Greetings,
now that@s an interesting poem. It`s the kind that puts all the onus on the reader by making them create their own reality though individual interpretation. It could go literally anywhere according to who you are or your life experiences. To my mind it is one of the ideal functions of poetry and it is done extremely well.
For me, there are just enough subtle hints to steer me in my own specific directions which are, of course different from everyone elses. The first stanza makes me think about work and how , with the best will in the world it becomes a mind numbing routine. the second and third yank me into a whole new dimension with the trigger words `nuclear, semi-enforced, refuge and temporary.` I am now thinking of the victims of Japan`s nuclear disaster, driven form their homes never to return. The children who cannot play outside anymore. The families dispersed all over Japan, moving from hotel room, to bedsit to temporary housing in an undending journey; the children unable to attend school because they are bullied with the accusation of having caught `radiation disease` thereby being unclean; of the old people ripped from their childhood neighbourhoods destroyed by the tsunami and stuck in rabbit hutches with no public transport and no shops in the vicinity.
But that`s just me.
Wonderful stuff.
Buri
Greetings,
this is a neat little story. It`s full of good ideas, is well constructed and keeps one`s interest. I like the way you vary the tenses from present to past and so on.
I did feel I wanted a bit more about the Gods/godesses and how what they did affected humans. It starts out as a kind of historical fable and then switches to a very personal series of emotional exchanges which could belong to any relationship or time period. I think you could have made more of the title. I just have a -very slight- feeling that you are mixing up two different kinds of story. Maybe you should quickly write another two. One more distant and about goddesses. the other about family problems?;)
If rain is a connecting theme then at the end for example, you could write something like `These days she still cries but they are gentle tears which nourish the earth and the people on it.`
a few minor points or suggestions...
In the clouds there is a beautiful goddess with long red hair. She wears a long flowing gown which changes color according to the weather that she controls.
Today her gown is yellow because it sunny, but it was not always sunny. It used to be blue. Her name is Melowseana. When Melowseana was 3 years old she saved an animal that her mother Artemis was trying to hunt.
What animal?
Her mother went (flew) into a rage
and told her daughter that she (never wanted to see) will never see Melowseana again
her little daughter (flew) flood into the clouds and started to cry
and it started to (causing it to) rain like it never rained before.
She had not see him since from the day she (flew) flows up into the clouds.
Though she and her mother were not talking to each other she also did not see her uncle a lot (either.)
Cheers,
Buri
Greetings,
I loved this poem when I first read it this morning even though it seemd to only have two stanzas at that time of posting! It`s an area of life I have long been interested in as it seems to me to relate to certyain kind sof terrors which we cannot dela with well because they can be explained in spiritual terms rather than rational ones that can be treated with medicine and invasive technology. For me it is about something we have all lost. It`s that kind of poem. The interpretations are myriad and we don`t have to worry about the sheer quality of the writing which is great.
Just one thing I thought wa sstretching it a bit. The pairing of `disbelief` and bequeth is stretching it a bit to my mind. The other rhymes are so perfetc it startled me a bit. I did think there were possbilities with both `grief` and `relief` which might have muted the disjunct a little.
But such a great poem, who cares?
Cheers,
Buri
Greetings,
this one grabbed my attention and left me wanting to read the next installment. That`s probably the highest praise a piece of writing can get at the end of the day.;) So why the relatively low rating?
The opening put me off a little.
1)ou know, they say people learn differently, some are tactile people, or visual people.
I think you have too many `people,` here. It conflicts with the terse, aggressive style I feel you are aiming for,
2) `His performance in bed was fabulous after a night at the strip club, `
This almost feels like it@s in the wrong genre. Just for me the word `fabulous` for example, is more typical of raunchy Mills and Boone (not that I ever read that stuff!;) The rest of your writing is much more sophisticated than this. This is no idle complement.
3) You use the word `fucking.` This word does have it`s place in literature and indeed, as a linguist, it occasionally amuses me to cite Labov`s groundbreaking research on how New Yorker`s use this four letter word as verbal punctuation without any reference to meaning....
Even so, I think it is best avoided as much as possible unless you need it as some kind of direct quote or truly explosive impact. You are , as a gifted writer, quite capable of writing a slightly more subtle opening in which the meaning is clear but one doesn`t feel just a little put out too soon in the story.
IE `after Luke went to a strip club for the first time, my satisfaction quotient went through the roof.` kind of thing.
From `13 months ago` the real you kicks in and I loved this chunk. No excess, dry and amusing but thoroughly realistic. One begins to identify and understand the characters and the set up even though you have not said too much about the people themselves.
Hurry up and write the next it please.
Cheers,
Buri
Greetings,
I really like this poem. I am a big fan of the `war poets` (wilfred Owen etc) and this one reminded of the one about a pilot by, I think, Rupert Brooks. You present the key point that we are al victims of war very sensitively and expressively. Apart from this I still don`t know how to critique poetry;) All I can do is suggest what I might have done knowing that is not you and hoping it might trigger further thoughts....
I felt a slight sense of disorientation in the second stanza. You started off talking about what your father was doing and then suddenly switch to yourself. I suppose one might reverse the order of s1 and s2 or change s2 slightly.
In s3 you use the word `honor` twice. It`s not at all bad but there are other possibilities. For example, I thought of `he found only shame in fighting/In those fields so far from home.
I was a little puzzled by `Whose memories now lay lifeless`. usually I suppose a body lies lifeless and a memory lives on. On the other hand its an interesting enough twist to leave as it is....
I like the way you slightly alter the last line each time. You do it just enough to prevent the reader thinking `Oh yeah, it`s that line again,` which I find all too often in some poetry. However, the last time you revert to the same pattern as s3 which I thought was a shame. It might be a chance to do something a little different to round the thing out, signifying the ending.
In those fields which are not home
In those fields too far from home.
In fields they can`t call home.
Under fields so far from home.
Ploughed under far from home.
The earth is all our home.
lousy examples but you see where I am coming from?
Cheers,
buri
Greetings,
good job. I like this kind of stuff and you do it well.
It did seem to be somewhat a work in progress which is probably true of all writing. Just for my taste, as is always the case with poetry, I found the chorus less satisfying than the bulk of the story. In the line `your love makes me happy` I couldt`t quite reconcile the word `happy` with the strength of love that flows through the whole text. Sorry I can`t explain this well but many things make me happy: my cat, a good curry and beer or indeed, reading your poem! `Love` itself is perhaps much more to my mind.
The other thing I found comes from my thinking as a musician. There is a lot of repetition of material in music and unless we play something a little differently each time, by the third repetition (it`s always the third for some reason) the audience begins to lose interest. In the same way the chorus (?) here is good but after the second repetition it becomes predictable and actually decreases engagement with the content. I suppose one way round this would be to change one aspect of it every time which would leave the reader thinking subconsciously `Mmm. what is going to be different next time?` crave-yearn, promise-vow, happy-ecstatic-burn, everyday-every minute- every hour- everyday.
Or the last line rather suddenly:
Sweet Altheda, your love -made- me happy
--------------- etc.
`Our love can grow no more!`
Idle thoughts on a fine poem.
Buri
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/buri
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:25pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
