I've read your poem a few times, and I hope I can give you some helpful feedback.
Overall theme: Your description about disagreements help me understand the theme of the poem: that misunderstandings lead to disagreement and that ultimately, if you "check your truth at the door," you can perhaps come to understanding and even agreement.
Structure: This seems almost narrative - you have movement of time in the "once someone was angry" and your "finally, both sides have." I think that narrative format contributes to your point about the movement from misunderstanding to connection.
What I liked: I really liked the line "time to check one's proverbial truth at the door." It's such a great imperative opening line and it grabs readers' attention. It's sort of plain in its language and very direct.
Questions I have: So you call this a prose poem, and it's certainly free verse. I think, though, that even in a prose-based poem, you need to think about line breaks, as they provide the "poetic" element for you in the absence of other elements. With that in mind, I wonder why you broke your first two lines up the way you did, and what effect you think it has on the poem. Also, why did you choose to break lines throughout the poem? Could breaking them at different spots change or emphasize different parts of the poem?
Other suggestions: This is more my personal taste, so take it for what it's worth - I notice you have lots of abstract words here (angry, bitter, judgement, wisdom) Those are all fine, but sometimes the brain doesn't process abstract ideas as well as concrete images. How could you use some concrete images to reinforce those abstract words? (again, that's just my opinion).
You have a good idea and a strong relationship with words. Keep up the good work!
This was a really cute and funny poem. You create two beautifully developed characters in the narrative of the poem in very little space. I love that.
The rhymes and homophones are very clever, and since the prompt only said to use the word "peace," I think this is incredibly clever. The humor is subtle and wonderful. A great poem!
This is a cute little poem. I can envision the illustrations that could accompany it.
First impression - I like the speaker's tone - it sounds like an adult sharing the wonders of liquid adhesive with a smaller child. Very excited and happy sounding.
Poetic elements (imagery) - You talk about "major breaks" and "something dropped" - so while the rhythm and rhyme is great, I wonder if the poem could use a few more specific images.
Poetic elements (form) - Great rhyme and rhythm! Very fun to read and it sounded "bouncy." Who knew glue could be exciting?
Overall - I liked it. I'd experiment with some images, but overall, it's a great kids poem.
First, welcome to WDC. Hope you'll thrive here in your writing.
I liked your poem. Here's some more specific feedback:
How I understood it: It's a man's nightmare come true - a girl in red prepares to hang a man, and as he wakes, he sees the object of his nightmare standing near him.
Poetic elements (imagery): I liked the choice of a noose - it suggests an idea of punishment. Maybe tapping into the speakers unexpressed guilt? The color red is always interesting as well. Red is the color of both passion and rage, so that brings an interesting dimension to the poem, whether the speaker is haunted by one or both of these emotions.
Poetic elements (rhyme and rhythm): I liked what you had going on in the first two stanzas, where lines 1 and 2 rhyme and the third was different. You change that in the third stanza, but I kind of wish you'd keep the original form. The imbalance helps with the mood. You may also want to consider shortening the first line of the third stanza - it doesn't fit the flow of your lines (too many syllables).
Overall effect: Very good imagery and good job capturing the mood and providing a twist to the narrative in a short amount of time.
I liked the title of your piece and enjoyed reading it. Hope you won't mind some friendly feedback!
1. Overall impression - I felt your poem fell in line with other vivid war poems like Stephen Crane's "War is Kind" - you do a great job in the first stanza and with the refrain establishing the doom and horror of war.
2. Some specific things I liked - Really liked the line "a frayed man walked into the fray." I love word play like that, and the connotation of the man being frayed is great - it paints a very specific image of a man weary of war, a man who has already suffered and may even be resigned to his death in this last battle.
3. The part that gave me the most pause - The third stanza doesn't feel quite as powerful as the first. Maybe it's because the imagery repeats? I feel like a unique, surprising, staggering or even grotesque image could better evoke emotion here. Since you already have repetition in the refrain stanzas, maybe you don't need it here too.
Bear in mind I'm an amateur writer myself, so if you are happy with this poem, then let it be. Thank you for the opportunity to read it.
Thanks for posting this story - perfect for October and ghosts!
I like the plot - the man is intrigued with a woman he can't quite get close to, then he recognizes her as an old, forgotten love. She weirdly ends up saving his life - twice - and then he discovers he's been chasing her ghost.
I really like the detail in the beginning of the story - the two crows fighting over the stale bread, the description of the aftermath of the carnival - but I think when you start describing action, like chasing after Veronica but running into an invisible wall, I don't feel as "in the moment" as I did with your description at the beginning.
