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Review by Julian Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I started reading your first chapter. I wasn’t able to finish it though (short attention span and too much homework.) But there was one thing I was able to pick up on in just the first page. The first and most troublesome thing was that you showed me very little. Simply put, instead of describing what was happening and letting me understand through your showing, you told me. You start the novel in a “tell” mode, which, to me, is very discouraging because it makes it very hard to really get into the novel. One of the early lines that just screams “tell” is this one,

‘So this is when Karber really gets used to the gravity and starts walking towards New York City’s biodome.’

When you give a book report you tell, but when you give a good story, you show. At least that’s how I feel about it. It took me a long time to stop telling and when I started showing and stopped telling my stories became a lot better. You have some really great ideas though, I was impressed by how creative they were and how many possibilities there could be within them. It was kinda obvious that they were a little influenced by anime, but that’s ok. I really liked your dialogue too. I thought it was very creative and funny. The quote I took follows a very entertaining scene between the main character and a cashier. I thought the dialogue was great, but that sentence made me not want to go on.

One other thing that was kinda weird is that in the middle of your story you changed your tenses. You started in present tense and then changed to past tense. I think the past tense was a lot better and suggest you change the first part to past tense so the whole thing matches.

So, I would recommend two things, write in past tense and write with descriptions instead of information. That’s really the only thing that bothered me. But it’s all just my opinion so don’t go thinking of trashing your novel based on what I say.
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