I found this short story on the Request Reviews page. This story is off to a good start. I used your edit pts. to show you where it needs some work. With some tightening up this could be a great story. I hope you found this review helpful.
Welcome to writing.com. I stumbled upon your port and found this short story. It's very interesting. You give some nice visuals and I can almost feel the moss on my feet. I'm surprised by stained glass windows in a thatch roof cottage though.
Some suggestions:
“I’m not going to tell them and your not going to tell them,” she said, and then glared at him in mock suspicion, your should be you're. You need a period after suspicion.
They’re hometown, Red Stream, was a very biased place; They're should be Their
He told her that she had disgraced their town and shamed her family, then he gave her 2 choices You should spell out 2, two.
You have a tendancy to overuse the semi-colon. I would also like to suggest that you double space between paragraphs and dialog as it would make for a much easier read.
I found this article to be very interesting and informative, especially this:
If knowledge is power, then your Extended Item Statistics are the nuclear reactors of your portfolio. "Extended Item Statistics" break down a rateable item's overall rating and reveal a plethora of information about your individual readers and raters! By reading and understanding these stats, you can learn more about what your readers are telling you, even if they don't send a review!
And this:
Review this information to determine if you are successfully writing to your target group! If you received low ratings from members in groups you're not targeting, then most likely you don't need to worry about those ratings or that group.
If you received low ratings from numerous members in the groups you are targeting, you may need to rework your item to better target the readers in question. Once you know there is a problem, you can seek out specific advice in review forums within the community. Or, choose friends and associates who fit the group that you are targeting. Stress to them that you need their honest opinion to help you fix the problem you've found by analyzing your extended statistics.
And this:
After comparing and analyzing your data, you can now decide whether you are on target with your readership. If not, try to figure out where the problem is within your item and find a solution. You can seek help from review forums, friends and fellow writers by asking specific questions that you've developed from your study. You could also ask people in your targeted demographic group to help you out and give advice.
And lets not forget this:
Do not let individually low ratings discourage or bother you. Look for the patterns among them and make corrections, if you wish. But always remember that the item is yours and yours alone; you make the decisions!
Hi,
I found your story on the Request Reviews page. It's cute but I wish you'd show us more than tell us. What does a human head look like at -300 degrees? Does it thaw normally or would the subject possibly speak as though his tongue was numb? Things like that.
The 2nd sentence of the first paragraph is a bit confusing:
The subject, a cryonically frozen head, was propped up on a tall table; they would talk eye-to-eye.
Did you mean propped up?
Ted Williams interrupted Jake, “Where’s the rest of my body, you pipsqueak?”
This would have been a good place to tell the reader how a man who's been frozen for 50 yrs. looks when he's thawed out.
With those changes I mentioned, you could lengthen this into a short story.
This story reminds me of the grasshopper and the ants. You've made some good points and though the moral is not what I expected, I suppose it could happen. I'm just not sure why the "Four" would want to leave their home, which has everything they need, just to live in the village.
I can understand your point in capping "Four" and "Villagers." However, capping "Great Mound," "Gods," "Pride," "Land," and so on, is not necessary.
Thank you for sharing this story. I hope this review was helpful to you.
Ah, the love that got away. This is a moving poem. However, it does become scattered in places.
Some suggestions:
the one girl who’s sweet scent can reach you from across the world
who's should be whose
I saw your name in the clouds the other day
and I swear,
time,
it stood on its hind legs, trying so hard to keep its agility,
to stay balanced in that time, that moment,
so all life could see it,
to see how beautiful your name is,
If you tighten this stanza up, condense it a bit, it will flow more freely.
This stanza is also fragmented: You are one that should be loved forever,
because,
for you,
there isn’t anything more just.
But I, I’ll still think about you, and what I’ve done to deserve you,
because even if you’re never mine,
to me,
you’ll always be a masterpiece
Thank you for sharing this poem with us. I hope you found this review helpful.
What a bittersweet short story this is. I love the way you introduce your characters and the way you keep them all straight so the reader does not become confused.
