Nice theme for a poem, I really like it. I especially liked the line "rings with monster killing sound" that is such a perfect description of the silence that wafts from ones kitchen in a still moment. I am curious though as to why you chose to bold assuage and imperial. Not that I found this to be a stylistically poor choice by any means, I am just curious as to whether there is an explanation and if there is not that is totally cool as well. Anyhow great poem and I look forward to more of your works.
- Sincerely, another fellow of the quill. Bjorn E. R. Olson
Wow greatly unexpected ending! I love the idea and I think the poem flows very well. I too love Noir themes and I think you nailed it with many of the descriptions. I am afraid I do not really have any ideas for improvement. Well done great poem, it was very funny without being at all cheesy or corny. I can't wait to read more of your work.
Wow! Very nice. I found the theme of comparing a dream to love very powerful. Also some great images in here, I particularly like the part about the world suddenly having a new color you had not seen. If I could make one suggestion however it would be to explore the use of punctuation. If this was left out on purpose then pay me no mind but I know that is a week point in my own poetry and it is interesting to explore and can create some very fun and unique language. I look forward to more of your works.
-Most sincerely, Bjorn E. R. Olson a fellow pen jockey.
Dear Alex, this is a good start. I enjoyed the theme of finding true happiness in ones family but perhaps you could expand upon the struggle that makes him realize how sweet his life really is? Add a little bit more description to the farmers toils of the day so that we can share in and understand his plight. Also I think I understood where you were going with the line "the plants won't grow themselves" but perhaps the won't plant or water themselves would be a bit more apt in this situation? The choice of grow in this context just seemed a bit strange to me. But anyhow keep up the writing!
I really enjoyed the subject matter of this poem. Where was this statue of Gandhi?! I really like the depth of the symbolism that resides within such a powerful statue being broken and lying in pieces. Perhaps its a statement on societies ability to forget to easily. Anyhow down to the nitty gritty, perhaps a more solid rhyme scheme would add to this piece? The rhyme at the end is somewhat distracting without more preceding it in my opinion. But overall really nice poem. I look forward to reading more of your writing!
Sincerely, your fellow ink jokey.. Bjorn E. R. Olson
Dear Shaun,
This seems and interesting work of non-fiction you are looking into creating. I am afraid I have little advice to offer in the world of non-fiction as a fiction writer but I look forward to this collection as it seems a very intriguing subject. I look forward to reading and review pieces of and hopefully eventually a completed copy of Satanism From the Flesh.
- Sincerely, your fellow pen jockey Bjorn E. R. Olson
I like what you have here. It has a great use of repetition and a subtle rhyme scheme. I think it flows well and mechanically you are off to a good start as well, though it did seem to end rather abruptly and if that was the intent than I like it very much but this abruptness seems slightly out of place with the relatively short nature of the poem. Perhaps consider adding another stanza or finding a less abrupt way to end? The end also breaks the repetition and scheme of rhyme you laid out, I would try to stay true to either the rhyme scheme or the repetition and I believe the ending could hold more power. But great read keep up the good work!
- Your fellow ink jokey, Bjorn E. R. Olson.
I really like the theme of this poem and it seems well thought out. Although the shortness of this poem does add somewhat to it I think it could be a little longer. I felt like it was missing something. I really like the imagery of the small door that is easy to miss. Perhaps consider adding to this imagery. Also it seemed as though you were going for duality with the wide paths becoming narrow, perhaps add something about the darkness becoming light? Anyhow I enjoyed reading it and look forward to more work and or an updated version of this work.
- Your fellow ink jokey, Bjorn R. E. Lind
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