I also feel like you could shore up some of your character's thoughts a bit. For example, this paragraph:
I was almost there, I could even see her sleeve disappear behind a corner when I met a plastic wall, very similar to the one I remembered from the city square. I tried to find an opening but without any success and I almost gave up when I saw people walking through the wall, just like it did not exist at all. Then I really had to consider whether I was normal or there was something with my nerves that should be treated sooner or later. When I accepted that the wall did not exist for everyone, it was only one step further to assume that it did not exist at all, and if it existed only for me then I am different than other people, so I must be crazy.
That's a lot of thinking about the wall and its existence. You could shorten that to "I tried to find the opening but again without success. Then I saw people walking through the wall like it didn't even exist, and if it didn't exist for everyone else, then it must not exist at all. Then I really had to consider whether I was going crazy."
All things considered, I liked the story. I'd like to read it again if you revise it too.
Great poem! I wasn't familiar with the form, but read up on it a bit, and I have to say you did a marvelous job with it. I especially like your lines "autumnal flares / of vibrant hues / inspire the muse."
I just wanted you to know how thoroughly I enjoyed reading this piece. I have no suggestions for improvement.
I love the use of repetition, not only because it gives the poem a bit of structure, but because it compounds your feelings. It makes your feeling of loss so much more palpable.
If I could offer any advice at all, I'd tell you to use even more imagery - I loved the description of her fluffy white hair, maybe bring more of those tangible qualities to the food, to the sound of her laugh, to her clothes, etc.
I like allegories, so when I saw your description of your story I thought I'd take a look at it. I hope you don't mind if I share my opinion with you - I'm no expert at writing short stories, in fact, I really admire folks who do, so feel perfectly free to ignore anything I say
Stuff I liked:
I like the blend of the futuristic setting and the "old world" touches - like Adam being, essentially, a farmer. That's a great way to bring in bits of the biblical story - he's toiling the land, and, according to your description, suffering a bit for it.
I like the subtle way you got the rib into the story - very clever.
The female character - a bit of both Eve and the serpent I imagine? I like that she's a temptation that troubles Adam and a strong and manipulative character rather than a weak or stupid woman who falls for anything. I guess as a woman, I'm more inclined to like strong and bad better than weak and good - don't know if that makes sense but there it is.
Lucy Fuhrman --- Lucifer.... very cool.
Stuff I could suggest for you:
I was a little lost as to when the girl cut the businessman with the razor blade - was it as she was getting up? I think you could add just a touch there - when Adam is keeping his eye of the three that one of them appeared to have dozed off or something, it would bring just a bit of continuity to the end of the story.
You seem to be establishing a theme of balance - good and evil, Yin and Yang.... your quote about balance and the razor's edge makes me think the razor must be symbolic, but I don't understand what balance the Devil is trying to create. Maybe I'm missing something as a reader, but I just feel like there should be some last image or statement or something to bring the theme home.
Overall, I like the setup of the story, especially Adam - he's a very well-defined character. Keep up the good work!
I am especially impressed that you kept the poem a single, unbroken sentence. This reflects the innate beauty of the Fibonacci sequence, which is also organic and continuous.
Also a great use of the nautilus - such a classic image of the golden ratio.
I really identified with this poem, and I loved your seesaw metaphor, which goes really well with the image of the scales and of crime and punishment. I think the only suggestion I could even make - if it's a suggestion at all - is that the very last line seems to fall out of rhythm with the rest of the stanza. Other than that, I thought it was very well-expressed.
Overall, I really like this. I especially like the blend of mythologies (if you are comfortable calling Christian imagery a mythology). I like the great blend of emotions here - obsession, hurt pride, resentment, resignation, hope. Your line "seven year of better luck than her is drawing nearer" is so clever. That one really made me smile. I like the way the speaker makes that emotional journey through the poem.
I wonder, since you call her a VooDoo woman, if you'd consider putting in some of those cultural phrases associated with it - but even if you choose not to it's still very good.
One picky grammar point: "And while your in the clouds" should be "you're in the clouds."
You have a great sense of rhythm and rhyme. Hope to read more from you!
I always admire folks who can rhyme cleverly. I really enjoyed reading this, because I really love the way you use your words and phrasing.
Your ideas were great - I like the way you turn the perception of the man by the end of the poem. At first, his imagination seemed like his freedom, but then we get this great reminder that there is no life when there is no action.
I did feel like when some of the lines and stanzas got a little longer, that the rhythm of the poem was a bit compromised, but despite that, I enjoyed reading this.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/czvanut
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 8:40pm on Nov 19, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "