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1
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In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I'll try to see if I can figure this out. If you think I'm doing a ridiculous job, you're probably right. Just so you know, I have this certificate from the Poetry Immersion School of Scholars. I didn't get a gold star on it like some of the other graduates. My name's in crayon. I mean, I get it. Sometimes, you know, you just start to run low on office supplies. They did use yellow, though, and you can barely read it. I started to try and trace around the letters, but I thought it didn't look quite as fancy.

Anyway, enough about me. I'm just trying to make sure you understand my level of poetry knowledge just so there's no question.

So the first line begins with it's dark outside and you're out there, is what it's saying. Okay, setting the scene. Starting to wonder where it's going. Is it scary?

Next line: It's not to cold nor to warm but just right

I just now noticed the to has one 'o'. I don't know if that's on purpose or not, but it happens 2x in quick succession. This line also automatically reminds me of Goldilocks.
I wait in the shadows until she gets off work. Okay, so she works pretty late. Gets home after dark, I take. It's dark enough she can't see in the shadows, I take it.
Uh oh! Then you start going all Hitman on her! Good thing there aren't any other employees around. Maybe she works at a gas station and parks out back.

Then you kick her in the back of the leg... she... Is there supposed to be something sexual here? If that's what you're going for, I think you've hid it well.
And then you allude to capital Agent 47. I've never played that particular game, but I know he uses a garrote a lot.

Well, I'm having a hard time getting the meaning out of this. If this is cathartic, just meant to be a release of emotions for you, I hope you're not too hurt by the breakup, there buddy. Never give someone that kind of power, I'd say.

I liked the poem. A little scary. Keep it up!
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Most of the time I find that I don't enjoy articles or how-to's. There are a number of them that I read from one particular author on here, however, because he has some excellent advice as well.

What I find when reading most items like this is a lack of engaging content. This was a great read. Not only did you express your opinion well, but I liked the way you tied it up. This reminded me of a lesson taught by one of those English teachers I was especially fond of while growing up. You know, the ones who knew how to hold your interest and kept you excited because they were thrilled to be teaching English and had a true passion they wanted to share.

I haven't thought about synopsis much. In fact I may have been under the impression that many are drafted by the publishing house but now that I think of it, maybe that sounds silly. But then again, they do handle the artwork on the covers...

In either case, regarding the approach of using a teaser versus a plain synopsis or description it seems clear that the teaser will have more appeal. Why have I written descriptions instead?

I will definitely refer to this when taking another look at one of my own. Great work.
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Review of INvasion  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I don't know if I've reviewed your work before now. I saw this on the Please Review page. A few times actually. There's no telling what kept me from actually reading this before but I thought I'd give it a shot. I will tell you that as a reviewer, I lean toward more criticism than positivity. I'm convinced that criticism is the most helpful, especially when given respectfully. There is no malicious intent behind this, of course. The goal is to hopefully express my perspective in a way that may give you a chance to improve your general work or at least this piece.

There are some good word selections in this. The language was readable, easy to follow along. I felt the events were set forth at a good pace. You know how to keep a story rolling.

My biggest criticism is that I don't feel this story offers anything really knew. From the MC's almost clinical attitude in his relation of the harrowing events to the mistaking of the dubiously terrible presence of the parasites for delusion to the very plot that reminds me so much of body snatchers I find that I'm a little disappointed. One may get Deja Vu from reading this, but they would be mistaken if they thought it was for no reason. They have indeed heard this story before.

There were a few mistakes. I won't point out what I saw unless you request it. Seemed like there were some run-on sentences throughout. The way the MC narrates may be too polished. It didn't sound like a person. What it sounded like was writing which is going to happen, but it may have gone too far in that direction. I noticed that you began many clauses with 'for'. It just sounds too stilted when you do that. It's more excusable in Fantasy though.

I'm going to leave it at that. I don't have much else to say except that these are only my opinions. I realize I may be wrong on several fronts or just contrary but I hope this helped. Regardless of any flaws I opined, I enjoyed this.
4
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This was great. I like the subtle hints given about the characters and how we get to know them without too much departure from the story itself. You did very well with the limited word count. You kept the writing simple and the story was very exciting. The conclusion wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I'm actually working on a story with a somewhat similar ending if I ever finish up that second part.

