I'm glad to see that you leaned that it's always best to be who you really are instead of someone you're not, some people never learn that.. and remain big fakes their entire life (several celebrities come to mind almost immediately). Anyway, knowing you're a young writer I find it hard to be critical because I don't ever want to discourage you, yet I know you want some criticism because you want to continually improve and get better. In this case though, since your piece is basically a free form poem, and no misspellings or poor punctuation jumped out at me, I have to give you 5 stars. So smile and give yourself a pat on the back. I'm glad you learned a very valuable lesson and I'm also glad that your heart wasn't torn to shreds, but merely bruised a bit from the shock waves of you kickin' yourself in the butt.
The first paragraph draws the reader into the room and they can feel and smell the various subtle scents as they waft across the room on a phantom breeze. The writer shows a fantastic ability to quickly immerse the reader in the story while drawing on each individual's power of imagination to create a scene in which the reader feels they are an integral part of... this is a very pleasant short story with a sweet romantic twist at the end. I liked it very much except for the part near the end where her nails came near to drawing blood, then I had to grit my teeth for a second as brief images of cats and Klingons reveling in primal passion tumbled across my mind... but what a great ending.
This is quite good, kind of a free-style poem...
The descriptions are quite, um, descriptive
and the reader can easily imagine themselves in your place
in front of the sink, totally into the act of washing the dishes.
What a great poll... fun, educational and enlightening - plus you get to see the results right away and find out what the correct answers are too. I knew I wouldn't do very well, and I knew I could cheat and look up the correct answers here and there. But what fun would that be? After all, who cares that I only got 2 outta 10, at least I tried.
This a very interesting beginning to a story and you capture the reader's attention immediately. Then, without losing momentum you quickly move them along and flesh out the story.
The only recommendation I have is to not make every character's eyes "blue-green turning to purple" or green-gray turning to an icy steel blue. That seems a little over done, to me anyway.
Your short paragraphs and excellent spelling and punctuation all work together nicely. That's what speeds the reader along making your story a quick and enjoyable read.
Keep up the good work and write on girl, write on...
A short, fast, interesting poll to awaken the conspiracy theorist in all of us.
Companies may have hackers on the side that they contract with to create viruses and other malware, but the kid who got busted hacking the Pentagon several years ago just got out of prison and when PC Magazine interviewed him their last question was, "What advice do you have for our readers out there?" His reply was simply, "Get rid of Internet Explorer and use a different browser. IE has more holes than swiss cheese."
Your new experiment with the triple rhymes worked for me, except for the last two lines, they just don't seem to fit and make sense in the picture that you began painting in the beginning and carrying on through the middle and then following up with a closing that starts out great and then kind of stumbles and tries to catch itself at the end.
You have a knack for creating a character and then imbibing them with characteristics that nearly everyone can relate to, so we root for the character because we can identify with them - even though they're very different from us. What a horrible situation poor George has been in for so many years. Now what's going to happen to him?
You capture the essence of the character very well, as times get tougher he has to resort to desperate measures to provide for his family but he dies just trying to survive. What makes it worse is that everyone has heard of or seen videos of The World's Dumbest Criminals, but the reality and the story behind the story make the reader pause to think... amazing that something like that could happen in this day and age.
I hate to be the bubble-burster but this piece of a poem is just simply confusing with it's lack of punstuation and haphazard capitalization it has great potential but never takes off.
Then, 2 spelling errors in less than 150 characters... oh my, don't let me send my kids to your high school.
The moon she weapsweeps rays of ledlead
Longing for the day break
but as the mighty sun may rise
he finds her missing until(x}l eve time
If both unites the stands still
True love they share for all time.
A good beginning but needs some work. Write on girl!
This is a good beginning or perhaps a prologue to a story and you leave the reader wondering exactly what's going to happen next (although they probably think they already know).
I don't know if I'd use the name of a well-known tropical island as a primary character's name, I'd try to be more creative and original myself, but that's me.
One suggestion,
I think I'd try laid or lay instead of lied. the paltry well that lied on its outskirts.
A short, very well written,
vividly painted picture of a poem.
I especially liked that line, the shriek of the shrike- and the way it just led into the next lines.
Technically flawless and a fantastic tie-it-together piece for Jack and the Lisa Lansing diaries as they move along toward the future. What's absolutely amazing is how the story and the poetry get woven together to make an even more complex story altogether. The thing that really tied it all together for me personally was the author's note at the end. That was definately 2 thumbs up!
I thought the poem was very good and I liked the feeling of strength in the first stanza and the mental image of a tree being bent in the wind in the 2nd. stanza leading into the 3rd. stanza ending with a question. Then the last 3 stanzas offer a sorrowful plea and a promise of undying love.
Then, all of a sudden I'm slung sideways by the note about Lisa Lansing. Who is she? Then you realize that the poem is part of some other story and you don't really get the connection, or at least I didn't (till I checked out your port), and I wonder how many others feel like me.
I realize the note is purposeful and there to enlighten the reader, but for me it was like a speed bump that jerked the wheel out of my hands and started leading me in another direction as I was still contemplating the depth of the poem I'd just finished reading.
