\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/branhr/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
327 Public Reviews Given
432 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
<   1  2  3  4   >
51
51
Review of "The Best Gift"  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You know what. I couldn't think of one thing to improve this anyway. It was sweet and magical and I wouldn't change a thing. I like that you wrote what you did at the end too. It drives me crazy when I write from a particular prompt and folks want to know why I did this or that when I surely wouldn't have picked that prompt out of thin air and written about it. It was what it was. And I can't help believing that something beyond us is helping us along with what we write and that someone needs to read exactly what was written. Call it syncronicity or whatever. I have written poems here and someone almost immediately writes back saying they were in that situation and needed to read that, on that particular night.

Maybe someone will donate their organs because of this story, or maybe someone will just have a warm feeling that there is order in the universe after all.

I enjoyed it and congratulations on your third place win as i know it was further proof that, while you chose the law, the muse chose you. Good luck with the writing.

Brandy
52
52
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow, you sound like my mom. She happens to be an attorney also. Had a teacher one time make the girls write a report about why boys are smarter than girls. When my mom and the chief of police (woman) mom of another girl raised cain, he did another competition and the boys lost. Then they had to do a paper on "how it feels to lose against the weaker sex."

I grew up in Alabama, still here, but the teacher was this short, rotund wrestling coach (looked just like fred flintstone) who was maybe Italian (His name was Chimento). A few years later, I saw him at the mall and just walked up and asked him, "you still make the kids do those rediculous reports about the weaker sex?" (I had graduated by then). He said, he was just preparing us to be able to handle chauvinistic attitudes in the future. Yeah, right. Anyway, after that year, no more boy against girl contests and No more of those reports.

As a teen, it felt good that my mom wouldn't stand for that kind of crap (well, embarassing at the time but still cool, and I'm proud of her now for doing it). But out of a room with maybe 18 girls, those two were the only ones to call the principal and say "He said "what" to my daughter and the other girls." Both were highly educated women in positions related to the law and knew better than to let this happen. I also wonder about the other parents who feel powerless to change things.

I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing.

SWPoet

Your daughter ought to be proud to have you as a mom.
53
53
Review of Depression  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the hope this brings with the capitalized YES. I too believe that if we bury ourselves under the dirt of our "disorder", we deny others to see our gifts. And, we deny ourselves a chance to experience our gifts. Worse yet, we deny others from seeing in themselves, the same despair but also the same hope. I agree that sharing what you go through is a way you can help others feel they arent alone and isn't depression the ultimate ALONE. Others can see your positive attitude here and really believe someone else out there is like them and they found a way to dig out of the hole for now and stand up and be themselves and be proud of who they are. It's sometimes the most courageous thing to do, to stand naked (proverbially, that is) and say THIS IS ME. I accept me for who I am. I can't personally be anything but me. I'm a lousy liar anyway.

Other lines I liked are:
"Silence is not always golden, then"
and later you wrote..
"Perhaps it will touch their own silence.


Great job sharing and helping others understand Depression. It helps me understand my own mother more. Thank you for the insight.

Keep up the great work.
SWPoet
54
54
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I loved this, especially the last three lines. Some of the areas in brackets or parentheses really enhanced the poem, but none so much as the third to last line.

If I were Anne Frank (and you were a diary)

My opinion of what this poem is saying (my reaction)-
The poem shows someone who has courage in their words but when speaking, tends to doubt their ability to say what they feel. Through art you are able to express what words fail. But if life were only to be expressed in words on the page, you would have no problem expressing yourself.

The parentheses are fascinating because you are almost saying Here is my poem , but just in case it's not good enough, take a look in the brackets.
This impression also works very well with that the poem actually says.;

"My courage blows away
and goes away."

Wonderful poem on many different levels. I personally find that I have no loss for words when typing but I find myself all the time with a word on the tip of my tongue and substitute it for a much less desirable word because I just can't seem to express myself with as much fluidity as I can write.

Keep up the great work. I really enjoyed this.

SWPoet
55
55
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, mars.

