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Review of Mind Trigger  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
WOW!!! I like all of it. A story, a truth, a secret, a limit . . . you pulled back the curtain and showed us the broken, scared, wizard at the helm and the journey through mismanaged emotions. I think many of us can relate and have found ourselves somewhere on that spectrum . . . more than once.

I absolutely love the end:
"Wishing one day to wake up and see
The girl I used to be she has returned to me." Again, I think many of us, at least from time to time, long for that younger, less filed to the rim version of ourselves . . . a self that lived in a simpler more carefree time when there was "more room" in our "bottles."

I have had my fair share of less than stellar reactions to triggers, and emotional situations that I let get the best of me . . . and the walk of shame that follows . . . and the "crawl" back to dignity.

No suggestions for improvements!!!

Thank you for this honest read. I wish you well on your journey!

Cyndee


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Review of Turning Pages  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem definitely touched my heart. As I understand it, the author has feelings for someone, deeper than friendship and ponders the risk of sharing those feelings and/or keeping them hidden.

I love this verse:
There's something I've wanted to tell you,
It causes me great joy but hurts
If my silence breaks, would we be the same?
Will our times become better, or worse?

My favorite line: "If my silence breaks, would we be the same?" . . . This one line says so much and many of us have been there: Do I put it on the line? Does he or she feel the same? What if they don't? Will I survive the embarrassment, the rejection? Will I ruin what we have? I especially like that you chose to use the word breaks as it suggests the enormity of the feelings, and tells me that "it" is bigger than the author.

I also like the following verse and wonder if a couple of small changes might better pinpoint the message:
"My feelings are locked in a dance with guilt--might fear be a better word?
They threaten to break what is sacred--perfect line!
Should I hide them away?--Love it!
Cover them and covet them until we part ways?"--Consider something like, "Cover them and long to share them until we part.

Finally, I suggest changing, paper to page in the last line as it will tie in the title . . . And turn the page to you.

All-in-all. I loved reading your poem. It brought me back to moments in my life when I faced the same/similar situations.

I gave you a 5-star rating because I think the poem is great as it is, even if you don't consider my suggestions. :)

Cyndee


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Review of The Steps  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love your idea of bringing life to the steps, and the conversation that ensued. I enjoyed the various personalities, and how you reflected them through your comentartary. For example," Step Five was the quiet one of the group." I also appreciated how the conversation brought the past/their history to life.

I have one suggestion and one question. My suggestion is to make the dialogue more casual and friendly, for example instead of, " “Every one of you is wrong, yet each of you has a valid argument.” Consider, "Everyone may have a different perspective, but you all make a valid point."

My question: I am not hearing how Step 6 is "the step that cried wolf," as I did not hear an unneeded cry for help? I did however, hear a "woe is me, cry of complaint."

All-in-all, I enjoyed this read and the story of the old steps.

Cyndee


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Review of Susan Smiled  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked your story. It was both heartwarming and heartbreaking.

I like that Mr. Grant is a good guy and that he has such patience with Jenny. I like the rapport that he and Susan appear to have, but I had to grasp at straws a bit to make sense of why Mr. Grant turned to Susan and said, “That was pretty quick, is she feeling well today?" I assume she comes in frequently and has some sort of "episode" that Mr. Grant navigates with ongoing grace. Assuming I am right, I think that could have been more clearly articulated.

Write on,
Cyndee


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Rated: E | (3.5)
IMHO, one cannot really critique another's "jottings," at least not for quality of content or right or wrongness. That said, I do think that if one is going to publicly share their "jottings" they should not use abbreviations, "abt," for example, and they should proofread, to catch things like a dropped "g" on the word bang, as in, "big ban," before sharing.

While I do not share any of the above thoughts, and I am not religious, I like that you shared them. I do appreciate reading opposing views as they can expand my world.

I also think you are brave putting yourself out there at such a young age.