This is a pretty good first poem, it rhymes nicely every other line. Interestingly, the first 4 line stanza flows pretty nicely, the next stanza gets a little rougher, the next a bit rougher still and then the last stanza gets cut off abruptly half-way through, but it rhymes. Poetry and sonnets don't have to rhyhme. I learned that when I heard the famous, "Romeo, oh Romeo, where art thou Romeo?", but I always have an almost irresistable urge to make them rhyme too. Maybe it's the Dr. Suess influence... who knows? I guess that's why, like you, I don't write much poetry.
Although the scene is quaint and commical, it's also more than just a bit too far-fetched. After all, what space alien would eat any Earth food without testing it in some way or another to make certain that it wouldn't have any harmful effects. As for the end, where the alien tries smoking a pipe... I dunno, I just don't see astronauts smoking whether they're alien or human.
Believe it or not, the only reason I'm not an astronaut myself is because I smoke cigarettes.
For someone who doesn't write poetry this piece didn't come out too bad. What was interesting to me was that you had a short story and a poem going on at the same time. I've never seen that before!
As you told the story, the cat got involved in the production of the poem, and now at the end it's gonna be the cat's fault if this poem doesn't met with someone's expectations. Hmmm... Very clever... and the poetic history lesson wasn't too bad either.
I just wish that last line would have rhymed like all the rest did.
I would suggest, INSTEAD OF CAPS, try using Bold{/B] and underline{/u] for emphasis. I also believe PRECIPACE is spelled, precipice (though I could be wrong, no dictionary handy), but I know, lye should be lie. Lye is a strong alkali soap used for tough cleaning jobs. Lie means to tell a fib, or a lie, or it can mean to lie down.
Here's what I'd change and how it'd look:
The Precipice of Anger
Sliding down
the precipice of anger,
hatred pulls me from the ledge
to fall on jagged rocks below.
My lifeline torn, just out of reach,
I am thrown
into the vast crevice of despair.
My spirit sinks in total darkness
as I lie gasping for air on the canyon floor.
Have I breathed my last?
Flickering in the distance,
a thread of light beckons,
a beacon of hope, lifting
my broken weary soul.
Trembling, remembering,
faith guides my first steps
into this black abyss
as hope moves me to take one more step
and then another, through the darkness.
As His Love overpowers me, I am free
to climb a few steps higher, until again
the flickering candle shows its tiny flame.
Hatred and Anger
now buried deep within the chilling canyon walls,
I reach the green, sweet grass on the quiet plateau just as dawn is breaking.
The Prize--Forgiveness--His gift of Peace
and most important-Enlightenment.
Everything I've ever read from askpaddy has a friendly, down-home kind of flavor to it... and this is no exception. It's a short, fast read that pokes a little fun at all the major Christian denominations, but it also ties in the ol' Karmic thing of, "All the good you do comes back to you as well as all the bad." when the one minister gets a bonk on the noggin while trying to upstage his neighbor.
This is an interesting story but it seems unfinished, like it's the first of several chapters where we will learn still more about the Galmoos people.
Most of the spelling and punctuation was pretty good, but I did find a few things that need fixed, like:
The sky was blue and no cloud insight in every direction since afternoon.
SHOULD BE:
The sky was blue with no clouds in sight in any direction since afternoon.
It was not hot or cold, with the perfect breeze of air blowing eastward. It was not strange day to the people of Galmoos,
SHOULD BE:
It was not hot or cold, with the perfect breeze blowing constantly eastward. It was not a strange day to the people of Galmoos,
See what I mean? I'll send an e-mail right behind this to show you all the changes I'd make just so that it flows better and reads more smoothly.
I'm not usually a romance reader but you've drawn me in. You have a knack for quickly making your characters interesting individuals with very personalized ways about themselves, such as a certain manner of speaking or always looking demurly down as a sign of respect. The additional insights into the characters thoughts and feelings strengthens their individual identities and your readers are certainly seeing the exact same picture you've been painting.
The only thing I'd do is put a comma after the word, started (below), that makes it easier for the reader to understand. Without the comma you tend to run right through the sentence, shake your head, and then quickly read it again. I did anyway.
“Hey, Abs. How is…?” Erin started[,] only to have a pale forefinger shake negatively in front of her nose.
All in all, very good.
I'm going to read more later.
Now that I've read the first chapter (since I read 3 or 4 a bit ago) I better understand this new take on the old tall, dark, handsome stranger comes to the petite young woman's rescue story... and I like it. The descriptions of everything are so fantastically detailed that you'd almost think you were watching a movie.
This is a nicely woven tale, surely a fairy-tale in this day and age, but you pull it off quite well. I was a bit worried for a moment when she sat down to count her money, but thankfully she discovered that 10 was a 100, so she got their trunk load of belongings back... my question is, will she stay with the older guy, her saviour? After all, when she's 40, he'll be 60-something... just something to think about.
Another great story from askpaddy, they're always charming and delightful in some way. This one reminded me of the 'Believe it or Not' series on television, except you closed it up with, "And how do I know? My name's Paul Gribben. I was there."
That was great!
There were a few places where I'd have put in commas, but that's just my opinion, I'm no English teacher.
___________________________________________________
She stopped to throw a stick for the dog[,] who ran after it, all excited.
“Oh, I am sorry[,] you were so excited about going.”
“Oh right. Well[,] I hope you’ll be very happy and your itchy feet will remain in one place.”
She said[,] looking him straight in the face.
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