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245 Public Reviews Given
245 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Asking questions that may help you develop and expand your story. Inconsistencies tend to jump out at me and I will point out any I see.
Public Reviews
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Review of Summertime  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

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This is also one of my favorite Gershwin compositions. I'm not sure what I admire more, the skill with which Gershwin wrote it, or the poetry of DuBose Heyward. It would be hard to pick just one, but this would be well in the top ten. Thank you for including the Ella and Satchmo recording. That was a special treat.

It's bittersweet that this song is associated with sadness, but it still brings back happy memories of your daughter. Thank you for sharing these memories with us.

I didn't see any errors. The piece was well written, and its somber tone fits both the subject and tune well.


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In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

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This is very good advice, and something we should all strive for: smiling, not letting the thoughts in our mind overtake us, and controlling our actions, not letting ourselves be forced into acting on impulse, are important things that will foster greater self-happiness. More of us need to practice these three simple steps.

Your essay is well written; I did not see any spelling or grammatical errors. It's well organized and follows the essay form well.


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In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeP*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*
I see today is your Account Anniversary, so I took some time to glance through your Portfolio, and found this short story. I'm a history buff, and like reading about George Washington, so this seemed like a great piece to read.

I had a little bit of difficulty, you have this posted as a link, when I clicked on the link, only a partial view of the text was visible. I found a work around by selecting the text (crtl-A), and pasting it into a Word Doc. I'm not sure why this is posted as a link, rather than as a straight text. Unfortunately, because of this, you might be limiting your readership.

This was an interesting read, a historical fiction, which is a sub-genre I enjoy. You placed a fictional character in a historical setting, and shared a great piece of history.

The writhing is a bit difficult to follow, the paragraphs seem to jump through time a bit. You start us off in one place, travel somewhere else, before returning to add detail to the first place. For example the first two paragraphs seem to be in the stories present, then the third paragraph jumps into Washington's past. Then we return to the present in the fifth paragraph, before jumping into the past again. I had to reread sections to find my place in the story.

I didn't see any major grammatical errors that detracted from my reading.

There is a doubled word:

Mixed with Poitou, Catalonian, Majorcan and a couple of other other fine donkeys,

And this mistype:

Washington's plantation still breeds mares and proutstanding animals.

Nonetheless, I enjoyed the tale of Washington's Mules!!


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Review of QUIRKS WORDSEARCH  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*
Hi, I found your word search puzzle when I visited you port to celebrate your WdC Anniversary!

This was an interesting choice of words, I see that your title was quirkiness, so maybe rather than call them interesting, we can call them quirky choices. I'm still not sure how the words are related, but I did like the fact that you varied the sizes of the words, it made the puzzle interesting to solve.

I didn't see any spelling errors. One thing to note: you can leave spaces between words WdC magic takes them out automatically.
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Review of Wanya's Day  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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Oh my, a Forest Elf with attitude and the tools to back it up! This is a great little flash fiction that I wish were longer. It has great descriptions, sets a wonderful scene, and develops the main character quickly.

You use phrases that show me:

Wanya squinted and shaded her eyes with her right hand. - It's daytime, and very sunny.
Underneath the brim of her hat, beads of perspiration were trickling down Wanya's brow. - It's hot.
nose tilted up to hopefully sniff for fresh air, - Like most cities, the air is at least slightly polluted.
... she looked the creature dead in the eye ... - She's fearless.
Even the orcoid was staring at it with wide eyes, seemingly forgetting to appear intimidating at all. - Whatever it is, it must be a thing of power.

All of these phrases told me important things without being a pure information dump.

I didn't see any mechanical errors that detracted from the telling of your tale. The only real negative is that it's too short and not finished! I would love to read more of
'Wanya's Journey'.

Thank you for sharing this with us, and Happy Account Anniversary!!


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In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

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A story with a very unexpected twist. I won't talk about it so that I don't provide any spoilers. Let me just say it was completely unexpected.

The story was well-paced, and I didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors that detracted from my reading.

I really enjoyed your descriptive language and the choices you made to suggest colors. Such as: "eyes reminiscent of warm golden brandy,", presents a wonderful image.

