That was really great. Let me guess, he is a sociopath and at least verbally abusive partner. I have clients whose boyfriend/husbands are just like this. i love the line, Monster with a perfect lie.
It is so frustrating when my office (i work with foster kids and families) believes the man becuase he is cool, calm, reasonable and the woman is frantic, suspicious to downright paranoid, and looses her grip occasionally at the office (because everyone believes him). I could not have said it better if I tried.
Please check out my port in the folder called "social issues". Not to review (though you may if you like) but there may be some words there that might give you comfort, or ideas, or just let you know others can relate.
My only question would be in the first stanza, when you say Masters of illusion, THEY expand with ease, is THEY other people like this guy or are you talking about the guy himself. The rest of the stanzas say YOU rather than THEY. I may just be reading it wrong but that is the ONLY suggestion I have.
The whole piece is wonderfully said, pleasing to the eye and very accurate and to the point emotionally. Great job. Keep up the great work.
I like 3 and then 4 best. Despite having an English major, I had a hard time deciding if you use is or are after meat and potatoes because I think of them here as a single dish, not two different things. In version 3 and 4, is was out and it didn't matter. I like the rhythm better on 3 and 4 becuase you took a few words out here and there and it "sang" better.
I loved the part about the utinsils (and marriage).
You hit it all, sour, sweet, salt, knives, all are included in a good marriage (as long as there's balance). Great job. Fun, wasn't it?
The only part that I saw that seemed to slow the rhythm or pattern was this stanza:
Dessert lays patient
like the calm before
the storm as hungry
taste buds roar
close by their prey.
I think just a slight change in which line a word sits on would help
like:
Dessert lays patient
a calm before
the storm as hungry
taste buds roar
closing in on prey.
I think I took out your simile, sorry 'bout that but it sort of turned into a metaphor: Dessert;(is)a calm before the storm.
This all about rhythm, not content. Cool poem. Made me hungry.
Cubby,
I absolutely love this last stanza. I am at a close tie between 1 and 2-I like the shorter lines. It give a vertical illusion like a string from kite to flyer. Wow, I just really like those last few lines.
But mostly
what I need
is just to see
a lonely kite
demanding
to be free.
Great job on both poems. You certainly rose to the challenge. I know it's hard because, as I think about it, there are very few differences between irony, compare/contrast, and simile/metaphor. All in all, you are still comparing one thing to another. There is just that subtle difference that makes each unique (sort of like people-different, yet the same).
I'll be short this time. It was a scary thought. I will confess-when i saw fantasy on the title explanation, I thought it was a fantasy genre piece. Anyway, this was my last to read but not least. I just hope we have a chance to prove ourselves and maybe backlash from the current system will make our country Wake Up!. Well, very good work. I enjoyed them all. Didn't plan to do a port raid but I just kept enjoying your work and was curious to see more. Thank you for a thoughtful night of reading. I enjoyed every minute of it.
My favorite line:
The line about prostitutes being the ones in Washingon DC. I almost fear the gov. makes the military prostitutes. IE, we give you educ. fund and you give us your sanity, we give you structure and a career, you give us your chance of getting a job after you're out and have PTSD, we give you health insurance, and you give us your lives. I don't at all begrudge folks from entering the military, though it is buyer beware and the risks are in fine black ink. I just think they should come out with good, solid prospects for jobs, QUALITY mental and physical health care, good insurance, and some remaining sanity in knowing that they fought for a greater good (great than ....oil).
Anyway, your poetry does get me on my soapbox. I am so sorry. I usually don't write so much on a review. I loved the poem and I am so glad you got your dad talking about it.
My step dad was on C-130's based in Tan Son Nhut in during Vietnam but also was a 4 year old learning to count by watching bombs fall during the Nazi occupation of Holland (living in Gouda) during WWII (and he can talk about the latter, not the former). Go figure.
His middle son was in the Marines (luckily has a security job and insurance from that company) and youngest was in Air Force (both in and out between the two Gulf wars, luckily)but the youngest has problems after problems with having to have disc surgery at military hospitals and having it all screwed up-got more metal in his back than needed and he is only 37 yo.
well, again, sorry so long. Take care and hope you had a great Easter (if that is your tradition).
I have enjoyed your port. I will stop back by from time to time.
SWPoet (gps for putting up with my soapbox (and for great poetry).
I would love to read your bio. Your poetry has left me with questions. Are you Native American? or is Kentucky like Alabama where I live-everyone has some Cherokee or Creek or something like that in the bloodline. Anyway, your poem reminded me of the song ("One Tin Soldier")in the movie "Billy Jack" where all these Indians were killed because the "white man" thought they had gold under a rock on top of the mountain and all that was under the rock was a message "Peace on Earth" or something like that. Isn't it sad that people won't just try to see different folks as having the same wants, fears, needs, as anyone else and the color of their skin or where they came from does not make them less human.
