Weston, thank you for sharing your story. Please accept my words as that of an amateur writer, but an avid reader. I will give you honest and hopefully helpful insight into your writing. I don't presume to know what is best, just what sounds good to my reading mind.
Story Telling Style
This is your strength. You have used the device of telling a story from two viewpoints. That of the would-be killer and the victim. You are able to develop characters and I thought it done so well, it was a bit creepy that you were so good at bringing the killer to life. Well done.
Grammar and Constructions
I note that you use all capital letters in an attempt to bring focus and importance to a word. I would like to suggest for you to further describe the situation to get to the same point. For instance, you have sitting on THE bench written as if you were speaking aloud with emphasis on THE bench. Perhaps you could have written sitting on his usual bench.
Then again you wrote ... describe as Beautiful perhaps you could write - describe as very beautiful, or perhaps describe as exquisitely beautiful
i, when used as a pronoun, is always capitalized I.
I think you meant Astronomer, not Astrologist.
Spelling error with brekaing it in 6 places to breaking it in six places. Always use a spell checker before uploading.
It is most common to write out numbers under 100.
Ease of Reading
Your story was fluid. Well done! It is easier on the eyes to have some break in your long paragraphs.
You might think that is a ton of criticism and it might be. Please don't take that as a negative. I believe your storytelling has a great future and I only wish to encourage you as well as suggest improvements. I would love to read more of your work.
Thank you again for sharing this with us and please write more, write often.
I commend you on an outstanding piece of writing. This is full of depth, discovery, vivid imagery. In my humble opinion you are a skilled wordsmith. To keep the words short and yet present the story was well thought out and presented to us the readers. Thank you for sharing with us. I almost always have some opinion, right or wrong, about changes to a writer's text. With this however, nothing. I wouldn't change a thing.
I have been away from Writing.com for some time, and today decided to return and read others writings in hopes to bring me some inspiration for my own writing. And your piece is the first I see. Please understand I am far from a professional writer, and certainly not a trained one. With that context please take everything I say as constructive ideas and feel free to disagree with me.
Overall your story was interesting, with a nice topic introduction. I was drawn easily into your narrative. You writing style flows and is easy to read.
Possible changes -
You wrote "bad things would happen" - I would suggest a stronger adjective, terrible, horrifying, unspoken.
You wrote "which is fixed to the wall" - Might I suggest your TV is affixed to the wall?
You wrote 'Maybe I was imagining things?" - Perhaps you could reword this to... "Was I imaging things?
Small little changes, not necessary but you might find them helpful.
Tonight I decided to read some writings of new people to the website, and I quickly came upon your poem. I thought I would say a few words to you, and express what I feel about your poem, what I might suggest to change, but the important thing to remember is that these are your words, and anything I might suggest is an opinion, nothing more.
You subject is one that I have personally experienced, so I found your theme interesting and familiar.
My favorite part is your ending, because the decision to delete the text cements the choice he made.
You have several spelling errors.
whine - wine
fuking - fucking
stuble - stumble
This sentence
I was the thought away with another drink ---- seems troublesome. Maybe...
I am deep in thought, and need another drink ???
All of that is purely cosmetic and can be easily considered. But, I do like this poem and would like to see you share and write more.
This hits several emotional chords for me, I lived a long distance internet relationship. Although not nearly as long.
What I liked:
Dreaming, dreaming of you, of the times we spent with each other; you singing to me that one time, bringing tears of happiness to my eyes, the first time you told me you loved me and my shock and joy at the words leaving me speechless for so long you thought I had gone offline, your reaction to that first piece of writing I sent you, your praise for that which meant so much and that I never forgot, the memories coming thick and fast, so many good times.
I enjoy this structure of this sentence. The list of memories. So well put!
I also liked the beginning reference to the phone message, and then picking it up after you describe what transpired from the last time RU and Myra spoke.
Suggestion: slamming each door behind me. Storming into the apartment, locking my door behind me, flinging my keys at the wall with a scream of rage.
Might I suggest that you change this up a little? This does repeat door behind me. How about something about the locking the door like; struggling to lock the door, or forgetting to lock the door.
Summary:
This is a well written story, and is begging for more. I didn't check out your portfolio to see if Part 2 and more are there. I would be interested in Myra and Ru. I like your writing style and find it easy to read.
I read this and it makes me feel sad, hopeful, understanding and wanting to help. Love leaves and emptiness fills its place. Will Happiness fill the void where love once dwelt? Nice questions.
I think in this usage you mean Accept not Except. Do you except the facts, try to start again, search for love
Wouldn't it be nice to come to some conclusion? But as in life, sometimes there just isn't a answer.
Please take a review for what it is worth, these are your words not mine. Well done! I liked the poem, and your style.
Hello! I came across this piece from the random review link.
