Hi and welcome to Writing.Com!
I love this. I love it because it's written so well and I love it because I relate to it so well! Yep, also an introvert and a music fanatic and a lot different alone than when around others. Introverts are beautiful and special, and it takes a special person to know them long enough to see that.
Keep writing!
Sharon
Beautifully written - great descriptions - wonderful all around. I can't find anything wrong but lots of things right. An enjoyable read. Thank you for posting.
Sherri
Hello, I saw this randomly and was intrigued by the subject. I love elves, so naturally was immediately drawn in by the description. This is written in a lovely easy to read way - so natural and flows nicely. Great descriptions all around and the story moves quickly enough as well. I want to read more! Is there more? I will have to go check out your port and see. Thoroughly enjoyed this in every way!
Sherri
Hello! I love it! I love the way this is presented. It could have been a number of things and I considered potentially four or five. I love the reveal right at the end. I like that the cravings began in church and what goes through the mind of the addicted. Glorious writing and a delicious read.
Sherri
Hello! I found this randomly. This is a poem for those who do not have much time to sit and read poems. How ironic that you are writing about snail mail with such a "quick" poem? I'm not familiar with this poetry type, however you've chosen a unique topic and the message is clear.
Well done and keep writing!
Sherri
Hello again! I found this randomly (again)! You know, it's completely true, this poem. I've stopped making resolutions. I like what Yoda says, "Do or do not. There is no try." I think the yearly "resolutions" give us an out, just as you expressed here. I don't know why people do it exactly but I think it is a way of keeping hope alive. There's always a new beginning ahead type thing. Very well written and expressed.
Sherri
Hello!
I found this randomly and what a treasure. I like how it goes through the seasons and the imagery is done very well in only a few words! You have also managed to include memories and have done it compactly, but effectively. Happy I ran across this!
Sherri
Hi! I found this randomly and I like it! It isn't overly complicated, it is full of neat phrases, it flows very nicely (except the 2nd line of 2nd grouping), and I love it. I could easily see this as a song if it was arranged as such.
Nice work and keep writing!
Sherri
Hello!
Interesting subject and had a good flow to this poem. Watch out for writing "their" when it should be "they're." Also, I'm not sure why there is a semi-colon after "For" in the last grouping but I think it is not needed. Otherwise, very nice poem here.
Keep writing!
Sherri
I'm laughing! OMG. It's not because it's funny...but rather because I love the twists! I figured the prison bus would have a part in the story, but the part it played was incredible. I love how the ink blot test was used in multiple ways. I was wondering if the lady was going to surprise us, but she doubly surprised me.
Your stories should be on TV, like they used to do the Twilight Zone - short stories that were always full of surprises. I would watch it!
I can't think of any improvements, so really can't help you there if that's what you are looking for. I did really enjoy reading this. I thought the subject was interesting and the multiple twists were fabulous.
I've favorited/fanned you as an author and will be plugging you on my personal favorites page: "My Recomendations/Favorites" Just give me a little time to update it and you will be there!
Great job! Amazing story!
Sherri
I left some details out of my response due to the fact I'm making it public and didn't want to give anything away to anyone who might see it and want to read it.
Hello!
Your poem caught my eye due to the description.
It got me to thinking...is romance cultural? Do people in other cultures view romance differently? Is romance even necessary? What about cultures in which arranged marriages are common - does romance exist? I'm curious to know and what it looks like.
I think in western society romance is very "hollywood" influenced. What did it look like before media?
What does it look like in remote tribes where there are not "plenty of fish?"
Now this I would like to know! I think we get too hung up on romance and what we think it means and how important we think it is. Because often after marriage, romance is lost! Romance becomes effort or superficial or lost in the humdrum of routine and jobs or the challenges of raising children.
See, your poem got me to thinking about something I've never thought about before. Well done.
Sherri
Hello there! The title and description drew me in, so I had to come and have a read. It was an awkward beginning, to be honest. There were a few issues that meant it didn't flow well and I nearly did not read further. However, I continued on and glad I did, because once it got going, it was interesting and fun. This is a story that could have gone so much farther, and as a reader I expected it to! It stopped short, which is part of the appeal in an ironic way. It left me, as a reader, curious and wondering what the new world was like, but of course the main character in the story wasn't so brave. I can just see the spin offs from this! I like stories that leave that bit of wondering and it worked here really well.
As for the beginning of the story, there are a couple of suggestions for improvement that could make it read a little more smoothly.
"...trying to keep hold of my plastic bags and groceries..." The visual here is that he has plastic bags and plastic groceries. Perhaps this could be reworded to read "plastic bags full of groceries."
"The neighbour was on his way out of his own apartment. Sighing like I was some failed soap opera playing before a soccer game."
I would combine these two thoughts with a comma to avoid the incomplete sentence in the second line. In fact, I'm not even sure it would need a comma; just join the two into one.
After this is picks up a little. I was concerned with the very "talkative" writing style, but it fits the story and character fairly well and in the end it works. Some may disagree, but it is nice to see some variety in writers and their styles.
This was a FUN read. I enjoyed it. It made me smile. It gave me a chuckle. I liked the humor in it.
Thank you for sharing and hope you keep writing!
Sherri
Hello - the description of this is what drew me in, as the title I do not feel really captures the essence of this piece of writing. Now, I have just woken up and have had only one sip of my coffee, so a brilliant title is not coming to me yet! However, I shall keep it in mind. If you are really stuck, you could hold a little contest. People love doing that. You could award some gift points for the person who comes up with the best title, that you have the option to use (or not).
