\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/criper
Review Requests: ON
35 Public Reviews Given
54 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Finding the Truth  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Finding the Truth

Review by Prier

Summary

         "Finding the Truth" is a suspenseful sci-fi short story centered on Taffane, a seasoned Cargo Controller aboard a spaceship, who is dismissed from her position following a mysterious explosion in the Cargo Bay. Despite her dismissal, Taffane embarks on a personal investigation to uncover the truth behind the incident, suspecting foul play. Her journey reveals a hidden cache of weapons aboard the spaceship, a violation of their supposed weapon-free policy. Taffane faces life-threatening dangers, including an assassination attempt, as she uncovers a conspiracy involving the ship's leadership, Honciran and Stephonim, who justify the weapons as necessary for survival in space. The story culminates in a tense confrontation where Taffane exposes their secret to the entire spaceship, risking her life to ensure the truth is known.


Grammar and Spelling Errors:
         1. Spelling Errors:
          - "casks" should be "asks" in the line: `"How are these workers?" Taffane casks.`
          - "Taffany" should be "Taffane" in the line: `Someone points the barrel of a weapon at Taffany...`

         2. Grammar Issues:
          - Awkward phrasing: "I live next to my office, nearly forty/ten." The meaning of "forty/ten" is unclear and needs clarification.
          - Inconsistent tense: The story occasionally shifts between past and present tense, e.g., "Taffane keeps looking at the piece of something she has found" (present) vs. "Taffane picks up a metal piece of something" (past).
          - Missing articles: "That's not responsibility anymore" should be "That's not your responsibility anymore."
          - Redundancy: "The two Life and Death Professionals leave. As they leave..." could be streamlined for clarity.

         3. Punctuation Issues:
          - Missing commas in dialogue: For example, `"What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here."` could use a comma before "You're."
          - Inconsistent use of quotation marks and formatting in dialogue.


Constructive Criticism:

         1. Storytelling and Pacing:
          - The story has an intriguing premise and builds suspense effectively, but the pacing feels uneven. Some scenes, like Taffane's dismissal, are overly drawn out, while others, like the assassination attempt, could use more detail to heighten tension.
          - The narrative occasionally feels repetitive, particularly in Taffane's interactions with other characters, where similar points are reiterated.

         2. Character Development:
          - Taffane is a strong protagonist, but her motivations and emotional responses could be explored more deeply. For instance, her reaction to the assassination attempt is understated, which diminishes the stakes.
          - Supporting characters, such as Honciran and Stephonim, lack depth and come across as one-dimensional antagonists. Their motivations for hiding the weapons could be more nuanced.

         3. World-Building:
          - The spaceship setting is intriguing but underdeveloped. Details about the ship's structure, society, and the broader context of their space journey would enhance immersion.
          - The concept of "Life and Death Professionals" is interesting but not fully explained, leaving the reader with questions about their role and significance.

         4. Dialogue:
          - The dialogue often feels stilted and overly formal, which detracts from the realism of the characters' interactions. More natural, conversational language would improve engagement.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance):

         1. Deepen Character Development:
          - Flesh out Taffane's internal thoughts and emotions, especially during high-stakes moments.
          - Provide more backstory and complexity to Honciran and Stephonim to make their actions more compelling and morally ambiguous.

         2. Enhance World-Building:
          - Add descriptive details about the spaceship, its inhabitants, and the societal rules governing their lives in space.
          - Explain key concepts like "Life and Death Professionals" and the significance of the weapon-free policy.

         3. Refine Dialogue:
          - Make the dialogue more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities.
          - Use dialogue to reveal character traits and advance the plot more effectively.

         4. Clarify and Streamline the Plot:
          - Eliminate repetitive scenes and focus on advancing the central mystery.
          - Provide more context for the conspiracy and the stakes involved for the spaceship's inhabitants.

         5. Address Grammar and Spelling Issues:
          - Correct spelling errors and ensure consistent tense usage throughout the story.
          - Polish punctuation and formatting, especially in dialogue.

         6. Increase Tension in Key Scenes:
          - Expand on the assassination attempt to make it more suspenseful and impactful.
         - Add sensory details and internal monologue to heighten the reader's connection to Taffane's peril.


Overall Quality:

         "Finding the Truth" is a compelling sci-fi mystery with a strong protagonist and an engaging central conflict. While there are areas for improvement in character depth, world-building, and pacing, the story's suspenseful tone and intriguing premise showcase your talent for crafting thrilling narratives. With some refinement, this story has the potential to captivate readers and leave a lasting impression. Keep up the great work, and don't stop exploring the depths of your creative imagination!

-Prier


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Thanksgiving to Dismember

Review By Prier


Summary

         "A Thanksgiving to Dismember" is a comedic and supernatural holiday tale about Angela Henderson's chaotic attempt to host Thanksgiving in her new Victorian home, which happens to be haunted by Edward, a ghostly 19th-century baker. Edward's meddling in the kitchen turns Angela's carefully planned dinner into a series of culinary disasters, from flying turkeys to green gravy and haunted mashed potatoes. Despite the chaos, Angela stands her ground, confronting Edward and demanding he stop interfering. In a surprising turn, Edward redeems himself by magically fixing the ruined meal, leading to a successful dinner and a viral family memory. The story blends humor, holiday stress, and supernatural antics into a lighthearted narrative.


Grammar and Spelling Errors:

The text is well-written with no significant grammar or spelling errors. The dialogue is natural, punctuation is correct, and the narrative flows smoothly. Minor stylistic adjustments could enhance clarity, but no glaring issues were found.


Constructive Criticism:

1. Character Depth: While Angela is relatable as a stressed host, her character could benefit from more internal reflection or backstory to deepen her motivations and emotional stakes. Similarly, Edward’s character, though amusing, could be fleshed out with more personality or history to make him more memorable.
2. Pacing: The story moves quickly from one chaotic event to the next, which is entertaining but leaves little room for tension to build. Slowing down in key moments, such as Angela’s confrontation with Edward, could heighten the emotional payoff.
3. Resolution: The ending, while satisfying, feels slightly rushed. Edward’s sudden decision to fix the meal could be more impactful if it were tied to a moment of mutual understanding or growth between him and Angela.
4. Supporting Characters: Mike, Barbara, and Lily are present but underutilized. Their reactions and interactions could add more layers of humor or emotional resonance to the story.


