goldne'.
I find poetry the most difficult form of writing to review, mainly because of how it comes about. Its heavily influenced by subconcious thought and becomes a reflection of the author, even when its not intended.
My first impression of this piece is that is compelling and very much reflects the conflicts of the mind that wrote it . For me it was the form that was most compelling, What I got from it was a strong sense of isolation.
Its the nature of depressed thought to run on, collide with contradiction and counter thought and defy any kind of clear definition. The lack of punctuation in this and other pieces in your portfolio reflect this. This is a poem that defies you to define it just as poetry. The most striking thing I felt in this piece is the isolation of individual elements of thought even though it does run on as one continual thought;
I am not here
but here I am
Is a clear contradiction and by isolating it the reader is drawn to read it more closely and is compelled to take the time to understand the meaning. The very best is made of the opportunity for impact.
Only once was a thought a allowed to conclude and start again with a capital
Without everything
stars don't shine
For me, this is a pivotal thought. Its what the poem is about. The negative influence of loss that over rules all positives and becomes everything denying any hope of light.,
But I do see light
life is perception
eternity is assumption
To me this is an acceptance that perception is not necessarily a reflection of what is true and the eternal nature of depressed thought is not infnate and all encompassing ,even though it feels like it. I read this as a glimmer of acceptance that this is a transition. The conclusion, as strong as it is, becomes a statement of a temporary perception.
The poem defies convention. Flow and ryhthmn are created by encouraging isolation of the readers thoughts, inviting them to pause to consider deeper meaning. it is a freeform piece and the layout is imaginative and considered and the text harbours a lot of deeper meaning. Quite rightly and not at all to its detriment you said 'it is what it is'
In my opinion this is far from nonsense and it should perhaps be renamed 'I am what I am'
As for suggestions for improvement, I think that if there are any alterations required you will be the one to find them. For me it reads well as it is.
I know you have said you have some problems completing projects, but I would urge you to keep writing. Your writing is strong and honest and shows a real conviction to be heard. It is not without skill and I look forward to reading one of your short stories.
Hi - It seems I am your 69th reviewer so I'll try and be original.
I did hesitate when I started to read this, then I checked out your profile and realised that you are not into embelishment and reading a little of 'trick or tweet' I see that it your writing style is unique. This understood I read on and overlooked the rules you ignore by choice. In truth it was a no brainer - your writing is compelling because it is so massively understated and the laugh out loud moments creep up on you, as do the subtle wry hints of characterisation. Do I know what he lokks like? Do I remember his name? No. But I know went to therapy when he was young and somehow thats all I need to know. Your poor guy, I could honestly take him in and give him a home without a second thought and he translates so well into other roles. I would hesitate to say you may be a literary genius but I have a sneaking suspicion it may be true.
Humour is the hardest genre to crack, so deadpan humour must be like trying to down a granite cliff with a toffee hammer, but you have cracked it. There is a relentless quality to your writing - it rolls happily along so very politely and takes the reader with it as the chaos grows, dropping the odd, timeless one liner. The one liners are perhaps more prominent in 'Trick or Tweet' where you had more opportunity for techno wordplay but they are here too, sometimes visual which is an art in itself. Wherever they are, they are wonderfully underplayed and often deceptively clever. "I wouldn't think so" has to be the best catchphrase ever and proves to be a joyously simple and stunningly effective vehicle that carries the plot to the end.
All I can do is wish you luck, but I am pretty sure you don't need it.
Have you thought of selling the film rights for this? Maybe you should give it serious thought.
This is a clever piece and the subject is very valid and easy to connect to. It makes a true statement about the effects of fear i especially associate with then supplies the remedy.
The flow and rythmn is pleasing.The last two verses have an inbuilt smile with the 'ee' sound which is quite deceptive.
I do have a couple of points for improvement.
' And live ALIVE each fleeing day-' should perhaps be fleeting - fleeing draws back the spectre of fear when my interpretation is that we shoudln't waste time being negative.
The second point is something I'm never sure is technically wrong andf I'm pretty sure its got more to do with computer conventions, but I find it a noticeable distraction.
A line that continues a thought should perhaps not start with a capital, maybe use a comma to end the previous line or just ignore convention altogether and write a verse as a broken sentence with no punctuation. The full stop and capital then become a point of note. Personally I dislike convention.
OK so I have read your profile and and your portfolio and I feel I must take you to task. A true writer has heart, he is fearless and knows how to pull out the images locked in the imagination. He can connect as much through what is implied as what is written. The smallest of touches of colour, the lightest of brush strokes through language fill a page and draw a reader so close they feel every emotion and draw pictures of their own.
What on earth makes you think you have lost the ability to write?
