Overall: There were things I liked a lot about this piece and other things I didn't.
The world/universe building was excellent. Even from this short piece I got a very clear sense of the universe this took place in - a sprawling galaxy of worlds linked by the Societas ships. I was actually curious, though, as to whether the Societas was just a transportation guild or if it was a merchant guild (given the name of its leader.) On a smaller scale, the attention to detail was equally good. I got a very clear sense of all the locales, especially Europa. And the names were quite creative; definitely above par (although I wondered if the name Jonathan Rhyssa had any connection to the actor Johnathan Rhys-Davies – which is what sprung to mind when I read it...  )
My only real problem with the piece was its heavy reliance on narration. The prose itself was well written, but I felt it was too lengthy, especially for a piece this short. I wouldn't worry about it unless you wanted to get it published, but if you did, you might want to reinvision it and relate the story from a more active dialogue based style. The narrator is surrounded by her troupe all the way from the opening scene to Europa, yet there is almost no dialogue reported; if there are people there it's almost always a good idea to take advantage of them for dialogue.
Grammar: Very good. The one thing I noticed was that you could have replaced commas in some places with semi-colons or dashes, but tha's more a matter of formatting than grammar.
Plot Holes: Two pretty major plot holes.
1)Why did Halidax ask Rayna to meet him at the Grinning Prince? This made absolutely no sense to me. He was a bout to blow up the city, but he just thought he'd invite his old friend's daughter up there to gloat, then leave her to die? If she was some enemy of his it might make sense, but I didn't see what rationale he had to do that to her. You could solve it by having him try to recruit her, or save her from their attack out of feeling for her father, but something needs to be done to plug the hole.
2)Why did the Pater Mercatorum need a couple puppeteers to save his city? Why not send his security forces, like he sent Meris? I'm not saying this couldn't be worked around, but as it stood there was no explanation of why this was. One way you could get around this, for example, would be to say that Halidax had associates who would blow the charges if the security forces arrested him and they needed Rayna to infiltrate his group for them. You may have intended something like this, but you need to make it clear to the reader. I know the Pater says he wants to make sure they're going to do it before sending an army after them but with all the lives on the line this is a really weak explanation. Finally, why they sent Meris in as her back-up was, while entertaining, equally baffling. I'd think they would've had an entire platoon of commandos in his place
Really, since the plot is already more or less immutable, it's just a matter of justifying this rather improbable scenario and then clearly elucidating it to the reader.
The rest are the lines I noted as I read. Most of them are just questions of word choice and you can take them or leave them as you like, as few of them are really that severe crits:
*A standing ovation is very rare in this line of work, but when one does occur, you feel like a nothing else can ever go wrong again.
*Backing up the files for the set, I closed the kiosk lid and switched it off.
Perhaps kiosk has another meaning of which I'm not aware. I always thought of it as something like a pavillion or small vending stand.
*I grabbed the handle, real leather, it was my father's on Old Earth, and began to carry it towards our caravan.
Perhaps you could reword or simply format this differently, with dashes or () around 'it was my father's on Old Earth'. It seems a little off as is.
*Our stage was carved by the legendary Rom'mar'Elsit
Great name.
*Straight above us, one of Ceti's four moons gleamed brightly, giving almost enough light for us not to need glo-orbs and, helping to strengthen the atmosphere of mystery, the famous ridesh toads sung their subtle, ancient songs of courtship.
Leaning towards a run-on, but probably OK.
*Twenty minutes later, we carefully descended into the commercial parking slots of the Cetian Orbital Port Authority Docking Station, or COPADS to the acronym-inclined Cetians called it, and quickly booked a passage to the docking ring with the small drone that came around to us as soon as we landed.
Either:
COPADS as the acronym-inclined Cetians called it,
or
COPADS to the acronym-inclined Cetians,
*It buzzed off importantly and came back a few minutes later with our infra-red beacon, which it applied to the side of our caravan
I kept wondering whether indeed they had a caravan or only one large vehicle.
*we felt the massive power build under the floor beneath our feet and suddenly, after a quiet warning from the drone, the platform shot up into the air, quickly leaving the steady ground of Ceti V far behind.
I wanted a little better description of the 'vater. Was it full of other vehicles? Was the roof clear (you say next that they could see the stars)?
*It was for one of these metaphorical life ropes for mankind that we were headed.
Nice metaphor. I just wonder if it could be rewritten somehow. I found it just slightly awkward (maybe it was just the two 'for's in the sentence.)
*After an hour of making our way through the labyrinthine Cetian customs I realized one thing, the people like their planet.