Thank you for sharing this story.


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In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeP*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*
 
I found this poem while visiting your portfolio to celebrate your WdC account Anniversary.

This poem captures the first breaths of spring quite well, and I enjoy it as much as you seem to.

An interesting thing I noticed is that you've chosen to write it as one very long sentence, with the sole punctuation being the period at the end of the last line. In my mind, I read that way, without any breaks or breaths.

My favorite line was" bright roses peep from prickly bushes, which in many ways sums up Spring, Earth's rebirth amid stormy days.

Thank You!


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In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Okay, I do crossword puzzles in the bathroom, quick, easy ones, not the NY Times. Just something to stimulate my mind a bit, and kill some of the time. It's never dawned on me to take a laptop in there and to try writing. I think if I did write in the bathroom, I'd go more the notebook route.

I found your story while looking through members celebrating WdC Anniversaries today. So, Happy Anniversary!!

Your flash fiction is presented as an internal monologue by an aspiring author. A useful tool is to separate internal thoughts from actual spoken lines by setting the thoughts in italics and spoken lines in normal font. Another suggestion is to help readability by inserting a space between paragraphs.

I didn't come across any grammatical or spelling errors that detracted from reading your tale. In a few places, you used a dash to separate clauses; the only note is that the way you used them is inconsistent. Sometimes there were spaces on both sides of the dash, in others, only on one side.

This is an interesting writing choice and experiment, one that I think has room to continue and develop. Hopefully, you revisit this piece and flesh it out. I'd look forward to that!
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Review of Woven in the Dark  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a wonderful start. I wish you'd come back and add some more to the tale. When I started reading it, it almost felt like a parable about current events.

This line, "
Every day, more lives are swallowed by a madness none of us can truly grasp, all at the whim of a man who fears death more than anything." , could be true in real life today.

The only thing that gave me pause was the struggle to keep all the names straight. I realize this is intended to be a prologue, but you've introduced many different characters without defining who they all are.

You could try something like this, assuming Cass is Mirabelle's husband/lover:

Cass dismisses my fears, as always. He (My husband) tells me I’m overreacting,

Perhaps you could use little tricks like that to define the other characters?

I don't see any errors that detract from your prologue, and it does the job of making me want more. You are building an interesting world. I hope you come back and finish it, and share it with us!
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Review of Rose Lips  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I enjoy time spent in my garden, so your "Rose Lips" poem touched me. I enjoyed reading it even though it's bleak midwinter here, and I won't be in my garden for several months.

I liked the imagery you invoked, the soft silkiness of the rose petals, the bees busy visiting them, the gentle scents wafting on the summer breeze. They all served to transport me to Spring and the joy of planting and tending my slice of heaven.

There were a few places that caused me to stumble a bit as I read your poem:

Brights colors - in my mind, only one of these words should be plural.

Blooms, bulbs in my yard - if we're talking about roses, then bulbs are out of place here. However, by possibly changing the phrase, it might add to your picture - "Blooms, bursting from bulbs in my yard" - perhaps something like that.

Thorns stemmed - this stopped me cold, thorns can't be stemmed, but stems can be thorned.

Yet, those things didn't detract from the flowery beauty of your poem. Thank you for sharing it!

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Review of STORY OF ALIENS  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Never judge a book by its cover. That could easily be the moral of this story. I won't comment further on that point for fear of giving too much away.

I enjoyed your short fiction; it had a good pace and kept my attention. There are some minor spelling errors (dispare s/b despair).

There were some points, like this one:

Hooks ripped through the far wall to pull a section out in a spherical shape.

That gave me pause. They were in space, wouldn't removing a section of hull cause a vacuum to form?

This section of running dialog also gave me pause:

“I’m just saying it’s not easy getting through there (s/b their) security when they make it more complex every time we rescue something.”

“I think we should be paid more. Especially If one of us is injured.”

“Yah, but if it wasn’t for us,
phycos (s/b psychos) like those guys will keep illegally experimenting on innocent people.”