Suggestions for Improvement (in order of importance):

1. Develop Angela’s Character: Add moments of introspection or dialogue that reveal her deeper motivations for hosting Thanksgiving (e.g., her relationship with her in-laws or her desire to prove herself).
2. Expand Edward’s Role: Provide more details about Edward’s past or his personality quirks to make him a more compelling antagonist-turned-ally.
3. Enhance the Climax: Slow down the confrontation between Angela and Edward, allowing for more tension and a stronger resolution. Perhaps Edward could acknowledge Angela’s effort before deciding to help.
4. Utilize Supporting Characters: Give Mike, Barbara, and Lily more active roles in the story. For example, Mike could try to mediate between Angela and Edward, or Lily’s TikTok obsession could play a larger comedic role.
5. Add Descriptive Details: While the humor is strong, more sensory details (e.g., the smell of the green gravy or the sound of the turkey spinning) could immerse readers further in the chaos.
6. Foreshadow the Ending: Introduce subtle hints earlier in the story that Edward might have a redeeming side, making his final act of kindness feel more natural.


Overall Quality:

         "A Thanksgiving to Dismember" is a delightful and humorous story that captures the chaos of holiday hosting with a supernatural twist. The comedic timing is excellent, and the premise is both unique and engaging. With a bit more character depth and pacing adjustments, this story has the potential to be a standout piece in the Writers Cramp Contest. Great work, and keep writing!

-Prier


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of The Painting  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The Painting

Review by Prier


Summary:

         "The Painting" is a chilling short story about a young adult who purchases an unsettling oil painting of an old man to decorate their apartment. Despite their mother's disapproval and warnings about its creepy nature, the protagonist grows increasingly disturbed by the painting, experiencing vivid nightmares and a paralyzing sense of being watched. After consulting with a friend, Benny, and suspecting sleep paralysis, they burn the painting in an attempt to rid themselves of its haunting presence. However, the painting inexplicably reappears, and the old man's expression becomes more sinister, culminating in a terrifying realization that the painting's malevolent force persists, leaving the protagonist trapped in fear.


Grammar and Spelling Errors:

1. Spelling Errors:
- "nauseus" should be "nauseous."
- "bypassers" should be "bystanders."

2. Grammar and Punctuation:
- "I wanted something to decorate my wall" should have a period at the end.
- "Well, I like it, and this is my apartment, so I can do whatever I want" could benefit from a comma after "Well."
- "I was twenty years old and she still managed to make me feel like a child" could use a comma after "old."
- "It was an old oil painting of an old man with a solemn expression on his face" repeats "old" unnecessarily. Consider rephrasing for variety.
- "I was going resume my staring contest" should be "I was going to resume my staring contest."

3. Wordiness and Clarity:
- Some sentences are overly long and could be broken into shorter, more impactful ones for better readability.


Constructive Criticism:

1. Storytelling and Pacing:
- The story builds suspense effectively, but the pacing in the middle section feels slightly repetitive. The protagonist's fear and avoidance of the painting are described multiple times, which could be condensed to maintain tension.
- The climax, where the painting reappears and the old man’s expression changes, is impactful but could be expanded for greater emotional payoff.

2. Character Development:
- The protagonist's internal conflict is relatable, but their personality and backstory could be fleshed out more. For example, why are they drawn to such a disturbing painting? This could add depth to their motivations and make the story more engaging.
- Benny is a supportive friend, but his role feels underutilized. Perhaps he could contribute more to the resolution or add an external perspective to the protagonist's experiences.

3. Atmosphere and Description:
- The descriptions of the painting and the protagonist's fear are vivid, but the setting (the apartment) feels underdeveloped. Adding more sensory details about the environment could enhance the eerie atmosphere.

4. Ending:
- The ending is chilling but abrupt. The story could benefit from a stronger resolution or a hint at what might happen next, leaving the reader with a lingering sense of dread.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance):

1. Enhance the Climax and Ending:
- Expand on the moment the painting reappears and the old man’s expression changes. Describe the protagonist’s emotional and physical reactions in more detail to heighten the horror.
- Consider adding a final twist or revelation to leave a lasting impression on the reader.

2. Condense Repetitive Sections:
- Streamline the middle section where the protagonist repeatedly avoids the painting and experiences fear. Focus on key moments to maintain suspense without redundancy.

3. Develop the Protagonist’s Backstory:
- Provide more insight into why the protagonist chose the painting and their emotional connection to it. This could add depth and make their fear more compelling.

4. Utilize Benny’s Character:
- Give Benny a more active role in the story. Perhaps he could research the painting’s origins or witness something supernatural himself, adding another layer to the narrative.

5. Refine Grammar and Style:
- Address the minor grammar and spelling errors for a polished final draft.
- Vary sentence structure and avoid overusing certain words (e.g., "old").

6. Enhance the Setting:
- Add more sensory details about the apartment and its surroundings to create a stronger sense of place and atmosphere.


Overall Quality:

         "The Painting" is a compelling and atmospheric short story that effectively captures the essence of horror and suspense. Your ability to build tension and evoke fear is impressive, and the concept of a haunted painting is both classic and engaging. With some refinement in pacing, character development, and descriptive details, this story has the potential to be truly unforgettable. Keep writing and honing your craft—you have a natural talent for storytelling!
–Prier


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Her Crooked Smile  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Her Crooked Smile

Review by Prier


Summary:

         The poem, "Her Crooked Smile," is a poignant and evocative exploration of a mother’s enduring presence through the flowers and gardens she cherished, even after her passing. The speaker reflects on the mother’s unique, upside-down smile and her connection to the natural world, as seen through the flowers planted by a devoted gardener, presumably her son or husband. The imagery of pink lady slippers, lilacs, and leopard lilies, juxtaposed with the decay of man-made objects like a window box and a black shed, creates a vivid contrast between the ephemeral beauty of nature and the passage of time. The poem culminates at the mother’s grave, where the gardener continues his labor of love, keeping her memory alive through his floral devotion.

Summary of Grammar and Spelling Errors:

         The poem is free of grammar and spelling errors. The language is polished, and the word choices are deliberate and effective. There are no noticeable issues with syntax, punctuation, or spelling.


Constructive Criticism:

1. Originality and Freshness: The poem is original in its concept of connecting a mother’s memory to the flowers she loved, but the repeated refrain about her "crooked smile" could be explored further to deepen its emotional resonance.

2. Emotional Impact: While the poem is touching, the emotional depth could be enhanced by delving more into the relationship between the gardener and the mother, providing more context or backstory to their bond.

3. Imagery and Sensory Details: The imagery is vivid and effective, particularly in the descriptions of the flowers. However, the descriptions of the decaying man-made objects (e.g., the window box and shed) could be expanded to create a stronger contrast with the vibrant flowers.

