\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/croselange
Review Requests: OFF
49 Public Reviews Given
49 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I aim to provide you with two strengths, two technical edits, two areas for improvement, and one "Challenge Mode". A Challenge Mode is typically a writing exercise that addresses an area of improvement.
I'm good at...
Giving specific lines that need improvement. Using terms like "floating heads" and "info dump". Going beyond the obvious.
Favorite Genres
Cross genres. "girl discovers special ability". Inventive. Witty Horror. Magic. Dragons. Superheroes. Robots. Computer Programmers. Spies.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance. Teen. Straight Horror. In your face gore. In your face sex.
Favorite Item Types
Chapter. Short Story.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry. Flash Fiction.
I will not review...
Essays. Sex. Blocks of Text. Fan Fiction. Death by Spiders. Home Invasion. Murdered in Bed. Toys that come to life. Anything that would make a good 'twilight zone' episode ... I shudder to think.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The purpose of my reviews are to be as constructive as possible.
Remember, I am not a professional editor. You are allowed to disagree with me.
Feel free to ask for clarification or examples.

Strengths
*Leaf2g* Hook: Great hook. It shows Kenton's personality right off the bat, already we are moving toward the main plot in the city, and even non-magical folk can relate to the difficulty of trying to accomplish tasks while traveling.
*Leaf2g* Character Perspective: As a new master, Kenton is powerful enough for the reader to take interest, but also ignorant enough that the reader can learn about the city and the masters at the same time as Kenton.

Technical Edits
*Leaf2y* "Kention"
*Leaf2y* "very short and i did not"

Areas For Improvement
*Leaf2o* Floating Heads: You have several sections of pure dialogue with minimal description, action, or thoughts to balance it out. This makes the reader feel the characters are floating and not grounded to the scene. Try adding fidgeting, taking a step forward, a bird darting through, etc.
*Leaf2o* Info Dump: While the mysterious letter was a great idea to introduce the key players and hint at covert undertones, it was also an info dump. This is too much information all at once for the reader to retain. I recommend condensing and reconsidering the wording/style of the letter. More importantly, when Kenton meets the other masters, don't assume the reader will remember what was said about them in the mysterious letter. A possible solution to this is to have Kenton think back to the letter several times in this scene.

Challenge Mode
*Penbl* I challenge you to write a pretend letter to a newcomer in your life. Tell them about five people (teachers, friends, family, etc.) and just see how that feels. How formal were you? Did you give the same amount of information on each? Were your sentences long or short? Now compare this pretend letter to the mysterious letter Kenton received.
2
2
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Informative!

I pride myself on knowing how to use Google to get what I want, yet I didn't know this advanced side.
Writing research just became more fun.

Thank you for sharing this and going into such detail.

I typically don't review 'article/essay' types, but I found this helpful and put me in the mood to write.
3
3
Review of Reversion  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I did not see the mermaid bit coming.
I like that the story moved from, calm break up, to how they met, to him changing her back, to Caleb noticing another woman.
At first I was concerned that the beginning dialogue is not grounded with description, but now I see that was on purpose so as not to give away the surprise.

Well written and it left me smiling.

Good luck and keep writing!
4
4
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Leaf2g* I especially enjoyed the comparison patterns you set up in the 1st and 3rd stanza.
*Leaf2g* Thank you for not resorting to "slant" rhymes. You stayed true to your rhyming pattern.


*Leaf2y* Watch out for your/you're errors. (You're) means (you are). (Your) is possessive like (its) (my) and (Katherine's).
*Leaf2y* Typo. In the last line, (im) should be (I'm).
5
5
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I typically don't review articles, but I found this one helpful.
I especially like the "embrace failure" and "give yourself a second chance".
I vaguely remember a study that talked about how procrastinators who are mad at themselves for procrastinating are more likely to keep procrastinating, but procrastinators who forgive themselves are more likely to stay on top of their tasks the next time around.
Thank you for an eye opening read :)
6
6
Review of Trail's End  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
The purpose of my reviews are to be as constructive as possible.
Remember, I am not a professional editor. You are allowed to disagree with me.
Feel free to ask for clarification or examples.

