I am Cath I just read {b-item:} I would like to offer a review.I am a student reviewer with the PDG. These are only my thoughts and suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
Dialogue:
Is well written and your word choice is excellent. With that being said.
Some of your sentences need to be combined so the dialogue flows smoother.
EX:
"So what was it?” she asked. “You don’t want to know. Trust me.” “Ben, you know we don’t keep secrets from each other. Tell me.” And since they didn’t, he did."
See how that flows.
Writing dialogue can be difficult and confusing at times. Short sentences make the flow for reader hard because they are choppy.
Is a conversation between two or more people; and conversation between characters in a drama or narrative
The lines of dialogue or passages in a script that are anticipated to be articulated.
Music is dialogue a composition or passage for two or more parts, expressive of intimate interaction.
When I first dialogue was the hardest thing for me but worked on it.
POV:
I was drawn to this piece because of the title. The Black Cape and Top Hat. This is a story that tells of a man who is preoccupied by the death of his best friend when he was a young lad, either by dogs, or a person in a Dark Cape and Top Hat.
The story is well written and refined. It is by nature, a fast paced read and you have been true to that principle in order to engage the reader and summon in them an emotional reaction.
It is all-knowing, and well written to capture Corry's scene, then the discussion between Ben and his wife, and the meeting with the man in the Dark Cape and Top Hat, and eventually, Ben's own mauling.
The POV, I feel, is consistent and appropriate for the tale.
Settings:
The settings include explicit descriptions of Corry's death, as well as Ben's death. However, I felt that there could have been a little more even though I could envisage the incidents. The discussion between Ben and his wife takes place over breakfast and the scene where he meets the killer is also quite vivid.
Characters:
The characters are well known to you, as the writer. You don't really describe Ben and Mindy. However, the way they speak and act are enough of a description for me to know that they are middle aged, that Ben is a cop so he must be law abiding. It made me think that he became a cop in order to solve this case. When I read a story, I don't want to read about just any somebody, I want to read about an interesting somebody and Ben is interesting because you have given him a major problem. How will he react? All of his actions must relate to this man in the Dark Cape and Top Hat. And the killer is as homo fichus should be; larger than life and larger with everything. The fact that he rips his victims, and that he appears only as a shadow at times, is also large in my eyes.
Mechanics:
The story works well because you have taken the nature of a short story and used it's natural brevity to capture what could have been written in over two or three chapters. The brevity of short stories meaning that there is only room for one plot really, whereas a novel might have several subplots. Also, with the short story comes brevity of character. You must describe the character by using one aspect instead of a dozen smaller aspects. You did this well.
The Hook:
The first line should have contained a hook, but sadly it didn't, however, by the end of the first scene I was hooked through the dialogue. I felt that the hook could have been stronger.
Suggestions:
I would like to say that some of the story could have been SHOWN a lot more than simply telling. Especially the scene that begins:
"When Ben was seven years old he witnessed a terrible sight...when really they don’t." I felt this scene could have been expanded on with more weight. I didn't feel involved. I was like an outsider, where I would have liked to have been on the inside.
The line that ends...he continued, baring a mouthful of long, yellow pointed teeth, “your imagination.” For me, this was the core, the entire point of the story. You left everything to the imagination.
A couple of lines
“A dream?” Mindy asked. (no tag required)
And since they didn’t, he did. (this line is not required)
He was sure it had to be Corey, but it looked too big to be Corey. (no need to use Corey's name twice)
But Corey didn’t answer. (Couldn’t answer.)(Would never answer.)
The seven-year old’s body had been violently ripped apart, his blood still dripping (delete STILL) (Should be OLD not Old’s)
When Ben finished his story, sans the gory details, Mindy just shook her head. (Delete JUST
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