I love your ending, your curiosity and your car rides. "Ever since I was little I've always thought abt the world like how something is made and why there's leap years and stuff like that. I used to ask my dad questions like these in car rides but now I've stopped and I think I'm answering them myself now but I honestly don't know much and i have many questions and I don't know much about science but I know simple stuff. I don't know what to write. It's hard to think of something knew if I'm only thinking about the present i might just find a place to post this all on rn."

You filled my heart with this "jotting of exploration." Just clean it up as best you can and keep sharing your thoughts . . . and most importantly, tbone, NEVER EVER stop asking questions.

Write passionately,
Cyndee


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Review of Swimming  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am not a professional at this type of poetry or any for that matter, but based on your description, you nailed it.

I like and feel confused by the comparison of diving down and swimming to flying. I like that it's a question, and it made me stop and think . . . While I am familiar with diving and swimming, I am not familiar with flying outside of a plane. I did, however, experience weightless flying in a small 2-seater plane--awful experience. It took me an hour to get my stomach back. Based on that experience, I would equate it, and diving to sinking, as I experience both to have resistance. That said, the curiosity comes from the idea that someone else could experience it as flying so it opens a loop of curiosity . . . Nicely done.

I must close our "debate" by saying that I would think flying would be a light, free, more effortless experience . . . well, unless you are a bee or a hummingbird. (Insert shoulder shrug emoji here). *Smile*

Only one suggestion: Consider adding it to additional genres. Three that popped out for me are Entertainment, Experience, and Nonsense.


Live and write passionately,
Cyndee


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Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I think the concept of bickering reindeers and getting a glimpse into their private interactions is a wonderful idea for a script. I also got a kick out of "put a hoof" in it, Rudolph. That was clever. *Smile*

Warning: Delicate content follows. Based on the rest of my reaction, I'm not your target market. I appreciate humor and sarcasm but, imho, the piece lacks balance. The ongoing vituperous exchange between the reindeer hurt my little Christmas, reindeer loving heart. I prefer to imagine the herd doing the Reindeer Boogie,"limbering their legs and getting ready to spread Christmas cheer." That said, even the best of siblings "have their moments." I think I would have appreciated it and written a different review if it wasn't an all-out cap-fest and there was more balance in the interaction.

That said, I think the overall concept invites room to play.

Write and Live Passionately,
Cyndee


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Review of Unforgotten Souls  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice Writing. Your story and conversation flow nicely. There is a solid beginning, middle and end.

I was warmed by the story, and saddened by the unfortunate truth that far too many aging souls spend their last days in cold environments like nursing homes, and not in surroundings inhabited with family. I also love, love, loved the birthday party for your Christopher. It was unexpected and so sweet.

Correction: I believe you meant to use the word an in your description. You have, "Distant memories become in impromptu birthday party in a cemetery." I think you meant, Distant memories become an impromptu birthday party in a cemetery

Suggestion: In my personal opinion, I think this short work deserves a stronger name. Consider something like:
1. Phantoms--Loved Ones All but Forgotten . . . or
2. Echos--Unforgotten Souls . . . or
3. Attic Memories, and Phantom Souls

Suggestion: I also think you can punch up the description and not give away the sweetest part of the story--the birthday party. IDK, something like: A Centenarian reminisces about obscure apparitions.

Suggestion: I think you could target other genres with this piece and expand your reach. Consider: Drama, Emotional, LGBTQ+.

I did not ding you any stars because the piece is complete and doesn't warrant any penalties. My suggestions are merely for possible improvements.

Thanks you for sharing your story. True or not, it is sweet and it touched my heart.

Live and write passionately,
Cyndee


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Review of Dynamic Phase  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like your title. I like your description. They are both in alignment with your poem.

I like the movement of the first verse as it introduces life's constant shift, then slaps two bookends on it with the last statement, "Each one, a unique chapter to live." I don't know if you meant to do that but I like it.