Strengths
*Leaf2g* Setting the scene visually. When the reader can see where the characters are, it is easier for them to delve into your story. Well done.
*Leaf2g* Strong ending, very emotional. You do well pushing the emotion throughout.

Technical Edits
*Leaf2y* "he mentally added" is not needed.
*Leaf2y* "she looks so frail" is present tense, but you have been using past tense.

Areas For Improvement
*Leaf2o* Show don't Tell. You told us about Emily bonding with Goliath, about the buyers of Goliath, and about Emily's cancer.
"but she said she was tired" shows the reader about Emily's cancer.
The strong oak comparison is an opportunity to hint at Emily's cancer. You could tag on "at least in spirit" after the bit about Emily being strong.
The reader will be more interested in reading on if you start hinting that Emily is sickly and build up to cancer, instead of just telling the reader that Emily has cancer.

*Leaf2o* Character Name Differentiation. Julio and Josh are a little too visually similar. It will make it easier on your reader if you rename Josh something either longer than Julio, or at least starting with a different letter.

Challenge Mode
*Penbl* I challenge you to write a scene where Julio and Josh are trying to discuss Emily's cancer, but Emily is in the room and they don't want her to know what they are talking about. How does Josh describe what is happening without saying cancer, and how does Julio offer him consolation without saying cancer?
7
7
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well Worded Phrases:
"Year Irrelevant"
"tongue fluttered in vain"
Jon's "but I could use some assistance" dialogue

Areas For Improvement
Overused the word "as" in the opening paragraph.
The 'life flashing before his eyes' bit felt rushed. I'm not recommending you go full flashback mode here, but perhaps a few more details of what he sees and less telling: "teaching me how to do things".

Strengths
Realistic Dialogue
Action that sustains reader interest.

Well penned :)
8
8
Review of GOOD STUFF!  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good job staying true to the man's clearly incorrect perception of his wife's final words and death.

I recommend converting your first paragraph from telling to showing. This can be done through dialogue and description.
I recommend taking out about 3/7 of the wife's dialogue. She isn't the main character and it pauses the momentum to spend extra time on this issue when a few lines can easily convey it to the reader.

I enjoyed how the husband kept severely misinterpreting - especially the last line was well crafted.
9
9
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem was like a high five from a good friend.
I just read a few morose poems, I'll think I'll make your poem my last review of the day and end on a happy note :)

Great rhythm
Cheery theme
Consistent imagery.
You took the time to both expand the idea and look at it in a new lens (love) in the last stanza.

And with that I good to bed!

Thank you for a pleasant read :)
10
10
Review of Valor  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The imagery is your strong suite. You really set the stage.
I could visualize myself there.

I didn't understand the connection to mental illness.
The lines "embrace myself", "enemy mine", and "little cups of valor" seem to do with emotion, but I never developed a clear understand of the intent of this piece.

Favorite lines:
enemy mine
all the physical descriptions
11
11
Review of Fading Colors  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
For the "I almost didn't follow it line" - I would find this more believable if there were more than two levels to what Willow said.

In an official letter I doubt they would say "and still only eighteen years old"

I recommend you work on expanding this by showing and not telling. You told me a lot about his world - his responsibilities, the abuse, the blood money. Try showing me this. Show him turning down going out after school because he has responsibilities, show him making dinner and helping with homework, show him nervous when he interacts with his father, if Hayden has some elemental ability can you show him using it? - even if just to clean the dishes.

I really enjoyed the concept, that's why I clicked on this in the first place.
I hope you expand this, as it will be a fun read :)
12
12
Review of One Night a Year  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
"Hands that burst ..." favorite line.

I like the building description and how you drop hints along the way that get more and more obvious (goblins, door bell, etc.) until the most obvious clue "TRICK OR TREAT!"

Nicely done.
Keep writing :)

.. is silentness a word?
13
13
Review of A Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
An interesting start. Good thinking with that last line implying that it isn't just a dream.

