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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cloverish
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203 Public Reviews Given
203 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I focus on SPaG and in-line problems. Passive vs Active. Not too good with the telling and showing, but I'll point out awkward lines, give you SUGGESTIONS to how it could be written better. The good, the bad, what worked, what didn't. Just look at my other reviews to get the gist of what I do.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Adventure, I'll actually try anything usually
Least Favorite Genres
Maybe not Sci-fi. I don't know, it seems I just don't like reading them, especially the space opera, scientific ones
Favorite Item Types
Short Story, a chapter
Least Favorite Item Types
LONG PIECES... even though I want mine to be reviewed and some can get long
I will not review...
Overly long pieces. Like those mounted thousands. One or two I'm good, but any more and I start fraying at the edges.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this a very enjoyable read. It read quick and interested me the entire time. The beginning few paragraphs, especially. The way you sculpted that first sentence was brilliant. Hot boxing an umbrella, that's a new thought. And the character is a nifty one. You have some nicely structured lines as well. Some lines that made me smile some.

I do have some issues on the placement a lot of the stuff. Sometimes I wasn't quite sure who was speaking. Or some of the sentences are awkward.

Example of some awkwardness:
“Sir, permission?” Sarah asked meekly, slouching slightly as she did.
“Speak COMMA” said the raven coloured suit.
“Have you ever seen this before?”

Charles glared at Sarah for several reasons. One, it hadn’t been her turn to talk and two, she’d been with the organization long enough to know that questioning a superior was strictly forbidden.

So, I don't understand how it wasn't her turn to talk when he explicitly told her to speak.

Some dialogue confusion:

“I’m sorry. You’re not going anywhere until you tell me how you did what you did."
"And if you don’t want to tell me?” He said raising to his feet.
“And if you don’t know?” He continued, slowly coming around the desk.
“Well, you’re still not going anywhere and telling anyone how or what, you did...”
He stopped a foot in front of me.

Because, the usual has the same person's dialogue being connected, so when I initially read this, I read it as her replying to him.

So, the usual is: “I’m sorry. You’re not going anywhere until you tell me how you did what you did. And if you don’t want to tell me?” he said raising to his feet. “And if you don’t know?” he continued, slowly coming around the desk. “Well, you’re still not going anywhere and telling anyone how or what, you did...”
He stopped a foot in front of me.

There's also a couple of grammatical issues, omitted commas and such, but it's not too distracting. The separated dialogue was my biggest issue.

I'm definitely intrigued by what's going on in this facility, and I would love more foreshadowing of her special ability before the guy touches her. I hope this isn't the end, end.

Good job! Keep at it!
2
2
Review of The Offer  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
There are a few scattered mistakes here and there.

For example: bright screened TV’s droned on with repetitive information -- TVs

so I do hope you except this once in a lifetime opportunity --- accept

The big doorway was getting more ominous --- got more ominous

was to jolt out of the -- bolt?

each other trying to gauge --- other, trying

Remy tried to prevent uneasiness from slipping into his voice, but he couldn't help it from seeping through --- delete the second seeping and end with: he couldn't help it

Its unfortunate, but if you refuse, --- it's

Remy decided to listen again, “You may --- Period instead of a comma

What do you say?”. -- no period

Remy simply said, “No, I don’t accept”. -- period inside the quotation

Remy flailed wildly at the ominous figure of the black coated man.. --- delete extra period

Starcose seemed poised and ready for the attack, he whipped out a long shiny -- period instead of a comma


So the story itself... It's not bad. I really enjoyed it. I do think you have a little too much exposition on our MC. Some of it is not necessary.

---Remy Johnson had been a relatively simple man throughout his 26 years of living, with a light heartedness he had acquired from his deceased mother. Soon after entering grade school, Remy’s parents noticed he had a gift for knowledge. His mind operated like a sponge, everything Remy came in contact with, he remembered.--- I'd cut the simple man and from his deceased mother. Especially since you explain in depth how his lightheartedness grew. So basically cut that sentence.

he constantly thought everyone was in his best interest. --- everyone had his best interest in mind.