Your writing was simple, nothing too flashy, and it got the job done. This isn't a story where a bombastic style is going to help you and you kept the narrative voice well in live with Jim. It meshed well with him which always needs to happen in a third person limited which I believe this was.

There were a couple of places where I thought some change would be beneficial, but I've chosen to forgo mentioning this because I think those places worked out well after all.

This is actually my second time reading this. And then I went through a third to look for errors. You did a great job of keeping things rolling and I was never bored. It never felt rushed and it certainly never felt weighed down by descriptions, so great work.

I hope you don't mind me copying your writing here. I had a few things I wanted to mention that may help:

'Either way, his life had not panned out how he'd expected, and last year was the worst.' - I feel that there should be something after 'worst'. Like 'worst year' or 'worst of it'. It just sounds like it's cut short.

'At the intersection, he checked for oncoming traffic then drove through the red.' - after traffic, there may need to be a comma. I feel a pause there.

'a crowd came into view. All had dark skin, and the women wore headscarves.' - I thought that this was so pointed that it was a little distracting. I thought that maybe the information you're trying to relate to the reader could be done a little more gracefully. Also, headscarf is fine. Hijab may be another option to consider.


Most of the dialogue sounds pretty real. I thought this bit sounded out of place though: "“We're it for now.” - It might be improved if it was something like, "We're the first on the scene. Others are on their way (or backup's en route)." Something like that. I saw that you actually used en route further down but I'm not sure a hyphen is used there.

'he reflected on how, over the past year, he'd been unfair to his adult daughter'- I think this bit may sound a bit better if it didn't say adult daughter. I understand why it's there and it's important information but it seems like it is too conspicuously placed here, almost to the point of distraction. If you could allude to it somehow, I think it would be a potential improvement.

'He crept slowly toward his door, which opened onto a corridor' - I think 'into' may work better here than 'onto'

'A tear ran down...' - This is about all we get. With the limited word count available, it may be difficult but I thought it would be nice to see the play of emotions on this particular person's face.

I'm not sure if Jim is using a shotgun but it seemed that way after they loaded up. I was just thinking that I'm not sure this would be the safest gun to use in this situation. But I'm no cop or anything and I've never been a fan of this particular type of gun. Never owned one.

Fantastic work. Good luck with this.
5
5
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Interesting start to a story. Lots of long-winded sentences though. This is almost entirely exposition. Exposition usually isn't as exciting as it is and when it's filled with many protracted sentences, it can make the work a little less enjoyable to read. I liked the message in the second to the last paragraph. I thought it was executed well and it was an interesting way of explaining Throson's lack of aspiration. The ending seemed almost to come out of nowhere, particularly the last four words.


This really could use a bit of tidying up. It has a few errors. Everyone's work does. I need someone to spot errors I make and I'm usually almost embarrassed when I see what's pointed out. I'll try to help a little bit there:



'some think they will rise to the knighthood.' - should it just be 'rise to knighthood'


'the highest I would ever dream would to no longer' - '...would be to no longer?'

'We worked hard, ate little and moved often. We traveled a lot, ' - moved/traveled - a little redundant

'Looking back now I see our comings and goings as something different than I did then, I now see it as a path of retreat from a pursuing foe.' - I think it might be worth considering using something different than a comma to separate these two sentences.

'for selling what little we had Including her' - capitalized 'Including' for some reason. Just a small typo. Everyone has them. I think you need a comma after 'had'.

'There were perks to being the black king I guess.' - comma after king is needed. Also, do you think black king should be capitalized maybe? I'm not sure myself. Just thought I would bring it up.

'As I said, at birth I was sixteenth in line meaning, I had fifteen older half-brothers' - I think the comma you have after meaning should be before 'meaning' instead. I mean that it should be after 'line'.

'When it was discovered, how well positioned the little town was many wealthy lords tried setting it up as their lands and in doing so called more lords to the area' - Huh? Actually, I think I just caught on. There's supposed to be punctuation after 'was, correct?

'You may think that I came to call Lord Farthrows manner to be my home' - Apostrophe needed for Lord Farthrow's. I think it may be needed for Stones Corner but I'm not sure what the meaning is supposed to be. I could be wrong about that one. Wasn't going to mention it at first.

'A bruise free servant' - you need a hyphen.

