Just to get the boring stuff out the way first...
Commas.
I'm positive that I use too many commas, so this is probably completely wrong but...
Noakhali's planet Metetar is inhabited with many beautiful creatures, some are harmless others however can be very fierce, and untamed.
Queen Teijrah had eyes, the color of nightfall dark violet, with a slender build. King Tryloh had eyes, the color of the trees a deep green that seemed to brighten depending on his mood.
In the first bit, I think that there should be a comma after 'harmless', to seperate it up. I would also put commas before and after 'however', but like I said, I'm sure I use too many.
In the second bit, I don't think those commas need to be there - they make it sound a bit different to what they should. THe Queen sounds like she has eyes of slender build...I don't think that's what you meant, lol.
Anyway, commas aren't that important to the overall story and I bet I'm not even right anyway, so on to more helpful stuff.
I like how you start with some info about the world and Noahkali's family. It's good as it sets the scene, and background info is always needed - especially in a long story like this.
One quick thing - I'm a little surprised that amidst all that info there didn't seem to be anything about No
hakali's personality or looks. I guess that's coming later.
The mention of Valdor seems quite sudden, and unrelated. MAybe you could just add something like 'approaching her home...". Just something small that will tie the two together.
It progresses really well, I like how you give out info on Noahkali piece by piece. It made the piece capture my interest - I wanted to know more!
This is a really good start to the story - lots of information, very interesting and entertaining. I'm looking forward to reading the other parts.
Write on!
And see, your punctuation isn't that bad. Just remember, power to the comma!! LOL
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/checkmate
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 9:10am on Dec 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
