General Impressions: Another philosophical piece of writing. Good descriptions. As a reader, I like to feel immersed in a story. Somehow, though, this piece, despite good writing, didn't quite pull me in. I'm guessing that it's because the entry is more of a descriptive than a narrative.
Grammatical Issues:
1) "The trees were thankful, they had not been allowed the privilege of a sunset, for the fields hadn’t been harvested." - Instead of a comma after thankful, perhaps make it a fullstop/period. The comma after sunset should be taken away also because it interferes with the flow of the sentence.
2) "Other trees felt that waiting too long into the cold months would kill you." Instead of "you", use "them". The readers aren't trees.
3) "They were determined to see the sunset whether it kill them or not." "killed" --> Should be past tense.
4) "It gave them something that they themselves found more beautiful than life itself. " - I don't see the need for "themselves"
Hope my comments have helped somewhat! Good luck in this contest!
I'm reviewing for Fantasy Flash Fiction. Sorry it took so long. Yes you can indeed submit more than 1 (a maximum of 3).
General Impressions: Very philosophical. You write well and your descriptions are vivid. Well chosen words bring out the image of the old man in my mind.
Grammatical Errors: "yet they say nothing" - "said" instead of "say". I also wonder why you decided to switch to present tense later on to... "He isn't mentally ill" when at the beginning, you used past tense.
Fantasy Flash Fiction Festival: It was a very well written piece which I unfortunately must disqualify. The contest asks for a max of 3 pieces from the fantasy (and sci-fi) genre. So, although I was suitably impressed by this story, I cannot consider this as a contest-piece.
Hope to read another contest piece that is fantasy-related! Thank you though for joining the contest!
I'm reviewing for Fantasy Flash Fiction. So sorry to have taken so long. I was held up by personal matters. However, I'm finally free to judge!
1) General Impressions: I found the storyline sweet. The theme I see normally in fantasy is women trying to be tough and not the other way around. This was a breath of fresh air. I particularly liked this sentence, "Even giving Cinderella a chainsaw would feel more appropriate. " It drew a chuckle from me.
2) Some Issues:
a) Realistic Issues: When I was reading this piece, I wasn't very sure if this was set in the "modern" world. Perhaps I've been reading too many fantasy novels set in medieval times with ancient speak. However, it seemed strange to see words like, "tank top". Those might be modern inventions. I don't suppose Amazons wear tank tops? Nor would they wear trousers because it might interfere with their fighting / killing the orcs. Also, I don't know if beer is enough to get someone who's used to alcohol very drunk... Might want something stronger? Finally, psychologically, it would be extremely difficult for someone whose entire village pinned expectations on her to be a warrior to go against expectations. It can be done, just that perhaps this was a flash fiction so you were unable to fully explore the characters' psychological depth.
b) "The doll fashioned pigtails and emerald eyes." - This line lost its impact on me. I wasn't sure why you wrote a fragmented sentence. Normally, fragmented sentences are used for impactful statements but... I wasn't sure what you were trying to emphasize here.
I apologise for this late review from the Fantasy Flash Fiction Festival. Due to my busy schedule, I am only now able to do the judging. My apologies!
The below is only my opinion. If you do not agree with any of them, please feel free to ignore those comments.
General Impressions:
I thoroughly enjoyed the ending. It was a great twist. I never expected anything like that =) You did the "outer space agent" bit very well, I thought.
Vocabulary and Grammatical Errors:
None that I am aware of.
What could be improved:
I thought it was well-written and the final blow delivered rather smoothly.
Congratulations on winning the ribbon! Good luck in this contest!
I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . The following are only my personal views. Please accept those that are useful and disregard those that do not fit your vision of the piece.
General Impressions: Interesting piece! =D First sight, I liked it. Thought it was creative.
Issues (I always have issues.)
"Total
Empowerment and
Super
Takeover"
- I have a question: Can something be given total empowerment but be taken over?
Also:
"Sexual
Tensions
Emitting and
Radiating
Off
Naughty
Egos"
- I have another question: Can sexual tensions both emit naughty egos and radiate off naught egos? Or am I splitting them unreasonably apart?