My step-dad came here from Holland when he was 20 and his sisters still live in Holland (one sis in Niew Vennep and another in Noord Oost Polder, originally they were from Gouda. My parents had a German exchange student (as did my aunt), our best friend is about to move to Edinburgh, Scotland for three years for a doctorate in history and we are involved in Karate and have had friends from Japan stay with us a few times. My 6 yo and 3 yo sons LOVE sushi. All this and we are from a podunk little town in middle east Alabama -southeastern USA. People expect us to drive tractors, be "rednecks" and have horrible grammar. So much for stereotypes. Although, I have to admit my family is usually the only ones in the chinese restaurant who eat with chopsticks and whose kids are eating sushi WITH chopsticks. My husb and I have been Europe twice together and he has been twice without me before we married. I spent a month in Bolivia and a week in Brazil in college.

Great site and idea to do the poll. The world does seem to be shrinking and it's about time. I hope people from other countries realize that not everyone in America is proud of how Bush has done things and mend some fences.

Take care,
SWPoet
56
56
Review of Were I a poet  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
You are, my friend, you are.

Great job and I love the centering and the font. It is very delicate while "thinking" that it is not or that it is unable to do express what it is expressing.

We all tend to be that way, I think. We wish we were attractive, even when others think us attrractive enough. Others but not ourselves. We are so much harder on ourselves, don't you think?

I loved it. Great job.

SWPoet
57
57
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Selsh,

Brought a tear to my eye. This is what I feel too. Frustration that people don't see that the things they can SEE are only window dressings. Within us all is the same thing -emotion, hopes, dreams, fears, sadness, etc. Thank you for writing such a moving piece.

There are a few typo-s. Nothing major and I would suggest nothing other than spell check or grammar check. I will try to show the parts I found (in parentheses)but please don't think I'm picking. I loved it!

I breathe air. I am hungry. I wait for breakfast. It’s my favorite meal. I wonder a lot. I am social. I am adventurous. I get this butterfly feeling when I see my love. I wonder when ill (I'll) see them (him/her?) next. I love kids. I want some of my own some day. I will raise them well. I want them to be the best. I worry a lot sometimes. Did I lock the door? I get bored. Sometimes I get in agitated moods. I hate it when people chew with their mouths open. I am obsessed with keeping things clean. I get angry when I watch the news. I think a lot. I wonder why humans hurt each other. I don’t want to get hurt. I get scared. I feel bad for people who are in bad situations. I hope things gets (get) better for them. I love to move. Sometimes I cry alone. I feel. I get hurt. I get sad. I get down. I get excited. I get happy. I am Asian. I am Black. I am white. I am Brown. I am Muslim. I am Jewish. I am what I am. I am Human.

Great job. Look forward to reading your work in the future.

SWPoet
58
58
Review of "Secret Sister"  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
That is terrific. I really like it. I see this so much, you are right.
I really like the chorus and the last line-the best (except it needs to be two O's (choose). Otherwise, wonderful.


I would love to get a book together of domestic violence topic poetry that are inspirational and provide them to domestic violence shelters. I have another item-another song- in the social issues folder.

 Not Lookin’ For A Love Like That Open in new Window. (E)
Lyrics for country song shouting what many women want to say, but many cannot say.
#1333780 by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon


Keep up the great work.

SWPoet

Sort of a country one thought I'm not so much into country. Hope ya like it.
59
59
Review of Two Mothers  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great job. I like that alot.

I thought I would make a few suggestions to make it flow better in a few spots, but when I put them down, your way sounded better or my way would have changed the tense. So I figure, why mess with a good thing. I thought you said it brilliantly and I enjoyed reading it.

