I agree whole heartedly with you on this one, You did a great job at putting across your meaning here.
If we can't speak our minds and have the choice to speak as we choose, than what in the hell are we protecting this freedom for, we America the land of the free?
Well, I say "It is about time to speak up and make it known, we wont stand by any longer, we have just as much right to voice our opinions and to partake in these rights just as much as those against it".
Again you have a valid point and I agree.
Merry Christmas,Dave...
Continue with the great work,
Your WDC Brother, Dave...
A truly great writing of the overview of ones life. The reader is left with feeling that the woman dies and never recovers from all this. As it wasn't stated as to what finally happens.
It is not always with a person dying, will their life pass by in a particular order nor would it be easy to find out unless that person died and came back to life. It is said that people will eventually revert back to their child hood as is the case here in this story.
"She looks over at her husband snoring on the chair acroos the starkly lit room,"
I believe that this is probably a typo but if not the word is spelled across. This was the only error that I found in your truly amazing story.
The best part I felt was the last part when she hears her own mother say "I will always be here for you".
That's a courageous woman.
"Happy Holidays"
Continue with the great work,
Your WDC Brother, Dave...
In reading your two part poem I felt your need to be free from this anguish and torment that you have been going through. I can't however relate to your experiences as I haven't been there at least not as bad. I can only tell you that I had an experience where I had been on medication for a long long time and I kept needing something stronger until I was taking enough to kill a horse,[at least that is what the doctors told me]. eventually I had to come to my own senses that I wasn't going to get better until I got off these damn pills and I had to do it on my own with my own will power. I did so, and I am a better person today for it. I now will not take this type of medication again or at least not unless I absolutely had to.
As far as your dilemma, I can only truly hope that you find a way to deal with this in a controllable way. It will be for the better of your life.
I feel your pain and wish you well.
This poem was well written in is't context. As far as the format I would add a few spaces between satnza's for a clearer read for the reader, and please use commas and periods where needed as all this adds to the way one perceives the meaning of the context.
Happy holidays,
Continue with the great work,
Your WDC Brother, Dave...
Hello and Welcome, We greatly appreciate all new members and In hopes that you will come to better yourself and others in their writings.
My name is Dave and I am just three months into W.D.C. and greatly enjoy and appreciate what W.D.C. and it's members have done and helped me with. It is with great joy that I continue to write and review of others.
This sight is a place that not only allows you to write to your hearts pleasure but it also gives one the ability to read and become a better reader. This is very enhancing for even students in school to practice being a better reader and writer.
Now with all that said, I welcome you to W.D.C. [Writing Dot Com.].
I read your poem of "Death" and this is my review:
The title is perfect for the poem.
You have kept to the topic at hand, throughout.
"the darkness draws nearer"---"The" should be capitalized.
"i hold my life more dearer."---"I" should be capitalized.
More use of punctuations would help it flow smoother for the reader.
You kept a four line stanza throughout, which was good and you used spacing between the stanza's which is also good. The flow was fairly smooth and I didn't have a problem with the read.
The meaning of the poem was well put across thus far, as you say you are not yet finished with this piece.
I think you did an overall great job with this write.
Here is my rating score below for this poem. It will help you see where you have strengths and weaknesses in the area of the poem:
This is a very loving and touching poem of the love that one has for their father and the fathers love for his daughter.
You have put your feelings across very well in this poem. He is a man of honor and pride and one must never take that away from him, for in that alone is his greatest quest in life.
If he is not physically able to have the eye surgery to rectify the glaucoma than,
My advice would be to continue to love him by reading to him what he likes most, keep him as comfortable as you can.
Be strong and have faith, pray with him that he will be healed,Pray that he is given strength and you courage to continue each and every day the task that are needed.
God will answer your prayers. And most importantly give thanks for the blessings that you have been given.
Love in the Lord Jesus "With Him All Things Are Possible" To those who Love the Lord and "With just the faith of a mustard seed Yea shall have salvation".
Continue with the great work,
Your WDC Brother, Dave...
