"bible by candle light" - candlelight is one word
"sickeningly sweet but" - I think there should be a comma between 'sweet' and 'but'
"McDermott’s daughters, had" - I don't think you need the comma
"Why were you looking at her." - question mark instead of a period
"the brother’s stared" - you don't need the apostrophe
“Forgive me, bother.” - you forgot the 'r'
"the wood, and shouted" - you don't need the comma
"than a enclosure" - should be 'an' not 'a'
"Violently he tried" - comma after 'violently'
"skin had began bubble" - should be 'begun to'
"reached within himself, and found" - don't need the comma
"his skin begin to" - should be 'began'
"teeth barred" - 'bared'
"In the end Lonn" - comma between 'end' and 'Lonn'
It's impressive what you managed to accomplish with such a short story. I thought I would want to know more about how they became vampires, but I didn't need it. This is very well contained. Despite not knowing much about him, I sympathized with Lonn and felt bad that he died by his brother's hand even though he clearly loved him very much. I also feel bad for Ethan, though. In the end he was afraid to die and succumbed to his hunger; he's sort of tragic. Good work.
I like it. The story is simple and to the point. I enjoyed Death's reluctance to be called Life and how they denied they were doing anything besides saving themselves. They didn't sign up for this, but they take on the dual role anyway. Your story has a nice balance. It works as it is or it could be added too. No grammatical errors that I could see.
I don't know if you'll ever read this, seeing as your profile says you haven't been on in like 10 years, but I really like this. Your take on the living dead is quite unlike anything else I've read and I love it. I'm so glad I found this and I hope you finished this novel and got it published, I know I'm going to look around for it just in case. Minor grammar errors, but your story is solid.
'and when they did nerves screamed' forgot a comma between 'did' and 'nerves.'
'the wall she placed' comma between 'wall' and 'placed.'
'one leg she tried' comma between 'leg' and 'tried.'
'the wall perspiration' comma between 'wall' and 'perspiration.'
'bathroom she faced' comma between 'bathroom' and 'face.'
'her teeth she slid' comma between 'teeth' and 'she.'
'Hi Nancy' missing comma.
Missing comma between 'Bob' and 'your.'
should be 'want to book you' he couldn't have booked her without a time.
'She held the phone as close to her mouth' as what? You need to make a comparison or drop the as.
I found this story to be boring and demeaning to women. Why does she have to lose weight just to get a man? Maybe she should just talk to this guy who apparently likes her as she currently is? Also, that 1 hour must have been something to leave her that sore. Has she never done any strenuous activity ever, because as a person who suffers chronic back pain, works out, and still moves around just fine the next day, I find her quite unbelievable. Even on my worst days, I don't sweat from performing everyday tasks, and I tend to push myself fairly hard. She must either be pretty overweight, very weak, or have a personal trainer who doesn't know how to do his job correctly. Also, your dialogue is stiff, people don't generally talk like that.
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