For your sentences, try and avoid was and an over use of -ing words. This is a very passive piece. How many times do you use felt? Or feeling? 9 felt and 10 feeling -- It may not seem like a lot... but it is.

For instance, this paragraph: . Competition had been something Remy never really delved into as a child, and he didn’t know how to deal with it once it constantly surrounded him. Because of Remy’s upbringing, this destroyed him almost immediately and a feeling of extreme loneliness haunted his thoughts. His sponge-like mind began sparring with feelings of nostalgia for Holk. These feelings interfered with his studies and eventually Remy conceded to dropping out of the prestigious law school. --- three right here. Most of them you can delete completely.

EXAMPLE:because of Remy's upbringing, this destroyed him almost immediately and extreme loneliness haunted his thoughts... His sponge-like mind spared with nostalgia for Holk. -Also, spared with who? --- also, look at how I deleted the -ing by getting rid of the unneeded began. Keep the third feeling

So I enjoyed the story, but it is a lot of exposition going on, which I guess is needed to make the character, since this is a sort story and your battling with time here. Try to make it more active. It won't be too difficult, you have the writing down already.
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed how it all connected in the end. Some small bits: for its, see if it is supposed to be it's by reading it as it is. If it is fits, it's supposed to be its.

I could spend hours, -delete this comma just learning about galaxies, planets, and stars.

I thought at first we had strayed, but you connected it back to the stars on that last line, and I really enjoyed it/ Good work!
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoy this. I never thought of doing it like this and your way is unique. Poetry to tell them their cards would really flourish the reading a bit more. Some of my readings would be different, but I really enjoyed reading yours.

One nitpick: Maybe your falling in love --- it should be: maybe you're falling in love.
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
---At the last minute; Alex had decided to take him up on his offer. They both needed time to decompress and what better place than the camp?--- no semi-colon because the two sentences are supposed to go together. At the last minute, Alex had decided... if they were separated it wouldn't make sense. At the last minute. Bob took a sharp right. Alex had decided to take him up on his offer. Also: Then the camp because it's moving, not comparing two objects

---6’1 and 5'1'' -- stay consistent, if you add the inches mark, keep it up through out

---Alex started the beast up and pulled away. --- you capitalize the beast in every other mention

--- Mom had gone eleven, no twelve years ago now. --- this took me a while to figure out. I didn't realize she had died twelve years ago.

--- I’ll have to share my fire and my drawings tonight. It made him a little uncomfortable, but it was Alex, and she was the last of his family.--- this is the first time of first person, the I'll have to share my fire and my drawings...

---"Good" He grunted.--- "Good," he grunted

It's a simple story, a nice story in its simplicity, except that might also be its drawback. There's no real rising action. Their interactions is good, golden even, but it's not enough. There's too much not mention, like the camp, what exactly the business is, what's going on really. And her lost light is never showed, rather it's only mentioned. It's missing the tension, but its simplicity should stay, you just need to find a balance where you give us enough, yet keep it's finer aspects the same. I don't need a sword fight, or anything, just more.
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Review of Scent In The Gate  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
SO this isn't bad, but it needs work. Not on the story, but the structure and punctuation and spelling.

You use a lot of ellipses when you don't need to. Too much and they bog down your writing. Periods work just as fine in a lot of places.

The first paragraph has a lot of promise, but it tosses us in the middle of something where we have no background for. We don't know the setting, the MC's name, what's the problem, why it's happening. This could easily be fixed by sprinkling it in to the story. First orientate your main character and it helps fix us in the story. That helps give some room to describe her location.

Now, when you describe the robust woman hovering above our MC, you like to describe her eyes a lot:She had angry complexion eyes like daggers, She had a fiery breath, eyes widened with anger and frustration. Her delicate blue eyes turned into a fervid blood red... --- you see how a lot is happening with her eyes? Try to change around some of the description. Maybe instead use her delicate blue irises... or: She had an angry complexion, gaze like daggers.

Now, dialogue. This needs a lot of work.