Now, as for this poem...it was moving. I started getting teary towards the end! It was beautiful - the descriptions were right on. It was simple, elegant, and accurate. It was easy to read and understand, and yet it was not simplistic or shallow, but it was a deep pool I was allowed to swim in and enjoy. I really followed you here and I shall add it to my favorites because I'd like to read it again and again!
I hope others read it, too, because it is worthy of many eyes seeing it, and hopefully appreciating it as much as I did.
I've no suggestions for improvement. I enjoyed it how it was.
Keep writing!
Sherri
I had to read this as it must be hard to write with one syllable each word. It is hard to do and I can't do it in this review...(already failed twice trying).
Oh, I give up! That IS a lot harder than it seems! However, the story still did pack a punch and had an interesting writing style that actually fit the story! It held interest very easily and I enjoyed it. Well done for taking on the challenge and succeeding!
Hello!
Oh, this is so interesting! I love how you plunged the reader right into the action straight away. Little by little, we form a picture of what is happening. I was in suspense, wondering how Rabente was going to get out of his predicament. What a surprise at what happened! I'm gripped. I love it! It's a very good setup so far, with only a few mistakes here and there which are probably down to editing/typos. Great descriptions and action going on. I'm looking forward to reading more!
Sherri
Hello!
The description to this really drew me in, so here I am having a read. I would like to read more. I don't really have too much to add as far as editing as I think it looks pretty good. I only know a little about Tesla, so I would love to read this further. Keep writing! It all looks good from my viewpoint!
Cloud9
Hello!
Okay, I laughed. I actually chuckled out loud on this one. It's absurd and I love it. It actually reminds me of a crazy uncle we have who has a cannon that they police took away because he was firing it in the city centre! Firing sheep, though...that takes the cake. I love this nonsense poem.
Cloud9
Hello again,
The random reviewer has brought me back to your port to another well written poem. I think this one may have a typo or two, but otherwise, I though it was very good. You have expressed an emotion well in the constraints of a Ghazal. There was one sentence that read awkwardly, but it can be tricky having seven syllables each line!
Another enjoyable read. Keep writing!
Cloud9
Hello!
I have run across this poem randomly and I am surprised that it has no ratings. So, I'm guessing it has no reviews? I think sometimes people don't know how to respond to a topic like this, and perhaps avoid rating or reviewing for that reason. However, this is, in my opinion, very good poetry. I thought the format was done very well. It read smoothly. It has very good descriptions, and it highlights a topic that is terrible, heartbreaking, and passionate - able to evoke all sorts of feelings from a reader. I think the message was clear in your poetry (and I cannot say that about all poetry). War and the pride behind it is a terrible, uncontrollable beast who will not bring peace, but instead grow more war and hatred. Very well written! My applause to you and 5 stars.
Cloud9
Hello!
I've run across this piece randomly. I found it interesting overall. It was set up very well and I understood easily the scene and situation. Some things are not clear, I'm sure on purpose, to leave it up to the reader's imagination. That is okay because a little mystery fuels more interest. I think the biggest barrier with this piece, for me, is the wording of some of the sentences. There are plenty of redundancies and places where the wording is confusing. I would read it through again, out loud, and re-work some of the more awkward places. Paragraph three tells us the guy is excited three times, for instance. I would choose some different words, at least, to avoid redundancy here. The first paragraph has some awkwardness to it, as I think a word was missed out here and there, or it was worded in an unusual way. I would tidy up some descriptions, such as changing "cold metallic thing" to "cold metal" and leave out the word "thing. I think it would read more smoothly that way. So, there's some wordiness going on that I think could be weeded out to make it read smoother and give a clearer understanding overall.
I hope that was helpful. You've got a very good base here and a flair for storytelling. I'd love to read more some time.
Keep writing!
Cloud9
Hello!
What a nice little piece of writing! I love the descriptions you have used to paint this picture. This has a poetic feel to it, and I think it might be better described as poetry given the way the sentences are structured, otherwise I'd say it has incomplete sentences. I recognize this might be the style, but I usually only see this in poetry where it seems anything goes. This short piece gives us some big issues to think about. You've done well setting up this scene. Nice work and keep writing!
Cloud9
Hi!! I love Formula 1! Happy to see someone writing about it on Writing.com!! I thought this was a good poem and you did well to capture the aspects of a race. I didn't like the baby-grow image, although I knew what you meant, I just didn't like the concept of a baby in there. However, I though the rest was very good. A few tiny rhythm problems, but overall very well thought out and written. I wish there was more people writing about F1. Maybe I will have to start! It is really an exciting sport. Happy to meet another fan!
Okay, tell me...who's your favorite driver and/or team?
Sherri
I love weddings and your daughter's was beautiful - and what an amazing venue! Nice to see you, the proud father, standing beside her. Lovely photos and thanks for sharing!
Sherri
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I'm not there yet and my daughter is too young to notice if I was...but I remember my mom not being cool! But if it makes you feel better...I didn't know what "POS" was either, and I do a lot of IMing. All the abbreviations get a little overwhelming!
Congrats for being listed in the Comedy Newsletter! Great, entertaining writing!
Sherri
I thought this was an excellent poem. I love the descriptions used! My favorite part was the second stanza. Once again, amazing and interesting descriptions! The poem kept to form and I really enjoyed reading! Thanks for sharing!
Sherri
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How ironic that you are writing about snail mail with such a "quick" poem? I'm not familiar with this poetry type, however you've chosen a unique topic and the message is clear.
