The structure of question unanswered throughout the whole piece, finished off with an answer that disregards the original question of why? This is style.
I like the message of the piece.. it's a simple message, and too often we ask why, when the question is, who cares?
I wonder, is unrequited love that terrible.. you seem to have a healthy view of it. I like that. For myself, unrequited love isn't the issue as much as, what the unrequiting does to the unloved one... just more food for thought...
to me, true love can cope with unrequitted love... without it, it['s just hurt and obsession... yous eem to have gotten through with true love rather than unrequitted.. good on ya, I salute you...
This is a magnificent piece. I felt this, and i have enjoyed immensely your use of scented words. This piece has evoked memories of black leather, rose petal pages and musty words of wisdom.. you write it far better than I.
the last line is ambiguous though, 'and never reach the goal of my desire' perhaps not ambiguous, but suggestive.. do you not believe the gates are for you, what is the goal of your desire.. doesn't matter really does it...
I can ony say, if this could be transformed into not so much a short story, but a fairytale... the princess at the door sort of thing.
It's almost Rapunzel..... almost.
I like this story but I think it's a case of....
either fill the gaps by expanding on the moments. The opening paragraph is written well, has poetic, reative structure, some of the other paragraphs feel... static... Can't quite pin it.
It's like you've written in two different styles.. and I think the first paragraph has the style that works best.
I imagine this is a brief first draft. There is much taht can be done with this. The message is simple and holds well, it is very touching. I think however, that if you rewrite it in a single style, and I think this could work in the fairytale genre.. I really do..
I like this, keep writing, keep thinking, keep feeling don't lock the door... please...
I like the use of teething, my children teethed on ghost stories etc..., I think I'll use this sometime in my life, I like it.
Shrank for me sounds awkward, however, that's just dialect I think, shrunk works better with me, again, I'm of british descent that's all. May be a point to consider if publishing outside of u.s.
Nonplussed, Jessica responded with, If you can't take the heat, give it to someone else. I mean really Timothy, it's not as if the crowd would be quiet in a real game so you better get used to noise while you pitch". Turning her nose up, she began singing again, this time loudly just to make a point.
There needs to be a beginning quotation mark before "If you can't...
Outside of this, this is a nice commentary on story-telling. Well written, and a story within a story. I like it. I got lost in the story within the story for a while there, and I am tempted to ask ... can you tell the rest of the story tomorrow?...
You must have a heart for staring disaster in the face, triumph and tragedy in one day... this is great.
I can't critique such things as punctuation etc, as it's not necessary for this piece.
What should be remarked upon though is;
it's not often that cow dung is a pleasing read, it's a touchy subject and is often left in the hands of, well, those with baseless minds. This piece however, crafted well for a tasteless subject. Well done. I enjoyed the use of the characters, and whether this story is riction or not is irrelevant, this was a good read. Very enjoyable. And am at the moment raiding your port, so I ought to get a few more laughs. Nice comedic timing.
Oh Pony Tale, Your words, they jest,
they're mocking,
They cut the hearts, of many Gaelic Jocks
You have a knack, for pulling up
the stocking...
Of lazy minstrels
on the karaoke blocks..
Tis true tis true
You are the queen of parody
don't ever light..en up your sense of time
and you, and you
will win the hearts of comedy....
and smiles upon,
you, oh Pony Tale, oh Pony Tale.....
Nice piece. Is this a flash fiction? I presume it is, and have you entered it into a competition. If so...
Cat’s eyelids weighed heavy as drowning anchors WHEN her focus on her screen went quickly from sharp to blur. She’d been staring at the same spreadsheet for three hours now.
My only help that I can offer. WHEN rather than as, only because as you read it there are to points of 'as' (have I confused you yet?). two as's makes it hard to read, is my point.
Good luck if it's for competition, otherwise, keep up the flash fictions. I like it.
Well, I must say, without knowing what you mean by a partner that's treating her badly, (is it infidelity, physical abuse etc) not that it matters, I would suspect it is only her.
The thing with these types of songs, it's written directed to her partner, but I think it may be wasted effort. But that's really what abused women do in relationships isn't it, waste effort and try to salvage. I must admit, I'd be impressed with the partner if he heeded her call and did listen to her, but that isn't likely. Nice sentiment, but, in my view, wasted words.
Nice work with words though. Loyalty to the subject and such, no mechanical errors. I think the subject lets it down.
Never the less, you are always a good read Ann Ticipation
I'm not too sure, actually I'm certain, that I would never have put an Armadillo, a Manhatten Transfer Song, and a William Tell Legend all in the same verse.
Pieces of literature that theorise about our last thoughts before death often touch on, our loved ones. We end up reading through a tapestry of regretted love.
This however, the thought of avoiding our sins... wow.
Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but there is definitely darkness in my mood that wasn't there only moments ago. I'd better write it out.
Anyway, I am curious, is there a reason you have spelt night two ways in one piece. I can't find a reason for it, though I realise it may be deliberate.
This piece is a long plea. Are you by any chance a member of world vision?
If so, I support you. If not, perhaps you should be.
More to the point. Your work.
I enjoyed the content, the subject and the points you have made to grab my attention. And yes, to use parallel views to grab my attention, is a good tool.
That is, by putting that idea of poverty in my own home, is powerful, well done.
Repitition is good. That verse should stay.
I think there are a few moments of weakness in the piece..
Do you have a mind?
Will you stand and say no,
That no more will needlessly die?
Do your utmost to help mankind,
Use your power, make it not so,
Face their truth, stem the tears they cry?
For such a strong cry, I find...do your utmost to help mankind.. just a little weak. Try.. 'Get up and stop the death'... or something. You know, don't beg, order.
I do like this, but I believe it can be better, by being stronger. NOt a plea, but a command.
This piece addresses a simple issue that we all take for granted. And you have addressed it with style. People avoid the inevitable oncoming of death so I like this. Life and death belong together, but we need something to help us all prepare for this. This piece does that. I'll remember this piece for my children. Thank you.
If this isn't a plea for help, I don't know what is.
THis is a powerful piece, very powerful. I think the subject of this piece needs more than solitude, but rather, supervision. Even if he/she don't like it.
Well, I have learnt an immense amount on this page alone.
I am a newbie so this information is valuable. I love data analysis, data collection etc, so this for me, was easy to follow. I have experience in this.
What stumps me, is technical savvy. But I will save this page and refer to it often and refer it to others.
This really is important stuff.
Thank you all that put time and effort into all of this.
This is a nice simple description of a child missing her father. But it is contrary to well, let me say, the vocabulary is contrary to the writer of such a message. What I mean by that is:
I understand that it's for work,
but it's practically every day!
a child that would write this would at least be an elder teenager, say, 15. I don't know that an eight year old would say, I understand, let alone, practically every day. But I don't know that a 15 year old would say, 'dadi, dadi'. I may have the wrong world view here, but, the writing comes across as immature, but the understanding of the subject isn't. That is what I mean by, contrary.
Smooth the two. Either write the whole thing from the eight year old view (even if you're not eight) and use that vocabulary, 'dadi dadi, why aren't you home? Come home now (eight year olds are simple in their demands)
or the fifteen year old view, dad, dad, I've gotten used to this, and I feel you don't care.
Can you see the difference in tone? I hope I haven't offended, but I believe you can write this piece better so the reader can believe you. I do belive you by the way, it's just that the writing has betrayed you.
Just a thought, trying to be helpful.
Thank you for this and keep writing.
Chelseamaree
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