Check out Light Survives Trilogy in the Social Issues folder. You said in much fewer words what I was trying to convey and I confused some folks with which mother I was referring to. Basically, it's the same message but you got to the point. (getting to the point isn't my thing sometimes.) Anyway, I loved it. Great job. I usually give 4.5 if I could improve it some but since I couldn't, Here's a 5 for ya.
Write On!
SWPoet


Read only if you wish:
The only suggestion I have is this:
I did think maybe line 6 would flow better with 5 syllables. Also line 4 would flow better if it had only 6 syllables. Not so sure how to rephrase it without changing knew to know and grew to grow. But then, everything else is past tense so it wouldn't sound right to make that future tense. Anyway, even though I couldn't come up with a better suggestion, I thought I would let you know the spot I mentioned above. A very very minor thing but since the rest of the poem had such good meter and flow, that line was the only one that seemed to disrupt the flow.
60
60
Review of Mama's Play Time  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Love it! Great rhyme and rhythm and a little twist at the end. And I love the color. At first I thought the mom put the kid to bed and was fixing a PBJ for herself. WHy not? I think you did a great job.

SWPoet



I'm watchin the clock now. One hour and Jack Jack is at nap. ONly problem-Will doesn't do naps so I have to paint with him or do something special. Oh, well. Momma's play time is after 8. Best I can do.
61
61
Review of Deal With It!  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
You ought to write speeches. I can see someone standing up talking to Congress reading this. Great job. You show how insensitive and ignorant people can be (top half). Like when someone loses a child and some idiot says, "well at least you still have a kid". Some people are clueless.

Everytime I see my son who looks like me and we talk in the family about who one of the kids acts like or looks like, I have a little pang inside thinking of my cousin (the one my aunt adopted) looking at her parents and wondering what her "first" parents are like. Heck, I wonder. I've seen pics of the mother but the father is a mystery. We have a signature and a basic description but not a nationality. She has green eyes, dark hair, and her facial features almost look greek or middle eastern although she is not any darker than me. She is very pretty but I can see how she would catch onto any phrase from her friends parents (or me if I'm not careful) and feel bad about not knowing what they look like.

You did a great job and I like the optimistic and positive attitude and determination in this poem.

Take care,
SWPoet
62
62
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, what movement. I like how you use words to show "lull, movement, circadian rhythms". I especially like the last few lines-from Yuppies down and how the last line cinches the deal. Great job.

SWPoet
63
63
Review of A pair of socks  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
..Lin,

I really like this. (changing the color for the word pink was fun, too).
This says alot about humanity. We look different on the outside but we all are still human-smell and all. Leave it up to a dog to be wise enough to notice that they smell the same. We would probably put one in one category and one sock in the other, failing to use our senses enough to notice they smelled the same.

Cute but also profound. Great job.
thank you for contributing.

SWPoet
64
64
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I wondered about the line about foundation but the more I read it, it is actually very profound. It's as if you are saying we women are able to wake up to a new day, cover our storms with foundation and go out in the world again a new person. The putting on of a "new face" mixed with the covering up of mistakes from before allow us to to meet each day with a fresh start.

I think you got the spirit of what that format was looking for and I personally do not really care about form as long as you convey your message. i love it when you have to read it a few times in confusion and then, BANG, you get it. Or rather, you get what you think is the message. It's okay that three people may get three different messages out of this but, well, this was mine. I liked it very much. Thank you for trying it out.
65
65
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I wondered about the line about foundation but the more I read it, it is actually very profound. It's as if you are saying we women are able to wake up to a new day, cover our storms with foundation and go out in the world again a new person. The putting on of a "new face" mixed with the covering up of mistakes from before allow us to to meet each day with a fresh start.

I think you got the spirit of what that format was looking for and I personally do not really care about form as long as you convey your message. i love it when you have to read it a few times in confusion and then, BANG, you get it. Or rather, you get what you think is the message. It's okay that three people may get three different messages out of this but, well, this was mine. I liked it very much. Thank you for trying it out.
66
66
Review of The Dance  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, I love how the whole life is intermingled into one dance.
You captured the emotion perfectly, as well as the feeling of being trapped.

The only thing I would continue working on some of the phrasing because there are a few spots that tripped me up a little when I was reading it and interrupted the flow a little. I think this poem is definitely worth keeping on with some minor revisions becuase it is very good. I have some that I just read over every week or so and I catch something different each time-a word to be added or swapping a three syllable word for a two to make the flow better. I'm not so concerned with meter in general, especially if the message is really good. However, if you mix up the word order to make something rhyme, sometimes it brings the rhyme to the forefront and causes the message to recede a little.