I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . The following are only my personal views. Please accept those that are useful and disregard those that do not fit your vision of the piece.
General Impressions: I found this to be supremely cute and comedic!
My favourite part: Stanza two, especially the first line. It's simply fantastic! Really, it's the best line in the entire poem. Cracked me up!
Some Issues:
1) "It's not like it'd fit that big head of yours anyways"
- Please spell "anyway" without the "s".
2) "when you jump off of a cliff because you insist you can fly."
- Just "jump off a cliff" will do.
3) "without the hottness"
- I think it's "hotness".
4) An eyesore is an unpleasant view. How can arrogance itself make someone look unpleasant?
Other than those issues, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece! =D
I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . The following are only my personal views. Please accept those that are useful and disregard those that do not fit your vision of the piece.
General Impressions: A cute piece regarding obsession with the phone. I DEFINITELY CAN RELATE TO THIS! =D
Some grammatical/spelling errors:
1) "Literaly"
- is spelt literally.
2) "sadly, you run up my bills, in which I must pay"
- "in which" is used wrongly here. Just "which I must pay" is sufficient.
3) " two year contract"
- two-year contract (something like ten-year-old girl. You hyphenate the number and the year.)
I'm reviewing for "Invalid Item" . The following are only my personal views. Please accept those that are useful and disregard those that do not fit your vision of the piece.
What I liked: Violence! =D Very nice, apt piece about how your heart feels when the other party cheats. I especially liked:
"Throw it in the fire, bring it aflame, then tell it it's all just a petty little game".
Grammatical/Vocabulary Issues:
1) "stone 'em, stone 'em, hit it with bricks!"
- "'em" is the contraction for "them". So, is it single or is it plural, because later on, you said "hit IT with bricks"?
2) "Knock it down and slap it's face, beat it at it's greatest race."
- Again, "it's" is the contraction for "it is". You're looking for "its" instead (the possessive)
I've got no other issues except one:
"I mean these things, these words, can't be beat,
but hey, that's what you do to my heart, when you cheat."
- The words and the things CAN be beat. They're beat when the other party cheats on the protagonist. So, maybe you'd like to change that phrase somehow to reflect that?
Thanks for writing and sharing this! Keep on writing!
It has been a pleasure reading your work. The following is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable.
What I liked about the piece: The first part of the poem. It brought a smile to my face as I imagined a little kid reading this and acting like a monster, roaring around.
One grammatical issue:
1) "with crocodile tears comming down in beads."
You meant "coming" I'm guessing.
Issues I had with this poem:
The first part was fantastic and I enjoyed it. But, the last two stanzas, I had problems reconciling with the rest of the poem. I didn't understand "I may put up a front I am not always stout". What did you mean by this? This felt like you were trying to force it into a rhyme. Also, "I'm like a monster high and above". What do you mean high and above? Nowhere in the previous stanzas did you mention that the monsters live "high and above" so... I don't really know how this can be pulled together with the rest of the poem. Again, it felt as if you were trying to make it rhyme with "love" (a "forced rhyme", I usually term it).
Nonetheless, I really liked the first five stanzas. =D
Thank you for writing and sharing this. Keep on Writing!
It has been a pleasure reading your work. The following is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable.
What I liked about your story: That Erick came in and ate the pancake. Seemed like a scene out of a movie or something.
Some grammatical errors you might like to look into:
1) " Nothing that could have bee me."
- I think you meant to say "been" instead?
2) "We both are very athletic, which comes in handy."
- The use of "are" is not really accurate, since Jamie is already dead.
3) "So hard, that i gave up trying"
- The comma is not necessary.
4) "I know that this is stupid,but it was over a pancake."
- a spacing is needed after the comma.
5) "I didn't care that he was a boy, or 10 minutes older than me."
- I think that if "than me" wasn't included, it'd be smoother. More in line with the previous sentence, since in the previous sentence, you didn't use "than me".
6) "Don't sweat it Shelly, I'm just mad to." he said, then put his arms around me.
- "too" instead of "to".
7) "I took of running."
- "off" instead of "of"
8) "My brother was dieing"
- "dying".
