This piece is spare and reads like a chapter outline. You could easily do a beautiful essay on each of your paragraphs in this.
What it does a great job on is in reminding us that Africa is a lot more than a giant wildlife park. I appreciated your focus on the cultural and historic aspects of the continent, as well as the ecological aspects. Nicely chosen topic heads!
One thing you might consider adding is that it is also becoming a destination for outdoor sports enthusiasts. Long distance trekking, mountain climbing, and whitewater river running are all gaining international recognition.
I loved this story! It has so many classic southern tropes, but makes them all relevant to your story line. I found I had a sort of instant respect for the narrator and their observational skills and sardonic sense of humor. It had just the right edge., without going off into bitter. I think that was very realistic.
In addition to the action, using your narrator to describe the setting and situation was a great device. Rather than just describing it, she observes it and makes it relevant to the people and activities going on.
How you let the action escalate, but prevent it from getting out of hand I thought was very true to stressful family situations. The underlying closeness, even if the civility is somewhat artificial, holds things together.
I really enjoyed your story! It sounds like quite an adventure and one you would be lucky to get away from.
I loved the part about the Hello Kitty toy! A few years ago I was stopped at a rest stop in North Carolina when a swarm of rough looking guys on Harleys puled in. I usually don't have any trouble with these folks but I got wary and prepared to leave. While I was walking past them one of them opened his saddlebag and took out a tiny silver-gray Pomeranian. When I asked about it, he said she was six and had ridden with him over every major mountain pass in the US. Her name was Tilly. We had a nice talk and then they all loaded backup. Tilly hopped back into her saddlebag.
First, I learned something from this story. I knew the term scuttlebutt and it's origin, but had no idea that this event was part of Sea Scout Regattas. I had to go and look at a couple of videos of Scouts doing this as a time event to get the full flavor of the activity.
I thought the mix of background and action was really good for this story. You explain who the participants are and why, what the activity is and why it's relevant to Sea Scouts, and the nature of the incorporated prank. Having watched the video, I would have loved to have a bit more of a blow-by-blow of the actual assembling of the hoist and the lifting of the scuttlebutt. You have a knack for descriptive comedy and I think it would have been hilarious!
The prank itself is very Boy Scout and took me back to my scouting days in northern New Mexico- where we had nothing like Sea Scouts, but did have an Explorer Post that focused on river running. The gentle pranks were a part of many of our activities and fondly remembered.
Over all, this is an entertaining and informative story!
Harsh! I think some folks take these little matters too seriously! I liked the story idea. I've been grappling with the physical realities of it and trying to visualize where Bob is in all this and how he's kept there without the use of his hands. Also I am struggling with how he got there without Natasha being aware of his presence.
I like this poem as pure observation. I have no idea how old you are, but I can tell you, by the time you get out here close to 70, this observation becomes both more accurate, and more of an accepted fact of life.
It is definitely more convenient to give up the revolution (except for weekends and evenings) and make a quiet little place for yourself where you are reasonably compensated for your labors. Dreams die slowly though. Who knows?
Generally, I like your story and thought it was nicely done. I like the dialog. It is nicely real, like a mother and son would be. I also liked the simple and straight forward allegory of the robin and the rose.
I would have liked to have a tad of explanation as to what Katy is going through to provide a bit more background for her introspection. It's nice to have a bit more why.
I am a bit odd about nature vignettes and like them to work with reality. The nestling robin in the fall is a bit asynchronous. Generally robin hatch in spring or occasionally mid summer if they re-nest or double brood. The objective is to get those babies in shape for fall migration. I'd switch the timing to match the bird; but that's just me.
As someone who has bicycle commuted in cold weather, I found this very evocative. In my time it was all before the advent of cable weathermen, and resulted in frostbitten ears.
I liked the rhythm of the poem and the inclusion of details that evoke feeling. The fog and water spots on glasses, the infamous tire stripe up your back, and the persistence of ice water seeking to penetrate your wet weather gear.
Not much of an issue in the Houston area, but your poem really brought back memories.
!
I really enjoyed "Oceans". It is free verse, but with a definite rhythm that it seems to take from its subject.
I like the way you add the writer into the subject, without making it to literal. I also enjoyed how you use the action and attributes of the subject and how it affects other entities to convey a feeling of the subject. It's much more engaging than a simple recitation of what an ocean is.
I enjoyed reading your poem. I thought it captured quite nicely the reality of real friendship. True friends recognize when we are wrong, could do better, or need help. They are fearless about pointing it out, but unfailing supportive as we struggle to improve. You also capture that feeling from our own side, when we don't immediately appreciate that candor, but ultimately understand where it coming from. We appreciate the truth of the observation and the love behind it.
I really enjoyed this poem, partly because it is so relatable to would-be writers and partly because of the funny analogy in the final stanza. You tell an interesting little story that is actually quite thought provoking. What is inspiration, and why does it so frequently only strike once? At my age, I find I often wonder if I've already done everything worth doing, and am simply marking time for my own amusement.
I'd say you clearly have good observational skills and something to say.
This is nicely written. I like the dialog and the premise of terrorists sabotaging a nuclear power plant. The idea that eco-terrorists would do this is a bit of a stretch. As Chernobyl and Fukushima have demonstrated, this is not something to trivialize or do just to make a point. The injury is effectively permanent.
Still, very nicely done, and what do I know about terrorists?
First, I really liked the first part of your story. I thought you really captured the backpacking experience for the inexperienced. Having been on both ends of that equation, I thought the interplay between Damien, Mark and Jason was very well done.
I had a bit more trouble with the climactic events. Owls? Generally pretty benign creatures and far too small to seriously damage humans. Tired though Damien was, how could all that carnage be inflicted without some shriek waking him?
If I suspend my owl issue, I liked the part about his fleeing for the car. The stumbling and falling down the mountain side was nicely written. Damien should have whacked the owl on it's wing with the random bone, not the arm.
When Damien escapes, he just sort of goes to the ER for a quick patch up and then home. Why does he not contact the authorities (sheriff, police, forest service National Audubon Society)?
All-in-all, a nice story with a lot of potential! It just, in my opinion, needs to be a bit closer to real, or entirely off in the realm fantasy.
I enjoyed this bit of dialog. You capture quite nicely that mild tension that arises when a partner has withheld something from another partner, probably in hopes of avoiding precisely the scene that develops here.
You do a great job with the gradual escalation of intensity and the way you resolve it allows your reader to intuitively figure out the dynamics of the relationship between the parties.
The only criticism I would make is that your punctuation doesn't always match the sentence. Minor point.
First, I enjoyed your story. I thought the structure and rhythm of the writing was very nicely done.
I thought that the actual analogy in this piece seemed to be more human:calendar than calendar:mayfly. The mayfly was almost a superfluity in this piece.
I prefer my analogies and allusion to nature to be fairly true to life (personal preference, as a result of many years as a field biologist). The idea that a mayfly lives for a day is not particular accurate, since they have a long and happy life prior to emergence, as aquatic nymphs, contentedly grazing algae and detritus. They also seldom emerge into the sunlight, but rather tend to emerge from dusk to full dark, increasing the odds of surviving to breed. In the sunlight, they tend to hide in unobtrusive locations and hope to avoid birds, fish and other predators.
To analogize with a calendar, I might have chosen a bit of non-living ephemera, like a tea bag.
In any case, I enjoyed reading your work. Technically, it was great. My idiosyncratic quirks probably only affect me.
Brazos54
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/brazos54/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 10:19am on Jul 03, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
