I really loved this poem, i can relate to it in almost every way, kissing the barrel of a loaded gun, my favorite comparison, very visual and appealing to the senses, the ending doesn't have quite as much finality as i think it could but it works too. Thank you for sharing.
The poem is very upbeat and I like that however I think that in the info of the poem you mean 'legend' instead of 'legion' and I have only one other discrepancy with the poem, the last line should be 'no' instead of 'know'. One of my favorite lines in the poem are ," He tries to hear his coaches,/
But the crowd makes him deaf. Good word choices, and great imagery. Thank you for sharing.
I really enjoyed this poem, my favorite line is 'Perfection is an illusion everything has a flaw' even though it's my favorite line I think it could sound a little better, maybe for a suggestion 'Perfection is illusion everything has its flaws' or something like that, or maybe not, just a suggestion. Thank you for sharing.
Quite a sad but beautiful image your providing here, I wasn't sure if I really liked the whole every line is one sentence, but its catching on to me. It doesn't sound so bad as I thought outloud. My favorite lines are the last three, they really bring the image to life for me. The language is lovely, its not something that someone would ever actually speak, but being prose it is perfect. Thank you for sharing.
Everything looks and sounds great except for the first stanza, bury should be buried if your going with the past tense that is "Looked" it can get confusing when you put your past tense in with the present tense, if you understand what I mean. Thank you for sharing. My favorite stanza is the second, the last line is incredible.
Beautiful, I don't know how you make me love poetry that rhymes so much, but I do. I suppose because your poems are never flowery and shakespearean like others I know of. There are so many things that I love about this poem, the thing I love most though is that it has a message, I mean somewhere along the way I've heard all of this in one shape of form or another, but its always good to read it, death is something that everyone tells us is a part of life and in the end we'll be together, but its different hearing it from the perspective of someone you don't know personally, and has lived their own life, there's something that I trust more about hearing it from someone I don't know. Thank you.
Such a beautiful poem, I have not experienced the adult pain of losing someone that close to me in blood, grandfathers and a grandmother, but I was a child and although I somewhat understood what death meant, I didn't know how to fully grasp the pain of it. I have no siblings of my own, all my friends say that I'm lucky not to, but they can't understand what being the only one kind of lonely is like, so one of my favorite visuals in the poem was of your sister giving you "that older sister look" because although I don't have one, I can imagine it clearly in my head. So thank you again for sharing this, reading of people's brothers and sisters, makes me feel like I'm getting a look into something that I will never know in this life. So thank you.
I really enjoyed this poem, a little better than the last that I commented on because this one although it does rhyme the rhymes are a little more subtle and don't jump out at you so much, they just kind of fade into the background, and you can just enjoy what is being said, I'm confused about what is going on, but ambiguity is a good thing to have in a poem, my favorite line is "Not living, only surviving, still unwhole" i think that is really amazing.
I really enjoyed this poem, again I'm not so big on rhyming poetry, but this one is alright, my favorite lines are in stanza three the last two lines, I think that they are so very powerful, in my own personal opinion I think that this poem could use some punctuation, probably a few periods, it reads just a little too fast when read outloud, and I think that it could really benefit this poem and would make it better if it was just slowed down a bit more. Thank you for sharing.
This is a very interesting piece of prose, there are so many detailed descriptions that are there to punch at the readers senses, to box them on the nose, force them to see with their eyes, force them to feel with their fingertips, it reads like a scary story either about to end or about to begin, my favorite line of the prose was "its wide trunk making her slim frame look smaller than ever." Its the one visual that is the most clearest in my mind. Thank you for sharing this.
I really enjoyed the end of the story, very clever. Paragraphs 6 and 7 should be combined into one paragraph because it is only the Commander who is speaking. I was a little lost since I don't know that much about all the doo-hickey's your talking about, but I know that sometimes its necessary to just be thrown into the rush of things, and just find the flow of it eventually, but it was a little too technical for me, I felt that some of the technical parts, needed to be clarified more, some parts were clarified, like about the soul being a separate entity that some creatures could communicate with, I thought that was very interesting. Thank you for sharing.
It's an alright poem, a bit too short for my own personal tastes, but what is present does have worth and merit to it, I'm not a big fan of rhyming poetry, but this one wasn't too bad, there are some good visual images here, "cracks of Time's own hands" and "hollow shell" but I think that all short poems could be ellaborated on to become better poems, and I will make that my personal suggestion to you, because I think that it could be something really great. Thank you for sharing.
Erin Nicole COchran ~Ian SEa~
There are so many things that I love in this poem, when it comes down to poetry the thing that I always crave and look for are the descriptions, how vivid they are, and how effective they are for me, there are several in here that do that for me, one of my favorites being "I have held so very many hands..." and the line that continutes after that, but the describing of the weeds swamping you, its so breathtakingly visual, its really very amazing, I really appreciated reading this.