Likewise, I liked the message in the second verse:
"The shadows of yesterday,
Dissipate as dawn's light takes its place,
Today, I am renewed with each daybreak." . . . As I read this I can take it both literally and metaphorically, and I like that.

Ahhh, here comes the struggle:
"a future to borrow, . . . I can't agree that my future is borrowed because if it is, it is not mine to live, for it belongs to someone else. And, I shant take that position in MY life. A gift, yes! Borrowed, no!

Suggestion: consider the reality of the following line and whether or not you believe it possible, "New experiences to embrace without sorrow.". . . I mean can anyone, anywhere embrace ALL new experiences without sorrow? To me, that suggests that I will never lose or regret or make another mistake . . . and that is not possible in the school of life.

Those two lines aside, I enjoyed your poem. Thank you for sharing it.

Suggestion: I think your poem fits in the spiritual genre, as well as the two you have chosen. Consider adding it to that genre, too.

Live and write passionately,
Cyndee


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Great title and description. It immediately tells me who your article is for and what I can expect from reading it. I love your message about authentic engagement and "sticking around" for an actual conversation. Likewise, I like that you punctuated that concept by saying, "You will be amazed at the results!"

I appreciate the section headers. They chunk ideas down so the brain can sort more efficiently, and they make the piece flow better.

Suggestion: Consider making the piece more personal by talking directly to your reader. Using a passage from your last paragraph, here's an example: So, dear leader, invest in your own website and create an email, mailing list on a permission-based platform so you can continue to nurture a relationship with your subscribers until they are ready to work with you or refer you . . . The original passage reads as follows: "So, create your own website. And create an email mailing list on a permission-based platform so you can continue to nurture the relationships until they are ready to work with you or refer you." . . . Also, notice that I added a comma after the word email, highlighted above so you can easily find it. *Smile*

Revision Suggestion: In my opinion, the following paragraph can be more effective if you tighten it up. I also think it will flow better and sink in deeper if you break it into two paragraphs. See the revision suggestion, below:

I’m probably preaching to the choir here, but I feel like I need to say this. Anything you read on social media should be verified by numerous sources. There is a lot of content on social media that is not true. It's called social media for a reason. It's a place to be social. It's a place to meet new people, connect share socially. And we all know what happens in social situations…people chat, say things, we don’t always believe them. We take in the information with every intention of taking time later on to check it out. I have a saying: “Everyone gets exactly what they are looking for and there's room for everyone.” By this I mean, please remember that some people have the need to try to influence other people, even control other people so you will want to remember that as you read what some might call "news" on social media. Just verify before you believe or share.

I’m probably preaching to the choir, but I feel like I need to say this. There is a lot of content on social media that is not true and anything you read on your social channels should be verified by a trustworthy source . . . or two. It's called social media for a reason. It's a place to be social. It's a place to meet new people, connect, and share, socially. And we all know what happens in social situations…people chat, and sometimes say things that just aren’t true. We take in the information with the intention of fact-checking, and we don’t always get around to it.

I have a saying: “Everyone gets exactly what they are looking for, and there's room for everyone.” By this I mean some people have the need to try to influence other people, even control them so you will want to remember that as you read what some might call "news" on social media. Just verify before you believe or share.

Suggestion 2: Regarding "Please Choose The High Road." I like your conversational style throughout this piece. I also respect it in a leader. However, sometimes a more authoritative voice is what the message needs. My suggestion, here, is a straightforward statement: Take the High Road. It matches the action, in strength and meaning.

Suggestion: Bold all of your headers so they stand out

In conclusion, I celebrate your message and appreciate that there is someone out there promoting authentic, and real engagement on social media. ROCK ON with your message, and leadership style!!!

Live and write passionately,
Cyndee


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Review of Mother's House  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well written, but not my cup of tea.

You moved the reader quickly and seamlessly through your story. As I started reading the third paragraph I paused and said to myself, I know where this is going . . . and it did go exactly where I thought it was going.

