Great poem. You could expand on it. There are many travelers ambling is nice but doesn't fit with 'others race'.
Is final destination death? I agree-'there will be another, then another' because I believe in eternity. So the word final needs to be explained if there is another and another.
Also, before the 'final' part I mentioned above, you wrote 'you' so it was abrupt for me when you changed to 'I'......'I have come'.
A great read. Humor is always a clincher for me to like something. I laughed a lot reading this. Not an easy subject to describe although we've all been there. You did a great job.
Of course I am a sucker for the theme of this piece and in fact plan to base the novel I will one day write on this exact same issue and will have to describe this exact same scene- 'when I see him again' but you certainly are way ahead of me and have beat me to the punch.
'...these feelings had been....' (you typed had two times)
'....with the years that had past......' (consider adding 'had' here)
'......with the feelings I believed time had taken away....'(you might consider changing history for time). or '....with the feelings I believed time had erased....'
I really like '....wondering what one item I should save while I felt my entire life slip out of my grasp.' That's a classic line. Very good.
So is' ...the pieces would never, will never, fit back together again.' (I might have to borrow that!). Very good and just kidding about borrowing it but very tempting. Speaking of doors and keys..... decisions, decisions!
The last paragragh is classic, inspired writing that reaches to depths of feelings hard to describe with words.(although many people know the right answer but the fact the reader is talking to the words on the screen, the author, the protagonist, to anyone standing close by, (the cat), the fact the reader is talking at all means you have done a great job as a writer).
Yep, best not to open the door on the past unless one has already made their mind up on what they will do.
I would make two changes but you don't have to read any farther because it's just an opinion and not really my place to change your writing.
I would stay consistent and say Mr. MacGregor came to check on his garden, not crops. Crops connotates fields.
'....Mrs. Rabbit wound up living in the tree....' Birds live in trees. Rabbits live in tree hollows, tree stumps, in a hole at the base of a tree, for example.
Alot of enthusiasm and energy here. I rely on hope to help me see solutions to the problems we face. Recycling is a great way to go. Conservation of resources to name another.
You have a few minor mistakes:
'These are just a few issues...'
'These are just a few examples of the issues....'
'These are just a few examples of some of the issues.....'
'...myself and the rest....... are going to be thrown.......'
'As citizens of America we....'
'....determined generation who are....'
'...National Anthem at a sports event...'
'....National Anthem at sports events.....'
'People aren't thinking ahead.' (I agree with that statement.)
Hi ParrotHead,
I think the poem's tone is friendly and fun, not serious. With the reference to children and the wife the poem becomes a dipiction of a normal family experience but mentioning the falls ( which makes me think of the mountains), air cool and brisk(Autumn), heavens, stars gives the reader imagery to ponder.
I love stories like this. I relate so well and glad other people might possible think like this.
You did a great job with your imagery and word choice. You kept me with you mentioning black holes, existentialism, ....name dropping like - Sweden, Sun Set Bld., Un Chien Anadlou, David Lynch, Eraserhead, that is an interesting technique to let the reader know who the protagonist is. (I hope those are real, I am about to go to Mr. Google now to check). Even if you made them up its interesting.
I love the opening line; very understandable. ...' the technological abyss'.., very good word choice; even 'verbal lens' is pretty great.
One little mistake:
fourth sentence , second paragraph-'I feel can relate to this....' check to see if a word has been left out.
What a great story for me. Just my speed, right where I am in life. I loved the beginning. I laughed a lot.
Bless all those poor Mormons in Utah if in the days you describe the imminent danger for healthy people comes from their nieghbors killing them to get their food and water.
I liked your style and your use of diologue which you do so effortlessly.
Being the bossy person I am I found a few places to nick and tuck:
clock softly ticks away-or clock ticks away softly- just a suggestion--- the verb 'ticks' and the adverb 'away' seem to fit together and it might sound better to have softly before or after those two words.
wine spills on evening dress-'trying to form a pattern' I have a problem with trying. The wine probably did form a pattern. describe the pattern so we can visulize that instead of the wine trying to do something.
...'respond to "the" noises coming from her phone'
"Do you have a pet in there?" great line.
..'painted an expression on my face' -wonderful choice of verb for this action.
Carolyn Jones (I remembered her last name, but I'm not drinknig or at a noisy wedding reception-I've already befriended your protagonist-you are doing such a good job making him so likable) 'Carolyn worked for a large company-please, name the company-'large company" is too much of a cliche' for a writer of your ability.
I would think Carolyn would know some details of the team who created the iphone.
"we had all become' consider changing to-'we all had become' --put verbs together-don't separate 'had' and become' with 'all' (are you from the South -like me?)
'.....so few available facts.'
'Later model vehicles..' are you talking about cars?
President promised a report when there was more info and tv coverage ....(as soon as possible)-this clause seems out of place
I didn't note the spot but the first time you wrote 'bible' you didn't capitalize but the sencond time you wrote it you did capitalize. I think you are supposed to capitalize Bible but I am too lazy to find out.
Thanks for a good read.(when I should be doing housework)
Max
Good opening sentence-consider changing ";" to a "_". "She informed me if I had no....". "I had no idea......" "....musical taste.." You might consider changing to "taste in music" although it's a very old, well used, ordinary phrase. ".....she had changed her beliefs..." Very good ending to that paragraph. "I would cough but..." I hate drugs but I like your description of how you felt with drugs. "A price all the money I had couldn't pay". A very nice sentence.(The period before that sentence has an extra space). 15 years needs a space. "It brought with it a silence." (also extra space by the period before that sentence). "Like a lazy old river....." I am not sure but I don't think you need ";" marks between "the truth". Just plain commas are enough. "....mother had not changed her beliefs..." "I realize the rug my mother uses to hide everything from my grandmother.... (you could probably drop the under, the reader understands it with out the word.) After "...she's embarrassed of us (here use a ";". Don't start a new sentence. " I am sixteen..." I like the ending. A great story. I bonded with your character. I like the inclusion of the dates. Its good to hear from young people, to hear how they are feeling. You did a great job describing the girl's feelings. I was glad the conflict had a positive resolution.
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