I thoroughly liked reading your Bible story. I enjoyed reading it, the way it is written in the present tense as if you were there as part of the crowd. It was well written.
A lovely message that reminds us about the love Jesus had for children.
It was interesting to read your internal rhyming poem. I like the rhyming scheme with the same rhyming words repeated in each stanza. It certainly emphasises the rhyme and shows me what can be done with such a poem. I enjoyed the rhythm and flow of your poem.
I love this poem. It has a gentle rhyme and a fluid flow which enhances the story within the poem.
This lovely poem reminds me of a similar scruffy dog we had once, acquired in very similar circumstances. We call it the RSPCA in Australia. We took two children with us to choose a dog and they fell in love with a scruffy long haired terrier. Needless to say we brought him home and he lived with us for the next 13 years.
I'm glad I read this poem. It brought back memories.
Hi Kalai,
I like this poem and I enjoyed reading it. It has a pleasing flow to it. "Disconnected From You" is thought-provoking with a sad note to it. Then towards the end there is a hint of hope leaving the reader to feel there could be a reconnection.
I like your use of metaphors particularly;
Tears puffed eyelids
hid views with a trail of salt.
I am but an amateur poet myself so I still have heaps to learn particularly when it comes to free form poetry. This is your poem so any suggestion are purely just that. Please feel free to ignore them if you don't like what I say.
I read this poem and I quite enjoyed the first two stanzas.
I realize that this third stanza or mini poem is meant to be bad but for me it doesn't work. Perhaps for this poem the third stanza should be rhyming in keeping with the first two stanzas.
You can still make your point and say in your own way that there will be no more rhyming poems from you because you are now free.
Keep on writing poems. It was fun to read your bad poem.
My name is Cherry Mac
I am a very inexperience poet so any suggestions I make, please feel free to ignore them if you are not keen on them. After all this is your poem.
I read your beautiful poem. It reads like a payer and I enjoyed reading it.
In the third line I would be inclined to write always instead of ever.
In the second stanza write (In) in front of sickness
In the fourth stanza to prevent writing never fails twice maybe the last line could be;
Your immeasurable love prevails
In the last stanza I would leave the word (all) out. You don't need it
For me the last line seems too long. perhaps you finish that line at (me) then a double space and write the rest of that line alone. You start your poem with a single line as a stanza so it would look and read well. Perhaps;
A wide river of mercy.
Any suggestions are my personal opinion only. Please leave it as it is if you prefer. I would not want to change your poem too much because it already has a fluid low to it.
It was my pleasure to read your lovely poem. Keep on writing meaningful poems.
Hi,
I really enjoyed reading your poem. You have incorporated the word 'atavistic" extremely well.
I saw this word written for use in the contest and I must say I thought it was a hard ask.
You have not only used it but your well written poem reminds me of the predators of the concrete jungle. Maybe we all still have a cave woman inside us.
I noticed one small spelling error; entrance
I enjoy the rhythm of your poem.
Thank you for sharing. Keep writing interesting poetry.
Hi Mangadude,
I've just read Manna in the Wilderness. This is a thought-provoking piece of writing which seems to start as prose evolving into an intriguing poem.
You are a talented writer and I love your use of metaphors and imagery.
This piece seems to provoke the reader when reading the anger and resentment towards the church. Yet it makes me question if it is easier to be church-going Christian in an area where we feel relatively safe. If we suffer horrific experiences it must make us question everything.
Thank you for sharing your work. I enjoyed reading it.
I don't have any suggestions for improvement. It already reads well, just the way it is.
If you do have a spare moment I have posted 2 chapters of my story "Outmanouevered on the plug page. I would be more than grateful for any reviews or comments.
Keep writing. It was a pleasure to have reviewed your work.
Hi Jem,
I enjoyed reading your story. I particularly liked the very realistically written details of your nightmare. I easily engaged with "Worth the Fight". You take the reader on quite a journey with your characters.
There is only one error that I can see and it is not much. I am not sure really whether it is something you did not mean to write or whether it maybe a spelling error, anyway here goes. Where you have written,
I shrug, still sort of shocked that this really was Eric's mom (and it down) . Do you mean (and it dawned)?
This is the only thing that needs a correction.
It will be interesting to see where your story is heading.
I have begun writing a story. It is called "Outmanouevered". So far just the prologue and the first chapter have been posted. You may enjoy reading it.
Now back to you. I feel you will become the writer you aspire to be. You do write an excellent story which is you prove by using such great descriptive language. I look forward to reading your next chapter.
I read your poem not just once but quite a few times and I liked it.
I am not one for knowing much about free style poetry and I did detect a gentle rhyming scheme in it. So although I don't understand the style of poem it reads with a delightful fluid flow which makes it pleasing to me.
The legend in the poem is thought-provoking and realistic.
I enjoyed reading your poem and would recommend it to others to read. Keep writing poems with messages for us to ponder.
I read your poem and I liked it. A poem written of hope against all odds.
You use strong imagery and it reads quite well. You have use some great words and phrases which I enjoyed.
This is your poem so please ignore my suggestions if you don't care for them. I do have some suggestions that may help with the rhythm of your poem. I am only am amateur poet myself so the are just ideas.
I am new to the site so still learning how to do things but I will re-write your poem here with my changes. See what you think.