“Here’s an Idea(,)
(Idea doesn't need capitalization) how about YOU ALL SHUT UP SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP!”

I had to stop and think about who was speaking. Are there three Dino-aliens? More? Another thought that crossed my mind was that the Dinos had just rescued someone from the Grays. Would they really be napping, or would they be on full alert?

Overall, I enjoyed your story and its concept. I think you might want to revisit it, add some polish, check spellings to make it an even better read.


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Review of Stay to Say  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I found your poem by clicking the "Read A Newbie" section in the right-hand menu. So welcome to Writing.com, I hope you find a writing home here!

Your poem has a tone that evokes a sad longing, a person wants to share their thoughts with someone, yet can't find the words or ways to do that.

It has a staggered rhyme scheme that I found disconcerting, which isn't a bad thing, since that may have been your intention. Using the rhyme scheme to evoke tension and emotion is clever.

Upon reading your poem, I hope you do stay and share more with us. I think you have much to say!


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In affiliation with Ninja Monkey Headquarters  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a free-verse poem using an indefinite rhythmic scheme. An interesting aspect is that it uses only pauses in the form of commas and a single semicolon, and no full stops (periods). I mention that not in passing, but because it definitely positively affected the feel and flow of the poem. Even at the end of the verse, the lack of a period seemed to indicate that the thoughts lingered, unfinished.

The prompt for the poem required the use of eight specific words; these words were woven into the poem's fabric in an unforced, well-utilized manner. They painted a hauntingly sad and very descriptive image.

but the dust of romance still remains,
like a token, a remnant,
a broken shard of mirror

It's hard to select a favorite line from the many well-turned phrases in your offering, but the one above touched my heart.

I noticed no mechanical errors at all, and certainly none that detracted from the poem. Thank You for sharing your work with us.


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In affiliation with Ninja Monkey Headquarters  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Honestly, I usually avoid polls, but this one sounded interesting. I enjoy quotes and wanted to see what it was about. I recognized two of the quotes, and I've used the confused parents once or a million times myself. I've never heard the black cat quote, so now you've given me a Google task.

The setup of the poll was pretty straightforward and easy to understand. There were no errors or distractions!
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In affiliation with Ninja Monkey Headquarters  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, that was fun! Thank you for creating this wonderful puzzle! I enjoyed doing it. The word choices were great and really reflected your theme. I didn't notice anything wrong. Thanks again!!
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Review of The Gardener  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Ninja Monkey Headquarters  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
The Garden is a symbol of one's psyche. Brilliantly written and presented. I usually shy away from long-form poetry, but this held my attention from beginning to end. Her slow realization that her continued grudge was killing them both should serve as a warning to all those who hold grudges.


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Review of Grumpy Leprechaun  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good Day, ta ya; Grumpy is finally getting around to judging his poetry contest. First, he wants to thank you for entering.

I am happy to see you chose the Acrostic form. Grumpy is especially fond of this form, though he finds it challenging to write them.

Grumpy also noted that each of your couplets rhymed, even though the form doesn't call for them to.

He tried hard but couldn't find any spellin' or grandma grammar errors. Good Job!!

The rhyme scheme flowed quite well, though Grumpy does have one suggestion:

In this line;

Pint of ale clutched tight, a beard of tangled shamrocks,

shamrocks – gawkes is a little forced.

Perhaps,

Pint of ale clutched tight, beard with tangled shamrock stalks,

Again, thank you for your entry; Grumpy enjoyed it!!




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Review of Hanky Panky  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A cute little flash fiction that packs quite a bit of story into a small space. I was over on the review reward page. I don't visit there enough, and the title of this caught my eye. Hanky Panky has so many connotations, some funny, think the Three Stooges type comedy. Sometimes its meaning is more on the naughty side.

Two people on a road trip stop in a very small town, find a small motel, and settle in for the night. Then, the adventure starts with the drop of a quarter. A bit of comedy ensues between the occupants of the room and the hotel clerk.

Some flirtation and then this marvelous line;

We tried to keep the noise down the rest of the night, so we wouldn’t disturb management.