The entire next paragraph has several errors in the first three or so sentences.

'SorinGard' capitalized as it is almost looks like it could be the name of a Swedish ski manufacturer.

That's all I have. It was a nice read and I found that I was more interested in the world than the character's backstory, but it shows a lot of promise.
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Review of Immortal Tear  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very short and to the point. It's an interesting idea for a story. I liked the ending. I thought it was a good way to draw to a conclusion. Some of the writing was very good. Some of the writing seemed like you were sacrificing the flow and sometimes comprehension for style.

I have some specific areas I've picked out for you below that I think deserve another look:


Alone alive forever in despair and well-deserved. - I would think of changing it. Sounds like there's a dangling modifier in there or something. Maybe to 'Living alone forever...' - This also may be better suited if it was combined with the prior sentence.


"So for a thousand years, I shouldered this cross, for death has no company." - This is close to what you said in the first sentence a short time before. That sentence also ended with a clause that began with 'for'. I always thought it was a pretty stilted-sounding way of writing a sentence when you either begin a sentence or one of the clauses with 'for'. I think it's a little more appropriate in fantasy, however. That's just my own opinion though.


"Lifeless I found within my home all I held dear, no tears of my shame did I shed." This sounds like Yoda's talking.


"I could not consider my own extinction; it was unfortunate that I was what remained of all humanity." - I liked this bit. I thought it was clever.

"My children became fruitful multiplied and spread to the stars." - Should it be fruitfully?

Other than that, you're missing some commas and you're putting commas outside of the quotation marks for some reason.

It's a very good premise. I'd read the story if it was more filled out too. Definitely.
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Review of Homecoming  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was starting to sound a little like Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 there for a second. I just saw it so that's why it's probably the first thing that comes to mind. That and maybe My Teacher Flunked the Planet. Haven't read that one in a while though. In like 20 years...

Anyway, you got a lot done in a short number of words. Not an easy task so great work there. Although the storyline seemed to be pretty implausible you pulled it off.

However, this line sounded a bit campy: "“Yeah, the whole fleet. They’ve been studying us, me and a few others. The Earth is scheduled for destruction.” - The rest of the dialogue was done well. To me, this seemed a bit contrived.

Your style was very simple and it worked out great here. The voice of the viewpoint character was very strong and I see an underlying message here. I think its very clever the way you made an uncanny concept somehow feel real and even sad there at the end.


Here are some potential errors. I'm no expert, but this may be helpful.


"Sure, we did okay but the twelve hour days, sometimes seven days a weak…it killed her" - week

'“She’s dead,” I answered plainly. “No thanks to you.”' - It's not as biting of a retort with the 'no thanks to you' part. That actually doesn't really make sense. If it was "She's alive," .... "No thanks to you." I think that would make more sense.

"“She’s dead,” I answered plainly. “No thanks to you.”'

"Ten years away and he shows up at our door, claiming to be abducted by goddam aliens" - Goddamn


I’m sorry I doubted you dad. ~ I'm sorry I doubted you, Dad.




Again, fantastic job. A fable really
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This adequately explains the start of a story. I will say that it's not particularly interesting. The prologue focuses on a girl who found out that despite her seemingly stalwart dream of becoming a ballerina, she lacked talent.

It came to her one day that she had been deceived. This brewed in her a bitterness and distrust that would grow. The rich girl became downtrodden, crestfallen, and unpleasant. Absolutely poor company. Boys liked her because she had curves but to paraphrase what you're saying it's decided that she would make a poor partner for the same reason because of the attention it would draw from the leering lecherous.

I didn't feel especially intrigued by the predicament of the girl or the boy or by the personality of either. Still, there was some potential here for a good story but I'm not sure the drama that exists here is particularly provocative. I don't see a reason to read on. I don't feel any mysterious or suspense. As far as I know, there is simply a girl who is "a f____ing disaster." And a boy who has to see her from time to time.

What I will say I like is that these two feel very real. They COULD be real for all I know. They would be good characters to have in a story but I'm not sure that I personally would be likely to find my time invested in reading about the drama that will or may follow. They are very pronounced, however.

There is some drama between the parents of the two. This particular bit seemed a little hard to swallow but it was interesting all the same. Sort of droll. I felt I shouldn't think this was funny but I did for some reason. Either way, liked it but it didn't sound plausible. But it is a story after all.