I'm a social worker married to a republican car dealer (the proverbial foot in two different camps but my heart remains with the underdog and God forbid I ever lose that). Drives my husband crazy but I was almost 30 and just like this when he married me. No false advertisement here (though he's the same so I have no excuse either). Just goes to show you can love someone despite the differences.
Take care-sorry for the book I just wrote. It was over 1500 char. but I cut some. LOL.
You did a wonderful job and, if I thought I could make it better, I might have had a suggestion but It was just fine the way it was.
I like this, though I am wondering if it was just accrostic or if there is an additional rhyme scheme. I thought it was cool-haven't done these yet but I might try. The last four lines sound like ADHD (can relate) and were my favorites. The line for perception and aptitude seemed to be separate, like they also needed the short 3-5 word saying at the end rather than just four words on perception.
When I think of perception, I think of how we think we see one thing in someone and don't really try to figure them out because we "think we know them". We usually miss out getting to know someone b/c we perceive based on our own preconceived notions. Don't know how to put all that in 3-4 words, though.
A ptitude is attitude, if optimistic and aware
P erceptions, assumptions,truth missed if not a care
Just thoughts to ponder. Really, it was good as it was but those things, I think, would equal out the poem and raise the rating some. The rest-from T down-Perfect and I loved Aptitude is attitude-that is very true.
In my job, I am amazed at the amount of parents of children in the system who have, themselves, been molested. It never ceases to amaze me how far reaching and damaging sexual abuse can be, stretching many generations. It is a shame that if you have a finger cut off and loss of it will effect your work future, potential earnings lost can be calculated and awards given in court. However, there is no telling what kind of potential is squashed or diverted by this form of abuse and rarely does it even reach the courts (and if so, like you said, the kids are often blamed or discounted).
All I have to say is that your poem was well written and says what needs to be said. Write on, write it out, people need to hear your voice. Take care of yourself, you ARE worth being listened to!!!!.
There is a group on this site that you might be interested in. I will send a separate email with a contact name. Again, take care and keep up the great work.
I love it! I work at a state welfare agency. I think they could save a lot of money cutting out half the words in the policy change "packets" we get almost weekly. It's better than Ambien for sleep. That should tell me something. I don't want my writing to put people to sleep or make them crosseyed with confusion and boredom. Unfortunately, I see myself in some of those comments-like "due to the fact that" (more in my family summaries at work than my own writing but it is something to watch as gobblygoop could slip through).
Thank you so much for your excellent reminder to KISS (keep it simple, ...sillygoose)-my 6 yo says "stupid" is a baaad word. Your points were well made.
I love the way you and your family have an acceptance of the flow of life. It truly gives your daughters the permission to laugh, cry, and just be rather than developing hangups and fears of life and death. It is truly a gift to give your children balance and a sense of humor about life and death. I enjoyed reading this and I'm so glad your feelings about your mother's choices in life didn't cloud your sense of closing a life in a way that celebrated your mother's spirit, rather than her choices or behavior later in life. We really are more than our actions.
Thank you for sharing such an emotional series of moments.
Isn't that the truth. I love the part where you write
You won’t find anything
Worthless enough
Worth hiding for
That was the most profound part of the song. It amazes me that girls 100 lbs sopping wet are feeling fat and trying to hide everything from imaginary hips to sexual abuse to feeling dirty to feeling like the ugly duckling of the family, etc. So much of what they think is wrong with their body is really in their mind, not the body and no amount of bling is going to cover up what the mind won't change. This is a really good message and very true. Thank you for sharing.
See, Now that is a poem with music. Great job. Knew you could do it!. Write on!
My two year old (last child of two) is just like that. Wow, it gives me an appreciation of him as a unique human being. I had a dog first, loyal and loving and open and the second, a cat who, like you said so eloquently, his smile is a prize to be won, not lightly given. They are so different it is amazing that the same two parents raised the two children. Anyway, they are ours but they arent, are they. Sort of on loan to us to get them to 18 without them getting pregnant, doing major bodily harm to themselves or others and hopefully learning something about life in the process.
Reading your piece made me realize how grateful I am for this site. I know very few people who are into writing in my community, job, family but I can hop on this site and share my writing, read others and really get genuine feedback from people who know only what I write. Thank you for the wonderful writing and for reminding me to appreciate this opportunity.
Cudos to you!