General Style:
Easy to read, with nice flow from beginning to end. You mention introducing a new character, and without reading anything else, I would suppose that character is Willow. I don't think you would spend so much energy to introduce Ms. Maude. True?
Feelings and thoughts:
Well developed introduction of Willow. Her relationship with her Dad, the pending divorce, college, coming home to a different place. I could feel the apprehension and perhaps disappointment. I don't know if I like the Dad character, perhaps because of my own prejudice and he seems too mushy. Being a father myself, I don't think I project that image. But that could be your intent. Because I like or dislike a character shouldn't mean to change anything. Far be it from that!
Favorite Word:
I like to find word used that stretch the vocabulary but are not so convoluted you need a dictionary to interpret. Your's was pique. I like pique!
Impossible Critical Changes (from an amateur viewpoint)
This passage confused me.
Willow had to turn sideways up the stairs above the garage to get the laundry basket to her new home. When she left, there was a pool and a five bedroom house in the suburbs. So much can change after one year in college.
I think I would have liked a better clue you were referring to her home before college. This seems to be telling me that her tight fit up the stairs is in contrast to the large five bedroom home.
... she had left a pool and five bedroom home for college, to now find herself twisting to take a laundry basket in her new home...
Would that make more sense? Up to you of course, just a suggestion.
Summary:
I am very glad to have read this, and look forward to read more of this story. Please understand, I searched for something in your work to improve, and what I found is so very minor. But it is what I think. Thank you for sharing.
I find myself selecting this poem because of the title. But I found nothing in the title and poem that seems linked. You might think that is a criticism but to me it isn't really a big deal. This rating would be higher if it was titled something related to your poem.
The poem itself, I found quite well written. Dark poetry isn't in my normal pickings to read. But I enjoyed this! You bring the reader along and describe very nicely the turmoil and internal despair.
I liked this the most...
Ebony venom that rules the brain,
Toxins aiming to trap the shame.
I think it could use a rhyme here...
Now for acting, this thin disguise,
All of these perfectly delivered lines.
Today I am going through random reviews and it has been very fulfilling. Your story did not disappoint.
I found this very poignant and thoughtful. I have read similar stories where I felt the writer tired to hard to express the point. That wasn't the case with this. You had all of the elements that makes a story interesting and heartfelt!
I came upon your piece purely in a random search.
Here is my observations and thoughts. You start out the story by introducing a distraught Melinda in an airplane toilet. The flashback to her disturbing time with her mother was written in a flowing manner and it was easy to read.
Such vivid imagery depicted the scene clearly to me. After the mom left, you jumped back to the present in the plane.
In my opinion there is no explanation of the plane and why she was there. You haven't told us why or how she came to be assaulted, it seemed to be a critical point you were creating, but I must be missing something.
I would suggest the your ending be changed a little to tie this all together. And in the very last line you say...
...welcoming the warm air of the heated plane cabin into her life
if you said... welcoming the heated air from plane cabin into her life.
Finally, I read you biography and it seems you haven't logged on for several years. So you probably won't see this. But if you do, please understand this is my opinion and not meant to change anything you have created.
Welcome to Writers.com. Thank you for sharing your poem. When I read this, I can imagine you on that bike, even glad that I didn't walk the street that day. You have included the elements, the sound, the speed, the feel, the sight. And if you weren't wearing the helmet you might have tasted a bug or two.
First of all welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find your stay here enjoyable. Please pull up a chair and share some stories. Feel free to review mine and others works. Be Random.
So you have a compelling short poem. When I read something this short I look at the value of each word. Your style in this led the reader through the life. A true story to too many. Devoid of emotion, just facts, perhaps how one would deal with this.
Welcome to WDC. Am I really to lazy to write, Writing.com?!
On to the review of your limerick.
It is hard to understand those women from Belfast. And I do find myself reading this and wondering what she would be like to have an expression all aghast, all the time! Humorous indeed. Thank you for sharing.
I think I would have preferred the last rhyme to be something other than Belfast. Breakfast? last? mast? past?
Just an opinion, but they are your words not mine.
Thank you for sharing with us!
It was be easy to pick apart grammatically your writing piece. (please capitalize those "i"s)
I would rather talk about your thoughts and what this made me feel.
First, you say... Think!
Are you the same?
Will you do the same as others?
Are you thoughts like mine?
And what if we disagree?
But being an individual is the way to be.
I agree!
Please share more with us. The important thing to me is that you are expressing thoughts and eliciting responses.
Write on! Write more! Write now!
Oh you clever devil!
Of course of monologue about silverware.
I looked for spelling or grammar errors and while I am hardly an expert - I found none.
Your writing style is easy to read, you capture this readers interest with clever images of how we interact with inanimate objects. You sense of humor bursts off the page.
I really couldn't say much to change or suggest to change. Except to possibly make some breaks in the paragraph presentation so it is pleasing to view. Is that a criticism? NO! But I tried to find something.