Closing remarks: I found it difficult to believe that Shelley continued running off while Jamie got attacked. I don't really think that a twin that close would do it. But then, that's just my opinion. I thought it strange that Jamie stopped so suddenly and forgave her so quickly. Also, I didn't really like the paragraph where you described Shelley and Jamie. I mean, it's the old "show don't tell" rule. I'd prefer if I wasn't told that you had auburn hair etc. It would be better if you described it in the fighting scene. "He started pulling my auburn hair..." etc.
Thank you for writing and sharing this. Keep on Writing! I hope to read more of this series.
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
It has been a pleasure reading your work. The following is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable.
What I liked: It's a very sweet dedication to your wife, Claire. I'm sure she was very very touched during the renewal of your vows. I particularly like the following sentence: "Flowers bloom when you smile and i can smell them when i breathe so when im away i know that you are safe when the flowers are blooming."
I'm not sure if you wanted some grammatical pointers, but I decided to do it because I thought it might help.
1) I feel you,i see you,i hear you.
- There should be a spacing after every comma.
2) "im crazy for you. When im over there i think of you"
- I think you meant "I'm" - missing an apostrophe.
3) "i will e your wings you are flying to greatness as i knew would get to.
- "be". There should be a full stop or a comma between wings and you, because reading it continuously doesn't make sense to me. There's probably a missing "you" between "knew" and "would".
4) "when im away i know that you are safe"
- Again, "i'm" instead of "im".
5) There should be a spacing before the beginning of the following sentences:
"Flowers bloom..."
"God please..."
Thank you for writing and sharing this. Keep on Writing!
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello,
It has been a pleasure reading your work. The following is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable.
What I liked: The message. I, too, have strong sympathy for those who have been abused by their husbands. I'm glad you wrote this poem dedicated to them. In particular, I like the following: The mark on her face is red,
She'll tend to it after the kids are in bed.
Shows the dedication towards her children.
What I thought could be improved: Nothing. It was a very very moving piece.
One small observation: Very minute typo: "And for the chilren that witnessed it too. " I think you meant to say "children".
Thank you for writing and sharing this. Keep on Writing!
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. The following is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable.
General Impression: A two-line poem? Very rare, have never seen this before, but I guess, it's up to the poet to decide the length s/he wants the poem to be.
Improvements: If there are only two lines, might I suggest you try to paint the idea of a kite on paper. For example:
How like
k
.
.
i
.
.
t
.
.
e
.
.
s
......
are we
That's just a suggestion, to help spice up your poem.
Thank you for writing and sharing this. Keep on Writing!
Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
It has been a pleasure reading your work. The following is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable.
What I liked: I loved the entire story, told from the lover's point of view. I loved it that neither hers nor his names were mentioned in the story. It's just a "she" and a "he". Somehow, it adds to the allure of your piece. I loved your descriptions, the day at Bob's, her worry, the shuttling between scenes). This was very very well-written.
Some minor grammatical points:
"The present her brought for her was around her neck"
- Think you meant "he"
"shy swayed in the fuzzy pink robe covered with elephants"
- "she"
"The numbness left her as she walked to the car and when she reached it and closed herself into it’s safety she cried"
- "its". "It's" is the contraction for "it is" and "its" is the possessive that you're looking for. This happens quite often in your piece. You might want to look into it.
Thank you for writing and sharing this. It was just so beautiful! I couldn't help but give the maximum 5 stars. Keep on Writing!
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
It has been a pleasure reading your work. The following is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable.
What I liked: "It's like wearing the wrong costume in a play about my life. "
Very nice and original simile!
I don't know if I'm supposed to comment grammatically or not, but I decided to as it might help.
Some grammatical points:
1) "Me and sister share a room, but I don't mind."
- My sister and I
2) "It;s what I like about the place."
- Very minor: "it's"
3) "So is in suite laundry."
- didn't really understand this entire sentence. Perhaps you might consider rephrasing it
Closing comments: I'm sure you look good the way you are. =D Don't worry too much, all right?! (I know it's easy for me to say, but believe me, I was once there... After a while, you realise it's only a small point in your life.)