This story is no more than a few moments, but for me it feels immense. Your use of a lullaby to carry the weight of a pivotal character who cannot speak because she has too much to say is genius. Not to mention the juxtaposition of grey authority with nothing to say and saying too much. The use of colour - dead grey and living blue. The use of repetition 'to grow big and tall' used as a tool to make the story circular and defined and mark the presence of the character who sits in the middle of everything and is largely still and silent. The use of sound and music and smell. I couldnt past the coffee and the aroma lingered as an expression of arrogance on the part of authority. The smell of shampoo to mark the innocence of the baby and the care of the mother. The bagel the mother refused for a million reasons even though I felt her hunger for so much more than food.
I never give 5 stars because perfection does not exist. Everything can be improved. But I feel this is yours and I'm not going to even try to tell you how to improve it.
Hi Stella Marie. You say want to be a writer so I am going to be honest with you, though I would never profess to be an expert and what I say is only my opinion.
The concept of this story is very sweet and as you say 'bittersweet'. Its the kind of story that attracts readers because its easy to associate with, it has a universal following and invokes a great deal of empathy. It is fairly well constructed and grammatically speaking there are no points of improvement.
What I do feel is that maybe you have missed out on the opportunity to make more of it. It reads as pure narration which detaches the reader somewhat and denies them the chance to emotionally connect fully with the story and the characters. For a reader to truly connect they need to be able to metaphorically stand alongside the characters and see, feel, hear and smell everything that they do and watch the action at close quarters. In a story like this, more than ever, emotional connection is important. When you engage in a conversation with someone its not so much what you are told, but what you see that engages you and factors like surroundings and how and why you got to be talking that affect how you respond to the conversation. I like to think that writing is not so much relating the conversation as adding all the other bits to it. On that basis, a two minute chat can become a 1000 word story.
In your mind, I think this story is a great deal longer than what you have related. It has far more depth than it does at the moment. From your profile I see that you write poetry which is all about transcribing emotional connection. I think perhaps you should use that skill here too. Take a little time to examine more closely how the story plays out in your head. So often its just little touches of insight, backstory and scene setting that add a world of depth and make a story come alive. Tell us more about the characters, she especially, as the boy and his dog wander into her life and interrupt her day and change the course of her life. How old is she, what does she look like, why does she walk in the woods every day, does she follow the same route? We know a little about her, but there is so much more you can tell us.
You have identified the two pivotal moments, the two meetings, and I think that approach is well thought out but could be expanded on.
You have included dialogue, but it is related dialogue. Much better I think if the characters actually speak to each other. Follow the rules of dialogue, adding a new paragraph when the focus switches from on character to another.
Its quite frustrating, becuase you are almost there. You do show some skill as a writer. I think you need to be a little more fearless, give vent to you imagination. Look more closely at your characters and beyond them to their world and what it means to them.
From what I read of you as a person, you are young and ambitious and if it seems like a lot of criticism its because I would genuinly like to see you achieve your ambitions. I hope you find it constructive. Writing is fun and rewarding and a good way to make your mark, I can't think of a better ambition because it's my ambition too.
This is a good story, well worthy of being told and devoting a little more time to make it bigger and deeper.
We devote so much time nurturing a place within ourselves for someone else to occupy, to lose them is a sadness far beyond feeling. But never beyond words. Words are a truth that never degrades but serves to fill a space and heal a hurt, especially when its your heart that wrote them.
First of all I have to point out that everything from hereon are my opinions and hopefully helpful advice. So if you are studying creative wrtitng in school and I counter anything you have been previously told, there is a golden rule - Teacher knows best !
First impression - for someone so young you have a scary amount of potential. The concept of the story is good and is well constructed and thought out . You have pretty much nailed the idea of a gripping opening to draw the reader in and the tension is sustained to keep them reading right until the twist at the end.
Your use of dialogue is pretty fearless and you use it to good effect. Dialogue is an area many novice writers tend to shy away from, its far too easy to fall into he said, she said, which can suffocate the dialogue and make the text seem lifeless. Your dialogue is lively, imaginative and it does 'breathe'.
I didnt pick up on any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors.
What the piece could benefit from are things you can soon pick up with a bit of practice.
Characterisation and scene setting are aspects of writing that add depth and allow the reader to connect with the writing on a deeper emotional level. They make the story more compelling. They are the filling inside the cake.
When I first started, and in no way do I consider myself as beyond the need to learn, I used to tell myself that readers are basically lazy, they want you as the writer to do the thinking for them. It isn't an entire truth, but I found it good way to make sure I filled in all the gaps. And I still constantly ask the question 'how does the reader know'
Characterisation is the development of the characters as people. What do they look like, how do they think, how do they do things, why do they do the things they do. In everyday life we get to know people by watching them, talking to them and seeing how they react. We build up an impression of them and for the most in real life we do it subconsciously, which is no help at all when someone suggests you need to develop characterisation in writing. It can take a bit of careful consderation to get your head round.
What do we know about Katie or Anna?
