Nice story Maryann. Interesting concept of how space adventurers from another planet would act on our planet and I think you captured it nicely.
One thing though. Your sentences seemed a little restricted. Take you last paragraph for example. Your opening sentence is,
"We were all silly when we went back outside to the jeep. We kept talking about our ice cream experience, and laughing the whole while. The teacher was even laughing with us this time."
See if you think this alternative sentence might flow a little better. And remember, this is only a suggestion.
"We were all ACTING silly when we went back outside to the jeep, talking about our ice cream experience and laughing the whole time, our teacher even joining us in our silliness this time."
As I said, just a suggestion. The story itself is great, just try to let your sentences flow naturally. Hope it helps!
Good little twist at the end, I liked it. I also like the updates, Keith in the hospital and Neil and Philip expelled. A humorous way to look at a serious situation, bullying. I'm sure many kids have thought of how to get their revenge on a bully.
Story was well written and held my attention. I was immediately wondering how Keith was going to get back at his bullies with the gun.
At the very first I was having problems figuring out who was who. Too many characters at the onset, and that is my opinion only. I assume it is the scene of a flower shop?
The transition of being in the flower shop? to the stalker being home was a little sudden. After that though the story got to rolling. I was thinking he was really married to this Natalie person but of course, I was wrong. Good twist on the ending, sort of a shocker.
To me this is in your face scary, I like it. The suspense grew until the very last sentence and then kind of slapped you in the face with the outcome.
My only two critiques would be sentences and paragraphs. And this is only my opinon but sometimes the sentences seemed too short. In th efirst line you say,,
Jonathon sat at his chair. He bit into his apple. He decided he didn't like it, he threw it over the edge....Maybe you could have put it this way...
Johnathon sat at his chair taking a bite out of his apple. Deciding he did not want it, he threw it over the edge.
Only my opinion but the story itself is very good.
Good story and brings to mind 1Corinthians 10:13 but since you only want a review of the story...It is a good story. Sometimes, to me the descriptive narrative seems a little weak. And that is only my opinion. But the message is clear and that is what is important in Christian writing, the message.
So, either she either winds up smiling with a different attitude toward her student or bruised and scared to death. Alive or dead. Good story. Stories like this though has me wondering just who is the juvenile, the teacher or the student? We KNOW the student is of course but what makes a grown woman, or man if the story is reversed, lust after a child? Because I do not believe it is love so much as lust that brings these things about. I think though you have given a glimpse inside a young mans mind. He absolutely know how he feels about his lover and feels a little PO'd that she seems to be pushing him away. Of course, that is my opinion.
I'm glad I'm not a one-percenter...This was, in my limited experienced opinion, very good. It was disturbing in a real way. Stuff like this could, and does I suppose, happen.
It feels like an opening for a very good novel. I really liked it.
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