I get that. Sometimes people can help another person to death, mainly to make themselves feel better. I guess we do need to examine our own motives before we stretch out a hand. That was a very good point you made. Keep up the writing. People need to hear what you are saying.
My only suggestion: Clarify these three lines (maybe add another that will tie them together)
While people had a lot to say
It took me awhile to discover
While I used my smile as a cover
I got the point of each line separately but wonder if it was missing a line that could help tie them together more.
I would love to know more, such as what happened when you started talking to his friend. You touched on it but I wondered if you upset the boyfriend by talking to his friend, ?? Anyway, I like it-just would love to hear more. It might enhance the work by clarifying but it's good as it is too.
Great job.
SWPoet
Wow, didn't expect that ending. I smiled though. Good for Anthony to find a connection before he left the world. We should all be so lucky. I like your ending (sad as it was). Other than needing to do a spell check and to check for correctly spelled words that might have typos (wall instead of will, etc) , you did a great job. Way to go!
I liked the last part where you said you have a lot to show the world And yourself. Good point at the end. I would give a 5 to the sentiment and the meaning of what you wrote. There were a few words that were either typos or maybe I was just a bit confused. The indented parts are your lines.
Grind to my wheels stop
Did you mean grind until my wheels stop or grind my wheels to a stop. A little confused there.
That she know wasn't going to last
Did you mean Knew or Know? Tense was unclear.
Who has continued to be hold
Did you mean behold?
Othere than these three lines, I had no problem with the poem. You have a true gift of getting to the point and saying what you feel. You have guts. I appreciate that. You represent yourself well.
Keep up the great work.
SWPoet
I think you have a point there. As adults, we forget that kids and teens have a right not to talk or let us in, especially if they think we are looking down on them. I appreciate what you are saying.
On the technical side, I didn't seen anything wrong with the poem. Good job.
I will think of your poem when I have to talk with teens in my caseload at work.
Thank you for the great insight. Keep up the writing. You're doing great.
Sometimes folks just don't want to face what the might know to be true (what you have pointed out). I have found that being a squeaky wheel or speaking the truth makes others uncomfortable ...But that is their problem, not yours. Keep up the good work. You speak the truth and that isn't easy to say or hear but even harder to keep inside (not to mention being bad for you to keep it in). Let it out, speak your mind. You do a great job with the poetry.
I could tell by your writing that you are far more than what people can see with their eyes, although those things are what makes us different from the masses and should be treasured. Cudo's to you for knowing who you are, thought. Most adults are still trying to figure that out. Great job. No typos either. No comments or suggestions. I like it the way it is.
I would like to know more about what makes you tick, though (the things people can't see). It might enhance a poem if you were to do another similar one. I like this like it is, too.
SWPoet
I like this very much. Only thing I noticed was that the line, Your my teacher should be You're (you are). Otherwise love the message you made your point with beauty and grace but directly said what you meant also. Great job. I can tell we will do well together on the buddy network. My work is similar in that I value the message more than the rhyme scheme. I look forward to working with you.
That was amazing. You are 17? Wow. I am a social worker who works with abused children. I could picture the scene so well and see this so often. I wouldn't change a thing. Appearances are rarely everything. Parents try so hard to look like the "perfect parent" and while we as social workers know this, we can rarely do anything about it unless someone sees the bruises. Whatever your experience is with this, keep up the good work. At least, it is great therapy, at most you can be a real inspiration to others.
Keep writing!! You are doing GREAT!
I have read the reviews you spotlighted in your Guidelines to Great Reviewing. I had to read this afterwards. It may have been fantasy genre, and I don't read that genre much, but what I saw was a character sketch of America and a deeply poetic prose about the loss of a way of life and the fear of what replaces it.
I liked your example of how the people were now doing what the magic used to do such as cutting the wood themselves. Now, the machines are doing that and our youth are bored and filling the void with things not so desirable and meanwhile, we all look for "magic" to get things done that we used to toil over so now we grownups are trying to fill our own voids.
I see that you took the typo suggestions to heart as I missed them completely. I think you did a great job. My only suggestion is that, if the old druid were talking to a child who was asking about where his magic went and about the old days, he could tell the child and it would make this a conversation-sort of like a great grandchild on the lap of his great grand father asking how it was when he was young.
I really like this. You are right. I liked the line: Avoid relief and carbonated calm and the last two also. I also think that we don't have to suffer to write, we just have to be open and observant of others' sufferings and not be afraid to feel what we think they feel. If you don't feel when you write, how is the reader to feel when they read. Anyway, I really liked it. Good job!
Keep on Writin',
SWpoet
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