4. Technical Skill: The poem demonstrates strong technical skill, with effective use of repetition and rhythm. However, the refrain could be varied slightly to avoid predictability and to reflect the progression of the narrative.

5. Coherence and Unity: The poem is cohesive, but the transitions between stanzas could be smoother to enhance the flow of the narrative.

6. Depth and Complexity: The poem touches on themes of love, loss, and memory, but it could explore these themes more deeply, particularly the emotional impact of the mother’s absence on the gardener.

7. Relevance and Universality: The themes of love and remembrance are universal, but the poem could benefit from more specific details that make the mother’s character and her relationship with the gardener more relatable.

8. Memorability: The refrain and the vivid imagery make the poem memorable, but the emotional impact could be heightened to leave a lasting impression on the reader.


Suggestions for Improvement (Ordered by Importance):

1. Enhance Emotional Depth: Provide more context about the relationship between the gardener and the mother. For example, include memories or moments that illustrate their bond.

2. Vary the Refrain: Modify the repeated lines about the "crooked smile" to reflect the progression of the narrative and the emotional journey of the gardener.

3. Expand on Decay Imagery: Develop the descriptions of the decaying man-made objects to create a stronger contrast with the vibrant flowers, emphasizing the passage of time and the persistence of memory.

4. Smooth Transitions: Work on the transitions between stanzas to ensure a seamless flow of ideas and emotions.

5. Deepen Themes: Explore the themes of love, loss, and memory more deeply, perhaps by including the gardener’s thoughts or reflections.

6. Add Specific Details: Include more specific details about the mother’s character or her connection to the flowers to make her presence more vivid and relatable.

7. Experiment with Structure: Consider experimenting with the structure of the poem to add variety and enhance its impact.


Overall Quality:

         "Her Crooked Smile" is a beautifully crafted and heartfelt poem that captures the enduring love and devotion of a gardener to a cherished mother. Its vivid imagery and poignant themes make it a touching tribute to memory and loss. With a few refinements to deepen the emotional impact and enhance the narrative flow, this poem has the potential to resonate even more powerfully with readers. Keep writing—your talent for evoking emotion and painting vivid pictures with words is truly remarkable!
-Prier


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review of: The Poet's Challenge

Review By Prier


Summary of the Poem:
         The Poet's Challenge by JMariah is an inspirational and motivational poem that explores the emotional and psychological struggles of a poet. The poem delves into the inner world of a poet, where creativity and emotions are intertwined, and the need to express oneself through words is overwhelming. The poem encourages poets to tap into their emotions, confront their fears, and let their imagination soar.

Grammar and Spelling Errors:
         There are no noticeable grammar or spelling errors in the poem.

Constructive Criticism:
1. The poem's themes and emotions are familiar and may benefit from a fresh perspective to make them stand out.

2. Some of the language and imagery may feel a bit generic, such as "hearts are eager to be dreaming" or "stardust twinkles in the eyes."

3. The poem's structure and rhythm are well-executed, but some stanzas may feel a bit disconnected from each other.

4. The poem could benefit from a stronger sense of cohesion and unity.

5. The language is rich and evocative, but some lines may feel a bit too sentimental or clichéd.

Suggestions for Improvement (in order of importance):
1. Add more nuance and complexity to the themes and emotions: While the poem explores familiar themes, it could benefit from a more nuanced and complex exploration of these emotions.

2. Use more original and surprising language: Some of the language and imagery may feel a bit generic or overused. Consider using more unique and unexpected metaphors or descriptions.

3. Strengthen the cohesion and unity of the poem: Consider revising the poem to create a stronger sense of flow and connection between stanzas.

4. Vary sentence structure and length: The poem is written mainly in simple sentences. Consider varying sentence structure and length to create more interest and variety.

5. Avoid sentimental or clichéd language: While the language is rich and evocative, some lines may feel a bit too sentimental or clichéd. Consider revising these lines to create a more authentic and original voice.

Overall Judgement:
         The Poet's Challenge is a heartfelt and motivational poem that explores the emotional and psychological struggles of a poet. While it may benefit from some revisions to strengthen its originality, cohesion, and language, the poem shows a clear passion and dedication to the craft of poetry. With some refinement, this poem has the potential to truly shine. Keep writing, and don't be afraid to take risks and push the boundaries of your creativity!

-Prier


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Insert title here  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of: Insert title here

Review By Prier


Summary
         This untitled poem by Perhaps explores abstract concepts of knowledge, love, and perception. It begins with a paradoxical image of a "breath bereft of breath" and delves into the nature of understanding the unknown. The poem then shifts to challenge common beliefs about love, asserting that love exists independently of hate. It concludes with a metaphorical awakening, suggesting a new understanding gained through acknowledging one's limitations.

Grammar and Spelling Errors:
         There are no apparent grammar or spelling errors in the poem.

Constructive Criticism:
1. The poem's abstract nature may make it challenging for some readers to connect with emotionally.
2. While the imagery is intriguing, it could benefit from more concrete sensory details to ground the abstract concepts.
3. The shift in focus from knowledge to love feels somewhat abrupt and could be more smoothly integrated.
4. Some lines, particularly in the first stanza, may be too cryptic for readers to easily interpret.

Suggestions for Improvement:
1. Consider adding more concrete imagery or sensory details to make the abstract concepts more accessible to readers.
2. Explore ways to create a smoother transition between the themes of knowledge and love to enhance the poem's coherence.
3. Experiment with line breaks and stanza structure to emphasize key ideas and create a more rhythmic flow.
4. Consider developing the mythological aspects further to align more closely with the genre considerations.
5. Reflect on ways to make the poem's message more universally relatable while maintaining its depth.
6. Consider adding a title that complements and enhances the poem's themes.

Overall Quality:
         This poem demonstrates a commendable attempt at exploring profound philosophical concepts through poetic language. Its strengths lie in its thought-provoking ideas and unique perspective on love and knowledge. While it could benefit from some refinement in structure and imagery, the poem shows promise and originality. With further development, it has the potential to become a powerful piece that resonates deeply with readers. Keep exploring these intriguing themes and refining your poetic voice!
-Prier


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Synesthesia and The Quintessential Empath

Review by Prier


Summary:

         This essay explores the concept of synesthesia, initially described as the ability to feel others' physical experiences. The author ponders whether this extends to emotional empathy and other forms of sensory crossover. The essay then delves into an analysis of Van Gogh's painting style, suggesting that the artist's unique approach might be a form of synesthesia. The author proposes that Van Gogh painted not just what he saw, but what he felt with his eyes, resulting in a distinctive kinesthetic quality in his work. The essay concludes by speculating whether Van Gogh's supposed madness could be attributed to an overwhelming form of synesthesia.