"where am i" i mumbled... ---"Where am I?" I mumbled.
"this is my lair" she said --- "This is my lair," she said.
"Lair" I said confusingly --- "Lair?" I said confusingly.
" I'm a witch or at least I'm in the running to be" ---- "I'm a witch or at least I'm in the running to be."
"oh, wait what, i don't believe you for 1 second" --- "Oh, wait what, I don't believe you for 1 second."
" I go to Coral Springs High, School of Witchcraft" she said in a posh sophisticated voice, i giggled... --- "I got to Coral Springs High, School of Witchcraft," she said in a posh, sophisticated voice. I giggled.

-- So, capitalize the first letter of the sentence and I, then put a comma at the end of the dialogue, or a question mark if it deserves to be a question.

Its a cute story, just needs some fine tuning and a little bit more description. Good work!
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm confused. Is she a guy, or a girl? Does she want to be a girl but is a guy? Alex and Skylar make it seem that way.

Anyway, story time. Not bad. Would prefer more scene building, though. It's sparse in the way of description. What are the cells like? Dusty, iron made, a new type of metal? DO they cling, rattle with whispers? Are there scurrying rats? A deadly smell associated with it? What's it like?

How about the city? You're good when you describe stuff you want to, like him being a lead balloon and the dad's initial looks, but you don't dare give enough about the setting. It's the future, why not explain it to us better?

---You will, however, end up on the floor in massive amounts of pain and needing a new pair of pants. --- But isn't she wearing a dress? not pants?

---"Come on, Alex. Let's get you home," the stinky blond slings an arm around my shoulders, trying his best to seem fatherly--- "...Let's get you home." The stinky blond slings...

---"Language, Sky," a female voice smiles from the doorway. --- this is odd. A female voice smiles from the doorway? I understand how sometimes you can hear the laughter in their voice, or the smirk in their tone, but written like this it's awkward

It's a close first person present tense. I don't mind the voice, or the story, I actually like the filter through her thoughts. It gets you up close and personal with the characters. Good work!
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Review of Umbra's Umbrage  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Haha I loved this! This was well written and funny. I liked it a lot. The two characters have a great relationship, and you convey it really well. Don't really know what else to say about it... other than I enjoyed it and hope you win the contest. Good work and good luck!
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Review of Think of Home  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really like the story here. Classified information, some odd testing, nervousness, it's definitely curiosity building. You just need to fix your SPaG and it'll become top notch writing.

DIalogue: "Hello," he said."You the one to blame?"
Tony boy held up his hand. "Not me, bud."

-You see? If someone is talking they get a comma. He said she said kinda stuff. You can continued it too, like this: "Hello," I said, "your name's Brad, right?" -- LOwercase after the second comma.

Action before dialogue ends in a period, not a comma, because there's no continuation. You don't action words.

Some other stuff here:

---I whip my head around to see my best friend and war buddy waving frantically from a trench.---

---My head whips around in the direction of his voice. I frantically search for him---

Twice he whips his head around and twice he does something frantically. Switch it up a bit, my head snaps in the direction of his voice, eyes searching for him.

Laos, a little more description could be good too. What is actually going on? Are bullets flying? PLanes dropping missiles? Fires erupting over tent homes, or are the actual brick construction? Idk the time line for this, but pistols are only given to officers, not lower enlisted. And usually the last name is used in the military, not the first name. Then again, it might be different in your story.

So good work with this!
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Review of Nemesis  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's a pretty good start here. Angels and a goodlooking major, now a kidnapping. Pretty cool beginning.

It's a little wordy, and not in a flowery kinda way, but a too much useless info kinda way.

Ex:It was a Friday evening and the majority of the staff in the building had --- delete in the building. using staff and frrday evening, you already allude to it being a building so you can delete it.

Ex: She --- first, I would mention who this she is. Her name. ---- pushed the laundry cart through the darkened corridor, her soft footfalls and a squeaky wheel on the cart --- delete on the cart--- seemingly amplified by the deserted nature of the rest of the building. --- this whole paragraph just restates what you wrote in paragraph one: dark, alone. I would combine them so instead of mentioning it twice, you only mention it once and you can keep the friday evening, majority of staff out for the night.