A purposely ambiguous statement that lets the reader's imagination take over the story.

Well done! I think there might have been Hanky Panky indeed!


Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!
Signiture Item...I'm only the trombone player!{/i}


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Perfect-quality writing is very rare. It is easy to see that you choose not to be parsimonious with the quantity of Ps & Qs that were pitched quite effectively on your page, qualifying positively your quest to entertain WdC.

Posting quotes from your poetic quarrel is not only potentially quirky but could lead to practical quintessential difficulties.

I did need to put to query your use of the phrase, "i'm Puddled,", thinking at first it might be patois quotidian in a given particular quarter. However, this probe and question into deeper hidden meaning proved quite positively a quagmire of too much information.

As always, it is my quixotic prayer that you continue to put quill to papyrus.

I will continue to peek perpetually for more of your quicksilver quips.

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!{/center}


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you very much for inviting me to read, and offer some suggestions for your essay, “"Doc's Scuttlebutt CapOpen in new Window.

Overall, I enjoyed reading about your time as a Sea Scout, it sounds like it was a very worthwhile experience. The essay held my interest and propelled me into the fun antics that sometimes occurred.

Structurally, the essay was well put together, easy to understand, and made its points well.

There are a few mechanical issues I saw;

The sentence structure for the most part is quite long, which slows the reader down. This affects the pace, and readability. I think more periods and fewer commas might help.

I.E. “In the halcyon days of my youth, I was in the Sea Explorers - BSA, often called Sea Scouts, (so, yes, we had sea scouts in the caveman days!) Back in the mid-1960’s the Commander of a 65-foot former aircraft rescue boat, the SES Tuolumne, out of Modesto, California, was Doc Van-Valen, a local Podiatrist.”

Perhaps;

In the halcyon days of my youth, I was in the Sea Explorers. An offshoot of the Boy Scouts of America, often called Sea Scouts. So, yes, we had sea scouts in the caveman days!

In the mid-sixties we sailed on a 65-foot former aircraft rescue boat, The SES Tuolume, porting out of Modesto, California. The vessel was commanded by Doc Van-Valen, a local Podiatrist.

I spelled out the BSA acronym, some overseas readers won't know what you meant.

Shortening your sentences will increase the reader's pace, making it a more enjoyable read.

“One spring, for an (up-coming) Scout-o-Rama”

“up-coming” is usually one word — upcoming

Be on the lookout for unneeded filler words;

“(As) A filled scuttlebutt is quite heavy, the ship's crew and a crew on the dock would work together to hoist one safely aboard.”

One word, in particular, is then, it started sentences five times, reread those sentences. Does then have to be there? Will the sentence work without it?

"Then the crew lowers the barrel, trying not to lose points through spilling any water, tilts the tripod over to the ground, removes the lashings, disassembles the block and tackle and rushes back into formation, then "Time" is called. Many crews can complete this task in two minutes or less; seemingly with sheer, controlled, silent chaos!"

(Then) the crew lowers the barrel. Trying not to lose points (through) by spilling any water. Tilting the tripod back over the ground, removing the lashings. Finally disassembles the block and tackle before rushing back into formation. At that point, "Time" is called, many crews can complete this task in two minutes or less; seemingly with sheer, controlled, and silent chaos!

“The crew would all look up and down the line, (then) one by one, we would turn and point”

(Then) They'd usually rush off to find a friend to "set up" as the next hour's "volunteer!" (Aren't we an odd species?)

And, one of your scuttlebutts transformed into;

"With or without Doc’s Skuttlebutt Cap prank, it is an exciting event, as well as a look back into the days of sail and the tall ships.
'


Keep in mind these are all examples, and these are all my opinions, they important thing to remember;

I thoroughly enjoyed this glimpse into your time as a Sea Scout and appreciated the humor of Cap’s Cap Prank.

You are the final arbiter of your writing style, take from this review only what works for you, and let the rest wash away in the scupper.

Write (and Sail) On!!




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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Elisa, Stik of Clubs, I found your short story on the Please Review page. The theme is intentionally dark and melancholy, you did a very good job of evoking those emotions in my reading of the story.