Grammar and Spelling:

The text contains minimal grammar and spelling errors. There are a few minor issues:
1. "Afterall" should be "After all" (two words).
2. Some comma placements could be adjusted for improved clarity.

Constructive Criticism:

1. The opening definition of synesthesia is somewhat inaccurate and could be more precise.
2. The transition from the general discussion of synesthesia to Van Gogh's painting style is abrupt and could be smoother.
3. The essay could benefit from more personal reflection or examples to support the author's ideas about synesthesia and art.
4. The conclusion about Van Gogh's madness and synesthesia feels speculative and could be better supported or explored.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Research and provide a more accurate definition of synesthesia at the beginning of the essay.
2. Include personal experiences or observations related to synesthesia or empathy to make the essay more engaging and relatable.
3. Expand on the analysis of Van Gogh's work, perhaps by discussing specific paintings that exemplify the kinesthetic quality mentioned.
4. Consider exploring other artists or forms of art that might demonstrate synesthetic qualities to broaden the discussion.

Overall Quality:

         This essay showcases a thoughtful exploration of synesthesia and its potential connection to art, particularly in the context of Van Gogh's work. The author demonstrates a keen interest in the subject and offers intriguing insights into the artist's unique style. While the essay could benefit from more structure and supporting evidence, it presents a compelling starting point for further reflection and research. With some refinement, this piece has the potential to be a fascinating and thought-provoking exploration of the intersection between sensory perception and artistic expression.

-Prier


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Ted  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Ted

REVIEW By Prier


Summary

         The short story revolves around a young child who possesses a seemingly innocent pink teddy bear named Damian. However, the bear reveals a sinister side, displaying a hatred for the child's mother. As the child engages in a darkly comedic dialogue with the bear, they plot to harm the mother. The story escalates when the bear, with its hidden claws and razor-sharp teeth, attacks the mother, leading to a gruesome scene. The child, caught between the desire for maternal nourishment and the bear's violent intentions, realizes the consequences of their actions too late.

Notable Grammar and Spelling Errors:

1. The phrase "my fat little hands" could be rephrased for clarity and tone.

2. The dialogue punctuation is inconsistent, particularly with the use of quotation marks.

3. The phrase "bared her udders" may be considered inappropriate or jarring in context.

4. The transition between the bear's actions and the child's thoughts could be smoother.

Constructive Criticism:

         The story effectively blends horror and comedy, creating a unique atmosphere that captures the reader's attention. However, the characterization of the child and the mother could be more nuanced to enhance emotional engagement. The dialogue, while humorous, sometimes lacks clarity and could benefit from more distinct voices for each character. Additionally, the pacing feels rushed in parts, particularly during the climax, which could be expanded to build tension and suspense.

Suggestions for Improvement (in order of importance):

1. Character Development: Flesh out the characters, particularly the mother and child, to create a more relatable emotional landscape. This could involve exploring the child's feelings towards the mother beyond mere irritation.

2. Dialogue Clarity: Ensure that each character's dialogue is distinct and clear. Consider using more varied sentence structures and tones to differentiate between the child and the bear.

3. Pacing and Tension: Slow down the climax to build suspense. Allow readers to feel the weight of the impending violence and the child's internal conflict.

4. Tone Consistency: Reassess the use of humor in conjunction with horror. Ensure that the comedic elements do not undermine the horror aspect, especially in sensitive scenes.

5. Grammar and Punctuation: Review the text for grammatical consistency, particularly in dialogue punctuation and phrasing, to enhance readability.

Overall Judgment:

         This short story presents a compelling and imaginative premise that successfully intertwines horror and comedy. While it has notable strengths in creativity and concept, addressing the character depth, dialogue clarity, and pacing will significantly enhance its impact. With some revisions, this piece has the potential to resonate strongly with readers and leave a lasting impression. Keep up the good work!

-Prier


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of The Lucky Numbers  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
The Lucky Numbers

Review By Prier


Summary

          "The Lucky Numbers" is a horror story that intertwines the past and present of Lisa Wicker, a woman haunted by her college experiences with a secretive club called The Lucky Numbers. The narrative begins with a seemingly innocuous letter from her son's teacher, Renee Morgan, who turns out to be a figure from Lisa's past. As they meet, the story unfolds to reveal dark memories of initiation rituals, pranks, and a traumatic event involving Lisa's rape. The tension escalates as Lisa confronts Renee, leading to a shocking climax where Lisa murders her former classmate in a twisted act of revenge, culminating in a chilling "no-hard-feelings hug."


Summary of Notable Grammar and Spelling Errors:

         The text contains several punctuation errors, particularly with the use of periods and ellipses. There are also instances of incorrect word usage, such as "then" instead of "than," and a few grammatical inconsistencies that disrupt the flow of the narrative.

Constructive Criticism:

         The story presents a compelling premise with a strong horror element, particularly in its exploration of trauma and revenge. However, the pacing is uneven, with some sections feeling rushed while others linger too long on less critical details. The dialogue, while often engaging, occasionally lacks the depth needed to fully convey the characters' emotional states, particularly in moments of tension. Additionally, the transition between the past and present could be more seamless to enhance reader immersion.

Suggestions for Improvement:

         1. Pacing: Reassess the pacing of the story to ensure that critical moments, especially those involving tension and emotional weight, are given adequate time to develop.

         2. Character Depth: Enhance character development by providing more backstory and emotional context, particularly for Lisa and Renee, to make their motivations clearer and more relatable.

         3. Dialogue: Refine dialogue to better reflect the characters' emotional states and histories, ensuring that it feels authentic and impactful, especially during tense exchanges.

         4. Transitions: Improve transitions between past and present to create a smoother narrative flow, helping readers to better understand the connections between Lisa's past experiences and her current actions.

         5. Grammar and Spelling: Conduct a thorough proofreading to correct grammatical errors and ensure consistent punctuation, which will enhance the overall readability of the text.

