Interesting poem! It starts out rather dark and in one meter form (more or less). It then begins to lighten a bit and the lines really change in length and rhythm.
The ending was entirely unexpected. After all the gloom and rather spiritual speculation on what you want and where to go, you come around suddenly to a rather bright, warm, and tangible last line.
Cute little story with a nice twist at the end. Since it's a contest entry I'm not sure if you had a word limit or not. I would have loved to see you introduce your narrator a bit more and make it clearer that she is essentially talking to the reader about something that happened to her. You can get it from the context, but it would be more effective to make that a bit clearer.
I liked the little twist at the end and the humorous tag line.
I saw your comment concerning tiger beetles and had to come check out your portfolio. I like the start to your journal. I'll make sure and keep up!
You do a nice job of noting how we need to save us from ourselves. In my observation that is definitely true. My further observation is that, given our love of incremental change rather than real paradigm shift, and given that we have only have 800 million years left, we better get on this! After all, if you assume a 4 billion year old earth, we've already burned through 80% of our estimated clock!
I really liked and identified with your narrator in this story. You really capture the essence of a conscientious person trapped in a job they really dislike. They would love to just drop it and go home, but they are too ethical and recognize the need to work.
I like the way you talk about the downside of this; the slobber and stink and mess of working with dogs, without over doing it. It hits squarely in that reality zone that makes the story real. I suppose it could be said that this piece lacks the classic short story resolution of the conflict, but I liked the way it feels real. Most of life doesn't resolve in a dramatic moment, it sort of piddles its way to an unsatisfying conclusion.
I could see this as a vignette from a larger work as well as a story.
Your poem is very evocative. I'm of an age and sufficiently rural background to remember the switch. I like the way you work the entire process into this poem: selection of the branch, removing the leaves, and then applying it to the naughty backside. Likening it to the bees looking for honey and stinging when they can't find it is a clever metaphor.
I found this little story rather entertaining. Oddly, the part I especially liked was the way your narrator allows herself to overbuy various items at Krogers. I think we've all been there. Deals that are just too good to be true and before we know it, we're eating peaches for a month!
The main event is almost incidental. You handle it like a little hiccup on the way to making the preserves.
I am usually not drawn to fantasy, but this was really a fun story! I liked the universality of the problem you describe, of two sworn enemies inescapably drawn to each other. You avoid making this into one of those happily ever after stories and keep the inherent conflict to the end. You don't stoop to any easy moralizing, you allow a weird situation to be weird. You don't shy away from looking at how this might simply have been useful to the parties, but allow feelings to creep in.
You made what could have been trite or silly into a very engaging story with lots of little surprises in the direction you took it. I liked it a lot.
I really enjoyed this story. I think in part because I have twin granddaughters who are just reaching this age. They got their first sleeping bags for Christmas this year.
I like the way you captured the child's sense of time and the impatience to get things rolling. I also loved the issues with homophonic wording. That is so perfectly kid like and mistakes in that area can really linger on. When I was five, I asked my father what pride meant, as in "land of the pilgrims pride". Dad interpreted this as pried and told me it meant sticking your nose in other peoples business. I think I was nearly 12 before I stopped thinking of the Pilgrims as especially nosy people.
I hope you get out and spend more outdoor time with Sydney!
I enjoyed the story! As an Arizona kid, wild burros were always a part of the landscape, especially up around Wickenburg.
I liked the set up for the story. I've both been and observed that outsider kid who couldn't quite fit in. I also noticed how Scout Troops tend to have their own cliques and inherent pecking order based on skill, social ability etc. It's a hard system to buck and your story shows that.
I've not been on the Stanislaus, but I liked the way you captured how riparian corridors can be a wilderness, even when surrounded by suburbia or agriculture. I spend most of my time on rivers here. I actually run a river protection organization focusing on the Brazos as a hobby in my pseudo-retirement.
If I were going to suggest anything, it might be to shrink the front end a tad, and amplify the on the river action. I saw the wrapping of the line between tubes, with two feuding scouts on them as ripe for a bit of comedic action!
I really enjoyed this poem. I found the rhythm to be very compelling and appropriate for the subject matter. It is a touch mournful, but not grim and doesn't fall into the trap of rollicking along about somber thoughts.
I love classical references, and your use of hamadryads and dryads is apt and well chosen for this subject matter. Your word choices are very professional and never forced.
I've read all of the poems in your portfolio and can make that comment about professional, unforced word choice general.
I liked this story, told from the cat's perspective! I am a cat fan and currently have a five-year old formerly feral dude named Bramble. He was born in my backyard under a canoe, and trapped by me at five weeks.
I enjoy the perspective you bring to Ethan's settling in and learning the house. It was nicely real, at least in my observation.
This piece is spare and reads like a chapter outline. You could easily do a beautiful essay on each of your paragraphs in this.
What it does a great job on is in reminding us that Africa is a lot more than a giant wildlife park. I appreciated your focus on the cultural and historic aspects of the continent, as well as the ecological aspects. Nicely chosen topic heads!
One thing you might consider adding is that it is also becoming a destination for outdoor sports enthusiasts. Long distance trekking, mountain climbing, and whitewater river running are all gaining international recognition.
I loved this story! It has so many classic southern tropes, but makes them all relevant to your story line. I found I had a sort of instant respect for the narrator and their observational skills and sardonic sense of humor. It had just the right edge., without going off into bitter. I think that was very realistic.
