Whoohoo! You are my new favorite writer. I love this I was totally taken by surprise when I realized where you were taking me, and delighted to see the visit be such a pleasure. A few things that made me hesitate as I read...2nd verse, 'have stopped their dancing on the grass' sounds out of sinc, maybe 'stopped dancing on the grass' or stopped their dance on the grass'??...5th verse, 'with a potpourri of smells', coupled with potpourri I feel that 'aroma' or 'fragrance' carry us to a more powerful visual, especially as the word smell is used repetitivly immediatly after, it sets smell apart as a division of the fragrance...Second to last verse you use 'both at once', and though there is no doubt what you mean because it is at the end of a sentence it seemed to imply urgency instead of 'at the same time'. But that might be a little nit-picky on my part, sorry. All in all....I love I love I love it.
I think you are telling a good story here, and descriptive words are so important to good poetry, but for me it is a little overdone. It is a little like 'finding elmo'...one has to look really hard to get the jest of the story you are telling.I would love to see this condensed with about half of the most powerful visual words used.
I really like the way this poem is put together...I like the topic, and think you were going along at a great pace and giving us a good picture, but then for no good reason it seems to get "cut short" (no pun intended) at the end. I guess I wasn't throught reading yet.
This is a very tender piece by simply enhancing a few of your descriptive words ie instead of yelling at God...scream at him! The emotion is very much there for you, the flow and cadence are an easy read...have someone read it to you and look for the "power points" and make the impact come across. Time heals all wounds, even the ones that have scarred over!
What I understand the poem to say is that you didn't meet your Dad until shortly before his death...or maybe didn't know about him until afterward. I feel you have a good story to tell, but in your angst to tell it, it became very confusing.
Some many memories forget...I don't understand what you are saying here...so many memories to forget?? But if you didn't know him you wouldn't have so many memories. So maybe you actually knew him but hadn't
seen him for awhile?
Aloneness feels my soul....fills my soul?
If you have someone else read this to you, and tweak it here and there it will be a very nice poem
What a sad poem. The imagery was really good, but the last line threw me. Throughout the poem it seemed all emotional, but the last line seemed to portray physical pain?? Perhaps that is what you meant, or maybe it could be tweaked just a bit to fit in with the emotional. At any rate, I enjoyed.
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