I only found 1 tiny mistake. You need a period after Ms:
“Ms Wynn, I’m Laurie Busman with Writing Contest, Inc. Did you enter the “If I won a million dollars” contest?”
I peered into your port and found your Guidelines to Great Reviewing. BRAVO!!
I especially like this:
Reviews should be honest. Helping writers improve their craft is the mission of Writing.Com. Honest opinions are what help writers improve. Giving false feedback doesn't help anyone and can lead an author down a long road to bitter disappointment.
And this:
The rating should reflect the review. If you're sending a review full of corrections, it's important to consider that with your star rating selection. 5.0's shouldn't need any corrections. On the other extreme, a 1.0 should have endless errors and you couldn't possibly list them all. Offering to return and rerate the item after a round of updates makes it more likely your suggestions will be considered.
And this:
Incorporating these thoughts within your reviews will expand your own analytical skills allowing you to better analyze your own writing. Whether the author agrees with any of your suggestions or ideas is not relevant. You have given them another perspective on their work they would not have otherwise had. They may hear the same thoughts from a number of different people which may give them a better understanding of their readers as a whole.
This is a wonderful guideline that each reviewer should try to follow when rating/reviewing a fellow writer. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Welcome to writing.com, bagelboy. I read your monologue all the way through. Though interesting it's repetitive. When the reader is ready to laugh at some silly little thing, you overexplain yourself and that takes away the moment. I don't mind swearing, I do it myself. However, this piece has more swear words than needed to make it funny.
But that's just my opionion. Hope this review helps.
Welcome to writing.com, marriedgirl. Life's lessons are hard, you've learned that firsthand. My suggestions for your poem:
15 Pregnate, To young
change pregnate to pregnant and add another o to "to."
16 A mother, Its tough
Its should be it's.
Relizes that shes the most lucky person she knows...some people try all there life to be happy just for a moment, but she gets to be happy every time she looks at her sons face.
"relizes" should be realizes. "shes" should be she's. "sons" should be son's.
This story held my interest, yet the whole thing was 'told' rather than 'shown.'
For instance:
The shack consisted of only four small rooms. There was a tiny kitchen that was barely large enough for two people to fit into comfortably, a modest bedroom, a small living room and a bathroom that needed some major renovations before it could be functional. James made his way through the tiny shack stopping several times to look at the furniture that had been left behind by the thieves who had clearly ransacked the place years earlier. The smell of mildew emanated throughout the shack.
The story would better be 'shown' if the smell of mildew smacks him in the face as he enters the dwelling, not after he's been all through the place.
And here:
For only a brief moment, James began to wonder what he had done. But before he could even complete his thought, the window in the back of the living room caught his eye. He cleared away the spider web that engulfed the shattered window frame and was immediately struck in the face by the blinding rays of the setting sun. Unable to move, or to divert his glare from the scene that he found his gaze fixed upon, James watched the sun set over the Florida Bay for the next forty-five minutes, until the last ray of reddish-orange light was no longer visible.
It is not until the next paragraph, as a sort of afterthought that you mention:
He had seen the silhouettes of sailboats as they sailed into and away from the setting sun. And for the first time in his life, there had not been a single sound that had forced him to divert his gaze. No nagging voices, no beeping of horns and no cell phones.
These are just my opinions. But I feel that with some work this story could be very good.
this "sitcom" needs quite a bit of work. There is no real description, other than hot girl, another girl with legs, etc. She/he changes clothes but you only mention make-up. I think this was meant to be funny but I'm shaking my head in disbelief. Maybe it's just me?
CC Shea
This is a pretty good poem. The second stanza reminds of that scene in "Willy Wonka" when they are traveling through the tunnel on the boat.
I found myself wondering about the line "Return the filming to its case!" The words just don't quite fit there.
In 2nd to the last stanza when it seems that death is better than life, the line, "and feel the deathly mark," gives the reader, at least this reader, a sense of doom. Again, I may be the only reader who feels this way.
You asked for an honest critique and this is what I've tried to give you. I hope it helps
CC Shea
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