In addition to the action, using your narrator to describe the setting and situation was a great device. Rather than just describing it, she observes it and makes it relevant to the people and activities going on.
How you let the action escalate, but prevent it from getting out of hand I thought was very true to stressful family situations. The underlying closeness, even if the civility is somewhat artificial, holds things together.
I really enjoyed your story! It sounds like quite an adventure and one you would be lucky to get away from.
I loved the part about the Hello Kitty toy! A few years ago I was stopped at a rest stop in North Carolina when a swarm of rough looking guys on Harleys puled in. I usually don't have any trouble with these folks but I got wary and prepared to leave. While I was walking past them one of them opened his saddlebag and took out a tiny silver-gray Pomeranian. When I asked about it, he said she was six and had ridden with him over every major mountain pass in the US. Her name was Tilly. We had a nice talk and then they all loaded backup. Tilly hopped back into her saddlebag.
First, I learned something from this story. I knew the term scuttlebutt and it's origin, but had no idea that this event was part of Sea Scout Regattas. I had to go and look at a couple of videos of Scouts doing this as a time event to get the full flavor of the activity.
I thought the mix of background and action was really good for this story. You explain who the participants are and why, what the activity is and why it's relevant to Sea Scouts, and the nature of the incorporated prank. Having watched the video, I would have loved to have a bit more of a blow-by-blow of the actual assembling of the hoist and the lifting of the scuttlebutt. You have a knack for descriptive comedy and I think it would have been hilarious!
The prank itself is very Boy Scout and took me back to my scouting days in northern New Mexico- where we had nothing like Sea Scouts, but did have an Explorer Post that focused on river running. The gentle pranks were a part of many of our activities and fondly remembered.
Over all, this is an entertaining and informative story!
Harsh! I think some folks take these little matters too seriously! I liked the story idea. I've been grappling with the physical realities of it and trying to visualize where Bob is in all this and how he's kept there without the use of his hands. Also I am struggling with how he got there without Natasha being aware of his presence.
I like this poem as pure observation. I have no idea how old you are, but I can tell you, by the time you get out here close to 70, this observation becomes both more accurate, and more of an accepted fact of life.
It is definitely more convenient to give up the revolution (except for weekends and evenings) and make a quiet little place for yourself where you are reasonably compensated for your labors. Dreams die slowly though. Who knows?
Generally, I like your story and thought it was nicely done. I like the dialog. It is nicely real, like a mother and son would be. I also liked the simple and straight forward allegory of the robin and the rose.
I would have liked to have a tad of explanation as to what Katy is going through to provide a bit more background for her introspection. It's nice to have a bit more why.
I am a bit odd about nature vignettes and like them to work with reality. The nestling robin in the fall is a bit asynchronous. Generally robin hatch in spring or occasionally mid summer if they re-nest or double brood. The objective is to get those babies in shape for fall migration. I'd switch the timing to match the bird; but that's just me.
As someone who has bicycle commuted in cold weather, I found this very evocative. In my time it was all before the advent of cable weathermen, and resulted in frostbitten ears.
I liked the rhythm of the poem and the inclusion of details that evoke feeling. The fog and water spots on glasses, the infamous tire stripe up your back, and the persistence of ice water seeking to penetrate your wet weather gear.
Not much of an issue in the Houston area, but your poem really brought back memories.
!
I really enjoyed "Oceans". It is free verse, but with a definite rhythm that it seems to take from its subject.
I like the way you add the writer into the subject, without making it to literal. I also enjoyed how you use the action and attributes of the subject and how it affects other entities to convey a feeling of the subject. It's much more engaging than a simple recitation of what an ocean is.
I can definitely see where you're coming from wit this piece. I can especially relate to the part about the visual challenges of exiting a hammock. My need for bifocals or progressives doesn't allow me to focus immediately, especially below me.
I do however, see some utility in the hammock. As a still fairly active backpacker, I like the weight reduction over a tent. I also like the absence of hard ground under me- if you decide to go after that, I'm entirely with you. I have noticed that the youth in the wilderness have taken to the hammocks and I am convinced that most of them will take a bit of time to teach me the finer points of suspended sleeping, if I dare to go there. We shall see!
I enjoyed reading your poem. I thought it captured quite nicely the reality of real friendship. True friends recognize when we are wrong, could do better, or need help. They are fearless about pointing it out, but unfailing supportive as we struggle to improve. You also capture that feeling from our own side, when we don't immediately appreciate that candor, but ultimately understand where it coming from. We appreciate the truth of the observation and the love behind it.
I really enjoyed this poem, partly because it is so relatable to would-be writers and partly because of the funny analogy in the final stanza. You tell an interesting little story that is actually quite thought provoking. What is inspiration, and why does it so frequently only strike once? At my age, I find I often wonder if I've already done everything worth doing, and am simply marking time for my own amusement.
I'd say you clearly have good observational skills and something to say.
This is nicely written. I like the dialog and the premise of terrorists sabotaging a nuclear power plant. The idea that eco-terrorists would do this is a bit of a stretch. As Chernobyl and Fukushima have demonstrated, this is not something to trivialize or do just to make a point. The injury is effectively permanent.
Still, very nicely done, and what do I know about terrorists?
Brazos54
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