I would like to tell you that I'm honest in my reviews, period.
This one was alright, but not as heartfelt as I AM BLack, and you ended with a comma. That makes your writing look raggedy, and I can tell your better than that, try using (...).
Maybe this wasn't as heartfelt because your not a cheater, perhaps? :)
I like where your going with this but the beginning doesn't quite flow for me...
It feels jaulty in places...You had enticed me fully with those pretty words from that deliciously deceptive mouth. You had turned my existence into an universe of begging, and whimpering, and touching.
I can tell that your working on something here and would love to read more after you add and revise.
This story is moving at a nice pace...I won't point out the grammatical, because you already know...smile.
I think and believe you'll get more views if you split this up into shorter pieces. People sometimes seem to shy away from longer pieces. Remember, most of us are only squeezing in a few moments to read someone else.
First let me say that you really need to give this piece a good once over...
You have a few mispelled words and grammar issues.
Now on to how I felt about this piece, I really liked it. It moves along nicely. Seems like something that you would want to devolop into either a short story or longer...
I think I've read something else by you but amongst the two I would have to say this one is the best. I love the way after you describe the attributes of the animal, then you let the reader know it is you who wants to devour and prey on the innocence of...a little girl today
I mean I get the meaning in the message, that part I get...trust me I get it, but for some reason I just don't feel the passion that I think your trying to express in this piece. I think if you weren't concerned about rhyming, this poem would come off as a much more passionate piece. That doesn't mean I don't think that it's good work, it just didn't move me the way I think you intended it to.
I'm from Pennsylvania and didn't know that Mr. Rodgers was from here...
This piece brings back fond memories for me because I ALSO was a frequent viewer of sometimes repeated episodes, seeing as I'm the eldest of six siblings...
Love is so simple, yet it turns the earth,
Questions people have, to us no worth,
Even in the dark, these times, my eyes behold,
Our endless love shimmers, like flowers made of gold,
Fleeting moments of pain, anxiety and fear,
Like a quick morning's rain, they come with a tear.
But soothing the rain is, to the world's pleasure
You will be showered with love, too much to measure
My devotion, my love, heart and soul, will not waver
As a first breath of life, a wine, you will savor
My will not quake, nor my desire falter
Our union will last, continuing from the altar
Behold my love, with understanding and wonder
My pledge to you, your love, and your lover.
this piece is a little confusing........
self /editing /review may help clear up your thoughts
suggestions follow........
I have taken a few lines and edited.........
Not to many.....I have my own work to do.......lol
It was brisk and clear the day I met my new mother when I was nine years old. The wind carried the smell of fresh roasted peanuts from one of those old-fashioned vendors, and wafted past us, leaving gentle ripples on the lake.
It was brisk and clear on the day I met my new mother. I was nine years old.
From one of those old-fashioned vendors the wind carried the smell of fresh roasted peanuts, the slow breeze also left gentle ripples on the lake.
I'M NOT INTO COPY EDITING........BUT IF I WAS I WOULD HAVE.............I'VE FOUND MULTIPLE ERRORS.........THIS SOMETIMES DISTRACTS ME FROM THE HEART OF A STORY, ALSO THIS STORY NEEDS MORE PASSION.......I GET WHAT YOUR SAYING BUT I DONT FEEL IT.........LOL..........FEEL ME........I HOPE YOU ACCEPT THIS "REAL REVIEW" IN STRIDE......LAUGH OUT LOUD I'M GIVING YOU THE CHANCE TO SHARE YOUR CHOICE WORDS WITH ME BY THIS SHAMELESS PLUG BY
i loved this........often, i found myself offended when i watched people pledge allegiance...........I always taught my children that "we" being our family are not in allegiance with a mere piece of cloth.........Our allegiance is with the ONE who dwells within the residents of HIS Own hand's making........keep up the good work..........this is another shameless plug by
o.k. o.k. better........this I can work with. Give HER a name and although I think I know who HIM is, all readers might not.........some might be like "duhHHHHHHH" Also this would fit in the middle of a chapter in the beginning of a novel..........great.
I think my book is this sh*#%znit, only problem is only family have read it. I need more than courteous slaps on the back. Can anybody feel me???????????............I'll review in return.
I like it as a whole but I recommend alot of editing and less usage of the word AND. You'll see when you take it out it flows better i. e. I curl into a ball, tears threatening to spill, questions running through my mind.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bbbaldwin
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 3:29am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