Thank you for writing and sharing this. Keep on Writing!
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is the final poem in your portfolio that I'm going to review. *phew* Reviewing so many poems! I never thought I'd manage that! =D
What I like about the poem: The determination to live life and not give it up. I admire that. I especially like the following lines:
"I am determined not to let it get me down,
In my problems I will not drown"
It is unfortunate that a lot of people want to die because they find they cannot solve their problems in life. We need more of such poems to remind people that our life's destiny must be fulfilled, and that killing ourselves is just an easy way out.
A point to improve upon:
The following two lines:
"Every new day, brings more and more problems,
Problems that make my life feel condemned,"
--> not rhyming, unfortunately (in the larger scheme of the aabb rhyme scheme).
That concludes my reviews. Once again, they were all my opinions =)
Lastly, I'm reviewing your work for myself, because of your request but also because I like your work.
However, my reviews are also for Infinity group. So, hehe! Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Lastly, may God bless you. I'll pray for you as I know how to.
I found an example for what I said in my previous review.
What I liked about this poem: I said something about rhyme meant for "flow" and "idyllic pleasures" right? This is precisely it! This type of aabb rhyme scheme is meant for this type of poem! Where everything is at peace. =D
Question: I got a tiny bit confused. So is this woman choosing her own grave/place to be buried? Cos it seems so. But I couldn't be too sure. Or is she already buried underground (and therefore has no choice in the actual "FINDING" of this rest place?)
Onward to the next poem!
The above is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable. I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My goal is to complete reviewing all your works at one shot, if you don't mind =D Cos I don't know when I'll have time again to do this.
What I liked about the piece: Emotions. I like the strong emotions that come across to me. "Was I too..." That part, with the repetitive "Was I too" carries a rhythm with it. (Sort of like WHY WHY WHY, WHY ME kinda thing).
Some grammatical/spelling errors:
1) "To much has happened between you and me," - I think you meant to say "Too"?
2) "I have cried until there is no more tears" - Tears are plural here, so "is" should be "are".
Other suggestions:
While I always love a poem with constant rhyme, I don't think it's necessary. Constant rhyme is often good for something that's relaxing, but when there's a fight (or an internal fight within the self), I always think that abruptness should be key. Cos when we're fighting with ourselves, there's no totally logical flow (as in, we won't spend time rhyming, if you know what I'm saying). Rhyming SEEMS to me to be something for idyllic pleasures.
BUT, as always...
The above is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable. I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I'm here to review the rest of your works, as promised.
What I liked about the piece: My father just passed away a month or so back, and I was always plagued with the idea that when he died, he wanted to say something more to us (he died very suddenly). Occasionally, I'd think of him telling us all the above things (that he'd be there for us). I'm not a Christian, but I can understand the concept of God as you portray him here. Religion is really a great comfort when things you cannot explain happens - like death. In particular, I like how the protagonist assures the person that she's going to heaven (waiting in heaven). That's a really comforting thing to know, for those who are left behind.
What I thought could be improved: I'm really sorry, I really don't know how to improve this. I don't want my comments to be "fluff" ones, but, honestly, I can't think of any. And anyway, I liked this piece =D
The above is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable.
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Oh, I recall this Edgar Allan Poe's story! Had to read it for Literature exam a few years back. =D Similar take you have here, except it's in the form of a poem. I like it (excepting several spelling errors), it's quite interesting! Sent a chill down my spine.
Use a spellcheck device. Unless, you deliberately spelt them wrongly to show his disturbed state of mind? Cos, the spelling mistakes make reading this piece of poem very difficult (sometimes I had to guess at the meaning).
Cheers!
The above is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable.
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What I liked about your story: This sentence: " Two days is one day longer than I got!" It made me laugh! Haha. And I also liked it that you wrote the story from the clothes' point of view. Very interesting! I'd never have thought of it!
No technical errors that I can spot (and I was too busy enjoying the story anyway to notice any grammatical or spelling errors! =D)
No comments about how to improve. It's great. I didn't like the ending where the skirt said, " Yes, you are. A bitch who got what she deserved" because I felt it was too harsh for the skirt's voice. But then, that's a personal opinion.
