Your first chapter served its main purpose. It made me want to read on to the next chapters. Having said that some edits are suggested;
- Spacing between the paragraphs make for a better visual experience reading.
- Reduce the instances in which you use the present participle that is words that end in "ing"
- There are lines where adverbs and adjectives could've been replaced with more thoroough descriptions.
These are the things I liked;
I believe the correct term as used in past English classes is personification. Anyway, I thought it effective when you used this to show what non human forces did. For example..."the hum passing her ears silenced all other noises and any attempt at communication." The fire gave the story a hot start (pardon the pun) by personifying it. Also, I liked the subtlety in how you showed Kari came to realize things would never be the same again.
This makes for a good forward or prologue to introduce the main body of the book to come. It reveals without revealing too much.A couple of sentences could've been worded better. Overall a fine effort.
I like how the first sentence is separate. It's a good tone setter for the story.The beginning and end work in concert. Could've used a little more details in body of the story. Still good though.
The story drew me in from the beginning. I cant over state how important that is. i'd just make one small point. A word like cacophony should only be used once in a story this size. It's written that the "truth shall set you free." However, that doesn't mean it'll make you feel good. Great story.
The story was dialogue rich. I could picture a man and a woman working in the dirt together as the narrator/ main character provided background with how they met. The story moved quickly and effortlessly. The title was both symbolic and substantive.
Victor is a real prize. Angela may be sorry she let him go. Seriously though, reading thisjust might cause me to write my own social media inspired tale.
Very good! The way you relayed the animal stories brought a sense of the characters' history to the plot with brief passages that did not slow down the story.
The way you look at Max is how God sees us. He can't stop loving and fretting about us no matter how badly we behave.
Your story enlightend me.I thought the city kids got into all the trouble.
Promising
1.I wonder how the man you speak of came to his current situation. It is a good thing when readers think enough of a character to ask themselves about him/her.
2.You give a precise description of what we in America would call a crack house.
3. I really look forward to chapter 2.
Now, the editor/proofreader in me comes out:
1. The first paragraph is too long. It should be broken up into three to five paragraphs with te use of transitions.
2. The correct spelling is s-t-o-r-y to describe a floor or level of a building. Also, you began a sentence with a preposition when it would have read better with another way. For instance, you wrote the following:
"On the top two, both rooms were bedrooms." It may have read better as follows: The rooms on the top two floors were both bedrooms.
3. The editor/proofreading tips are suggestions which are not written stone. I don't claim to be the Grand Poobah of all things writing but I think these will help.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:16am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