First suggestion: Give a warning as to the nature of your piece. Simply informing the reader that the piece is dark would suffice.

Suggestions #2: Add it to the dark genre, and perhaps the death genre, too. You'll get more exposure, and people who like this type of prose will more readily find it.

I dung you 1/2 a star because I feel strongly about warnings when the content is dark.

Live and write passionately,
Cyndee


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Rated: E | (3.5)
Great objective with this poem . . . to illuminate Martin Luther King's words of poignant, profound wisdom.

I like your overall message and would like to make a couple of suggestions that may make it read more poetically, imho.

1. Consider the following changes to the first verse:
Darkness can scatter
By a solitary light;
Be not afraid to shine,
to dispel what hides in shadows

2. The above suggestion also eliminates the use of the word "light" two lines in a row.

3. Hatred is fanned higher by the same; There is no need to add the word higher as that is exactly what "fanned" does to a fire so the word is redundant.

4. Fewer words, in this context, can be highly effective. My suggestion is as follows:
Hatred is fanned by the same;
Do not add fuel to the fire -
Be one who shows forgiveness;
Even when not warranted . . . I don't know why, but the word deserved is not working for me. (Insert shoulder shrug emoji here).

I would do nothing to change the last verse. It is effective and tells me that the wisdom that lies beneath one's ego (our finite mind) will bring peace that goes beyond "mere understanding." . . . Brilliant!!!

It makes no sense,
To our finite minds;
But the infinite wisdom
gives us peace beyond understanding.

Live and write passionately,
Cyndee


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Review of Too Much To Ask  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Much is said in this poem and I like it.

Great opening verse.

Suggestion 1: Clarify your intention is the 4th verse. I read it a couple of times and still wasn't sure if you were saying that Henry overrode the Pope's authority and decreed what is and isn't sin. Or if Henry, in outing Katherine, and choosing Anne, chose to live in sin.

Suggestion 2: In verse #5 you use the word many three times. Is that too many times, in one verse?
Consider:
Strife continued
For many a year
Religion's countless faces
Caused a multitude of fears

Suggestion 3: The very last line, "His mind he did turn," in my opinion, should read as an involuntary occurrence. Something like, His fait (or faith) he did burn.

Live and write passionately,
Cyndee


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Review of Crystal's Charms  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
WOW!!!

HEAVY, but o' so relevant to anyone who has been there or traveled the path with a loved one seduced by MS Meth's initial offer of escape.

Your piece went deep for me. I divorced a man because CM totally consumed him. I lost a loved one to oxy. His journey started with pot, moved to CM then to oxy, and I have simply witnessed her ravage on far too many souls.

I appreciated the way you pulled me in with your opening paragraph and closed your story with the last paragraph. I did however, get lost in all the metaphor in the middle. In my opinion, while there is some AMAZING metaphor in there, it was overdone. I had to reread it to get back in the flow of the story. People do best when holding no more than 3 concepts, in route to a point, and metaphor can be cumbersome and therefore count as more. (Insert shoulder shrug emoji here).

I liked that you used the word "brood" in the opening paragraph as it fit with the dark theme.

Suggestion #2: Simplify some of your words . . . especially because of the heavy use of metaphor. For example, in the sentence, "Innocence succumbed to the alluring seductions which the dark euphoria of drugs produce, as she rode the highs and lows like some aerobatic biplane wing walker." 1st: There are just too many words in this sentence that are not needed to make the point. 2nd: You have broken this into two pieces, separated by the comma. But, as I read it there are more than two chunks. All of which are heavy and complicated. I suggest simplifying either the beginning or the end . . . or maybe even both.

Consider something like: "She lost her innocence to the alluring seduction of the drug, as she rode the highs and lows like some aerobatic biplane." You can still use metaphor (it is very effective) but step back and see where it punctuates the point and where it dizies your reader.

Correction: Petty as it may be, I suggest you add the words 'on their' to the following sentence: "they could play in their sandbox and on their jungle gym. We don't play in jungle gyms. We play on them.