When the world seems cold all is lost - (and) I took it out (8 syllables)
When the lightning rips the sky - (7 syllables)
When the endless night closes in - (is) take it out , use (closes) instead of c(losing) (8 syllables)
And the waves come crashing by - (7 syllables)
The next verse is excellent
Yet hope has several voices - I changed (many) to (several) to get the syllable count right (8 syllables
And comes in different forms - (7 syllables)
Sometimes it is hard to find it - You left out (it) (8 syllables)
In the violence of the storms- (7 syllables)
A warning of static in the air- (8 Syllables)
Heralds like the lightning's reign- I put like her, but you might think of something better. (7 syllables)
Next 2 lines are good
The ocean rock is battered - ( could be 8 syllables)
Whims of a petulant sea- I left out (by the)
No help against the endless tide
Abandoned, useless, alone
But what seems sadly forsaken
And lost in amongst the waves
Is solid ground in shifting seas
To those who who have lost their way
The next verse is good
Hope is never really fleeting
It stands forever so strong
Defiant, loud, it proudly says
Stand fast, keep holding on...
The changes made in the second half are for the same reason as the first half, to keep the rhythm of 8 syllables and 7 syllables. You may think of better substitutions than I did.
Remember this is your poem and a good one. I didn't want to omit any of your excellent words or change the meaning of your poem.
I wish you luck with it. You have the makings of a very good poet. Keep on writing enjoyable poems that are deep with meaning.
This is an excellent story. You really took me with you into your realms of despair and hope.
I like your descriptive style of writing containing wonderful imagery.
My only small criticism would be in the first paragraph where you end a sentence with a preposition. You finish with the word "was". Maybe you could use the word "occurred" or something similar.
I enjoyed reading your story and would be happy to recommend it to others to read. Keep on writing in your delightful descriptive style.
I thoroughly enjoyed your story. A story in which I feel most women can relate. The very serious task of giving birth. We do take things for granted and just assume everything will go according to plan. I guess in the back of our minds we are conscious of the real risks of giving birth and are aware that things can go wrong. Thank goodness it turned out well for you and your little miracle survived.
It is well written and engaging. I could not detect any errors.
My only suggestion for improving your story would be for you to break it up into paragraphs, rather than present it as one.
It is obvious you have a talent for writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work. Thank you for sharing. Please keep writing.
You have a good poem here. I enjoyed reading it. Sad Word Goodbye is an appropriate title for your sad and thought provoking poem. A sad poem about a man saying goodbye to his deceased mother. A mother who obviously let him down very badly and now he feels obliged to say his farewell and acknowledge his feelings for his mother and hers for him.
By doing this in his way he not only frees himself from his mothers thoughtlessness or cruelty and he ultimately frees himself.
This is your poem and I must say I like it, so please ignore the following suggestions if you do not agree. I am only an amateur poet myself.
My feeling is that if you make a few changes you will improve your poem. The reason for my suggestions is to do with the rhythm and flow of the poem.
I come her to cry
I come here to try
My intention is to offer
The smallest (of a) white lie Leave (of a) out
God above will forgive me
For he knows what I (must) do Leave (must) out
Peace is (both )simultaneously Leave (both) out
My salvation and reprieve I changed the word redemption to reprieve, you may have another word that you like better
(Such) whispered words of forgiveness Leave (such) out
Flow against the grain
(Nonetheless) But still I persist I substituted (nonetheless) for (but still )
(Never) Not one (with) to have nothing to say Swap (never for not). Change (with) to (to have)
Easily I betray (all) that (the) angry young man Leave (all) and (the) out
In me ever wanted to convey
If you could understand
I know (that) you would agree Leave (that) out
(What) Of a neutral place to be Change (what ) to (of)
Free of all that we mean
Free of all that had to be
Like empty ships
At the (deepest) depths of the sea Leave out (deepest)
Nothing (else) to be said Leave out (else)
The sad word goodbye
Is all that (can be) is left Substitute (can be) for (is)
Nothing else (needs) to be expressed Leave out (needs)
I (have) set you and myself free Leave out (have)
Escaping all (that was) once believed Leave out (that was)
You are now deceased
Death was your only way
Fortunate am I to have another
Our paths are quite different
For you it was always
About suffering
For me it will always be
About believing
Not about you of course
But in something greater
Than the power (that) you Leave out (that)
Used to hold over my head Change (use) to (used)
Like a ton of bricks
I will miss you as I always have
I will mourn for you for a brief
Moment in time
Then I will turn and walk away
Never again upon this place
Will an ounce of sorrow I waste
The sad word goodbye
Is all that is left and all that I owe
I will pay my debt in full
There will be no remaining balance
Of any equation (that) you and I shared
I say a kind prayer
(After all) For I am human
And you, my mother
Gave me this life
Such a reluctant gift
You did not want to give
You died without me
You died most alone
Forever you will be
Within your bones
I am done
The time is now, for the
Sad word goodbye
Please read you poem and my proposed changes aloud. You may choose to use different words or phrases that those that I suggest. I feel it helps the flow of your poem.
Please keep writing poems full of such strong imagery. This one was a pleasure to read and review
I enjoyed reading your story. A story that is written straight from your heart and is therefore believable and interesting to read. The problems you have experienced are described well and the general storyline is excellent.
The opinions below are my own so feel free to ignore them if you wish.
I feel your story could be improved if you were to shorten some of your sentences. When the sentences are too long it is difficult to get the full meaning of what you are trying to express. Shortened sentences often give more impact.
For instance in paragraph one. Omit the word "As" you don't need it. You used the word "release" twice in this paragraph. This first sentence is way too long and is therefore a little difficult to understand. Maybe simply put; "I was seeking to discharge creative energy while hospitalised at Taunton State Hospital. The title for this essay (dare I say book) sustained me until I was released in the spring of 1978.
In paragraph two you have used the word "can" twice. Simply write; Can it be that I am my own best witness to how I see the world, within and without?
There are other very long sentences in your writing where it is a little difficult to fully understand what you are trying to say.
If you make a few corrections you will have a really good story. Please continue to write as I feel this is a story worth reading. I would be happy to recommend it to others.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 11:16am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "