Wonderful. I never expected a search for "chocolate" would net me this gem of an essay. This could easily be a back-page column in Reader's Digest or some other magazine.
Your voice comes through clearly and comfortably without sacrificing proper grammar. So many novice writers assume they can't 'be themselves' without breaking or at least stretching the rules of English, and it often ruins my enjoyment of their work. Certainly not the case here!
One line that might be improved: "I mean, I'd have to notice them, then, you know?"
I'd say: "I mean, then I'd have to notice them, you know?"
Also, you wrote "Friends". The period should go inside the punctuation.
Let me know if you edit, so I can notch this up to a 5.
This poem has that special quality that makes me want to read it over and over again. Congratulations - this one's a winner.
The following lines don't read quite as smoothly as the rest:
"I'd be a woman of means,
still, content with my herb-tea and muesli."
Maybe try this instead?
"I'd be a woman of means,
yet content with my herb tea and muesli."
If you edit, could you add in the poem's description what kind of poem this is? It follows a pattern of repeating lines that might not stand out to the average reader, but deserves recognition. It's done extremely well. I'm not surprised to see it's published.
Wow. This is so well written, it's like a brief film clip that passes before my eyes - clear, effortless, and intensely moving. It has a poetic feel.
I would change "Anniversary," since it doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, the line "Amazing, he thought..." is fully italicized, but "he thought" is narrative, and should not be set off by italics.
A controversial subject? Maybe, but there's nothing harsh about the way you dealt with it. Good way of showing the desperate need some people have for relief.
This sounds like an excellent way for "starving writers" to share their creations with the world in a new venue. I'm intrigued! I will definitely keep my eye out for promising stories from now on.
The only thing I wish this article included is a list of examples of stories that became movies. I can think of a couple, for example, O. Henry's story 'The Gift of the Magi,' but I would like to know what makes a story especially filmworthy. More info, please?
If I could change one thing about this excerpt, it would be to begin the scene with the kids playing in the snow and casually insert details about the setting later on, instead of presenting the reader with an expository paragraph all at once. It's not a major change, but I think it would "tighten up" the scene and give it a more polished feel. Don't forget to pay attention to comma use, as well!
I loved this! I've been reading all the poems in the contest, thinking to myself, 'This isn't abstract... nope, neither is this one..." and then I read yours. Wow - it was like finding a hand-carved wooden bottle inside a blown-glass ship. Unexpected and delightful!
Great use of words. Absinthe, ovoid, languid, sallow, coils, inebriated... what's not to like? I salute you, fellow poet. WRITE ON.
Oh my goodness, this was so much fun to read! I love Poe's "The Raven" and this is instantly recognizable as a poem in that style, which made me want to read more as soon as I finished the first half of the first line: "Once upon a morning bleary".
My favorite line: "Devil furniture that took delight in bounding o'er the floor."
I found no faults with the poem as it stands. Well done.
Unbelievably skilled writing. I'm so pleased this received the award it deserved. I loved the small descriptions of things that set the background for the story: cherry blossoms, sumi-e scrolls, etc.
For those not familiar with Japanese culture, you might make it more clear what sumi-e is. It's referred to as artwork in the story, but perhaps a line or two could be written to explain the reverence for calligraphy held by traditionalists.
Would the great sword master really post a printed sign outside his home advertising himself? He seems like the kind of man whose fame would speak for itself. I don't know much about feudal-era Japan, but this seemed slightly out of place.
Did Nobumasa recognize the sword master? If so, he might have jumped to the conclusion that Taka was his pupil and could defeat him easily, which accounted for his serenity of face.
Stunning description of preparations for the duel. The integrity and acceptance of "what must be" is intensely moving. Thanks for writing this incredible story.
HA! I agree completely. People just don't want poetry that actually makes sense, do they? This was a joy to read, with its good rhythm and rhyme pattern. Your examples of popular phrasings in awarded poems were hilarious. Good job; keep up the good writing... and I hope you get awarded.
I liked this for the good points it made and some creative use of language which really shows your talent. Just a few things I noticed on first glance:
"Cecily is only just 18 years old. She is 18 years old" - you've used too many repetitive phrases here. Choose "only" or "just," but not both, and don't repeat information that has already been clearly stated.
I keep reading the phrase "that is" in sentences which could be tightened up to remove the phrase, which is usually unnecessary filler. Instead of "the first big crush that is intoxicating and obsessive," say "that first intoxicating, obsessive crush." Tighter phrasing is more powerful and sounds better.
Look at the phrasing of "whom she has been in love with since even before they met." Can you word this better? Try a couple of ways of saying it and pick one that flows a little smoother.
I think you captured the moment beautifully... the changes you made were delicately done, but significant.
The ending is so touching... "We never parted without a kiss." It makes me think of husband and wife leaning toward each other for a quick kiss any time they had to part ways, if even for a short amount of time. What a treasured memory that would be, if tragedy was to strike, as it evidently did here.
I was chuckling through the entire essay. I have to guess that you know something about actual hunting from your detailed and comprehensive description of the points to consider when "tourist hunting." Well done. I found no leaps of logic or any of the egregious spelling/grammatical errors that are so common in works of this length. Thanks for a satisfying and humorous read.
I clicked on your poem because of its description. I was expecting to more detail about the narrator's experience as an abused child and the way it affected the narrator, but the poem didn't really seem to be about that. I think that's the real reason I ended up dissatisfied with the poem, because it's not a bad poem at all, but it could use some attention to detail.
By opening with "A time or two" it seems the pain is occasional and not that important. I was unsure why "Intentions" was capitalized twice. Also, "existed" only has one "s." That's all I really noticed for improvement. Hope to see more of your writing in the future!
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