Conclusion:

         Overall, "The Lucky Numbers" presents a gripping and chilling narrative that effectively explores themes of trauma and revenge. With some focused revisions on pacing, character depth, and dialogue, this story has the potential to resonate even more powerfully with readers. Keep up the great work and continue honing your craft!
–Prier
10
10
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Glitch - Chapter 1: Numb

REVIEW By Prier


Summary

          In the first chapter of the novella, we are introduced to Luka Swann, a young boy grappling with the recent death of his father. The narrative unfolds his emotional turmoil, characterized by nightmares and a strained relationship with his mother, who is emotionally distant and critical. At school, Luka feels isolated and misunderstood, often resorting to sarcasm and bravado to mask his pain. His interactions with classmates reveal his struggle for acceptance and the weight of familial expectations, particularly in contrast to his seemingly perfect sister, Sofie. The chapter culminates in Luka's internal conflict as he navigates feelings of loneliness, anger, and a desperate need for love and validation, all while hinting at a mysterious online interaction with a figure named Nightshade.


Summary of Notable Errors in Spelling and Grammar

1. Run-on sentence: "I wake up drenched in my own sweat, my heartbeat tossing back and forth like a boat in a storm." This could be split for clarity.

2. Punctuation: "I can’t let them out. Not when Mother’s watching me like a hawk." The second sentence could be combined for better flow.

3. Awkward phrasing: "I feel like I can’t breathe." This could be more evocative with a stronger metaphor.

4. Inconsistent tense: "I think long and hard before saying something else so idealistic." The use of "think" in present tense contrasts with the past narrative.

Constructive Criticism

         The chapter effectively captures the emotional landscape of a young boy dealing with grief, but it could benefit from tighter sentence structure and clearer punctuation to enhance readability. The character of Luka is compelling, but his sarcasm sometimes overshadows his vulnerability, making it difficult for readers to fully connect with his pain. Additionally, the dialogue can feel stilted at times, lacking the natural flow that would make interactions more believable. The internal monologue is rich and insightful, yet it occasionally becomes repetitive, which can detract from the overall impact of his emotional journey.

Suggestions for Improvement

1. Revise Sentence Structure: Break down long sentences into shorter, more digestible ones to improve clarity and pacing.

2. Enhance Punctuation: Review punctuation usage to ensure proper pauses and breaks, which will help maintain the flow of the narrative.

3. Refine Dialogue: Make dialogue more natural and varied to reflect the characters' personalities and emotions more authentically.

4. Balance Sarcasm and Vulnerability: Ensure that Luka's sarcasm does not overshadow his emotional depth; allow moments of genuine vulnerability to shine through.

5. Clarify Internal Monologue: Streamline Luka's thoughts to avoid repetition and maintain reader engagement.

Overall Quality Judgment

         Overall, the first chapter of this novella presents a poignant exploration of grief and the complexities of childhood emotions. While it has notable strengths in character development and emotional depth, addressing the grammatical issues and enhancing the clarity of the narrative will significantly improve reader engagement. With some revisions, this story has the potential to resonate deeply with its audience, making it a compelling read in the children's and family genres. Keep up the great work, and I look forward to seeing how you refine this
–Prier


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of Hot Pursuit.  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hot Pursuit

REVIEW By Prier

Summary

         "Hot Pursuit" is a light-hearted biographical narrative that captures a humorous encounter between a woman, her son, and a group of wild turkeys outside a library.

Suggestions for Refining the Text

1. Grammar and Punctuation: Correct grammatical errors, such as "thier" to "their" and "flys" to "flies." Ensure proper punctuation, especially with dialogue.

2. Clarity and Flow: Some sentences could be restructured for better clarity and flow. For example, the transition between the lady's encounter and the son's experience could be smoother.

3. Character Development: Provide more background or context about the narrator and her son to enhance reader connection.

4. Descriptive Language: Use more vivid descriptions to paint a clearer picture of the setting and characters' emotions.

Alternatives for Sentence Structure, Word Choice, and Phrasing

- Instead of "A lady comes out of the library doors," consider "A woman emerges from the library, her arms laden with books."

- Replace "The turkey merely prances around" with "The turkey struts confidently, unfazed by the commotion."

- Change "He seems to read my mind" to "It feels as if he can sense my panic."

Constructive Criticism

         The narrative is engaging and humorous, effectively capturing a whimsical moment. However, it could benefit from more polished grammar and punctuation, as well as enhanced character development. The transitions between scenes could be smoother, and the use of descriptive language could elevate the storytelling. Additionally, the dialogue could be formatted more clearly to improve readability.

Suggestions for Improvement

1. Refining the Text:

- Revise grammatical errors and punctuation throughout the text.

- Enhance transitions between different parts of the story for better flow.

2. Alternatives for Sentence Structure:

- "Suddenly, she darts forward, and sprints, like she was on fire," could be rephrased to "In a sudden burst of energy, she sprints forward as if fleeing from flames."

- "I think, Run, son, run!" could be restructured to "I silently urge him, 'Run, son, run!'"

3. Word Choice and Phrasing:

- Instead of "screaming and zigzagging all the way," consider "screaming and weaving frantically."

- Change "Nothing prepared me for something like this" to "I was utterly unprepared for such a hilarious spectacle."

Overall Quality

         The overall quality of "Hot Pursuit" is commendable, showcasing a humorous and relatable encounter with wildlife. The narrative effectively captures the absurdity of the situation, making it enjoyable for readers. However, it suffers from grammatical errors, awkward phrasing, and a lack of character depth that could enhance the storytelling experience. With careful editing and refinement, this piece has the potential to be a delightful and engaging read. {/size:}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
On The Fast Track - Stalking ‘Gators’
REVIEW


Summary:
         This short story recounts two experiences of a Scoutmaster with his Boy Scout troop. The first involves tracking a seemingly three-legged raccoon, which turns out to be a normal raccoon carrying stolen food. The second incident occurs during a canoe trip, where the scouts misinterpret canoe and human tracks as those of a large alligator, leading to a humorous misunderstanding when some parents jokingly claim to be fishing for alligators.

Constructive critique:
         The story effectively captures the spirit of adventure and learning in scouting activities. It also demonstrates how imagination can sometimes overtake observation, providing valuable lessons for young readers. However, the narrative could benefit from more character development and dialogue to enhance reader engagement.

Suggestions for improvement:
1. Consider adding more dialogue between the scouts to bring their personalities to life.

2. Develop a stronger narrative arc by introducing a central conflict or challenge for the protagonist to overcome.

3. Incorporate more sensory details to immerse readers in the outdoor settings.

4. Tighten the pacing in some sections to maintain reader interest throughout.

5. Consider adding a reflective conclusion that ties the two experiences together and emphasizes the lessons learned.

Alternatives for sentence structure and word choice:
1. Instead of "Several secrets to being a good scoutmaster is to..." consider "To be an effective scoutmaster, one must..."