Grammar could read a little smoother. Some commas there, some periods there. Dialogue punctuation is a problem.

Look: "It's fine." Waggoner replied, his smile never faltering. "Thirty minutes?" --- SHould be: "It's fine," Waggoner replied, his smile never faltering. "Thirty minutes?"

Also: "...most of the day acting as an observer on a field exercise," he indicated the... --- should be: "... on a field exercise." He indicated the...

ANyway, I did enjoy this. It was just enough to spark my curiosity so keep at it!
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Review of Aliens  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
You know, alien means foreigner so it was kinda weird that they'd be calling themselves foreigners. I get why though, to make it certain we understand they aren't human. But we do, when the guy mentions how humans don't exist.

---Sorry, Zonk, but only crazy scientists from centuries ago believe that--- I keep wanting to read it as believed, because he's talking about past scientist... then again I don't know. I can't seem to make up my mind about it.

I have a soft spot for your Zonk. His uncle's friend's brother, nice touch right there.

When you say: We both lifted our eyes and: We both dove for the ground.... We means two. So instead: We lifted out eyes... We dove for the ground, because we means both. You could do: Both of us lifted our eyes to the sky.

Anyway, it's cute. Adorable even. A little more description of the aliens would be nice too.... Again, cute. Keep it up!
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Review of The Ugly Barnacle  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Haha definitely odd. Died and killed are two different things. So... I don't really know how to review this. Because he didn't really kill them, they just died in his presence. Maybe how they died? Did they just stop short of him one day and drop dead? How'd he try to bring them back to life? Was our ugly Barnacle depressed because he had no friends, sad they died? At first happy the died because of him, then lonely?

Anyway, for a flash it's not bad. A little short, but that's what you wanted. Sad... eh, I can see it a little bit.
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Review of not sure.....  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The best thing to do is write it. Now you've introduced a character. He has no face, gender-less blob of a voice with a knack for finding the truth. Right now there's not even a story here. You rise to one but give us a broad spectrum of what it actually is. So write it and then let others decide. Well, actually... don't worry too much right now if it's interesting to others. Ask yourself if you want to invest the time to write it. Is it interesting to you? Will YOU finish it? Because it doesn't matter how well crafted a prologue or first chapter is, if there isn't a full book to go along with it then it's meaningless.
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
The winds ---Just the wind because there's not two winds, right?--- tunneled by my body, opening my jacket,---and--- making me fly higher. I swerve ---swerve is present tense, but this is a past tense piece. Swerved,--- around ---Delete around--- side by side, counting the beats from --- of my wings, maybe?--- my wings, ---Delete comma--- till I reached the school.

--- Ok, I actually crashed landed in a tree, but that counts as a superb
landing right? But ouch! Did not plan this at all!--- cute!

--- I chanted, slowly my wings shrunk and vanished out of sight.--- delete comma and put a period. Full stop, new sentence

---feeling the feathers in my back,

then I sat there, when suddenly a buzzing noise filled my ear;--- Don't really need the then I sat there, when suddenly... it's a play-by-play of every little move and we don't need that as readers. Start with: A buzzing filled my ear, deleting the noise.

---I stared at her back, I wondered had she saw my wings, and then went into the school.--- Full stop, not comma. He obviously doesn't care THAT much, if that's all he thinks.

---She opened her mouth and said COMMA "I was going to ask you where room 314..." ---

So cute piece here. Haven't read the first chapters, but I might to see the character. He has an interesting personality. Keep at it. Good Job!
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I really like it. It's short and to the point and quick. The quickness raises the tension levels a bit. Now then, how to improve:

--- I was walking down a long, dark road one night in September of 1982. The wind was blowing softly and --- this is passive. Active: I walked down a long, dark road one night in Sept. of 1982. The wind blew softly...