Remember to start a new paragraph whenever a character speaks.

Try to balance description and action around the dialogue. It will help the reader get into the story if they see the character walk into the office and are shown what the office looks like.

SB means Should Be
Welcom back SB Welcome back
the way I cam SB the way I came
we a lot to discuss SB we have a lot to discuss

Keep writing :)
14
14
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What a fun prompt.

In my opinion your strength is dialogue. The voices are distinguishable.

An area for improvement is balancing your dialogue with action and description. This will 'ground' your scene more so the reader does drift away.
Look up "floating heads".
15
15
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
You convey the emotion well.
Good job showing and not telling in general.
Consider working Polio into the conversation or connecting it to Houma noticing the scars.


I was a little confused on how sick Allie was because they leap into each other's arms and walk around - and Allie's face is hollow and she has some kind of scarring?

Another thing that would help is breaking it down into more paragraphs.
This will make it easier on the readers' eyes.

You've got a solid start - keep writing! :)
16
16
Review of saving josie  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Powerful ending with a well worded twist!

In my opinion, a key part of revising this will be making it easier for the reader to read.
This can be done by breaking up the paragraphs.

Start a new paragraph whenever a character speaks.
Avoid long bulky paragraphs. If a paragraph is more than 10 sentences, it is probably time to start a new paragraph.

Typos:
First Paragraph:
- the alignment is centered. I recommend aligning left like the following paragraphs
- ever night (should be) every night

Repeated Typos:
Johnathen/Jonathen - go back and pick one spelling. Also be careful to capitalize his first name. This is true of Leerik/leerik as well.

Keep writing :)
17
17
Review of Running away  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
An intriguing read.

It felt a little awkward that you used the word 'life' so much in the first few sentences of the second paragraph.

Be careful to show and not tell. Her family preferring her brother would be a great thing to show with a scene of him receiving presents.
18
18
Review of The Sanguine Song  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am a fan of longer poetry with a story such as this.
When you said "kohl" did you mean "coal" or am I missing something?
I liked the line "The reluctant and the brash"
I recommend "still haunts her in (her) dreams"
I liked the line "The music of her racing blood", and all the lines that lead up to the blood-song metaphor.
I do not understand the line "Yet, her searches could not find that missing spark of life."
I felt the line break of the following stanza were awkward and could be improved
"He does not hesitate. His sin
is he cannot control
the sanguine melody within
that entwines his soul."
The ending confuses me - are you implying they are about to die because of the sun and or not running from the searchers you mentioned earlier?
I didn't like that after the sex was so subtly and well worded you went and said orgasm.
I was confused by what you meant when you said strike.

I love the double meaning of sanguine :) It is in my top ten favorite words.
19
19
Review of Lying  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Nicely organized.
Who is the author of "The False Prince"?
Consider including and then rejecting the view of someone who believes lying is a bad thing.
The introduction and conclusion could be more filled out.
Your "mapping" sentence uses the tags "literature", "history", and "science" - be sure to use the tags in the transitional sentence of each key point paragraph and remind the reader of these three points in the conclusion.
20
20
Review of Mr. Bones  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow! I enjoyed this immensely. Great structure and direction. The dialogue was easy to differentiate between characters. I wasn't tempted to skip sections.

When she says "yeah" and "or something" I felt this wasn't true to her voice.

Great job dropping clues, yet still having an unexpected ending. Yay :) Good job.
21
21
Review by C. Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
My 21st birthday was in the middle of my Junior year of college, yet your protagonist had her's in the middle of her senior year? And yet she was the typical 15 years old at a high school sophomore... Math.

Try to back off on the telling.

I felt the double lit/movie references right off the bat was too much.

The flashbacks get jumpy jumbled and telling.

You have very interesting characters.
I think your ending could have been wittier if it had been more concise. I felt like you tried to give me three punchlines.

Like the line "the analogy wasn't meant to be a complete one" and how she was in awe of God and Jesus but annoyed at meeting Satan.

Your strength is dialogue and characters.
Your weakness is telling vs. showing and transitioning into exposition.
21 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/croselange