2. Replace "Oddly each set of tracks included only three prints" with "Curiously, we observed only three prints in each set of tracks."

3. Instead of "The mystery was solved when..." try "The truth revealed itself when..."

Overall quality:
         The story has a charming premise and effectively conveys the educational aspects of scouting. It successfully blends humor with valuable lessons about observation and critical thinking. However, it could benefit from more character development and a stronger narrative structure to fully engage young adult readers. With some refinement, this story has the potential to be an entertaining and instructive piece for its target audience. Good Work.
13
13
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Chapel of the Morning Star

REVIEW



Summary:

         This short story follows Lou, a soul in a purgatory-like afterlife, as he falls in love with Susan, a newly arrived soul. Lou tries to protect Susan from the "angelics" that come to take souls away, believing them to be dangerous. As their relationship develops, Lou sacrifices himself to save Susan, only to discover the angelics were actually benevolent. Lou then struggles to convince Susan of the truth and help her move on, caught between waiting for her at Heaven's gate and returning to her when she calls. The story explores themes of faith, redemption, and the nature of the afterlife.

Constructive Criticism and Suggestions:

1. Character Development:
•Deepen Lou's backstory and motivations. While we get hints of his past as an agent, more details could enhance his character.
•Develop Susan's character further. Her motivations and background could be explored more to make her decisions more impactful.

2. Pacing:
•The middle section where Lou waits at the gate could be condensed to maintain momentum.
•Consider adding more tension or conflict during the waiting periods to keep readers engaged.

3. World-building:
•The afterlife setting is intriguing, but some aspects could be clarified or expanded upon.
•Provide more details about the rules and nature of this world to help readers better understand the stakes.

4. Dialogue:
•Some dialogue feels expository. Try to make conversations more natural while still conveying necessary information.
•Use dialogue to further reveal character traits and emotions.

5. Theme Development:
•The themes of faith, redemption, and love are strong, but could be explored more deeply throughout the story.
•Consider delving more into the philosophical implications of the afterlife presented.

6. Ending:
•The ending feels somewhat abrupt. Consider expanding it to provide more closure or a stronger emotional impact.

7. Point of View:
•The story is mostly from Lou's perspective, but occasionally shifts. Maintain a consistent POV or make transitions clearer.

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Develop a stronger opening hook to immediately grab the reader's attention.
2. Add more sensory details to make the afterlife setting more vivid and immersive.
3. Explore the supporting characters (like Morgen and Karlen) in more depth to add complexity to the story.
4. Consider adding more conflict or obstacles for Lou to overcome in his quest to help Susan.
5. Tighten the pacing in the middle section to maintain reader engagement.
6. Expand on the philosophical and emotional implications of the afterlife presented.
7. Revise dialogue to make it more natural and character-revealing.
8. Strengthen the ending to provide a more satisfying conclusion to Lou and Susan's journey.

Overall Quality:

         The story presents an intriguing concept with compelling characters and themes. It successfully blends elements of romance and the paranormal within a unique afterlife setting. The central relationship between Lou and Susan is emotionally engaging, and the exploration of faith and redemption adds depth to the narrative. While there are areas for improvement in pacing, character development, and world-building, the story shows promise and has a strong foundation for further refinement.

Keep Writing

Prier
14
14
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Let's Hurt Tonight
REVIEW



Summary:

         This short story follows Mary, an asexual woman happily married to Pierre. Their relationship is tested when Mary discovers an old photograph and receives information from a friend, Shawn, suggesting Pierre might be having an affair. The story explores themes of trust, identity, and misunderstanding as Mary grapples with her emotions and prepares to confront Pierre. The narrative culminates in a twist reveal that the suspected affair was actually Pierre reconnecting with his long-lost sister, Genevieve, leading to a heartwarming resolution and reaffirmation of their love.

Constructive critique:

1. Character development: While Mary's character is well-developed, Pierre and Shawn could benefit from more depth. Consider expanding on Pierre's background and motivations, and clarify Shawn's role and intentions in the story.

2. Pacing: The story's pacing is uneven, with a slow build-up followed by a rushed conclusion. Consider balancing the narrative by trimming some of the earlier exposition and expanding on the resolution.

3. Dialogue: Some conversations, particularly between Mary and Shawn, feel stilted and overly expository. Try to make the dialogue more natural and reveal information through character interactions rather than direct statements.

4. Show, don't tell: There are instances where emotions and thoughts are explicitly stated rather than demonstrated through actions and reactions. Focus on showing character emotions through their behavior and body language.

Suggestions for improvement:

1. Develop Pierre's character more throughout the story to create a stronger emotional connection for the reader.
2. Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository, particularly in the conversation between Mary and Shawn.
3. Incorporate more sensory details and descriptions to enhance the reader's immersion in the story.
4. Consider adding more tension and conflict leading up to the reveal to heighten the emotional impact.
5. Explore Mary's asexuality and its impact on her relationship with Pierre in more depth to add complexity to their dynamic.

Overall quality:

         The story presents an intriguing premise and explores important themes related to trust, identity, and relationships. It successfully subverts expectations with its twist ending and offers a positive representation of an asexual character. However, the narrative could benefit from more balanced pacing, refined dialogue, and deeper character development. With some revisions, this story has the potential to be a compelling and emotionally resonant piece of LGBTQ+ fiction.
15
15
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ode To Oscar: Chapter One, Simplicity



Summary:

         This chapter introduces Constance Lloyd-Wilde, Oscar Wilde's wife, and provides insight into her childhood, education, and the circumstances of her meeting and marrying Oscar. It describes their courtship, wedding, and early married life, highlighting Oscar's charismatic personality and creative genius. Constance reflects on her deep love for Oscar, their family life with their sons, and her experiences during his absences. The chapter also touches on Constance's intellectual pursuits, particularly her goal to read Oscar's entire library.

Constructive critique:

1. Character development: While Constance's voice comes through, her character could be more fully developed. Consider adding more specific anecdotes or personal reflections to make her more three-dimensional.

2. Pacing: The narrative jumps quickly between different periods of Constance's life. Consider slowing down at key moments to provide more detail and emotional depth.

3. Show, don't tell: Some passages rely heavily on telling rather than showing. For example, instead of stating that Oscar was a good father, provide a specific scene demonstrating this.

4. Dialogue: The chapter lacks direct dialogue, which could bring the characters to life and add dynamism to the narrative.

5. Historical context: While some historical details are mentioned, the chapter could benefit from more specific references to the time period to ground the reader in the setting.

