I was expecting a rambling of depression from the guy NOT that but wow...for a short story that pulled me in real quick ! wow. I love how we were chilling for a second in the start and then you throw the bomb haa.
as of my suggestions i really dont get the last part. is it meant to be that he looks in the mirror, and he's just zoomed up into another time period? is your intention to mix it up?
also, the minuites period just doesnt hit in well, maybe pace it up faster, so instead of "15, 20, 30,..?" something like, "crawling mins later.." or something more descriptive, same for the ending and the persons grief. its not really a great jump into it, and its great, really is, but its not leaving that impact on the reader, making them think over your work for a while, ykwim? overall its good!
this is a wonderous piece and i like it alot :3 i like the emotional intensity in the poem, but like any other work theres always an improvement spot! firstly, i feel you need to cut down these into stanzas--theres multiple readers who get agitated when its so big and elongated (such as myself, as an ADHD guy i tend to lose interest when its too big), and i feel theres no imagery put into this. this poem fits more as a stream of conciousn ngl but if youd want the imagery poetry, id say, for an example, "You shove your emotions down" could be rectified as, "muddled bellow all the unfazed acts is a heart left unmended." (i couldnt think of anything good haha but the point is you could give the poem a little more imagery-ness), also the constant repition of "broken souls" could get annoying, so put it up every few lines instead to establish your point better, like the theme. good job ! keep writing ,/3
this is a good piece ! really gives that personal feeling but maybe you can make it a little more lyrical/poetical? like, "But how easy would it be…
… To get rid of something you deal with every day?" can be more of, "but theyr my ascertained constancy." and "people" just feels a little bland, maybe something more like, "termed inane by the lot," ^_^ good work, though!
ohk its crazy how yr account shows up 3rice in 3 days HELP and i like this. ;3 imo i wouldnt change a thing about any of your poems except a thing here or there, but a thought anywway: if we always had snow we'd never know the value of it; so maybe it comes to us sometimes and not always, so that we value it and make the best out of it when winters around ^__^! keep writing.
this is wonderful ^__^ though i feel this stanza, “ This is embarassing,
Why did I agree,
I‘ll be crashing,
Into sugar-highs and glee” is quite a missmatch from the previous stanza. maybe work on it! rest all is wonderful :)
the plot and everything is wonderful, though I feel you need to make us see the characters more iyk? like we need more descriptions on the characters feeling, the way they’r animatedly talking etc. Otherwise this is wonderfu!
This is a splendid work i loved reading through ;3
a few feedbacks, though, would firstly be to condense some sentences such as, 'It wasn't French or Dutch, she used to explain to me that it was Flemish, something between a dialect and a language- I never really understood…' It brings the reader a little out of the reading, and makes it difficult.
Next, I feel Nahla needs a better charecter persona; she resembles you (the narrator) extremely and that causes her charecter to loose the vibe, imo.
I do love the poetical part and the way you constantly change the style of writing, it makes me get pulled into it.
I never met my father, he died before I was born and I was an illigitimate child to some extent. My fathers brother (uncle) took me up and he was pretty harsh with me and stuff,so I some way get the feeling; but theres nothing we can do about it. so its best to let go and stick by those who are willing to care. imo sometimes family arent by blood, but are those who stick around. i hope you find someone who fills the void in yr heart even if its by a little bit.
wowwww this had me in a daze. Literally Ellie Goulding's hypnotized song comes into my mind with this. Its good yet its confusing yet it has me in yet it doesnt.
I love how youve left the reader wondering, thinking and baffled. Its a good way youve put it all up, wonderfully. You have it in you to be a legit killer writer. The kind that holds power. def want to read more of your works!
Im glad that your thoughts match mine, because this piece describes exactly what leaves me spiraling many times. I thought ive been crazy for it haha
Honestly I also struggled with the idea of a genre and like the originality, but then I remember my english teacher (she's the best) last year tell us, "there is no such thing as original. You made paper? jee, its come from the trees. Nothing new. You made some lego yada yada? well, guess what, its come from plastic which in turn has come from natural materials. Simply put: you are not original."
Its like everythings unoriginal and started before, so you take inspiration whether knowing or unknowingly--we just put the label of originality because our mind stewed it up with past memories, informations, photographs, etc.
I think you just need to let your mind wander off on its own, and get whatever and after all you can atleast take ease in the fact that we writers are like the lords of our charecters...we are the ultimate power. ;3
oh and hey i love hemingway too!
and yes you should definitely write more on whatever you feel, i liked yk reading this.
(sorry for the yapping haha.)
'they can't be rid of it...' I feel here get would bring a more ease into reading, 'be' made it a little on edge.
I personally loved these two parts: 'It is not the responsibility of Creation to comfort us, but our duty to comfort Creation.' and 'Asking God for the meaning of life is like the Mona Lisa asking Da Vinci for the meaning of her canvas' these two really sucked me into reading through.
I honestly feel 'The knowledge you're alone is crushing, but finding wisdom in it is uplifting.' is kind of confusing and a little off for the rest of the piece but yes the rest is amazing.!
I love how this is on point! reminded me alot about an incident when I was younger;I had wanted to go to summer camp and made a big fuss about it to my adopted parents and when I did get to go, it turned out disasterous. I was the only "dark skinned" kid there and I was bullied soo...it wasnt exactly what i wanted.
this work reminds me also of our persian saying, "daroounash mardumansh rah kuohstay, borounash deegaran ra." It means, the outside might be quite alluring but the inside is cancerous. On the out our desires might seem great, but sometimes theres the dark pits into it.
great work.!
this is really good like i can feel the emotions radiating off this piece ! and imo it reminded me of one of the scenes from dumplin' by julie murphy (the scene where willowdean just wishes bo says something but he doesnt; like words that shouldve been uttered.) anyway i looove this loads.
MY ADHD yaboo couldnt read through both the chapters, only the first bit ,/3 ill read the next one as well. I really love how the beginning was really catchy and left me wondering what all’s happening + amazing descriptions. 9/10
this is by far the most emotional thing ive read from a newbie. I love this soso much! its wonderfully put, and really emotional. I hope this isnt a vent (?) but as a piece itself its really nicely put together
Im not really sure if your atheistic or maybe religious, if your atheistic then apologies, if your religious then ill just tell you how I feel.
Firstly, your words ring true, love is a lot of layers into it. Its alot of sacrifices alot of feelings and whatnot involved and sure it sometimes hurts, but I think thats what makes it wonderful. Passionate love is an impossible thing, but with God? its possible. Give time to god, and he'll give time to you. As a convert muslim, I found praying 5 times most beautiful, yk why? because 5 times a day no one waits for me, in whatever the hell my mood is. but god does. He doesnt complain that im too much of a "red" flag for venting, or too hot-headed for being angry, or too depressed. God listens, and God loves. and when God tests us, he tests us because he wants to see if we truly love him. Without tests, life's meaning is lost, without pain the blessings and happiness in the small isnt ever seen, but when tested you turn to God, you turn to him, and you beg. Sometimes he doesnt give you what you want, because he's testing you, other times he gives it. Im happy to say it took me 15 years of my life to finally understand the meaning of, "dont be desperate infront of the world, behind a humans mask of kindness and love is stories hidden behind like snarling monsters, but do turn to God, for God is as he shows himself and God is perfect." ( sorry if this was meant to be a writing and im just yapping. )
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