Here are some of the lines that I think could use some tweaking. Again, I loved the poem and the message so don't feel discouraged at all. It was brilliant. Just giving you some ideas to make it more so!



A little girl spinning,
She dreams of the dance.
Cant wait for the beginning, (appostrophe in the word can't)
Of love and romance.

The day soon does come, (the day soon comes - might sound better)
She's given a taste.
The dance has begun,
She finds his embrace.

The band plays slow,
His hands on her hips.
How far will this go?
In love, hers meet his lips. (in love, they touch lips-not sure about this one)

The tempo flips,
They laugh as they spin. they laugh as she spins (might rhyme better)
They kiss and she dips,
Married life soon begins.

The beat keeps rising,
Creating sheer bliss.
The baby is crying,
As they share their last kiss. (they share one last kiss)

At the peak of the dance,
Her man holds no more.
A halt to romance,
She is thrown to the floor. wonderful imagery. A twist to what is expected!

The ballroom then fades,
Life is seen for what it is. (She sees her life , too late)
Too late to fix the mistake she has made, (to fix mistakes she's made)
Now that her life is his. (Now that her live is his to take)

She weeps on the floor,
As she is beaten again. (beaten once again) -"as" takes up syl. w/o adding
He loves her no more, (he's loving her to her death
As new dance begins. his new dance begins)

When it was, she would beam, (when it was??? not sure what this means)
She has lost her romance. (they've lost the romance)
Inside, the little girl screams, (her inner child screams)
This isn't the dance! love this revelation



Please don't think I'm rewriting this for you, I was just giving you some ideas of good and areas to work with. Great job!

SWPoet
67
67
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I can picture this town after reading this. I've been to Maine (Camden area) but not Lubec. However, there are many small towns in Alabama that have all but disappeared when a Walmart moves in about 20 miles away. Old plantation like houses next to an operating post office, an abandoned train station and an old one-pump gas station/food mart still open and nothing else for for 5-10 miles. Having been raised in the city, these rural areas, though, are a breath of fresh air (albeit the smell of cows now and then).

Although you speak of Maine, this town could be anywhere and it brings up pictures of the reader's own area. Great job.

Only one type-o/spelling glitch I noticed:

but now seem strait out of history
strait should be straight
68
68
Review of Dibble, Dabble  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I think you are a quick study. That was good. Deep in a simplistic way. You said something in each stanza that made me think and gave reasons for writing.
It also flowed well and the repeating consonant sounds at the beginning was not just for rhyme, it had relevance to what the next two lines said. I really liked the one

Mingle, Mangle
Twisted feelings
Separating real from fake

I was doing a short story yesterday and the night before to turn in last night and it was supposed to be fiction but it turned out to be based on a factual event. I think I was more hindered by trying to make it close to true than if I had just purposely done everything out of my head with no semblance of non-fiction. Sometimes it really is hard to separate fact and fiction and to decide which to select for your piece or in what amounts. I also liked the last stanza. I also write to figure out what I think about something. You made some great points and I can't think of any corrections needed.

Great job.
69
69
Review of Sassy  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
That was sweet. My favorite part was where Sassy was rocking her doll just like she had been rocked. You know she has internalized the good in her new family - so much nicer to see than seeing a child hit their doll because thats what was done to them.

My only comment is to try to use "her" or "she" a little more since you are only talking about one child the whole time. If there were two girls, you would have to say the name more. Maybe it's just the name is a little different so it sticks out more. Also, you could use "her parents" occasionally instead of Buddy and Jeni just to vary things a bit.

(And, it was what my grandmother used to say to me when I was being a smarty pants-not in a good way-so the word really sticks out to me).

Nothing wrong with you calling her that though. It's kind of cute.


Other than using more pronouns, I really liked it. I like how you brought her to an older place and had her talk about liking five but not remembering why. You go through all these emotions because of things the child doesn't even remember and then they wonder why the parents get defensive or over concerned about things - they may not remember but the parents sure do remember.

Just for a little challenge, you could also vary your point of view and have some stories from Buddy or Jeni's point of view using "I" or even "He" when talking from the dad's perspective.

