Interesting story! It's sort of a mix between the legend about the ferry that takes you across the river styx and the christian story about going to heaven... and also a completely new thing too, that everyone goes to heaven depending on the last thing they think ^_^
A few things I noticed:
" no land in site." site should be sight
""Where are you going to go[, change this to a ?]" the angel asked."
"No offense[insert comma here] but you're really creeping me out"
""What does that have to do with anything[, change this to a ?]" I said[insert comma here] as I stopped to look at him."
""What do you remember, think hard,"" might work better as two sentances - "What do you remember? Think hard,"
"Oh my God that must mean I'm dead" Might work better as "Oh my God! That must mean I'm dead!"
"Well do you have a name, I feel kind of weird calling you angel." might work better as "Well, do you have a name? I fell kind of weird calling you 'angel'."
""Your name is Larry," I [said. possibly change to repeated]"
"I thought your life was suppose to pass in front of your eyes before you die, that's what everyone says." might work better as two sentances.
"It makes the transion easier." probably just a typo, but transition is missing two letters.
""Just sit back and enjoy the ride, the white light is coming up soon."" might work better as two sentances.
"Then I was it, The White Light" doesn't quite make sense.... maybe "Then I was there, at the White Light"
"Then I was it, The White Light, it was as bright and beautiful and as inviting as I thought it would be." might work better as two sentances. Either that or add an and.
"I was walking across the clouds, it felt like soft cotton balls." Might work better as "Walking across the clouds felt like walking on soft cotton balls" or "The clouds felt like soft cotton balls as I was walking across them" or "I was walking across the clouds, which felt like soft cotton balls".
"We finally reached the gates and they were enormous, they towered over my head and looked like they were made of glass or maybe crystal." Two sentances (separate at the comma)
""Hello there Larry and hello to you young lady, I am Saint Peter."" Two sentances, seperate at the comma.
""Am I going to be ok[, change to ?] I mean have I been disfigured or something?""
I wasn't actually falling[, new sentance] it was more like being lowered[, change to -] kind of like being guided down by [Gods should be God's] hand.
Also, it would be nice if you could add in some description or something during the dialogue. I mean, are they just standing there while they're talking? How does the main character feel about what the angel is saying?
However, definately an interesting story ^_^ I like the ending, too.
Keep writing!
Black Cat |
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