I liked it overall.
9
9
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is all very fast. Quite a bit happens in a short period of time.

Justice sits in a saloon. He leaves the saloon eventually and confronts two men and fires on one. The other runs into the Mayor's office. Palmer, who I guess is the mayor, sits in the office for two hours. The rain eventually stops. Palmer steps out with three men, one being the man who had fled from the prior gunfight. They have a small exchanging of words. For some reason, they see it as fit to talk to each other about how they're going to kill each other when they're all armed

Anyway, I thought this all could have taken place over 20 pages and this was probably closer to 20 lines. Sometimes a fast pace is the way to go. I was definitely excited to see what happened next. I would have liked for there to be more description though. I don't have a clue about any characters aside from who is directly involved in the story. I don't know if there are any townsfolk or not or if the town is completely empty.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I'm no expert on writing or grammar or anything like that. I try to include some hopefully helpful suggestions. Please see below and understand I am full aware that I may be incorrect and intend this to be something you may be able to use to your benefit


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"The saloon was just enough cover from the elements" - Why wouldn't it be? Also, is there such thing as too much cover 'from the elements'?

"He walked out into the pouring rain, his duster covering his Winchester rifle that was cocked and ready to fire." - How was that done exactly? Sounds dangerous.

This bit here:

"He knew it was a matter of time before Palmer would come out of his office.
It would be two hours before Palmer exited his office, flanked by the younger man that barely escaped death earlier and a much larger man. Justice drew on the small cigar in his mouth and stepped out into the street. The streets were muddy and the rain had stopped a short time before. He stood in the middle of the street and called out to Palmer."

- Starts off by saying it will be a matter of time. Next, it says it was two hours. These seemed to be too similar to one another in my opinion. The next three sentences all say 'street' and I think that could benefit from a change.


"Palmer put his hand on the bigger mans chest and nodded at him before stepping into the moonlight." - Should be 'bigger man's'


You should group the sentence describing the action and the subsequent dialogue in the same paragraph:


Justice shook his head slowly.
“That man is dead.”
Palmer laughed.
“Planning your own funeral Richmond?”



“Seems I underestimated you Richmond.” - Needs a comma after 'you'.

“Planning your own funeral Richmond?” - Missing a comma for the same reason as above.


"Palmer shivered but didn’t lose his composure." - Wouldn't shivering constitute losing your composure? If not, what would?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This was a fun little bit of writing. I hope you fill it out a bit. I used to have a hard time putting out enough content to make my stories. Now I have a harder time being more concise for some reason. This was enjoyable.
10
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I'm interested in seeing what happens later on. Quite a bit happens in a short amount of writing and yet it didn't feel rushed. I think that takes a certain type of talent I lack. My guess is that she somehow gets transported back in time. I don't think this is meant to have some kind of sinister undertone but maybe you're hoping the reader may think that anyway. Build the suspense and all that. But maybe it does have some kind of a horror component there waiting at the end, I can't be sure.

Sometimes people don't appreciate it when I spot errors but you seem open to this. I try not to too strongly suggest how to fix things because I think that takes away from your joy as a writer potentially or maybe stifles your imagination so I'll steer clear of that. Well, there's a few things here you could take a look at. Let me know if you think I'm crazy. You wouldn't be the first and I'm certainly no expert.


The weather suddenly turned chilly. Jessica turned up the collar of her coat and leaned into the wind.

- I would be more specific - Did it turn chilly because the wind had started to blow? I'm guessing this is the case but I can't be certain. I would try not to use the word 'suddenly' but in rare cases and definitely not in your first sentence.

Your changing perspective from third person to first person here: ""Morning!" I feigned in return.
It's been her or Jessica, not I before.

"The store smelled of cinnamon and age." - Did you mean cinnamon and sage?

"A cold chill ran up her spine." - A little too familiar.

"She felt a bit dizzy, and had leaned on an old radio in it's gleaming wooden case." - it's should be its.

