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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/caesiusdraco
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22 Public Reviews Given
43 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Nicole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello and Welcome to Writing.Com!

As for the topic of this poem, I have to say 'Amen, Sister!'. ;)

I just have a couple problems with the structure, though. The main one is that you break away from your three-line stanza style in the last stanza. I believe that 'My Brothers' could be deleted entirely without subtracting anything from the poem.

In all my Creative Writing courses, I've always been taught that the purpose of poetry is to exemplify an emotion or state a point with the fewest possible words. I found a couple of stanzas repetitive, especially stanza three. I think if you were to condense this poem a little, with fewer, harder-hitting stanzas, it would both read smoother and inspire a greater reaction within our readers.

Write On!
Nicole
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Review of Green eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by Nicole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You have great description and characterization within this piece. Well done! My only real complaint was that it definitely didn't seem finished. Are you planning on adding more to this? Is this the first part of a novel?

If you're not, I would suggest going into the detail of how she became a vampire, and then maybe you could end it with her feasting on someone? It just seems cut-off as it is.
Also, if it's not the start to a novel, there's no need to label the prologue of short stories. Your line breaks note that it's a scene break. (Though, when you submit this for publication, note that scene breaks should be marked with an asterisk)

Nitpicks:
> I listened to the nearest mortal thinking what she and her family was to have for dinner that night.
>“What should I have for dinner?”

This line is very redundant. Maybe you should have a trailing psuedo-dialogue of the human's thoughts instead of just describing them to us? I do think that would lend more to the story than how it was done in the first sentence.

> the way I should sweet, loving, and innocent.
Needs a colon between should and sweet

But, like I said, you've done a very nice job, it just needs a little polishing. Write On!
3
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Review of The Faceless Babe  Open in new Window.
Review by Nicole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello!

I think you have a wonderfully creepy tale here. Thank you for sharing it with us! I didn't notice a lot of errors within your writing style, except for perhaps two things: you tend to provide us with a lot of information that's really not crucial to our understanding of the story or characters, and you over-used names a bit in the text. There was a point in the birthing scene that Eliza's name was repeated so often within a few sentences, that I began picking it out and that's all I really noticed about your writing. I would suggest replacing at least a few occurrences with a pronoun or two to solve that repetition.

Nitpicks:

"The woman was strange in one distinct manner, her facial features were missing. Scientists believe that decomposition wouldn't have caused such a dramatic change in the woman's corpse so fast, for the woman was discovered only five months after her death. The woman's name has been changed by request of her family from Hawaii."

We don't need any of this besides the first sentence, because, for the sake of the story, the nurse's background is irrelevant to us besides what she chooses to reveal in this document.

I would cut the second paragraph and add in the details of things such as her name later on, since this is also unsubstantial, and the beginning of paragraph 3 is a far-better lead-in to the story.

"So, I did what any near-frantic totally freaked out nurse would do"
This line seemed really out-of-character for me. I would cut it, or find another way of displaying this emotion.

Again, I see a lot of potential in this piece. I think it just needs a few touch-ups, and then it'll be ready for publication or whatever dreams you have for it. :) Write On!
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4
Review of She Steps  Open in new Window.
Review by Nicole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your first two stanzas are absolutely breathtaking, but reason I only give it a 4 is because you break out of your own pattern. ;)

If you're going to set up the adverb beginnings like you did in the first two stanzas, you really need to keep that to make this flow well. Perhaps the next could be:
Completely,
She captures
The essence of beauty.

Then, perhaps, the first word of the very last stanza could be 'Lonely'.

Another "break" that I noticed was that you went from this gorgeous visual imagery that was showing us how she was feeling, to telling us outright. This kind of killed the poem for me. The idea of poetry is to stir emotion within the reader with as few words as possible, I think you could have done that with far more impact using far less than you wrote here.

Also, another break in the pattern:
So beautiful
So lovely
Yet so very, very lonely.

I, personally, think you should just cut these mini-stanzas that are added into the rest of the poem, because they tell us things we shouldn't have to be told. The emotion of the text should invoke this. You just get the sense from this bare-foot girl walking in the rain that she's searching for something and you've said she's beautiful, so there's no need to repeat this. If you want to keep them, then I suggest developing a pattern for them, or keeping them the exact same number of stanzas apart with the exact same amount of lines each.

More nit-picks:
<<Seems as if
She has everything.>>

I have a personal vendetta against using the word 'seem' as a verb. Nothing "seems". Either it is, or it isn't and I just find it such a weak word to use when there's a variety of other options. In light of my earlier suggestion, I would suggest something like this:
Apparently,
She has everything
First glance would tell you so.

But, I also wonder if these stanzas are at all necessary? In approaching the point of loneliness, we're kind of beating a dead horse, and within poetry we're trying to get into her head, not hear her backstory.

Another nitpick:
I think 'Bare-footed' would sound better as 'Bare-foot' because it wouldn't sound right to say "She steps, barefooted." in a sentence.