Suggestions for improvement:

1. Expand on key scenes, such as Constance and Oscar's first meeting or their wedding day, to create more vivid, immersive moments.

2. Incorporate more sensory details to bring the settings and experiences to life.

3. Add dialogue between Constance and Oscar to showcase their intellectual connection and personalities.

4. Provide more specific examples of Oscar's work and how it relates to their relationship.

5. Delve deeper into Constance's emotions and thoughts, particularly regarding her role as a woman in Victorian society.

6. Consider restructuring the chapter to follow a more chronological order, which may improve the flow of the narrative.

7. Explore Constance's relationships with other characters, such as her mother or children, to add depth to her character.

Overall quality:
The chapter provides an intriguing glimpse into the life of Constance Lloyd-Wilde and her relationship with Oscar Wilde. It successfully conveys Constance's admiration for her husband and offers insights into their intellectual connection. However, the narrative could benefit from more detailed scenes, improved pacing, and deeper character development to fully engage the reader and bring the historical setting to life.
16
16
Review of The Gifted Girl  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)

Review and suggestions for improvement
The Gifted Girl

Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling:
• In the first paragraph, there should be no comma after "named"
• "Mom" should not be capitalized
• There are some run-on sentences that should be broken up with periods or semicolons, such as in the second paragraph
• "she wanted" at the end of the second paragraph is redundant
• "near by" should be one word: "nearby"
• There are a few missing commas throughout, such as before dialogue tags

Sentence Structure and Phrasing:
• Some sentences are overly long and could be more concise. For example, "Brenda wasn't your typical little girl. Even though she's only 8, her IQ is well over 200 and was around 500." could be rephrased as "Although Brenda was only 8 years old, she had an extraordinary IQ of around 500, far from a typical child."
• Avoid starting so many sentences with conjunctions like "And" or "But"
• Vary sentence structure more. Many sentences follow a simple subject-verb-object pattern.
• Some dialogue tags could be more descriptive "said", like "exclaimed", "replied", "asked", etc.

Word Choice:
• "Extraterrestrial" is used repeatedly. Consider synonyms like "alien" or "otherworldly being"
• "Gift" and "ability" are also used many times. Vary word choice with alternatives like "power", "skill", "talent"
• Some words are unnecessarily repeated in close proximity, like "different" in paragraph 6
• "Light working" is an unfamiliar term that could use more explanation

Logical Flow and Clarity:{
• The story jumps around in places without smooth transitions. More description and details could help the narrative flow.
• Juystor is introduced without much context. Clarifying his backstory and motivations would improve reader understanding.
• The ending wraps up very quickly. Expanding on how exactly Brenda and Juystor brought peace and happiness to the world would provide a more satisfying conclusion.

Overall Feedback:
         This imaginative story has an intriguing premise and touches on compelling themes of friendship, destiny and using one's gifts to help others. The writing shows creativity but would benefit from tightening up the prose, fixing grammatical errors, clarifying plot points, and refining the language to be more vivid and varied. Providing more rich details about the characters, settings and events would make the story more engaging. With some polishing and revision, this could be an even more captivating tale about an extraordinary girl coming into her own. Keep working at it!
-Prier
17
17
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The narrative "A Rainy Night's Encounter" presents an engaging and suspenseful storyline, filled with twists and a surprising conclusion. However, there are several areas where improvements could elevate the quality of the writing significantly. Below are detailed suggestions for refinement:

1. Grammar and Punctuation:
- Consider using commas more effectively to improve the readability of your sentences. For example, "It was a rainy night, I took out my diary" could be better structured as "It was a rainy night; I took out my diary" or "It was a rainy night. I took out my diary".
- Watch out for run-on sentences and fragments. Breaking longer sentences into shorter, more concise ones can enhance clarity.

2. Syntax and Style:
- The use of passive voice is noticeable in several places. While it can be effective in certain contexts, active voice often makes the narrative more dynamic. For instance, "I fetched two cups from the cabinet, added some coffee powder to it" could be more engaging if rewritten in a more active voice.
- The narrative flow can be improved by varying sentence structure. This will keep the reader engaged and maintain a smooth reading experience.

3. Phrasing and Word Choice:
- Some phrases and words could be replaced with more precise or vivid alternatives to enhance the atmosphere and character development. For example, "His behavior grew insanely arbitrary" could be rephrased to "His behavior became increasingly erratic", which is clearer and more direct.
- Consider avoiding clichés or overly familiar phrases to maintain originality and impact.

4. Logical Flow and Clarity:
- Ensure that the sequence of events is logical and clear. For instance, the transition from inviting the stranger in to the sudden confrontation could be developed further for better coherence and suspense building.
- The ending twist is intriguing but might benefit from subtle hints earlier in the story to make the revelation more impactful and less abrupt.

5. Concision and Impact:
- Some passages could be condensed to make the narrative tighter and more impactful. Removing or revising unnecessary details that don't advance the plot or character development can strengthen the overall story.
- The impact of the story could be enhanced by focusing on building tension and atmosphere throughout, especially given its supernatural and suspenseful elements.

