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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chall88
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4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Cassie Hall Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Ok this song has some potential. The line "Doormat for your dirty shoes" is great. And it's got attitude. However, your song needs its own identity.

Right now I'm thinking of a song that's about being alone and scared, and pissed off that other people are simply carrying on with their lives. Can you guess which one I'm thinking of?

How many thousands of songs are about the exact same thing? But how many of them tell the story that Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison" tells?

What I'm trying to say is, make your song a little more like Folsom Prison. Make it about the same thing that all the other f**k-off songs are about. But make it your own.

The guy cheated, right? What color was his hair? "This is gonna be the start of the end of my blues." Another fantastic line. I want to know, did he play XBOX? Did you two ever go to the park together? What about him made you cry for him, and then what about YOU made you decide to stop crying, and stop being a doormat for his dirty shoes?

'Cause I'm stuck in Folsom Prison... and time keeps, draggin' on...

Keep writing.
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Review by Cassie Hall Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Eeenteresting.

Who is this Daryl, hmm?

I liked the relationship between the main character and her brother- very real.

Good description throughout. It can occasionally use some condensing, however. For example: Ch 1 paragraph 4: "In the center of the room was an older man with a white lab coat on and a tie that had snowmen on it. He had light white hair, glasses, and slight wrinkles above his eyebrows. I could barely make out his nametag, but when I squinted I saw that it part of it read 'Merlich.'" The description about his tie is good, and his hair, and his wrinkles. Pick your favorite descriptors- condense that baby up!

Good read so far.
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