Thank you for sharing this. From my view, this feels like a dragnet episode, full of double meanings.
I loved it. It made me laugh.
I would like to make a couple of suggestions, it appears to me that you left out a few words.
For instance She sends her to Ernest Anderson, a lawyer, office.
maybe try -- She sent her to the lawyer Ernest Anderson's office or if you want to word it to be consistent. She send her to Ernest Anderson's office, a lawyer.
Martin, a paralegal, walks up to her and sits beside her
maybe try -- Martin, a paralegal, walks up and sits down beside her.
he did not know this area of center city, after happy hours, becomes a haven for hustlers of all pervasions
maybe try -- he did not know this area of center city, which after happy hour, becomes a haven for hustlers of all persuasions. (or perversions)
Alice looks and understands what happen and then tease Martin with a grin.
maybe try -- Alice looks and understands what happened and then teased Martin with a grin
This subtle humor could really be expanded. But I like what you have done! Thank you for sharing!
Welcome to WDC. I see you have put a few items in your portfolio.
Here we have a poem about how society attempts to build up individuals self esteem. And how to some people they know it is merely "clever words" and "they'll never know You're not "
This poem struck an emotional chord with me. I have seen exactly what you describe and wonder how some take supportive words and thrive, and other take those same words and toss them aside in disbelief as condescending drivel.
As in your other writings, I don't see spelling errors, or I wouldn't change your punctuation.
So I am going to tell you I like this poem, and some days I will read it and it will make me feel like I want to. Thank you for sharing.
A nice title for your story. To me it nails the content perfectly without giving anything away. The perfect island in a sea of undead, who sheer mass overcomes the castle walls. I enjoy reading a story, lead me through your eyes into your scene. Through Thomas's disdain of the undead and the ultimate fate it led him too.
Dead croaks came from dead throats as they aimlessly stumbled over one another --- my favorite line.
Well done thanks for sharing. I wouldn't change a thing, except make it longer.
I enjoyed your poem. The expression of love is well presented.
With that said, there are a couple of suggestions I would make.
These feelings had casted a certain spell. ... Perhaps try ... These feelings cast a certain spell.
For theres never a moment I dont believe
Our love was something that couldnt be
I personally would have added the punctuation, but this is worded in a way that maybe makes more sense without the double negative. I mean if you never don't believe, then you always believe. If you always believe, then did you want to say your love was something is couldn't be? But maybe that is just what you meant, and I am all full of vinegar!
Maybe try...
For there is no moment that I believe
Our love was something that couldn't be.
or
For there is never a moment that I don't believe
Our love was something the could be.
Wow that was long..
My favorite line is Our feeling would stay true twenty-four seven. Oh maybe "Our feelings would stay true twenty-four seven."
Great sentiment. This is a nice story I enjoyed reading this.
It is a little hard to read because you don't have any breaks.
There a couple of technical issues. ten hen's and two rooster's should be plural and not possessive ... ten hens and two roosters.
I think if separated parts it would make it flow well.
I glanced through many poems and wanted to read something that made me feel good. So your poem caught my eye.
Beautiful prose, the reader can really feel your love you have for your sweetheart.
With a short poem every word is precious, and I wouldn't assume to ask you to change. Would you consider possibly "implacable". It is the only word that doesn't seem to fit your tone. I think you were trying to tell me your feel and passion were resolute.
Thank you for sharing. Write on, write more, write now!
I feel like a voyeur! I have read this a few times, trying to grasp everything.
This line is great
The woman remotely sparks a television into life. A strangely fresh newscaster informs
I would have somehow liked to see some dialogue and make it more interesting. That might seem like a criticism but it really isn't just personal preference. In this context it wouldn't fit. But I expect almost anything happening next would involve talking!
I have read your very short story about poor Sarah. How is in fear because of the black shadow that rises in the corner of her grandma's bedroom.
This brief glimpse does portray the paralyzing fear she felt. Good job.
You have made a couple of spelling errors
It's evil should be Its evil
Hororr ... should be horror
You wrote this
Sarah was about to do the same when she noticed a black shadow rising in the corner. It reached the corner with red glowing eyes.
Maybe try to change it a little. Since she saw it in the corner and now it reached the corner.
Sarah was about to do the same when from the corner a black shadow caught her notice, with red glowing eyes it stared into her...
Just a suggestion, well done. Write on, write more, write now..
Love always a wonderful topic.
You have expressed complete love here and for that well done!
But the writing needs a great amount of wrok
There are many grammar mistakes and capitalization errors. For instance this sentence you change tenses in the sentence.
You made me Somewhat perfect person cause you mould me to be the better person i am right now,
You should always capitalize "I"
There are many times that you have random words capitalized.
You have issues with possession, like particular person weakness, should be particular person's weakness
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