One of those poems that could be about anyone. You paint a bright, happy picture of Adam who had so much going for him. The lines work nicely. The beats off of 'adam' ring well throughout. You do well on the last line of each stanza, giving hints at demise. Adam had a lot of live for, it can happen in an instant. Take care to live for today.
Hello! This is a fun piece. There is a lot going on. Reading it, I could almost see a sci-fi like minority report or something similar. I'm not an expert editor, but I'll see what i can do.
Sentence flow is important. Always make sure to find rhythms and beats. Punctuation is your friend, don't over use it. If it looks like a full idea it's a full sentence. (I'm working on that as well.)
With narrative, it's always a good idea to have a desired structure. Throw too much at the reader and the vision you're going for crumbles. It's very easy to see in your head what you're writing about. The reader has never seen what you're trying to describe. So get descriptive.
More detail helps any setting, especially action. So much can happen in a short amount of time, the reader wants to know all of it.
It's a darring landscape you've set out to explore, even though this is chapter one, you have a whole lot more to uncover.
There's a lot going on here. You vernacular is conducive. The piece reads as many things. The theme seems to run around the idea of the relation of the process of what makes a person rich as opposed to the ends of such financial machinations.
Well refined associations and fine denouement. The conclusion lends itself to notions which say that society has brought itself toward prowess, technological and indifference to what actual treasure really is... worth.
Sentiment is something fragile. Finding the balance of the senses gives the reader a place to live with the words. This is presented well. The narrative structure is free-flowing. Each phrase brings tension toward the climax. The juxtaposition of the love sought and the city itself provide complementary characterization. Something the protagonist is in pursuit to be lost or found. A calming and reserved outlook and a great Coltrane reference. Well done.
Lovely presentation. Good use of personification and vision. A picture of the effervescent can reliven the view of life. What sadness are you inferring? No matter what, beauty is always possible.
You got a whole story waiting to be written here. Or at least a nice short film. Heartbreaking it is to see a man lost. Sometimes even the vulture is sentimental.
I'll donate 100 gift points for Mr. Common. Rash is a good friend of mine. Usually has great things to say about the man. I'll make sure he is honored well and will pass on the good word to Mr. and Ms. Discourse.
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