That's all I had for you. If you have more of this, I'd be happy to take a look. I like responding to review responses. I'm pretty open to it and I do hope this is helpful.
11
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Review of Inception  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, I don't know what I'm talking about half the time so keep that in mind. I try to help other writers in the same way I want to be helped. I offer almost invariably more negative feedback than positive feedback. There are a lot of reviewers on this site who will pat your back and give encouragement. And that is good, but I try to point out, hopefully constructively, where I believe room for improvement may be. Take it with a grain of salt, realize that I realize I'm no expert and please try to take good from it to help you improve. I will say nice things as well. There are plenty that can be said of this.

This story seems like something written for a young adult. I was left with a lot of questions. This was very open-ended and I don't know enough of what's happening to say I grasp the story. However, your development of the plot was intriguing enough that those questions you left me with were enough to leave me wanting answers. You really did some good work here.

This was easy to read, easy to understand and reminded me of a mix between gosh, I don't know, Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere and the Hunger Games series I would think.

As I was saying, I'm unsure where you're headed but it sounds interesting. As we often see, there is a foreshadowing of events by a prophecy or omen or what have you. This one came from a Gypsy. I think there was one from a psychic of sorts in Neverwhere in the first chapter. Anyway, that happens a lot. Apparently, you can still get away with it and it didn't hamper your story. Your story was still interesting and I had an idea something like this may happen and I enjoyed 'watching' it play out.

At the start of this, the writing didn't seem as well thought out. It picks up though, and around the time we meet the Gypsy, the writing was mostly very good I thought. It was very crisp, well-paced and engaging. Before then, it felt as though you as a writer wanted to rush to get there. And not just because there were snarling dogs on the trail.

Very interesting start to a story. I want to know more and I think you might have some interesting ideas ahead. However, I almost wonder if I'm left with too many questions.

One more thing I want to say is that there was an atmosphere to your story. You didn't go into too much detail in describing the scene, but I felt something from it. Something intangible and which I can't put into words. Your setting simply had character and not just character but unique character and I struggle with that.


Below, I've picked out a few bits of your writing that I wanted to point out to you.


In keeping with a consistent tense for your story, "I ran for what felt like hours, but in reality, only minutes have elapsed..." maybe should read as "I run for what feels like hours..."

I don't get it, is she eating as she's running? "My shoes are sinking into the mud, deeper with every step..."


She has dogs chasing her. I'm not sure why she's suddenly so lackadaisical about climbing that darn fence. The verbs used make it sound that way. "I approach the fence, feeling the cold metal against my skin. I press my hands, searching for the perfect link to begin climbing. Bracing my hands, I start moving my feet around, looking for a section to support my footing.My boots can't seem to find a sturdy spot. I am struggling to keep my steps consistent..." You also need a space there after the period.

"I keep searching with diligence, checking every chest, cabinet, and table I came across" I think it should be "come across"

"Fear surges through my body..." In the previous paragraph, you had anxiety coursing through your viewpoint character's body. Not long before that you had "My blood is racing through my veins". I would switch it up somehow considering this. I would expect her blood would be pumping. She's clearly alive and exerting herself. If you want to talk about it, maybe somehow convey how it feels exactly. Just a thought.

Similarly, "Faint marks of paint on the doors suggest..." and "A faint noise of bells drags across the dirt." are sentences essentially beginning with that same adjective in adjacent paragraphs. I didn't know what you meant by the bells drags across the dirt part either. Does that mean the bells are dragging or the sound? If it's the sound, that might be a descriptive stretch in my opinion.

Would you be willing to consider removing the semicolon here?: "The warm glow of candlelight is making the glass dance in a way; I can't help but find intoxicating" I'm not sure it fits.

"Three times, is a charm, isn't it?" - I'm not a grammar master. I'm definitely not a comma master for that matter, but I thought the first comma may be in need of omission.

In this next part, I just felt I was missing something. The main character makes an assertion based on what the Gypsy professes. It seemed like a bit of a leap to me. I don't know how she took it to mean that others being punished meant she was forming an alliance with someone. I understand associating with someone reprehensible may spell trouble, but the reverse logic seems somehow flawed. Maybe if we could get a glimpse of how the viewpoint character worked it out in her head, it would be easier to follow? Or maybe I'm just being dense. Or maybe I'm not supposed to fully understand because clearly there are elements of this story you've chosen not to reveal intentionally which if I can understand might mean I'm not supposed to understand her assertion quite yet. Or maybe it was because of the Tarot card? I don't know anything about Tarot cards... Anyway, here was the part I was talking about: "Ahh, I see. Very well then, "I must warn you, this game has evolved. Your mistakes will not go unpunished, and failure will not only affect you, but others will suffer. Are you willing to gamble their fate also?"
Others? But how? The rule states alliances are not permitted.'"