Unfortunately, the topic of this story appears to be less fictional in these times, the horrors it details are becoming a repeating reality far too often. While I personally have never witnessed anything like you have described, I live close enough to a large city, New York, to feel a visceral chill as I read your story.

The story flowed well, and I found few things that distracted me, save for;

         "Hi, Lulu," Felicia greeted the newcomer. "Are you more Lulubelle or Lucifer at the moment?"

         This got a snicker from Adrian. "I did give the cats some food because she was closer to the Lucifer end of the spectrum."

         Felicia snorted and pet(ted?) the cat. "Thanks, honey."


I kept wondering why one cat was being described as cats, that did clear up after;

         "She found her other cat Daisy"

Again, not a big deal, but it did pull me out of the story for a bit.

Another point that confused me a bit.

When Felicia leaves her home, is she walking or driving? There appear to me to be indications of both.

The last thing that I wonder about is why, given the circumstances, would either Felicia or Adrian have ventured out into the City alone. That didn't seem safe or prudent.

I enjoyed the descriptiveness of your story, it was sadly disheartening to be presented with these awful truths.

Thank You For Sharing!


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Review of Hawayein  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, thank you for sharing your writing with us. I hope you don't mind, but I was intrigued and had Google translate your poem into English, which unfortunately the only language I am fluent in.

This is the translation Google provided:

"The winds have started blowing,
In the lap of my dreams,
And desires are disintegrating,
What I had agreed to do,
In the lap of my dreams,
The branches of desires have started falling,
And clinging to the clutches of reality,
In the lap of my dreams,
On the leaves of smiles,
The winds are removing the dew from the wrapped trees,
In the lap of my dreams."


My Review:

Even in English, the poem has a gentle melancholy flow, evoking a metaphor of goals fading away.

The punctuation is interesting, using all commas creates a very long sentence or thought. I would suggest adding a period after each repeat of "In the lap of my dreams." That would devide the poem into easier to read sentences/thoughts

Something, that at least for me partially disrupts that flow and poetic pace, is the first two lines;

"The winds have started blowing,
In the lap of my dreams,


In the following lines, there are two lines before the repeat of "In the lap of my dreams,". I really feel there should be another line, after "The winds have started blowing,". Perhaps describing the metaphoric wind? Also adding space between the lines might make your poem more readable.

I.E.

"The winds have started blowing,
In the lap of my dreams,

And desires are disintegrating,
What I had agreed to do,
In the lap of my dreams,

The branches of desires have started falling,
And clinging to the clutches of reality,
In the lap of my dreams,

On the leaves of smiles,
The winds are removing the dew from the wrapped trees,
In the lap of my dreams."{/i

In this line;

The branches of desires have started falling,

I would remove the plural "desires", and replace it with the singular desire.

Of course, it's possible that any of the comments I made are based on a faulty Google translation, but I think, based on the flow that Google came pretty close to you intent.

Again, thank you for sharing! Please remember that this review is based on my opinions, and is not the end all, be all. I would urge you to share more of your work, and if possible, provide your own translations in English. I'm not being a language snob, but you will get more feedback if you use the predominant language here on WdC.



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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What a delightful little ditty, I enjoyed how well it fits the Common Meter theme of "Grumpy's Saint Paddy's Day Contest!!Open in new Window.. Please feel free to enter it!!!

You nailed this, both from the meter/rhyme scheme standpoint and from its subject matter. I enjoyed singing it in my head so much, that I sang it out loud to my significant other, who laughed — hopefully at your poem, not my singing.

With any luck, "Good People" will speak once again, staving off the Troll.

Thank You!!


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Review of Closed Eyes  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Evie 🏳️‍🌈 write&blog Author Icon, I see you joined us at the end of December, welcome to Writing.com (WdC)!!

I found your flash fiction "Closed EyesOpen in new Window. on the Newsfeed and wanted to come and read it. I am glad I did, it was a short, not sweet glimpse into someone's sadness.

There were no syntax, spelling, or grammatical errors that detracted from your flash fiction. The only comment is that in your title the word eyes should be capitalized.