I was a little confused by this line at first. Maybe it's that they were leaving the planet and customs is usually only tight when entering a place, unless they are uptight about visitors taking things FROM their country/planet. Also an example of where you could replace a comma with a semi-colon, colon, or dash (I'm really not a grammar buff, so I'm not sure which...)
*Luckily, I had none of that tendency and was particularly comfortable under the stars.
Just a tad awkward or wordy. Maybe:
'Luckily, I had never suffered from that affliction' or 'Luckily, I was not one of those.'
I don't know. It's really fine, I just thought it could be improved.
*"Well, hello Madame Geress. It has been a long time hasn't it?" he said with a definite unpleasant accent on the "long."
It was at this point I realized I had no idea who the narrator was. Her name or even that she was female. Nothing wrong with this, but if that wasn't really intentional you could slip the information in earlier.
*Europa glittered in the diffused light like a perfect sapphire on a sheet of nullux fabric.
Beautiful imagery.
*On the surface of the ice world, lights marked the outward boundaries of cities but not the downward.
The phrase 'but not downwards' is awkward. Maybe:
'The lights glittering on the surface of the ice world marked the outward boundaries of cities, but gave no hint to their true dimensions beneath the ice.'
Or something like that. Just think it should be reworded.
*No one's attention was on the Jovian though, for we had all seen gas giants before but none of us had ever been to Europa before, except for me. Once, many years ago with my father when he was performing for the father of the current Pater Mercatorum.
Reword/reformat. Maybe:
No one's attention was on the Jovian though, for we had all seen gas giants before but none of us had ever been to Europa before. Except for me - once, many years ago with my father when he was performing for the father of the current Pater Mercatorum.
That's just one example. But regardless I think the comma before 'except for me' should be replaced with a period or semi-colon and the last sentence, I'm pretty sure, is not complete.
*Finally, the Ansola had attached itself to the docking ring and its crew signaled that it was safe to depart.
*After waiting in line for almost three hours, we were allowed to descend to the planet's surface in the 'vator that was more extravagant than Ceti's.
Reword – awkward/sloppy. That is, don't just tack on 'in the 'vator that was more extravagant than Ceti's.' No need to wax poetic, just reword so it doesn't sound like an afterthought.
*It was a crowded place, with a few other h-puppeteer caravans like ours, of course, but there were also a few of the famous Europan merchants in their resplendent cloaks and robes, a large group of dirty belt miners, here to sell their ore and check out the Thousand Days, and there were even some of the fanatics from their desert monasteries on Mars, dressed in their dark scarlet albs.
Run on sentence. Just break it up.
*Picking our way through the crowd, which we found is slightly difficult with a large vehicle, we finally reached the large, looming caravan exit
*Attached to the underside of the continent of ice which form the surface of the moon, they hang like massive distended icicles down into the depths of Europa’s freezing ocean.
More great imagery. I wondered, however, on some of the specifics. Were the buildings directly exposed to the waters? How did people move abut between buildings? Were there no open areas, like you'd have if the buildings were in a dome? (I get the feeling that there were open areas and streets, so were they inside really large buildings?)
*It also held the newly constructed Avenue of Cultures, so named by the Pater Mercatorum because he had hoped to inspire the disparate sections of humanity.
Expand slightly. Inspire them to what?
*He looked annoyed for a second, but then started the caravan and we moved on into the gaps between the towering buildings, floating on Eramis’s artificial EM field.
Again, how are there open spaces between buildings if they stick directly into he ocean? Plus what is the EM field and what is it's function (I think I get it – but I'm still trying to get a visual on the city)?
*Even though the last few days had since we had arrived on Europa had been hectic with settling into our new rooms, setting up our stage in the theatre and rehearsing the new Tackeradd in whatever free time we had, we felt we were ready for anything.
*I decided that, to give my troupe a little rest, I scheduled our first performance for the day after the festival began as to give them some time to rest and relax and enjoy a show or two.
Either replace 'I scheduled' with 'to schedule' or reword:
'To give my troupe a little rest, I decided to schedule our first performance for the day after the festival began as to give them some time to rest and relax and enjoy a show or two.'
*Suddenly, the skin of his palm writhed and boiled before, in front of the gasping crowd, a small humanoid figure seemed to pull itself from out of the hand.
Great imagery! This whole scene was great.
*They cheered and clapped as they began to line up to drop virtual coins into the happy performer’s back account.
Bank account?
*“I hope so, Allen. I’d love to catch up on old time with you. You’re one of the only ones left from the old days with my dad,” I answered, shaking his hand one more time and then beginning to head off down the street to look for more entertainment.