Great start on putting yourself out there. Hope you get some constructive and positive comments.

I look forward to hearing more about Miss Sassy.

SWPoet
70
70
Review of Why and How Come?  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this. I think I like 4 the best too. It give variety to the eyes. Sort of like a 6 yo with a short attention span. It is so sweet and full of wonder. Thank you for sharing it. I can't remember if I sent you a rating yet so here goes. I just sent something to you on the lesson forum but wanted to make sure you got a rating too. Excellent work!

Not only was the subject matter perfectly appropriate for a young child but the rhyme and meter were also excellent.

Write On!
SW Poet

beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo

{}I did this member to member sig for the review in the message forum but I don't think that one{/i}
71
71
Review of Solitude  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a great example of how us parents spent time with kids trying sneak off and check email and then have them gone and spend a grown up night talking about the kids. We are a strange bunch, arent we.

I can't imagine all that time with the kids not here. I need a break but not that long. Wow, her composure and normality when she picked them up was kindest for them so they don't worry about her but it had to take some nerve. You did a good job of showing her emotional process throughout the lull in her life's schedule and role as a parent.

Great job, keep up the writing. I have enjoyed reading this.

SWPoet
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo
72
72
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What a message from heaven. I love Dani's message. This was sad but also tells us that we really do need people and resentment only hurts ourselves. It made me feel for Nina. I thought the line about the fact that others had no idea there was a "shift in the universe", which is no doubt exactly what someone would feel after learning that kind of news. I also liked the short paragraphs and the way everything moved us along to the next point. There were no facts left in that went on a tangent. Everything was there for a reason.

Great job!

SWPoet
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo
73
73
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I loved the momentum in this piece. Its like your groggy and drink a cup of coffee then observe the effects, slowly waking you up. Only the caffeine is really the momentum of creativity.

The comparison is really good. It gives credence the writer's need to write some every day whether we feel like it or not. We never know when our sleepy attempts start a wheel moving that ends up being a first rate piece.

When the muse is singing, sing out loud with her or else she might sit out the song.

I also like version 1 the best. The lines look much more uneven and distracting when centered. Anyway, with all the motion in the piece, you need a place to anchor your eyes or you would get dizzy. (I mean this in a positive light). It would be like being on a sit n spin going one way while the room moves the other. Good choice to do left align on that one.

My favorite part was at then end when you show you and the windmill with outstretched arms. Embracing your creativity, I think.

I enjoyed this very much. 5 for excellent comparison and momentum and for making me feel dizzy. I love poems that make me feel something.

SWPoet

beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo
74
74
Review of A Redemption  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
babyface,

I liked the message and noticed the rhyme scheme though it wasn't "in your face", very subtle. I like it that way. If I had any suggestion, it would be to continue to play with the words to eliminate a few unnecessary prose type words (not the vital ones) but maybe just tighten it up a bit. That is the only thing I can think of. I really liked it, especially the twist at the end-we do think that other are the ones who need salvation and redemption and that, maybe, we aren't worthy to receive it. But there are mysteries we are not privy to and perhaps the biggest one is that we all have something worth saving. Glad your angel had your back-sounds like you needed a few floating arouny you throughout your life (must have had some too, to get to this point).

Great job on the poetry. I have enjoyed this opportunity to read poetry with as much depth and emotion and you bring. I can only do so much pastoral observations-not my cup of tea.

Your work, however, is my job and interest and I have gained insight that will be valuable to me. Thanks again for sharing.

Write on,

SWPoet
75
75
Review of Hollow  Open in new Window.
Review by SWPoet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
So sad, yet well said. Unfortunately, the blame probably lies squarely with relative or lover who made you hold the guilt for what they did to you. Happens that way alot, don't you think. We think people won't love us if we show our flaws but maybe that is the only way people can let their own guard down and be vulnerable in return. Just have to find a person who won't take advantage of that vulnerability. Tough game out there finding folks to be with who won't deceive us back.

Very good work, (I would give it a five if I could have given Master's smile a 5.5. Terrific job with both, though.
99 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 4 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/branhr/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3