The image of the woman with the hands reaching everywhere is a 10 out of 10. It tells it all! . . . Just, WOW!

If your story is true my heart goes out to you.*Cry*

Live and write passionately,
Cyndee


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Review of B as in book  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really appreciate the idea that inspired this poem and the imagery of a single book sitting, lonely on a shelf, waiting to share its message, its story, with even a single reader.

The second verse is STRONG: Fantastic imagery and clear communication about where said book will come to life and be heard:
I am silent (if nothing else).
I only speak when opened,
And then softly, in a hush, heard
behind the eyes, between the ears.

Suggestions:
1. I did, however, and this may be only one person's opinion, fall off when the book pleaded with me to read it. Its cry became a plea for attention. I would rather it be more empowered and tell me what I am missing if I do not let "her" speak. IDK, maybe something like:

If you could hear me now?
My gist, I would share so proud.
Images and schemes would surely dance
If you would give to me this chance

2. You could get more exposure by adding more genres. I think this would fit nicely in the writing genre, and dare I say even the romance genre. YES! I dare say. There are many forms of romance and when we fall in love with a book . . . Well, you get my drift.

Correction:
1. Hardwood is either one word or if you meant it as hard, wood plank then you would need to add a comma. That said, my husband said it works as is for him. But I had to read it twice and still wasn't sure which meaning you were intending.

Again, I absolutely love the idea behind this, and if I may, one final suggestion: I think you could do a series of poems on the same subject.
Possible titles: Ink in Isolation, Pages in Solitude, Protagonist on a Shelf.

Live and write passionately,
Cyndee


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Review of Awakening  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I LOVE this poem and the visual of the water. As you likely know, emotion is often represented by water.

My first time through it, however, I was gently bobbing on top of the sea, wafting off into my thoughts.

My second time through, I was in my retreat, lost in meditative thought. I loved where the lines, "i am both exhilarated and terrified . . . i could drown or be utterly freed," took me. What lurks in the shadows of our thoughts can feel so real. It can also, sometimes be very scary. And it can switch ever so quickly between emotions. Most of us will flee when thoughts deepen or darken. But to stay the course, get beyond the judgement, fear, and limited meaning that we put upon them . . . to THE truth, OMG! It can be so, so very freeing . . . An example: When I first started my personal development journey I felt like a black cloud followed me. When I thought about it, it was very scary. At first it felt like a horned monster taunting me in my mind. As I faced it, over time, it got smaller and smaller. I eventually came to realize that it was the face of the rage I had so long carried inside me . . . EXTREMLEY freeing! I faced it. I did not drown, and I was SET FREE!!!

Fabulous read!!!

Two very small suggestions:
1. Consider changing the last line to, utterly be freed.
2. Consider using capital letters

Write on,
Cyndee


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Review of UNFULFILLED DREAM  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think this is a deep, personal, and touching piece. I felt the whole of your story unfold through the verses. I love the line: "I, too, thought that one day I
Would with my husband dance."

I gave it a 4.5 star rating because I had some trouble understanding the following verse:
Though we are husband and wife,
We have yet no love lost.
We did have some warmth of love
Which has now turned to frost.
You say we had no love loss, but then it turned to frost. This is contradictory to me.

I appreciated the words: "like empty foam," as they are unique, but applicable, in this context.

Write on,
Cyndee


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Rated: E | (3.5)
I looove the name, "Old Man Iverson." I love the build-up, the crashing sound, and OMI popping up over that wall saying, “Where do you think you are going, boy?” But then, OMI softens too fast.

I would have liked to see a bit more "grizzle" as he came over that wall and perhaps him teaming-up with the dad, via a wink and a nod, and putting a little more "scare" in the boy. I mean he not only broke OMI's window, he also lied.

I also suggest a bit more flare in his lesson learned.

Overall, I enjoyed the read and think there is a great idea here for an amazing short story.