I really enjoyed this poem, the voice was interesting, there are some interesting visuals here, that really make it out to the reader how emphatic you are about your dislike for arsonists, and the devastation that they leave behind them in their wake. My favorite ilne is the last one, I love any kind of mention of a phoenix. Thank you for sharing
The visuals in here are so very vivid and detailed, you have a lot of original descriptions, things that I would have never thought would be on the same page together let alone on the same line, its very well-done, my favorite line is "Like pulling off the freeway" when i first read it I was actually having an image of a person wearing a freeway around their shoulders, not actually pulling off of it in a car, but either way its interesting, thank you for sharing it.
Erin Nicole Cochran ~Ian Sea~
The last three sentences in the last 3 paragraphs could probably be put into 2 sentences so that they aren't so long. Other than that I don't see any problems with it, but I would like to relate my own experience with Alzeheimers and what I think I would have benefited from if I had known certain things.
I really enjoyed this article, my own grandfather, had alzheimers for the last few years of his life, and at the time of his death I was 11, and I had decided strongly that I couldn't see him not know who I am, because it would hurt me too much. But when we went to visit him at this place, I had to go to the restroom, and I told my grandmother that I couldn't see him, but when I came out of the bathroom she brought him to me in a wheel chair and asked him if he knew who I was, and he looked at me and it looked like he tried so hard to remember it, but he couldn't, he didn't talk much at all. I feel bad that I couldn't go to him myself, but I was a child, afraid. Maybe you could add something like that in your article, how to prepare children for this disease when they come to visit their relatives, what to expect, what to give them, etc, because I know that I would have been helped by that kind of information. Thank you very much for sharing.
This was a very inspirational article, I myself have always written stories, and poems, since I was well since I learned how to write, mostly I wrote stories because I was alone most of the time, no siblings, so I made characters come alive, and it helped a little, but eventually I got out of writing stories, but recently I've had tramatic experiences concerning my health, and being that I'm nearing 23 i'm not really that old, so writing helps, I feel that its something I have to do in case life isn't as long as I thought it would be, I really appreciated reading your reasons. Thank you for sharing.
Erin Nicole Cochran ~Ian Sea~ Congrats on first draft :)
I think that this is perfect, even though it does have a minor typo in it in stanza 2 it should be....when she thinks she's not" instead of "she not" but the language is so beautiful it just flows so perfectly, definitely a poem that I wish I could have been able to write, maybe I'll write the next best one, one of these days :) I really liked the idea of time standing on its hind legs that was a really great visual even though I don't have a concrete visual of what time looks like, I can see wobbly hind legs trying to stay up. Thank you very much for sharing.
An interesting poem, the line that I enjoyed the best was the last line because it was the last thing that I expected to be said, I knew that the voice of the poet was trying to say something throughout all the stanzas but I just wasn't sure what the voice was trying to say, but an interesting twist that I didn't see coming, the language is very beautiful and flows smoothly together, I only see one problem that I think may be an error, but maybe not, in stanza seven, it says granny's pray, I think it should be prayer. An enjoyable poem, thank you for sharing.
This is a very interesting poem, short but that's how long a sigh usually is, well its a little longer than a breath but, oh well. I really enjoy the last line of the poem it really encapsulates what I think of when I think of a sigh, finally at peace. I don't see any misspellings or suggestions to make. Thank you for sharing.
A very interesting poem, I'm not usually a big fan of rhyming poems but this one is alright. My favorite line in the poem is, "Your loss of love put to death on a cross," its such a visual description and it really hit home with me for some reason, even though I'm not terribly religious, I do believe in God and Jesus and so forth, but I didn't expect this line to effect me so much, but it did. Thank you for sharing your work, I do have one suggestion to make, possibly put a few periods, not a whole lot but enough to pause in some spots where they are needed, the poem sounds a little rushed when read aloud and I think it would prove to sound better if the pace was slowed down just a bit.
This poem is very interesting, the words run smoothly together, this poem forms a very unique beat and rhythm, one that I haven't heard before, its very unusual but still captivating and enlightening. My favorite part would be the last stanza, it seems to encapsulate everything that IS the poem, at least in my opinion it does. Thank you for sharing.
The lines that I liked the best in this poem were," The taste in her mouth
turned from bitter to sweet-
like honey whispered promises
after a vigorous feat" I thought that it was a very good visual, it definitely grabbed at my senses. I think that the poem overall has very beautiful language and goes together very smoothly but there are a few misspellings that I would like to point out, the correct spellings are IMMORTALITY and BLOSSOMED, aside from those, I did find it a little bit hard to read because of the little - at the end of some of the lines, mainly I suppose because I'm not used to seeing so many of them in a poem, one or two maybe, but maybe this is just something that I myself am uncomfortable with. Thank you for sharing.
I really love this poem, it reminds me of something that happened to me in November, the 16th to be exact, and how it sort of tore my life a part, I regret so many things but I had to go through it, it couldn't be avoided, regrets aren't bad things to have, its important to have regrets, otherwise a person's life is flawless and perfect, and no one's life is like that, to err is human, therefore to regret is even more human. Erin Nicole Cochran ~Ian Sea~
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/colecee
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 7:36am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
