I love this! Your poetry style is a lot like mine so that is maybe narcissistic of me but I enjoy poems which rhyme. Here are a couple of thoughts about word placement or choice:
The golden staircase standing proud
outlined by a strident crowd.
To the noble brainchild have they vowed
that all their hopes and dreams be thrust
upon this system nought can rust.
But he (I would add "is" or make it "he's) drawn closer by his lust
for something more than plants and soil
sees the ladder’s gifts for which we toil
are but reflections in its rungs of oil.
Youthful minds are lost at sea
on quests to find the fruitful tree
and abundance, and eternal glee.
But violent waves now tip the boat
and ideas prove too dense to float.
And Davy Jones soon shall gloat:
Another dream for me to find,
discarded by a youthful mind,
left empty, tired, burst and blind.
But those whose boats are too steady to tip (this one is off somehow, too long I think)
do continue on their gracious trip.
To find the ladder and to firmly grip
the lower rungs and mightily haul
themselves towards old ( I would take out old, it trips the rhythm up) Odin’s Hall.
But soon they tire, and slow, and fall.
Still others fight on to reach the summit,
while aristocrats nod and weaklings plummet. (No third for this rhyme?)
At the zenith only two remain,
and both of them now gasp with pain
as they lie there looking limp and lame.
They’re the victors! Let the bells ring out!
But alas! For they’ve proven now (I'd take out "now") beyond all doubt
what it is the golden staircase truly is about:
Not industry or work or strife;
Not climbing to a better life,
But the status-quo,
failure, woe.
And the sharpening of the knife.
I love what you did at the end, splitting the rhyme that way is something I like to employ at the end of mine also. Overall, brilliant job, I love it, and it deserves the five star rating in my opinion. Keep writing!
I love this story! It is reminiscent of "The Old Man and the Sea" in some ways, which is a classic tale about an old fisherman, as well. There are some serious errors with your story at the very beginning in terms of spelling and a few awkward, choppy sentences. For example, "He turned the know on the old stove" should read "He turned the knob on the old stove." Consider another word for old in your story also; you use the word old several times, including in your title. There are a couple more places (here should be her when referring to his deceased wife, etc.). Overall, however, this story really picks up and I love the interaction between the old man and the boy who tried to steal his rig. And the ending is lovely and poignant. Very nicely done!
So beautiful! I love the recurring "breath in between" phrase. The only suggestion I would make is look at the wording in stanza two because you have the word "me" three times. I can't see how that can be changed necessarily, but you as the author may see a way to, if desired. Very lovely read!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chrystalv
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 12:21am on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
