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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bobinusa
Review Requests: OFF
169 Public Reviews Given
169 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I aim to be straight-forward. My reviews will focus on my reading experience, not the way I would write your story.
I'm good at...
Story logic and motivation are important to me. I enjoy word play and crisp dialog.
Favorite Genres
Short stories of interpersonal drama, comedy that comes from character, and science fiction are my particular favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Horror and gore have to be really good to keep my interest.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and flash fiction
Least Favorite Item Types
Horror
Public Reviews
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Review of Virus  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Amethyst Snow Angel Author Icon. I found your story "Virus" Open in new Window. by strolling through your portfolio.
I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you find useful. Ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I wish I could write as smoothly as your story flowed. My attention did not lag throughout, which is a significant writing achievement.

Plot: Damien decides to kill Mary Rose, an innocent gardener, because her father reported Damien's computer crimes to the government. He takes her to an isolated, backwoods location, but has particular scruples as to finally ending her life.

Antagonist: Damien seems too reasonable in his dialogue, not like a computer driven mad by a virus. He doesn’t harm Mary Rose in little bits to heighten her fear. That he didn’t just kill her needs more explanation (to allow the reader feel the threat).

"Because I'm a hacker, not a sex offender” is so readily recast as "Because I'm a hacker, not a murderer” that the illusion of him as a creditable threat crumbled. His character became whatever was needed to drive the story.

Climax: The title imo is misleading. I liked the idea that his behavior was driven by a virus, like a strange behavior in a computer program, but the resolution didn’t depend on that or add anything to the bare idea.

Diction: POV shift. Question marks. He considered this a moment. She's only a girl. Wouldn't do any harm to let her stop a moment. That is a nice little plant there, isn't it.

Thank you for sharing your story, Amethyst Snow Angel Author Icon. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts Author Icon

Invalid Photo #1068181



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Review of Summer Kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Schnujo's NOT Doing NaNoWriMo Author IconMail Icon,
I know this is an old entry. I hope you won't mind a thumbnail review from a reader in 2023.
Solid, clear, flowing telling of a first summer kiss.
I waited and waited to find an attitude or action that would confirm the approximate age of the pair. In a similar vein, perhaps intentionally, you did not reveal much about the era in which the kiss occurred. With the narration re first kiss, second date, I assumed perhaps 1950s.
Thanks for an enjoyable story.
Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
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3
Review of Soup's On You  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The ending made me laugh. Good job!
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4
Review of Watermelon Man  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Graywriter Author Icon. After your helpful review of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window., I want to return the favor. I found "Watermelon Man" Open in new Window. highlighted in your portfolio.

Good mock epic style. The story was a smooth read with humor.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you find useful, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I felt Spitz's yearning for victory, but I did not feel drama and suspense. To achieve that, you need obstacles, not just an opponent. I liked the foray his mouth was dry, but it was easily remedied. After that, Spitz's efforts were the same, just the results varied.

As a mock epic, you are allowed a wide swath of improbable events from the villain, Winkhauser, to thwart the hero's efforts. Spitting on the running platform causing Spitz to foul an attempt—comes to mind. I'm sure you can come up with better.

Neil Gaiman says that a writer should accept as fact when a reader says he doesn’t get something, but the reader’s solutions are often wrong. If they are right, rejoice and use them, but don’t focus on the proffered solutions, but on the knowledge that, for that reader, your story missed a target.

Thank you for sharing your story, Graywriter Author Icon. Keep on writing!

See you around the site.

Burning Thoughts Author Icon
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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Chris Breva Author Icon. I found your story "Strange Fruit Salad" Open in new Window. on scrolling through your short stories. The title, combining oddness with fresh fruit, demanded I read it.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what is useful to you, ignore that which isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

I quite enjoyed the juxtaposition of ordinary and oddness as well as the lead's self-deprecating attitude. If you decide to revise the flash story, here are a few suggestions for your consideration.

Characters:
"Oh Mom," he complained. "I'm... The lead is a woman! The earlier phrase "Being a glutton for punishment" seems a masculine sentiment.
Theme:
When discussing dinner, consider strengthening the characters. Perhaps Mom: I’ll knock them out of their food ruts. Husband: steak and potatoes. Son: wants pizza and coke while he plays computer.
Does Milbourne's name have special significance?

Setting:
Give more like oddities as red bananas, orange grapes. Very nice. Later, when Mom mentions them again, use your talent for odd juxtaposition to add concrete variety to the imagery.

Climax:
The ending was unsurprising because of the earlier,"... give you mine and go eat the dog food.
This reader was not sure of the story takeaway intended.

Suggestions: Your skill with humor would benefit from closer attention to spelling and syntax.

An enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing your story, Chris Breva Author Icon. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts Author Icon
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Review of Leaving Ireland  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, PenHawk Author Icon. I found your story "Leaving Ireland" Open in new Window. in community news. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot: This chapter tells the tale of a family's emigration from Ireland using the point of view of a young son.

I did not understand why the landlord changed his mind from refusing to agreeing.

*Bullet* Suggestion: You might consider showing the conflict (getting the landlord to help pay for their passage) in scenic form. That allows me, the reader, to feel their emotion plight as well as make a bit of sense of the Irish world they were fleeing.

Mechanics ▼

Thank you for sharing your story, PenHawk Author Icon. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts Author Icon

P.S. Your title caught my eye as I have a similar story, although decades earlier, that you might find interesting. "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.




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Review of Whisperer  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sue,

I enjoyed "Whisperer" very much. It's a pleasing story of a romance gone wrong, that ends with a surprise in a noddingly, satisfying way.

You missed opening quotes a couple times.
 You may joke, old son, but yes, it has crossed my mind, occasionally.’
 That’s okay, Pal. I’ll say goodnight then.’

I'll mention a sentence that you may want to consider as two sentences.
 ‘You should just get rid of him, he’s not good for you.’

I like the smooth-flowing, easy-to-follow language you relate the story with.

Bob
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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Real good story, Sue. I especially loved Chris' realization in the last phrase.
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9
Review of Why no Wimple?  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very amusing little story. Thanks, Beholden Author Icon
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Review of Survival  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Sumojo Author Icon. I found your story "Survival " Open in new Window. in the Dreamweaver Anthology 10, just where you said it would be. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what's useful, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered solely with the intention of being constructive.

The tale is gripping and reads very well.

Good char development driven by apt dialog and diction.
Excellent use of local color. Immersed me into the story.
It was enjoyable how much story was covered in just over 2100 words.

However, the ending was a bit of a letdown for the tense story line.

A couple of easy-to-fix typos:
Dave remained in his precarious position. It should be Sam.
placing his his forehead on the ground. Remove duplicate word.

*Bullet* Suggestion:
It's your story, but you might find this worth considering. From my vantage point, the most interesting conflict was between Sam's belief he's a super-survivalist and his dawning recognition that he wasn’t. A dramatic twist would be the third person kills the wild pig. Sam hides that truth (or not) from his friend picking him up.

Thank you for sharing your story, Sue. It was a pleasure to tread. See you around the site.
Bob

Burning Thoughts Author Icon
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for entry "Where Am I? " Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Princess Megan Snow Rose Author Icon
Great idea. I like a puzzle.
My guess is Princess Diana's childhood house. The details I had to look up, but it seems to fit.
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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, BariRandom Author Icon. I found your story "The Remedy of Space" Open in new Window. in your portfolio as a return review. I enjoyed it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore what isn't. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot:
My full attention was immediately grabbed by Hive's plight, death threatening unless Lim acts to save him.

*Bullet* Setting:
This sentence arrested my immersion. If they detached from the station at the right spot they’d be sucked into the gravity well I assume that wherever the detachment took place, they would plunge into the planet's gravity.

*Bullet* Characters:
I like the mysteriousness of Hive's name. It's a nice peek into the reality that hasn't a chance to be described in this flash piece.
Lim is an interesting bauble of actions.

*Bullet* Diction:
The narration jarred a bit with this viewpoint shift. She was slipping into her claustrophobia.

that’s what being the last batch of humans did to you. Such an overwhelming fact of their existence, yet not used elsewhere. Hmmm. Also it's prefaced He guessed. I wondered why he was excluding himself from that impact, as he seems to be human.

Regardless, I enjoyed the story and thank you for sharing it, BariRandom Author Icon. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts Author Icon

P.S. You might enjoy this flash piece with a sci-fi backdrop. "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


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Review of Sprocket  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Schnujo's NOT Doing NaNoWriMo Author Icon. I found your flash fiction "Sprocket" Open in new Window. in your extensive portfolio. Although it's a handful of years old, I suppose you won't mind that it's still being read.

A quite enjoyable riff. Flowed very smoothly.

My interpretation is the sprocket she gave him was just a bauble to divert her hypochondriac master, who was as easily fixed as the steampunk machine with the next sprocket.

Thank you for sharing your humorous attitude, Schnujo's NOT Doing NaNoWriMo Author Icon. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts Author Icon

P.S. "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. might tickle your funny bone.



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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, BariRandom Author Icon. I found your "Scene: The end of the Gala" Open in new Window. in your portfolio, which I had hopped to from the review email of "Mortal."

I usually review stories, not scenes. Thus my immediate reaction reaction was nothing changed, but— I chided myself—scenes don't necessarily involve change. A scene can display a character's traits to establish their sensibility in subsequent scenes. I read the scene several times to help me give constructive comments.

*Bullet* Characters:
The narrator, the woman-girl-escort, is the character this reader is drawn to identify with, to feel emotions through. However, she describes the alpha male, her partner for the evening, with more detail than she reveals about herself. That's fine, as it seems your purpose may be to take the puffed-up male down a few pegs.

The predatory male is a master of double-talk, a fake, powerful, and transiently reveals the "neck ... of a vulture", yet charms with straight, white teeth, the skin of his cheeks folding pleasantly to transform the bottom half of his face into the beautiful stereotypical white male businessman’s. And the half-smile, the fake smile.

*Bullet* Suggestion:
I can only guess where you might use this scene, but you might consider strengthening the narrator's characterization or motivation, as they can be used to strengthen the conflict the two will eventually arrive at.

Just spitballing (to be more concrete about the suggestion): The scene has “Yes sir,” was all she could muster. Even if you don't want her to reveal more at this time in dialog, why she was reduced to such an effete agreement is a prime opportunity to disclose to the reader a bit of the tension of forces that presage the later conflict. I hope that's not too elliptical.

Thank you for sharing your scene, BariRandom Author Icon. Let me know when you post more of the story.

Burning Thoughts Author Icon
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Review of The Handkerchief  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, AJBurchell- Australia Author Icon,

After you reviewed "Mortal", I dropped by your portfolio and noticed your featured poem, "The Handkerchief" Open in new Window.. I was looking for a story, but the image of John Barleycorn or Jethro Tull's Aqualung forced me to stop and make an effort, reflecting upon your prose poem.

Poetry is not my native habitat, so perhaps I can ask a question. Does the policeman represent order, the antithesis of the nearly Brownian motion in the fall of a lacy 'kerchief?

The freedom-order contrast is appealing. The pragmatic construction of the poetic world was also an enjoyable read.

Thank you for sharing your poetry.

Burning Thoughts Author Icon


P.S. On rare occasions, the poetic muse smiles on me. Here's a idealistic, nearly romantic interlude "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


He has the facts, but not the phosphorescence of learning.
Emily Dickinson
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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Wickedfugitive Author Icon. I found your story "What Dreams May Come" Open in new Window. in your portfolio.

An enjoyable fairy tale. One that I might tell my granddaughter when she visits next. I especially liked the dream globes and crossing between them. Very nice.