Write on,
Cyndee


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Review of Maui Wowie  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I was brought in by the title, "Maui Wowie," and I appreciated reading that you attended the Old Lahaina Luau’ as it is something to be cherished since Lahaina is no more *Cry*.

I got excited when I read, "A lot of things went through my mind when she said this, the main one being, ‘What customer would want a class delivered the week of Thanksgiving?’ (my favorite part). . . and I was hoping for some "juice" around that idea.

Overall, I think the idea is there, but as a short story it needs less detail, more "show and don't tell," and it needs a hook. As it is written, it reads more like a diary entry than a short story, and the ending falls flat.

You could also build tension around the bit with your honey's misspelled name. . . missing the flight and so on.

All the best to you on your writing journey,
Cyndee


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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thought-provoking, for sure.

I like that your poem is not offensive and can, therefore, get beyond guards and prejudice, and possibly start a conversation.

Freedom is indeed interpreted. In my opinion, the ultimate liberty is the ability to be one's true self. It also poses the greatest threat. Many wars are levied to control others and impose the aggressor's beliefs and values upon others. Peer pressure is another threat to one's right and freedom to be themselves . . . and Hollywood, the media, religion, and so forth. (Insert head-clap emoji here.)

My favorite stanza is the first one:
"You talk of freedom
But freedom is interpreted,
Not defined
. . . It is a powerful, thought-provoking, attention-grabbing, strong opening.

Again, this is a great way to bridge a difficult subject, and I applaud you for this piece and the wisdom shared, herein.

Live Passionately,
Cyndee


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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A deep, meaningful read!

This tells me soooo much about you and touches many places in my own heart. I too am a singer and my youngest son is a singer/musician. WE have also written a couple of songs together. We share a deep passion for music and we unpack lyrical meaning as well as the communication and punctuation of all the instruments. I love that you and your mom share this passion, as well.

As for dreams. They are powerful communicators, and while often weird and frustrating to understand, they are trying to communicate. My suggestion is to be open and get curious about what they are trying to tell you.

I like 1R. I don't know the other band, and I am not as familiar with 1R as you are. That said, I appreciated the insights that you shared into Ryan's journey and your respect for him . . . My favorite of his songs is "Christmas Without You," and I absolutely love how passionately he sings his songs.

I really appreciated the line, "Brian Willett, who is entrusted with the keyboard and whistling at live performances." Using the word "entrusted" makes this line stand out because it speaks to the responsibility he carries with the keyboard and especially whistling. An off chord on rhythm guitar or a missed note or two on lead MIGHT go unnoticed. But a screw-up on keys can sour the following few measures . . . and a bad whistle, well, that is sacrilegious. Good whistlers are in short supply. . . . Can you tell I'm passionate about whistling?

My dad whistled. He had a melodic, medicinal whistle and a Siren-like ability to bring one under his spell. Even now as I write these words I feel myself following the sound of his whistle. My youngest son has taken up the torch and while he has yet to hit those bird sounds, he is coming along quite nicely.

I'm sorry that you had to learn that someone you trusted, respected, and admired was misleading you and the rest of his fans. I hope that you can tune into his struggle with an open heart and try to understand his position. I mean, without getting into it too deeply, stars and icons carry so much pressure and so many expectations. They live under a microscope and, well, at least he was trying to send a good message and be a role model for a higher standard within a demographic that is largely steeped in addiction . . . Who knows, maybe "coming out" and cleaning the slate will help him find his way.

This piece was very personal and I appreciate you sharing yourself so transparently. A

As for technicality, there are a few line spacing issues that could be corrected and, in all honesty, I was not looking for grammatical or structural issues as I read this piece as a heartfelt, journal entry.

Live Passionately,
Cyndee


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Review of Currying Flavour  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
10/10! Clever, witty, and true!!! I might be biased because I LOOOOOOOVE Indian food and quite agree that mild or tongue scorching hot it's quite the treat but regardless, this was just a fun, upbeat read and it made me smile inside and out.