Replace 'answered' with 'said'. It wasn't really an answer of any kind, just a response to his comments. (I'm a big believer in using 'said' unless absolutely necessary.)
*“I have a favor to ask you, Rayna. I am working on a certain project with which I need some assistance. I can’t talk about it now, but if you would meet me in the Grinning Prince on the surface level of the city tomorrow morning, I can talk more then. But remember, this is important,” he said quickly and quietly before turning and scurrying into the crowd before I could stop him.
Replace 'But remember, this is important' with 'It's important'. This is the first time he's mentioned that it's important (and it's more concise.)
*his capture by an evil pirate, his meeting of the beautiful Erin
Is the 'of' necessary?
*He must be mistaken, I thought, I [haven't] hven’t met anyone unusual except for…
*I need you to keep your meeting with him and make sure he is going to go through with [th]is and then try stop him.
Again, beside replacing 'is' with 'this', I find this explanation of her mission to be unbelievable.
*I muttered and was about to stand up and leave when he appeared as suddenly as he left, he appeared again.
Strike either 'he appeared again' or 'he appeared as suddenly as he left'.
*Since then, however, the old surface section of the city had decayed into a slum and had even been all but abandoned by [respectable] normal people [folk?].
Just a couple suggestions...
*There was a large rusted metal door with a peeling painting of a large grinning face, the Prince, I assumed.
Break up/re-format.
*Its grin said more than anything else he could have as a greeting. It leered, making me almost sick to my stomach, a perversion of the mask making profession. Only a very disturbed person could have had enough feeling to make that thing.
Nice description, but it also bothered me. For one, while it's not a problem, why was he wearing a mask? And the reference to the mask making profession was interesting but seemed like a non-sequitur (except for them all being artists). I guess I just wonder if the section could be reworded somehow. If no one else mentions it then don't worry about it...(I really liked it, just thought it felt a tad off)
*The power over humanity has been resting in this frozen little nothing of moon for far too long.
Awkward. Reword.
'This frozen little nothing of a moon has controlled the fate of humanity for too long.'
Or really anything. Just don't like 'The power over humanity has been resting'
*My parents were relatively low level bureaucrats who lived here, in the upper levels, when they were slightly more fashionable than you see them now.
*However, he turned away seconds later and began to walk towards Halidax who continued to cover me with a sliver gun he had previously drawn.
Don't just slip in that he had drawn the gun earlier. Actually show him drawing it when he does.
*He turned towards me, pointing his gun again, when there was the hiss of slivers again and his mask exploded. The twisted grin was torn and rent as the tiny metal splinters attacked the fragile derriswood.
Couple things. One, I don't like the term 'attacked'. In general, people and animals attack. Inanimate objects shatter, destroy, obliterate, etc.
Second, unless the mask covered his whole head, I didn't see how it could have been hit from behind – you say he had turned towards Rayna, yet somehow Meris shot his mask, and I assume Meris was behind him at this point. I may just be visualizing it wrong.
*[Below] Blow me, in sharper focus than the panoramic view of the city, was the pod, on which I was quickly gaining.
*A second later I realized that it had been Halidax's hand smashing into my ribcage.
Read nicely, I just wondered if she would have felt the punch before she heard it
*I reached inside my jacket pocket and drew out a small matte black cube.
Don't have her withdraw the cube – have her activate it while it's still concealed. I didn't understand why Halidax was so confused by the hologram when she had clearly pulled the cube out and activated it. Had she done it without him seeing, I can see him being a lot more shocked.
*The ladder fell down in front of me and so, more surprisingly, did a hand.
Why was there a ladder this time? Was it there when she first arrived? Is it there because the pod was damaged? Speaking of which, is the pod part of the 'vator? (The Pater told her to take the 'vator to the Grinning Prince.)
*If I had not just done what I did, I would have been surprised. But, in my condition I was not really surprised in any way.
Wordy. Maybe:
'I should have been surprised, but at the moment nothing would have surprised me.'
*"After the shooting you must have heard, Halidax attacked the door and ran inside and…"
Again, I don't like 'attacked'. Maybe 'broke down' or 'shot in'. Plus is there an atmosphere on the surface of Europa?
*The next thing I know, you're trying to crawl up the side of the hatch like a ridesh toad up a garden wall."
Does this refer to the ladder? If not, what? And if, again, why was there a ladder there?
***
As I said, the above comments are all pretty minor. For the most part, you can ignore them or not as you wish. I just didn't want to leave any out in case they could be of use.
**
Really, the only problems I had were the two plot holes and the over-abundance of narration. But, truthfully, even thought I thought the narration was too thick, in and of itself, it was well done. |
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