Overall, an enjoyable read. There's always room for improvement but you clearly have talent. I really hope this was helpful. If you want to refute anything I've said, feel free to do so. Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed it.
12
12
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is almost like a poem. But... is it? I'm pretty bad with that kind of thing.

I've never read anything written about a color or lack thereof depending on which application your thinking of as you have here. It's profound and fun. Any mistakes that may exist here were overlooked in favor of your style consuming my attention. This was great work, both for how it was written as well as the simple and well thought out ideas expressed. I really liked this.
13
13
Review of Serine Sarah  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Not everyone is as open to hearing other's opinions, especially when they differ from their own. I think some people would like to hear how perfectly they've done with their writing and get some good encouragement. I think encouragement is important but if everyone tells you simply that you've done marvelously, you may not stand to learn much. I rarely come across writing that I would find faultless. This isn't because I'm such a great authority on writing, just that I have an outside perspective and different experiences that may lend me my own opinion that is neither right nor wrong. I actually feel like I'm wrong most of the time, however.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I liked this. There wasn't much to the story that drove me on to want to read more in the way of compelling plot, I'll admit. I didn't find much apparently unique in the story or plot and I think this is important. However, you wrote this strategically, and in such a way that sentences and paragraphs would reference others to come leaving me to wonder what may come next and, of course and most importantly, in suspense as to the unraveling of the story. So you did that well all the same. You also made me care for the maudlin concerns of the main character somehow.

Forgive a meandering review.

The tone and language worked well and everything seemed to work together perfectly. Everything seemed to have been cut from the same roll of fabric and that's very tough to master. We have a story of a relationship that ended and the viewpoint narrator seems to be worse off for it. It sounds like things didn't work out well for Sarah so much either but we're still left to wonder at the end how "...the pressures of the world crashed down on her..." exactly. And, maybe more importantly, how Joanne turns out in the end, or maybe I should say how she will turn out in the end.

You may want to tone down on semicolons. I get it, you know how to use them.

By the way, I really liked this line: "her smile flooded her face with
vibrancy."

I'm seeing you didn't use a comma after well and the dialogue follows a certain patois or what not that I'm unfamiliar with. Are you British? I've read some 3 or 4 British novels in the last couple months or so and they didn't have commas after well either.

I don't really have much I can say about this other than that. I did find entertainment in reading it and part of that entertainment may have come from curiosity as to what is to come next. What more can you hope to achieve from your readers as a writer?

I wouldn't mind looking at more of your work if you didn't hate the review
14
14
Review of Death by Sight  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very clean writing.

Realistic, believable.

I liked the lawyer's approach. The way he artfully dismantles any argument for the case of Nora Baker as the murderer.

Even down to the way that he submits his conclusion at the end was clever. Clearly he shows no remorse for defaming the victim and I liked the irony behind the conclusion as well.

I try to offer some constructive criticism. I don't know that I have any really, so I'm sorry if I can't be helpful on that front. Although, a lawyer pronouncing the less desirable qualities of his own client, while surprising, has been done before in a few places. It didn't detract from this necessarily. It was just something I've seen before and it still fed into the monologue well.
15
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Review of Hell on Earth  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mari,

I don't have much to say about this in the realm of offering suggestion for improvement. The hell on earth isn't anything original or unheard of, but you paint a picture well and you explained this all magnificently.

You leave a few blanks unfilled but you give enough information that a reader could easily surmise what is going on. By doing so, you've written a short relation of events, but the subtext speaks volumes and informs wonderfully.

Very well written and a thoughtful expression of one very unfortunate woman's plight.
16
16
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I came across this by clicking the random review button.

This seemed to fly by very quickly. Having read it, I found that things seemed to jump around maybe a little too fast. I think putting a little more emphasis on a few things could have been helpful.

A relatively large number of events actually happen over the course of a page or two here. I feel that covering these events could easily have covered twenty pages worth of reading. Everything seemed so abrupt.

The dialogue could have been a little more thoughtful. The language seemed very plain and rushed.

