Hello and thank you for writing! I grade on originality, voice, visuals, and general plot.
ORIGINALITY: C-
Zombies. I must say, zombies are on the downswing of a resurgence. Their blood and gore are starting to dry on Hollywood's floor. But there is always room in my book for a neat zombie yarn. I do like the setting.
VOICE: B
I really think there is potential here in Valentino's character. I mean, I really did enjoy the visual I got from him. I could imagine Val twirling and slicing, spinning gracefully as zombies fall around him in rotting heaps. I found myself wishing the absurdity of it was turned up a few notches. I didn't get the emotional impact from Val when Gina got bit. In general, I think I'd like to see him get fleshed out a little more.
VISUALS: B+
I really think the meat of the story is in the visuals. Since zombie material is so well-trod, for an effective zombie tale the setting needs to really make an impact. This is accomplished by painting the visual pictures a little more elaborately. But the story definitely brought the blood and gore. Loved the severed head biting Gina. That was a nice touch.
PLOT: C-
Mundane point A to point B "grab guns, kill undead, get to safety. Maybe it's just me, but there was very little to chew on--so to speak.
------
SUMMARY:
This has potential to be a neat little zombie tale. But sentences like these crop up and I, as the reader, felt more focused on their garbled structure; breaking pace and dissolving my interest. Proofread and draft, my friend.
"She grinned, the three freckles which graced the bridge of her nose stretching cheekily."
(this sentence comes across as a little bizarre. difficult to visualize)
" Valentino balanced on the edge of Gina’s boat, swinging his machete. The blue of the Venetian canal turned red as heads, whose skin was already sliding off, fell with a splash."
(This sentence needs restructuring. Badly.)
What about:
"Valentino balanced on the edge of Gina's boat. He swung the machete, arcing his strikes in graceful sweeps and dips. The blade shivered with each blow. The canal water frothed red. Clumps of skin and viscera fell with a splash into the water."
(??)
Once again, I try to be fair with my reviews. I myself, really appreciate constructive criticism. I find it helps me improve myself.
I did enjoy the zombie kills. I mean, after all when it comes right down to it that's one of the highlights of a zombie story. Lots of blood and guts :)
I'd love an opportunity to come back and review this story after it's made a couple rounds at the draft table so please feel free to contact me when that happens and I'll return to give a post-final draft review. Keep writing!
Hmm..
So, to start with I'm far from an expert. Good news incoming!...
GN---You know big words!
---Big poetry potential
Bad news incoming...
BN---Cumbersome and clunky w/ run-on sentences
---Needs proof reading/editing...BADLY
---Synonym parade
---Protagonists job unclear
---Too much tell--not enough show
Essentially, I think this needs a bit of work. Honestly if you're going to write about things mundane with an introspective/dramatic angle, you may want to put more focus on making the reader feel the monotony of the protagonist. In other words, allow the reader to come to their own conclusions. Hand-holding is no beuno.
Also, as I said, the sentence structuring and synonym hyperbole was a bit intense here. Almost like you were trying a bit too hard to showcase some big words when, really, simple is better for something like this.
Freakin awsome! I never would have thought of that. I like where this i going and I can just imagine--with your vivid wordplay at work--how the entire scene plays out, if indeed there isn't a helluva twist coming. I really want to see an entire arena filled with lust-crazy, booze-fueled rockheads get sucked into an ancient book of ultimate judgement. You have some really imaginitive ideas there! onwards I go!
Loving it =D This seems like it came straight from Tales from the Crypt. Those almost always seemed to deal with a very human element--revenge or punishment. Your writing style is very easy to follow and the visuals help move things along nicely. It reminds me of Dean Koontz, but with less emphasis on metaphor. Although there is some, its not smothering me at all, which is definetly a good thing. Once again, I'm very much enjoying the read. Here I go with Ch. 3!
Very, very wonderful first chapter! I must say I am extremely interested to see how this plays out. Is it a catalogue of secret sins? Maybe its St. Peter's book and he's due for a visit...
But as for the writing, it was immaculate. Really beautiful wordplay throughout. You really sucked me into the character and the world he occupies with your imagery and tone. I've always loved stories like this. Mega-moguls, billionaires, etc...they all interest me cause I know they ALL have soooo many skeletons.
Great job!
Very interesting storyline! (This set up intrigues me and it appears that you have a pretty cohesive beginning)
Obvious love for the story (Your fondness for this tale your telling comes through and that's defiently a strength.)