You have a very small typo, a missing 'r' in 'through' glimpse of him slipping though the forest ahead of me

Thank you for sharing your story, Wickedfugitive Author Icon. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts Author Icon
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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, Dawsongirl.
I came to your portfolio after seeing the notification that you fan'd a fable of mine.
 
This rejection of "Roget's Thesaurus" got me laughing, leaving me in a wonderful humor. With six people already giving it highest ratings, my kudos may be superfluous but you deserve to hear them again.
 
Delightful. Anything but boring, boring, boring!
 
As a one-time chemist I loved "The Development of Nitrous-Oxide -- No Laughing Matter".
 
I can't finish the review without citing your final hilarious instructions.
 
    1. rewrite it in rhyme, add moral lessons, and illustrate the text with drawings of chubby children and small mammals
 
    2. Before mailing your manuscript, take a pen and cross out at all unnecessary words.
 
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Thanks,
Bob

Burning Thoughts Author Icon
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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great story, Robert. The story time flowed seamlessly. That it ended up being nearly 2000 words astonished me that it passed so quickly.

BTW I saw a link to your story on Max Griffin's Author newsletter.

Bob

Burning Thoughts Author Icon

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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, Princess Megan Snow Rose Author Icon
Your "Back To The Past: Jane Austen Part One" Open in new Window. caught my attention as I looked among your extensive portfolio for something to review, to return the favor that you review of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

I see that you wrote this 10 years ago, but Jane Austen's time was 200+ years, so that's nothing. I have read the first 5 parts.

The thrill of a wish come true shines through the chapters. The Regency world is getting crowded with contemporary friends. Where will this lead?

Thank you,Princess Megan Snow Rose Author Icon for posting your novel of an intriguing era.

Bob

Burning Thoughts Author Icon
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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Interesting ideas to base a story on.

After reading a pitch, I expect to know who's the point of view character. Both Kaelin and Liam could take that place which leaves me uncertain as to your story intention.

Another pitch consideration is the style which the novel will have. In my opinion, a partial scene displaying a crucial conflict between the two would answer that question and engage the emotions as well as the intellect of the pitch reader.

I hope you post a bit of Believer here.
Burning Thoughts Author Icon
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Review of The Semicolon  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Not a review, but an attaboy. Craft point well-made, with an well-chosen example.
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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, GhostFerno Author Icon
Your "Loner Rehabilitation Program" Open in new Window. caught my eye in my search for a story as a return review of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. My impressions of Chapter 1 are offered in the spirit of a constructive review. If my ideas help you, I'll be pleased. If they don't, ignore them.

*Bullet* Plot: The chapter introduced two characters and the situation, with the twist that Adrian was pulled in by the god who made a mistake.

*Bullet* Characters: Adrian was dull but believable. He hasn't shown initiative or spark yet. As a reader, I want to identify with or root for one character. Adrian seems the choice here, but he has yet to give me reason to do.
The entity who may be considered a god is mysterious. I want to discover more about they.

*Bullet* Mechanics:
I like the way the god's thoughts are transmitted to Adrian in square brackets.
You might want to reconsider 'memory lane' in the god's narration. That's a human phrase. Replacing it offers the opportunity to make the god's viewpoint unique and specific.Knowing that they won’t be able to get through to this human when his mind is currently going down memory lane
The word 'snot' seemed coarser than the other word choices.

*Bullet* Flow of story:
The paragraph containing this world has the unique property of having special particles is an infodump. In my opinion, you need to develop a reason for Adrian to need this information, then the info can arise organically. The point might be used to develop the story conflict.

*Bullet* Setting: I find the Chapter 1 situation too nebulous to respond strongly to. You might consider amplifying the '...' for both characters to highlight character traits they reveal in responding to their plight.

Overall Impression: You have shown the tip of an intricate world. You have yet to develop the character-driven conflict that would pull me in.

"Invalid Item" Open in new Window. attempts to sketch an alien character in another manner.