You've got the start to an interesting mystery here.
17
17
Rated: E | (4.0)
On to the Thanksgiving stories it is.

This was pretty funny but a little cheesy. It reminded me of National Lampoon's Christmas whatever it was called with Chevy Chase. It worked well, though. You kept it light and humorous. Not to be taken too seriously of course. I got the impression that this story would take place in decades past.

There weren't any mistakes that stood out to me. I wasn't really keeping an eye out.

I liked how you kept things moving along mainly with dialogue. That made it fun.

I don't have any suggestions for improvement, really. I liked your choice in a title.
18
18
Rated: E | (4.0)
Too bad, you get a review

This was a comfortable, easy read. It wasn't terribly exciting at the beginning, but I was still interested in the shop and I liked the way you way you laid it out.

I noticed you put a majority of your focus in giving backstory rather than focusing on the here and now. You did this well and this is your own writing style. I won't say it's my preference to see less or more of this necessarily, but I know that some others may prefer to see more storyshowing rather than storytelling. I'm as guilty as any, if it is something to be guilty of. What matters is that you laid out the exposition in a pleasing way that was easy to digest, if maybe a little long-winded at times.

From the beginning, we learn that Amy is a total sweetheart, just waiting for something bad to happen to her. Cut to her lecherous husband and the obvious and accessible housemaid and we begin to see a plot forming.

Chapter 2 goes to her friend, a woman looking to advance her career in the culinary world even further by opening her own restaurant with hopes of attracting many far and wide with the renowned coffee-eyed chef Michel along with her own taste as a food critic to also draw some interest.

Somehow, I was lost at the start and failed to see how this tied in to the other chapter. I began to wonder if I was getting things mixed up. Maybe I should have been more attentive. Maybe something should be done to further pronounce these characters so I wasn't confusing them. Further in, I knew Amy and Bea were separate, of course, but I still didn't know who Bea was and I felt as though I was already invested in Amy. You make a mention of it at the caption at the top, but I didn't read that until I was finished with everything else and even if I had, I still wouldn't have retained who Amy was. Some mention of her (Bea) in the first chapter might help dumb readers like me not feel so thrown for a loop, but you really did a good job in that second chapter. I wasn't thinking of Amy by the end of it. I didn't like Bea as much as Amy though, but she pulled through in chapter 3. Much more affable by that point.

She seemed like a little bit of a jerk in Chapter 2.

Your style is very clean, functional, yet easy to read and it carries a strong tone. It was very cohesive and I could follow it easily.

I also like the way you advanced the plot. It just made sense. You could see some things coming, but you still did so in a manner that wasn't entirely predictable. I was utterly on tenterhooks at the end.

Great work. I'd be happy to read more.

Some possible mistakes (no expert here):


"Looking around at it now, it’s bare bricks"

Should be "its" - "its" shows possession, while it's means solely that it is. I make this mistake from time to time as well. It's an easy one to make, that's for sure!




'"...I can take as long as I want to walk home in the daylight tomorrow.” Amy said."
The period at the end of this sentence, I believe, should be a comma.



Well - British

Use of the word "WELL" at the beginning of a sentence usually comes with a comma afterward. This is British writing, however. 4 of the 6 books I've read in the last month or so were British, and I do recall that one of them had no comma after well in a bunch of examples. Cage of Bones was the name of it. Geez, I hated that book. But anyway, I don't know if there are different rules. I'm not British, but I thought I would bring that up.


bar tender -- >> Should be a conjunction, I believe. (British rules again?)

land rover -- >> Should be capitalized

Not a whole lot of mistakes. One that may have been a recurring one was the capitalization of your pronoun when followed by a dialogue tag.

I think it's supposed to be something like this, but don't quote me. I could be entirely wrong, but it might be worth your time to check! I wouldn't want to steer you wrong :|

"I said," he said.

"I said," she said.

"That's what she said," he said (probably).

Overall, fantastic. I really liked it and I think you pulled it off. I don't think it's too far off at all from being publishable, not that I'm an expert once again.

I hope you consider digging in to some other stuff on here. I'm not quite as new as you, but I'm still a bit new and I'm finding lot's of fun little exercises and contests to practice my writing skills with. Give it a shot! I hope to see you around.
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