Overall Quality Judgement:
The narrative demonstrates creativity and a knack for storytelling, particularly with its twist ending. However, it would benefit from attention to grammatical accuracy, sentence structure, and phrasing to improve readability and engagement. Enhancing logical flow and clarity will make the plot more coherent, while focusing on concision can increase its impact. With these adjustments, the piece has the potential to be a compelling and polished story that effectively captivates readers.
18
18
Review of Darlene  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The narrative you've presented is engaging and paints a vivid picture of circus life, focusing on the character Darlene, a fortune teller with a pragmatic view of her profession. The story is rich in detail, character development, and has a clear narrative arc. However, there are opportunities for refinement to enhance clarity, concision, and impact. Below are specific suggestions for improvement:
1. Opening Sentence Clarity: The opening sentence could be more impactful by directly establishing the setting and protagonist. Consider rephrasing for immediate clarity and engagement. For example: "In the bustling oddities row of Circus Vargas, I, Darlene, presided over my fortune-telling booth—my sanctuary of the surreal."
2. Consistency in Tone and Perspective: The narrative maintains a conversational tone, which suits the story well. However, ensure that the perspective remains consistently first-person to avoid any confusion. There are moments where the narrative seems to waver slightly in its focus on Darlene's internal thoughts versus external actions.
3. Character Development: While Darlene and the other characters are intriguing, offering more backstory or insights into their motivations could deepen the reader's connection to them. For instance, a brief mention of why Darlene chose fortune telling or how she feels about her role in the circus could add depth.
4. Concision and Redundancy: Look for areas where the text could be tightened. For instance, "I wore large flowy blouses, big hoop earrings, and baggy pants" could be condensed to "I wore flowy blouses, hoop earrings, and baggy pants" without losing meaning.
5. Dialogue and Interaction: The dialogue is a strong point, particularly in its ability to reveal character. However, ensuring that each line of dialogue serves to move the story forward or reveal something new about the characters could tighten the narrative. For example, the exchange with Gus could be streamlined to escalate the tension more quickly.
6. Descriptive Language: Your descriptions vividly paint the circus environment and characters. Enhancing this with more sensory details—such as sounds, smells, and tactile sensations—could further immerse the reader. For example, describing the texture of Darlene's flowy blouse or the smell of the circus tent could add another layer of realism.
7. Punctuation and Grammar: There are minor punctuation and grammatical errors throughout the text that slightly hinder readability. For instance, "It was up in the Adirondack mountains and fall was about to take over" could benefit from a semicolon or a conjunction to improve flow: "It was up in the Adirondack Mountains; fall was about to take over."
8. Ending and Impact: The narrative ends abruptly due to the word limit, but ensuring a satisfying conclusion that ties back to the themes introduced at the beginning can enhance its impact. Consider what lesson or change you want Darlene—or the reader—to experience by the end.
Overall, your writing is compelling and paints a vivid picture of circus life through the eyes of a skeptical fortune teller. With adjustments for clarity, concision, and depth, this piece has the potential to be even more engaging and impactful. Keep honing your craft; your narrative voice is distinct and promising.
19
19
Review of The Great Unknown  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This piece of writing has a strong, assertive voice and conveys a clear message about the importance of shaping the minds of the next generation. The author uses powerful metaphors, like the comparison of molding young minds to bending hot steel, to drive their point home.
However, some of the phrasing could be refined for greater clarity and impact. The central argument could also be strengthened by providing more concrete examples of how to instill respect in the next generation.
Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:
The grammar, punctuation, and spelling in this piece are generally correct. There are no glaring errors that need to be addressed.
Syntax and Style:
- The first sentence could be rephrased to be more concise, e.g., "I sit at my desk, writing about things I have no direct knowledge of."
- The phrase "cannot control those who will" in the second paragraph is unclear. Consider rephrasing for clarity.
- The analogy of bending steel when it's hot vs. hard could be made more explicit by directly connecting it to the idea of shaping young minds.
Alternatives for Sentence Structure, Word Choice, and Phrasing:
- Instead of "Everywhere I turn," consider "Everywhere I look" for a more visual phrase.
- "We must decide now to provide those solutions when the matrix is still forming" could be rephrased as "We must choose to offer these solutions while minds are still malleable."
- "Any fool knows" could be replaced with a less colloquial phrase like "It's common knowledge."
Overall Quality Judgment:
Overall, this is a thought-provoking piece that, with some polishing, could be a persuasive call to action for shaping the attitudes and beliefs of youth. The author's passion for the topic shines through, but a bit more focus and refinement could elevate this from a good piece of writing to a great one.
20
20
Review of Dark Side of Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Strengths:
Strong Introduction: The opening sentence effectively captures the reader's attention by highlighting the contrasting nature of love.
Vivid Imagery: The use of metaphors and descriptive language creates a strong visual impact and evokes emotions.
Comprehensive Exploration: The essay delves into various aspects of love's dark side, including manipulation, control, unrequited affection, and societal influences.
Thoughtful Conclusion: The essay concludes with a powerful message about the importance of acknowledging and understanding the complexities of love.
Strong Vocabulary: The use of sophisticated vocabulary enhances the essay's intellectual depth and sophistication.
Areas for Improvement:
Sentence Structure: Some sentences are overly long and complex, making them difficult to read and understand. Consider breaking down these sentences into shorter, more manageable chunks.
Word Choice: While the vocabulary is strong, there are instances where simpler words could be used to improve clarity and conciseness.
Flow and Transitions: The essay could benefit from smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of ideas.
Redundancy: There are a few instances of repetition, particularly in the use of certain phrases like "dark side of love."
Specific Actionable Suggestions:
Sentence 2: Consider splitting this sentence into two separate sentences to improve readability.
Sentence 5: Replace "individuals vulnerable to the whims of another" with a more concise phrase like "vulnerable to another's control."
Paragraph 3: Add a transition sentence at the beginning to connect it more effectively with the previous paragraph.
Sentence 10: Replace "individuals may grapple with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt" with a more impactful phrase like "individuals may be consumed by feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt."
Conclusion: Consider adding a call to action, encouraging readers to reflect on their own experiences with love's dark side.
Overall Judgement:
This is a well-written essay that explores a complex and often overlooked aspect of love. The author demonstrates a strong understanding of the subject matter and uses vivid language to convey their message. However, the essay could be further improved by addressing the areas for improvement mentioned above. By implementing these suggestions, the author can enhance the clarity, conciseness, and overall impact of their writing.
21
21
Review of Fragile  Open in new Window.
Review by Prier Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Overall, the writing demonstrates a strong emotional depth and introspection on the theme of fragility and emotional turmoil. However, there are areas that could be improved for clarity and flow.
Suggestions for improvement:
1. Consider breaking down long sentences for better readability and flow.
2. Watch out for repetitive phrases and try to vary your language to maintain reader engagement.
3. Check for punctuation errors and ensure consistency in punctuation usage throughout the text.
4. Work on transitioning between ideas smoothly to enhance the logical flow of the narrative.
5. Consider incorporating more descriptive language and vivid imagery to evoke stronger emotions in the reader.
6. Next time, use a larger font and break up your text into paragraphs. Your readers will appreciate it.
Alternative phrasing:
1. Instead of "Have you ever thought about your cause of sadness or anger when you lay down on your bed to stare at the roof or when you cry yourself out?", consider "Have you ever reflected on the root of your sadness or anger as you lie in bed staring at the ceiling or weeping?"
2. Instead of "Whenever I get annoyed by the tiniest things my parents say I’m sensitive, but in truth I’m just trying to vent my anger against this world", consider "When trivial comments from my parents irk me, they label me as oversensitive, yet I am merely seeking an outlet for my frustration with the world."
In conclusion, the writing effectively conveys deep emotions and personal struggles, but refining the structure, language, and coherence could elevate its impact on the reader. Keep honing your craft and experimenting with different writing techniques to enhance the overall quality of your work.
21 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/criper