Writing in the first person is a good way to acheive a connection as its like being the second party in a conversation. But by writing from inside a characters mind you can only show what they see, so it limits the scope of ways you can develop them as characters, short of having them stand in front of a mirror. As it so happens you do have a mirror in your story, in the bathroom when Katie goes to splash water on her face.
in the first person you have to be a little more devious to wind characterisation into the text. You rely more on feelings and emotions and you can use recollections, associations and similes and take what opportunities you can to add in a bit of description. It doesnt take much to flesh this out aspect - just a few well placed touches.
Example
'I silently dragged my exhausted feet to my car.' What shoes was she wearing and possibly why. ?
To develop this skill it can be useful to become a people watcher and take mental notes. Maybe sit in the canteen in school and watch how people react to each other, consciously build an impression of them by what you see.
Scene setting is slightly less complicated but it is an important part of building up an idea of location and adding atmosphere. And it can be a good vehicle to wind characterisation in as where a character is has in inherent aspect of how a they feel about it and why.
What does Katies apartment look like?
Where are Katie and Anna when they are talking.?
Scene setting can be practiced too. Find someplace familiar and describe it using all your senses including your emotional impression.
Play around with your story and carry on being fearless and imaginative. They are good essential traits and will serve you well and I will repeat what I said up front because its worth saying twice- you have a scary amount of potential for someone so young .
This flows really pleasingly and is well thought out. The emotion is really nicely expressed and is engaging.
Notes for improvement:
Pay attention to sentence structure. The inclusion of commas and full stops will guide the reader through the text and add emphasis to give the piece more texture.
The use of 'like' in the first verse denegrades the emotion I think. Suggest 'as'
The use of 'shined' in the penultimate verse jars slightly. Suggest 'shone'
The use of 'screams' in the last verse tends to imply a less controlled and rueful emotion that the rest of the piece. Suggest : 'weeps'
Suggest:
I miss your touch,
your loving kiss.
My eyes shone brightly
before all this.
And as I walk
through this land of woe
my heart still weeps.
...I miss you so.
You have a real ability to use language in poetic form - you are able to eloquently express engaging emotion. All it needs is a bit of careful editing and it will achaive its full potential.
This is impressive.
Masterful economy of words paints a picture way bigger than the text. Instantly I was there already creating a vignette of other characters moving around a scene only implied. Smiling Perk relieved to be freed of complications and hopeful that the sun will shine soon while beyond the glass the city rambles its usual course of plodding routine.
You got me hook line and sinker
Why no 5 rating - perfection does not exist, but sometimes we get darn close.
I will admit from the outset that i will often avoid reviewing poetry - it feels too much like stomping around on someones soul.
This piece however struck a very strong chord with me, maybe because I have really strong empathy with the subject matter, maybe because it does move beyond the starkness of emotional content and paints a picture. Maybe because the flow and rythmn is so strong you almost find yourself pre empting the next line. For me the secret of really good writing is that it creates a feeling of familiarity, as if you have read it before though you know you havent.
Its a lovely piece, heart crushingly mournful and I find myself drawn to the layout, it must be the lack of hard edges.
My one point for improvement is in the 4tyh verse second line - 'many a children play' suggest drop the 'a'
Initial impression - Why? Secondary impression - Why on earth not ? 3rd impression - Do pirate ships have 2 captains? 4th impression - Does it matter ?
Humour is the hardest thing to write - if we all got the joke I'm pretty sure we would stop telling them.
As a literary piece it does what it says on the label and defies anyone to moan about the lack of plot, cutting edge characterisations and all the stuff that you are supposed to aspire to. it reminded me a little of Peter Pook and post war' British humour that aspired to nothing but being deliberately wierd , apparently drug induced and spawned Monty Python and modern comedy that wanders happily over every pre ordained boundary like a pugnacious schoolboy with a frog in his pocket. Today boundary's are there for the sole purpose of crossing them.
So I am not going to start judging on literary merit, if I did I'm pretty sure I would get sucked into the nearest black hole as a boring old fart. It is well enough constructed, adequately paced and all the words convey accurate images and are spelt correctly.
However, as a parody of Disney brand big budget humour and a peice of social commentary on sanitised reality its great. Even if you do diss the Depp. Bad person!! Yes I know he has sold his artistic soul for Disney bucks and mainstream acceptance - but still. The man could dive head first into a pool of effluent and still come up smiling - such is the power of brooding good looks on a sexually depirved female population with disposable income.
The dream had me rolling. It is laugh out wet yourself in the process funny. When it boils right down to what we humans find irresistably funny - toilet humour and sex win - hands down and the fact that this is purportedly based on a truth is the icing on the cake.
What does it mean? - Well I just happen to have a dictionary of dreams - dont ask. It means that you are struggling with a painful problem - nocturnal gas is my favourite. Quite possibly the spectre of having the heights of passion ruined by the previous nights vindaloo.
Well and bravely done and keep a note pad by your bed
Keep writing
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