---“Wait!”, I yelled hoping that the figure would stop in it’s place--- "wait!"(No comma here needed) I yelled hoping the (Delete that) figure would stop in its (Delete apostrophe. It's= it is.) place.

---And then, it stopped. Almost as abruptly it began to distance itself; It stopped--- this is confusing to say the least. So it's a stop and go kinda scene? It's still hard to follow what happened and you repeat a few things

--- I slowed my walking down to a slow, steady pace--- Change: to a slow, steady pace, to something else because you already use you slowed you walked, so you're already slow

So anyway, good story. The rapid execution of the story goes to your benefit. Job well done!
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I don't know what you want from a serious review here because it's funny. Lighthearted killing of ants. Pretty cute, charming, made me smile once or twice. Nice job all around.
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
It's a nice story, but it's quick The beginning is detailed, wrapping us into what's going on, but then the last few... like thirty years fly by us and Evelyn.

So, other than expanding the story and really explaining it to us, because you do jump around from her cleaning the leftovers from their parties, to her being bullied, taking a sip, then to her being abandoned, then to her being sober, you need to understand semi-colons.

---The first time it happened; was on a cold winter's night,--- The first time it happened - is not a full sentence. Semi-colons are two sentences closely related to one another. Like: Cats are pretty; they are soft and furry too. Not: Cats are pretty; dogs are cool too.

---Her teeth chattered, as she descended --- no comma.

That ending is sweet. Is this a true story of someone? It's great way, but it would have a more profound effect if her history is more elaborated.
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You know what? I really loved this. It's unique. The 3 stars was because it needs a lot of work internally. Commas, dialogue, spelling, SPaG stuff, but the story, it's enjoyable. You could elongate it on some parts, make it more understandable, like the fighting scenes, describe the world more. The way you're writing it, as if orally, it's weird. Stories aren't meant to be written as if spoken, but I like it. Some things, though, sometimes the boy addresses us as if we're there, which we aren't, and he's actually years in the future. I thought maybe another world, like he sometimes mentions, but then he references the map to look like Earth, so I don't know, I'm sketchy. Still, I love what's going on. I love the narrator really. Nice voice he's got. Good job!
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have some nice lines here, but you also mess up a few words here and there, and comma misplacement's that mess up the flow:

There’s a whole in my chest --- hole in my chest

heart is in to tight of a bind. --- too tight of a bind (Love this line)

You told me move on, with my life --- no comma

accept where better off apart --- we're

So I really like this, especially the repeated stanza. Good work!
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Review of Katagma Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really liked this. It kept me wanting more to figure out what the hell was going on. At the end I didn't feel at all satisfied, though. I felt you should've given us something to hold onto because right now we're still floundering around waiting for a fact to grasp on to. Where is she? What's happening to her? Who's he? It's good to have questions, but you have to also give us something. It reads more like a prologue in a way. Like how sometimes they give you a part that'll happen later in the prologue? That's what this seems like. It doesn't read like the start of a story.

Also, in that first paragraph you mention it sits there like a poison churning- so you compare it to poison, don't say it is, but afterwords you mention it as poison.

Anyway, good story, very very interesting, but just give us something more.
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Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very emotional piece here. Good job!

---Her small hands were trying as best as they could to grab his shirt to make him stay. --- Her small hands tried as best as they could to grab- this makes it more active

---only to find out his daddy had already packed his stuff in a big suitcase.--- only to find our her daddy

---through her eyes filled with tears--- just do: through her tears

---Her mouth was twisted in an ugly grimace--- Her mouth twisted, but maybe actually saying Miranda's mouth twisted would be even better. How you have it now it seems as if the mother's mouth is twisting.

---Upon her exact words, she saw her daddy shook his head and walk away--- the first part is awkward. Maybe: With her words, her daddy shook his head and walked away...

That second to last paragraph is confusing chronologically because... well, you have the mom shutting the door first, and then you go back to the girl reaching before the door is shut, then the door shutting. I think you should change that up to her reaching, then the mom shutting the door.