Overall, a very very nice piece. I loved it! Cheers!
Once again, I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What I liked about the poem: The emotions. I used to write this type of poem all the time, especially when I lost broke up with my boyfriend. That's the kind of emotions I felt, and I think you portray it pretty well.
What I thought could be improved: Nothing that I can think of (fortunately, or unfortunately, that's for you to decide =D)
No technical errors (great!)
The above is only my opinion. Please take those that are useful and disregard the rest that may not seem applicable.
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What I liked about this poem: It does describe what I feel when I'm in love =D
What I think can be improved: it only describes the positive side of love. There's also the negative side that you didn't really touch upon =D
Some spelling issues:
1) "Have your ever loved some beyond your wildest belief?" - I guess you're missing a "one" in your "some".
2) "Love is one of life's greatest lessions" - "lessons"
3) "Love is captivatig and spellbinding" - "captivating"
Cheers!
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What I liked about this piece: Dark. Although the darkness is extreme (killing someone), it still brings us face to face with our demons of greed.
Grammatical and Spelling Errors:
1) "exerting on my wrists" - in the previous sentence, she only caught hold of one wrist. So, has she caught hold of both now or did you mean to say "wrist" only?
2) "I said I got up" - you're either missing a fullstop, or "as".
What I didn't understand: I didn't understand why you needed to put "Her" and "Me" when you already distinguish them with phrases such as this one, "she said in that silky voice" and "she laughed".
What I think can be improved: This is just my opinion (many people have differing views on this). I feel that different action verbs can be used. You used a lot of "said", but I can't feel the emotions in the writing (although it comes up later on). It's hard to picture something that's a little monotonous.
Closing Remarks: I liked the idea of this piece and I'm sure it can be revised and be entered into a contest for dark tales =D Please consider it!
Cheers!
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What I liked about this piece: I've always loved a friends-become-lovers story, and I really think it's sweet of Jake to go beat up Joey. I also liked the part where Joey said, "I don't date ugly girls". *OUCH*
Technical Issues:
1) My gaze lingered on the pink heart shaped patch that cover the rip in the knee - "heart-shaped" and "covered"
2) "Joke accidentally pushed me too hard" - I think you meant to say Jake
3) "I tripped causing me to roll down the small hill below us, I ended up ripping the knee in my pants and breaking my wrist." - Punctuations. I suggest a comma between tripped and causing, a fullstop (or period) between us and I.
4) "before turning off my bedroom and leaving for the school" - turning off (an electrical appliance). Or did you mean turing out of the bedroom?
5) "It could have been that I liked a jock and I Jake and I were emo, but that was beside the point." - Didn't really understand this sentence very well. Beside what point?
6) "That afternoon in the hallway I caught up to Joey" - I guess, "caught up with Joey" would sound better
7) "The butterflies were suddenly hitting me a bomb had just exploded" - I also didn't really understand this sentence =X
8) "with an angry edge still on his voice" - "still in his voice"
9) "I don’t know why I didn’t see it before." - Since this is all in past tense, "don't" should be in past tense too.
What I think can be improved:
You introduced us to what the protagonist was wearing by telling us step by step. I think it would be better if you said something like, "I pulled my favourite t-shirt over my head", or "I fastened the heart-shaped chain onto my left wrist. It encircled my wrist..." etcetc. So, what I'm trying to say is, incorporate the verbs together with what you're describing.
Secondly, I don't know how teenage girls act nowadays. It's been such a long time since I was last a teenage girl. But, she had her heart set on Joey. How come she switched so quickly over to Jake?
Lastly, I guess, more description would be nice. About her emotions. It'd allow the readers to connect with the main protagonist.
Closing Remarks: It was a good piece, but can be improved by leaps and bounds! Please keep revising! I'm sure that it can be a contest entry someday soon!
Keep Writing!
P.S. The above are only my personal comments. Different people have different ideas of what's good and what's not. =D
I'm reviewing for the Infinity Group. Please donate or join if you're interested in helping WDC members =D
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cometo1999
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 6:58pm on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