Keep on writing, GhostFerno Author IconMail Icon

Burning Thoughts Author Icon
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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, David Layman Author Icon.
I found your story "My name is George Beggs" Open in new Window. in the Please Review list. I recalled your strong characters and vivid scenes from an earlier Bridge story. That induced me to give this story a read. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Of course, this review is only how I see your piece. Accept what you is useful to you, ignore that which doesn't help. Any advice is offered with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Bullet* Plot: On the whole, good, clear sequence of events and well-motivated.
  The ending always seemed likely to me. You might consider more misdirection of the reader, perhaps Angela had an earlier fling with a posh businessman. Just a thought.

*Bullet* Setting: Is it real that a trustee can drive the garbage truck off-prison? For a lay reader like myself, a further bit of prison life which makes that reasonable would have helped my immersion in the story.

*Bullet* Characters: George and Jonesy had well-defined personalities for this short story. I really enjoyed George's stiffing the trustee's expectation near the end.
   Angela was vaguer. While I can see the reason to support suspense, George should have sharper, more concrete images of his wife's actions, even if his interpretations are wrong.

*Bullet*Mechanics: ▼

*Bullet* Suggestions: I find MS Word's feature, Read Aloud, to be useful in revising. The real clinkers of mistakes are more easily heard than through silent reading. After working on my story to exhaustion, I find it hard to go back and read it, for weeks. Read Aloud bridges the gap.

*Bullet* Overall Impression: The firm placement into a prisoner's mindset is well done, with the caveats I noted above.

Thank you for sharing your story, David Layman Author Icon. Keep on writing!

Burning Thoughts Author Icon


P.S. You might enjoy a change of pace with a juvenile delinquent story. "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. or "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

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Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, GhostFerno Author Icon
I wanted to return the favor of your review. Following are some comments on the start of your novel "Loner Rehabilitation Program (Chps 4/?)" Open in new Window..

Let me start by mentioning my brother was only 15 months older than me, so I can relate to that relationship in your story. Although as Tolstoy wrote, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Considering your comments after the story piece, I will be brief.

*Bullet* I am a short story writer. I prefer a focus and streamlining in a story to support specific reader takeaways. Since this is a novel start, I expect more discursive forays, but it was hard for me to understand the importance of bathroom difficulties and etiquite in support of a desired reader takeaway.

*Bullet* Punctuation linking dialog to speaker could use some work. I often had to stop and figure out who was talking. If the speaker is performing an act, the dialog is often well served by being in that same paragraph. If the dialog starts a new paragraph, it signals a shift from the previous paragraph.

*Bullet* Unusual syntax to convey non-verbal attitude arrested reading flow. E.g. “*Sigh* Why is Adrian such a good little detective?

*Bullet* Although sexual preference is an important story theme, Adrian waffles, but I’m more attracted to girls than boys!” You might want to consider making the choice more dramatic.

Thank you for your idea of our evolving world, GhostFerno Author Icon.

Bob
Burning Thoughts Author Icon
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Review of Wanderlust  Open in new Window.
Review by Burning Thoughts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Felix O'Melany Author Icon,
I dropped by your portfolio and read your poem, "Wanderlust" Open in new Window.. The title drew me in.

Poetry is not my forte, so consider my comments from that baseline. Although the poem was short, it was sufficiently intricate that I had to read slowly and carefully to catch its meanings.

My favorite line is the second part of the enjambment not to tie | Leashes to our necks or nooses to our minds. Both body and mind can wander—or not.

"Wanderlust" covers much more than the title alludes to. The opening two lines define life, while the final line deals with life's end.

You might consider this. The reference to Unleash Earth's passion and then nature's high, for me, worked against including mental wanderings within the poem's scope.

Thank you for sharing your poetry,Felix O'Melany Author Icon.

Bob

PS. One time, at a coffee shop with a charming chanteuse performing, I got struck by the poetic muse. Perhaps
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#2184499 by Not Available.
might interest you.


He has the facts, but not the phosphorescence of learning.
Emily Dickinson
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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bobinusa