Anyway, very emotional. You don't give us an age range, but I can guess a child, 5-8 years old. Maybe adding in some actual dialogue from the argument might make the parents real because right now they're somewhat flat.

Good job nonetheless!
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Review of Demented  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
its her kid being beat--- even when it's her kid being beat

Ted grew to shed,
the baggage of his past,
but it didn't seem to last,
he found himself trapped. --- This si the stanza that messed me up a bit. I think it's that comma after shed

around his kid rob--- around his kid Rob.

I don't like correcting grammar on poems because they bend the rules and such, but those are just my little nit picks, other than that I found this really enjoyable. Not the content really... but your quirky little words and how you created it. Nice job! Enjoyed it!
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Review of Snowflake  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice. A lot is going on here, but it's a good story that goes a full circle.

The only real problem I have is some of the wording, and the repetition.

---- urge of kissing her back--- urge to kiss her back

---“It has to all be a mistake. --- It has to be a mistake

--- I approached the road, a white light disappearing into the murkiness of night.

A body lay still on the road, and I choked up my sobs. Blood dripped along the edge of the road, coating the once, glistening white snow into a lucent red.---- A body lay still, and I choked up my sobs. (I don't know how blood drips off a flat surface, maybe Blood smeared along the edge of the road, coating the once glistening white snow into a lucent red. ---No need for the second comma.)

You use: onto my face, like three times, also hand, but idk how to fix the hand, maybe replace one with palm? just do: placing her hand on my face

---“There is one thing we can do. Only this time it means much more to me Jack." --- There is one thing we can do only this time it mean much more to me, Jack.

--- By every second, I could feel her body stiffening in the cold.--- By every second doesn't make much sense. Every passing second I felt her body stiffen in the cold (It makes it more active.)

Really good story, nice description of that lucent red. Nice stuff, keep at it!
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Review of Sorry...My Fault  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
There's nothing really wrong with it punctuation wise, or grammar, but you can delete most of those 'that's, and rephrase a few sentences:

Every Ounce of dignity that I mistakingly once had- delete that, and it's awkward. Well, maybe the that just made it awkward.

Main reason that I--- delete that

The day that I start dealing to them on the cheap--- delete that and... What? Idk what that means

So the first part isn't bad. Kinda funny in a way. It's the second part that catches you. Look at how you start every sentence. It's either she or Alex. That makes your sentences sound repetative. Changing it up, like when she sighs do: sighing, she got off her bed.
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Review of 1. Morning Coffee  Open in new Window.
Review by B-T Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First off, great dialogue. It sounds so natural. Really, great. Set up a nice scene already with the son, the big boss, murder victim with enemies, one being the son ... good on you, now down to the little mistakes:


She was wearing her usual gear ---she wore, makes it less passive

, but her Boston PD badge was already hanging from her belt. --- but her Boston PD badge already hung from her belt, again, less passive

. It was a true miracle that he always made --- it was a true miracle he always... 'that' is filler here

already mastered the art of hitting her mark anyway --- delete anyway, I don't think it adds value

She stopped at the bakery like every day, where Betty had her slice of pie already waiting for her --- I think delete like every day would make this read better. RIght now that reads a little clunky.

Orlando’s when she was already heading out ---delete already

waitresses came by then ---delete then

fixing a piercing stare on him from under a cold scowl --- who has eyes under their lips?

The man just nodded--- cut just

A few other riddled mistakes, but all in all a good story.

Except for the countless characters you introduce. I got lost, frankly, with them all. There's Gillian, Conner, Crook, guards, the whole team who right now I've forgotten and I'm pretty sure a lot would because they're just names lacking much of anything right now but a single characterization. I think, to make that easier, you should not introduce them like that. Maybe when you go into the office have her talk to them separately, have a few chat here, a few chat there, but so many makes it hard to follow who's who and who did what when. Anyway, with the names: Banks, Henderson, Declan, Al, Rog... you get the picture? It's flooded with people in a few hundred words.

But like I said, good story, great dialogue, I can see it going somewhere. You have a nice voice, a laid out path, so keep at it!
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