I think you nailed all the parameters described for The Epulaeryu poem and I definitely felt the writers "excitement and feelings" for this culinary delight.

DELIGHTFUL!!!

Live Passionately,
Cyndee


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23
23
Review of Aftermath  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed this piece and of course, snickered at the thought of Lovey being discovered on the bottom rack of the dishwasher. It was actually a great visual, but curious as to why Lovey didn't vocalize her whereabouts.

I like the bit, "This, I thought as a got up to go into the kitchen for another cup of coffee, is the reason I don't like hosting New Year's Eve parties." But, I thought hmm, what if she said, "This, I thought as a got up to go into the kitchen for another cup of coffee, is the reason I don't like hosting parties. ESPECIALLY New Year's Eve parties." Might that elevate that passage a bit? *Smile*

I also thought about referring to the large mug as a trough, and, instead of calling it liquid courage (a term typically applied to alcohol when one wants to gain confidence and self-assuredness in socially awkward situations), calling it something like: rocket fuel (ordinary) or caffeine combustion or energy à la espresso or propulsion potion or power perk . . . as I am assuming your leading lady was looking for that energetic kick in the ass to get the clean-up work done. *Smile*

All-in-all, I enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.

Cyndee


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24
24
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your writing is AMAZING, clever, and witty. I enjoyed the read and felt Empathy's pain. Speaking a writer's language, you drew me right in with words like "prompts, opening lines, and so on . . ." and, as though you reached into my mind, spoke about the "sheer variety of poetic forms." Punctuating the comment with "Dear God" was icing on the cake.

There are so many delicious passages in this piece. Two faves are:

1. "Passing seconds grouped themselves confidently into minutes, which then huddled together pathetically in the knowledge that they never stood a chance of reaching the lofty heights of hours."

2. "She had considered this a challenge that enthusiasts would delight in rising to, but each visit to the competition page would be greeted by virtual tumbleweed blowing past with the taunting accompaniment of the e-crickets chirping their mocking chorus."

I LOVED the entire closing paragraph!!! 10/10

Suggestions:

1. Consider replacing the bit, "keeping up with them was an education in itself, with keeping up with them is an endless study in itself. I like the present use of is and the emphasis on endless and study . . . because that's what it is.

2. A single tear is cliche to me. Consider, she welled up with tears . . .

3. If you want someone outside of WdC to enjoy this witty piece I suggest you add some context. My husband, not a member of WdC, read it, ENJOYED it, and said, "If you (meaning me) didn't talk about WdC and share a lot of its content with me, I would have been very confused. As it is, I had to do some guessing to connect the dots. But, connect them he did, and he laughed and thoroughly appreciated your contest-winning story.

Some final notes: I felt empathy and relief for Empathy. I related to Dave's furrowed brow as he tried to sort the admission process, and I enjoyed Dave's "confident," yet humble personality.

A GREAT read!!! Simply, delightful! I am giving it a 5-star rating because the overall quality, despite my suggestions, warrants it.*Smile*

Live Passionately,
Cyndee


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25
25
Review of Why can't i sleep  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like your poem. I like that you named it with a question instead of a statement. It touches on many, less than desirable symptoms but it doesn't go dark.

It's poignant and relatable! The haunts of "too many minds," takes its toll and shows up in lack of sleep, fatigue, dark circles, lack of focus, and so on. Many of us can relate to this peace saboteur and the torment it imposes upon us.

The last verse is my favorite:

So I'll sit here drinking my coffee
The only thing that makes me feel comfy
Because my head doesn't know peace
Which makes the feeling far out of reach
But maybe if I count sheep
I can find the feeling in my sleep

I like the contrast between the comfort your character finds in their coffee and the peace that remains out of reach.

Finally, I like that you end it with the hope of counting sheep and finding the feeling s/he seeks.

Nicely done!

Live Passionately,
Cyndee


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