Approach (You come at this with vigor and hit high marks with me for thinking things out first. Alot of fantasy-esque tales don't invest in their set-up for their own world and find it falling to pieces half a dozen chapters in)
Creative! (You have an excellent mind for fantasy!)
Opportunities:
Spelling (There were about half a dozen or so spelling errors I noticed throughout. Not bad, but if the reader notices these it takes the mind out of the moment. Run through it a few more times, taking your time and you will spot them.)
Re-wordage/Re-phrasage (those aren't actual words, I know lol. There were several instances in this story were a sentence seemed to flow strangely. What I do is, once I am done with my first draft, I go back and read the whole thing aloud to myself. This is often the best way to see if something just sounds right.)
Editing (I think another hour or so in the editing room is all this story needs to be spot on)
In short, I think you've done a great job creating a structure on which to build a fantastic, creative story. Just make sure to edit, edit, re-edit, re-word, and edit some more.
Other than that, grand job!
Bogged down in uninteresting repetition (A unique rhyme sceme could help move this along)
Uninspired rhyme scheme (It's difficult to find the balance between what you want to say and how it should be worded to work in a meter, but the more polished the sword is, the cleaner it will cut...so to speak)
Cliche/juvenile topic (any topic or sub-genre that is well trodden has to be spiced up in order to be recieved well. Try throwing in some metaphor. It will give your audience a visual to focus on and enjoy as you lead us through the piece)
I give fairly critical reviews, I know, but I do read every piece at least twice, generally ignoring grammatical errors or flow inconsistancies, and focusing on story elements.
Keep on writing. With some polish I think you could have a decent poem here.
So I wasn't really sure if this was poem or prose so I leaned more towards prose. I think you have a good voice and while I don't quite agree with your message I do think everyone has the right to their own opinion.
The actual piece does seem to have an off kilter flow, wether intentional or not I'm not too clear, but I didn't pay too much mind to it as the message was the important part.
I believe sex can definetly be a shallow, meanigless act between two individuals and it can be initiated with poor judgement and short-sightedness, but I think its more a question of maturity. Before I settled down with my wife I was 'out there'. I had various partners, some turned into relationships, some did not, yet I don't recall ever feeling like the act was selfish or emotionless. If I take your meaning correctly, your saying that love is disappearing, replaced by only shallow, callous sex. Yes?
Sex is so much better when its with someone you truly love and care about, but sex just plain feels good and as long as you're practicing safe sex and respecting the other person, it can be good too.
Very nice. This reminded me of when I first moved to Washington. I was going through a rough patch in California and I needed a change. Sure enough a couple weeks in I was homesick. Bad. I started to meditate to try and find some innner resolution. I would walk into the forest and imagine all my fears, my trepidation at this new place, my homesickness behind as I walked back out of the forest an hour or so later. It was very therapeutic. I enjoyed the images and this one definetly struck a chord in me. I liked the image of leaving the stone behind you. Very nice metaphor.
Congrats on a meaningful, heartfelt poem!
Nicely done! I really liked the flow of the story. The dialogue seemed a little 'stuffy' and unrealistic at times, but other than that I give it a thumbs up.
Except for just one spelling error that I noticed...
“Because if you don’t, my friends will force you too,” He motioned over to the bar. ---the word 'too' should be changed to the correct, 'to'.
Lots of flash stories seem to discard the use of backstory, but I think this is a mistake. Just a few lines, wether introduced through dialogue or some other device can really help carve out a story. In this one there wasn't really any specific need so I didn't fault you on that and I also didn't even glance at grammatical errors too much cause honestly unless it becomes a major tripping point I focus more on story, pacing, and flow and all those things overall were very good. Nicely done here, again.
PS: Wondering: is this a world in which most humans are aware of the existence of vampires/witches? If not then Evan's reaction is pretty nonchalant for having just witnessed six individuals burst into flame! ha!
I definetly enjoyed this story. My only gripe I guess would be a little more backstory - not much, mind you - would have made the ending feel a bit less cliche. Well, I'm lying, it would still feel cliche, but it just seems like too easy a pitch. The werewolf hunter flipping over the naked, battered body of the once powerful, monstrous beast and finding it to be his brother/sister/father, etc...
But its difficult to do anything fresh with werewolf stories. Everything has just been done to death. Not that this personal gripe hurts the quality of the writing or anything. You do have a very good grasp of pace and there were a lot of great images throughout. I enjoyed this!
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