Anyway, I hope that helps. I really see this as having a lot of potential with a little bit of tweaking. Again, your first two stanzas are wonderful, and they set the standard the rest of the poem should live up to. Write On!
5
5
Review of Thou Shall Not  Open in new Window.
Review by Nicole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed the overall topic of this piece. The Amish are a very interesting culture within America that very rarely get focus in fiction, let alone in an accurate light. Well done!

My main thought while reading this is that it seemed very rushed or compressed. I think there would be a lot of room to elaborate on Rebecca's emotions and experiences that would really draw the reader in more than you have already. I would suggest perhaps going through and adding in some direct memories, besides the rocking chair, or some dialogue with all the other characters you'd mentioned.

I also noticed that a lot of your text was a little wordy. You have very good description that really gives us a vivid mental image of what's going on in the story. But, in many places, it reaches a point where it becomes distracting from the action. Here's an example in the first sentence:

"Rebecca Lapp studied herself in the reflection of the windowpane."
- This could easily be cut down to 'Rebeccaa Lapp studied her reflection in the window." because we know she's looking at herself in the glass, so there's no reason to give such explicit detail within the sentence. This is an easy habit to fall into, but also a bad one, because instead of allowing to form an image within our own head and let the story come alive, over-description forces the reader's imagination and makes the story stagnant. I see this occurring consistently without the piece, so I'd recommend giving it a look over, and remove all the words you don't feel are absolutely crucial to the reader's understanding and visualization of the piece.

I found the ending kind of akward, as well, primarily the beginning of the last paragraph. When I read 'After prayer, and deep heart searching, Rebecca had come to a decision', I assumed that there was more to the thought-stream we were following in the above paragraph. If there is, I'd like to see exactly what else she's thinking. Or, if there's not, I would suggest deleting the first 2 sentences of the last paragraph, since the information there is already provided in the previous paragraph, or will shortly be in the text to come. The second sentence in that paragraph especially killed the impact of the ending for me.

Once again, I think you've really got something here. Rebecca is strong and believable, and you have a well-constructed and unique setting. I can honestly say I would read more about her, and that I'm interested in seeing more work from you. Write On!
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Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Review by Nicole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello and welcome to Writing.com! :)

I really liked the idea behind this story -- this modern day "plague" kind of a setup. I do have a couple suggestions and a thing or two to nitpick, primarily within the first paragraph.

I remember when it happened; I woke up one morning and the children were dead. Every child under the age of 6 lie dead in their beds.

This is kind of redundant, and due to that, it reads awkwardly. I would make the following suggestion for revision:

I remember when it happened. I woke up one morning and they were dead: every child under the age of six.

Next,
Some having died in most foul and most unforgivable ways; Improbable and impossible ways.

This, also reads awkwardly for me. I think it's because this becomes wordy, repetitive, and contradictory all that the same time. For example, something, in reality, can be impossible or improbable, but not both. I don't think all these words are necessary to give us the correct picture.
From the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like it's a "some", but that all of them were butchered by some unseen force. If it only was some, then I'd like to see a contrast as to how the rest went. Did they go peacefully in their sleep?
I might suggest the following revision:
They did not die peacefully within their dreams, but in the most foul and improbable of manners.

I've numbered bits of the following info so I can refer to it more easily.

We lived in a state of constant panic and confusion. (1)

That was about 30 years ago.

Now facing extinction, our leaders are frantically searching for something that could save us. Humanity finally working together to achieve a common goal. Its too late though. (2)

The human race is finally over. We have been parasitic for millions of years. (3)

Maybe when the Dark Ones or the Christian God do come, they will rule over a dead planet, lifeless but for the plants and animals. Ironic really. (4)

(1) - Again, we're facing needless information. You've already established this, just through the imagery you've created. This is good, you want your story to speak the to reader. Don't come in as the narrator and force that.

(2) Combine these lines. There's a lot of needless stuff here too. If the reader knows we can't breed, he/she knows we're facing extinction. Again, let the story speak for itself.
I would work these sentences together into the previous paragraph. My suggestion:
Humanity has spent the last 30 years working together towards a common goal. It's too late, though.

(3) A good story is supposed to flow like an undisturbed dream. You do a wonderful job of creating this, and then towards the end, come in with the heavy handed fist of "You get this, right?" and shatter that. These two lines especially break my pull into the story, because they really have nothing to do with the plot. It's like there's this random blinking sign on the side of your writing that says "Human beings are bad, and we deserved this." Even if it's meant to be the viewpoint of the main character, being a cynic myself, I can't imagine anyone, with a lick of sanity, in this situation just sitting back in their proverbial lawn chair and saying: "Yep...We deserved it." Cut these two.

(4) A reiteration of what I've said above: cut out the 'Ironic, really.' The story says that for itself. Let it talk. I also felt it was kind of odd to say lifeless, and then come back within the same sentence to tell us that only humans are dead. I would either say 'They will come back to rule a world devoid of man.' or have the ailment effect animals, too.
One line that popped into my head as I finished the ending was 'Or, maybe, they are already here...' That kind of added a chill for me, so I thought I would suggest it to you, in case you liked it too. ;)

Don't let me nitpicking get you down. You really have done a good job. But, I hope you can nip this reoccurring issue in the bud. You have some beautiful writing, you just need to stop cramming points into the reader.

Write on!

-Nicole
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