I know that this was a flash item, and as such words used must be economical, but I think if you reread it you might discover stronger more dramatic words that show us more of your character's sadness, rather than telling us.

For example:

"The joy had been taken from her. What remained was the memory"

Perhaps something more like:

Joy had been stripped from her, replaced by bittersweet memories —

stripped seems more violent, somewhat meaner than taken. Adding a descriptor to memories adds more color. I removed the word the, you don't need it, and it saves you a word, adding the chance to add those colorful words.

Lastly, I would like to make some tips about Presentation, or how your item looks when readers view it online.

The first is more of a request.

There are many older eyes on WdC, so a larger text is helpful. WdC makes that easy to do, across the top of you text entry box you should see a toolbar. If you click on the sss button you will see the option to choose text size, I suggest either 3.5 or 4. It will make it easier to read. Another neat one is the Script F, allowing you to choose a different font. The buttons work much like those in MS Word, I suggest you play with them, they are fun and add to your work.

The other suggestion I have involves spacing. While in a short piece like your flash, it isn't critical, spaces between paragraphs make the item easier to read. Our eyes track it better. Often when you cut and paste from a Word-like program WdC strips out the double space. So remember to put it back when you edit your item on WdC.

If I were your editor, I might make these changes to you item before sending it off to printing.—

The original:


"She closed her eyes.
The tears stuck them tightly shut, but she didn't let herself get irritated. She had to recall this moment as best she could. She wanted to see every single detail, the patches on his slanted hat, the clock ticking on the wall, everything.
She began to hear his soft voice and see the tears in his eyes. He spoke, "I'm so sorry. I love you."
Then what they had both expected had happened: she had to leave. Her father had not wanted to send her away, but did he have any other choice? He had had to.
The joy had been taken from her. What remained was the memory."


Edit:

She closed her eyes.

The tears stuck them tightly shut, but she didn't let herself get irritated. She had to recall this moment as best she could. She wanted to see every single detail, the patches on his slanted hat, the clock ticking on the wall, everything.

She began to hear his soft voice and see the tears in his eyes. He spoke, "I'm so sorry. I love you."

Then what they had both expected had happened: she had to leave. Her father had not wanted to send her away, but did he have any other choice? He had had to.

The joy had been taken from her. What remained was the memory.


{font:verdana}{size:3.5}She closed her eyes.

The tears stuck them tightly shut, but she didn't let herself get irritated. She had to recall this moment as best she could. She wanted to see every single detail, the patches on his slanted hat, the clock ticking on the wall, everything.

She began to hear his soft voice and see the tears in his eyes. He spoke, "I'm so sorry. I love you."

Then what they had both expected had happened: she had to leave. Her father had not wanted to send her away, but did he have any other choice? He had had to.

The joy had been taken from her. What remained was the memory.{/size}{/font}

I added the second edit, with the WriteML showing so you can see what I did.

As always, reviews are meant to be helpful! Please take what works for you, and feel VERY FREE to disregard anything that doesn't. Again welcome to WdC, I look forward to reading additional items in your portfolio!


Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Sumojo, I am reviewing "Singing in the rainOpen in new Window. as part of "I Write: Enter the Second DecadeOpen in new Window..

This was a very clever take on the haunted painting trope, and I want to take a moment to thank you for the earworm that is now playing nonstop in my head! But, seriously I enjoyed your tale immensely, it flowed well and held my interest from start to finish.

The protagonist acquired a painting with special properties, which over time manifested into a delightfully quirky haunting. To be honest, I'm not sure I would have given the painting up as easily as your protagonist. After all, its behavior wasn't all that sinister, as long as you didn't slip on the wet floor.

I didn't see anything that gave me pause mechanically, or that detracted from the tale. The only thing I took note of is that in two places, there is a space missing between a period and the next word;

Here; Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds were tap dancing and singing, the rain so real that drops of water splashed onto the hall (tiles.>Terrified,)

And here; A tiny old lady, barely taller than a child, answered it and invited me inside the beautiful (home.>Taking)

A nicely woven tale! Thank You For Sharing!!




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