This is a good Halloween story. I think you could get an even better story if you expanded what is here, if you fleshed it out with vivid description. You might think about it.
I just bought a year long Up Graded membership that was supposed to last until Aug 31, 2024, but on the confirmation notification it said that the membership only lasted until July 15, 2024. Someone is trying to cheat me out of $15.
This has a somber tone to it that drew me in. It is spare in its presentation, and that is part of what gives this poem its grim quality. We are asked by the author to join with them in their focused gaze. It is original and compelling.
This poem starts out with some strong rhymes that got my attention, but I like better its take on a certain kind of emotion likely to be experienced by some wistful young adult or high school intellectual. That was the way many of us were back then, and though I don't know many young adults now, I bet today's young intellectuals savor this poem like too. Your rhyme scheme loosens up in the middle of this poem. That's the only fault I see.
Back when I was first coming on to this site I was off my med's and drinking, and I wrote a bunch of very harsh reviews. It made some people mad, and I don't blame them. That was a long time ago. I have since reformed.
You have a great theme here. I really liked the way it transitioned from the pleasant to the appalling. I loved that metaphor. I feel like this poem needed a few more words, though. You could develop the theme better. With some work you could make this a poem for the ages.
I like this. It expresses emotions I can relate to. The different images of being on stage and being alone get to me. They are disturbingly similar. I like the rhymes at the end of the two last stanzas. I don't know what the rules are for rhyming in a poem, but I like these two rhymes. The only flaws in this poem are in the images in the second and third stanzas - "I screw it all up" and "My face turns red". I feel like better images could be in their place.
I like the ending of this poem. It is true of so many relationships. It reminds me of the song by Tina Turner "What's Love got to do with It?" I suffered with the delusion of finding love for a long time. Now I would settle for a mutual understanding - friends with benefits. I like the imagery in this poem. Many poems fail to deliver on that, at least in my book. I would like to see you write another poem about the break up of this couple. We don't get many of those.
Wow! Pretty real. You do a good job of putting the reader inside the scene. This might have been too painful to do, but maybe you could have put more realistic detail in this poem - like "wheels rotating aimlessly, like lost cattle". I don't know something like that. Still, this is good. It will stay with me for a while.
This story is nuanced in a way that got me involved in the story. I could feel the tension between Harvey and Fiona. I would have liked more specificity when the story turns to violence. When Fiona stabs Harvey I would have liked to see her raise the knife. When Harvey tries to slap her I would have liked to see his eyes glare with emotion. Still, this is good. With just a little work it could be great. By the way, you're in luck. I just bought a ton of gift points, and I'm feeling generous.
This is something I can relate to. This prompt is close to my personal reality. I'm 64 years old, and I have always been an aspiring writer. (With emphasis on the word "aspiring") Only recently have I begun to produce writing that was in line with my ambitions. I'm hoping that I have the time left to achieve what I want to achieve.
I found this fascinating. It reminded me a little of "Slum Dog Millionaire" in its picture of the third world slums. It seems to me that this would be a good topic to pursue further. I liked the way you portrayed the plight of the poor in Jakarta. This also reminds me of Charles Dickens in its portrayal of the plight of the poor in Victorian England. You have the possibility of an illustrious career in writing. Any mistakes were minor. I noticed that you used the word "just" when you didn't need to. Other than that, this is great. By the way, I just bought a ton of gift points. You're in luck.
This poem rhymes well, and it has a jaunty air to it that is very appealing. There is one fair sized mistake in the line, "I'm not really complaining about Mother Nature". The word "really" needs to go. There is a similar mistake in the final line of the second stanza with the word "practically". I have similar problems in my writing. Overall, this is a good poem. It just has a couple of minor mistakes.
This is good, but it is a little overload with the metaphors and similes. Those things are good, and you deliver them well in this story, but I think you could do with about twenty percent less of these literary devices. I got lost in a few of the sentences. Other than that, this is great writing. You hook the reader and build the tension well, always a must in a horror story.
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