With this poem it leaves the reader with the thought ,that the person being talked about in this poem is all mixed up and doesn't know exactly what he wants.
You have portrayed this person as one who might be on drugs and doesn't really have a life or a purpose in life.
You have done a swell job at putting across the meaning of the context.
I like how you repeated the lines of "Sometime I think about...." and "All I really want....".
Hello and welcome to WDC, I see that you are new to this site and I happened across this poem of yours so I decided to give you a review.
This is a loving poem, I had no problem with this read. My suggestion would be to space between every fourth line in your stanza, it would make for a better looking piece and let the reader have an easier read.
The meaning was put across well no problem with this, a few commas and periods would help as this would let the reader know the end and start of a sentence etc.
overall you did well, I loved the whole context of the poem.
Continue with the great work,
Your WDC Brother, Dave...
Hi, again I read such an exceptionally great piece of writing.
I found this one to be a gift from the heart, as it was felt from the heart all the way through.
Again you have done such a wonderful job at writing this that I find it to flow just so smooth.
You do have a way with words and I like your style.
As far as I am concerned this is a perfect 5 rating.
Keep it up!
Continue with the great work,
Your WDC Brother, Dave...
OK, this was a completely different sort of read for me. I followed along with the whole conversation just fine, no problems there. You did an excellent portrayal of the caller and the receiver. I liked the whole piece,
You did real well with your punctuations as far as I could pick up on.
I didn't like that you left me hanging at the very end. What's that all about? "He, he". I couldn't find a a thing wrong with this piece at all.
Very well put together. Now for my review rating:
5.0 - Title
5.0 - Topic of Story
5.0 - Punctuation
5.0 - Grammar
5.0 Total points given for an average of 5.0 So I had to give you a 5.0 rating. Congratulation a writing well done.
Continue with the great work,
Your WDC Brother, Dave...
I get your meaning here and I feel that you have put across the pain from the child's point of view. and that the child felt that if they could have done more then maybe his or her parents might be together today,
Well in a lot of cases, no matter how much one hopes for, it's just not meant to be and for the better of the parties involved.
I felt that you could have entered more info to this one, all though this is a good write.
Can reality help their wishes come true? All in all, we must always face the reality of things and sometimes the changes make it better.
We must except those things we cannot change and have the courage to change that which we can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Continue with the great work,
Your WDC Brother, Dave...
Boy I'm telling you! You have hit the nail on the head with this one, and you have said a mouthful.
I have commented on a few such issues about abortions and I agree with you 100%. I hate the fact that woman think that it is their sole God given right to kill an innocent life. By Gods measure it isn't even their right to do what they want with their own bodies. However God gives us the power to make our own choices and by that He means to make the right choices. If we then make the wrong choice we shall then suffer the consequences
of our own actions.
I just can't say enough on this subject and I won't stop believing in what is right according to the brain God gave me.
You have me so confused that really I don't think you know just what you are saying here.
Not to disrespect your rights to an opinion , but really, do you think that God is the ultimate terrorist in this world? and that he enjoys the sufferings that goes on in this world?
I think not. I know cause all things that are good, are of God, And all that is not is of satin.
Anyone that has enough belief and faith and the teaching of Gods word knows the difference and would not question.
However there are those that simply do not believe and therefore will make such comments of disbelief.
It is however, birth is the beginning of death of our life and that death is the beginning of birth and an everlasting life without pain or suffering but only to love.
John 3:16 says " For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that who so ever believes in Him shall not perish but have ever lasting life"
Have "FAITH" Trust in the Lord.
Love In Christ,
WDC Brother, Dave....
I have dedicated this weekend to reviewing newbies, so I welcome you to this new world of Writing.Com . I do hope you will enjoy your long awaited stay here and have as much fun as I have had since I joined a few months ago.
I loved your poem and the topic of it as well. You have stated the truth when you write these words. I know from the experience that I have had in past years.
Your meaning was well put across here in this write. you do however need a little work on the smooth flowing of your stanzas.
It is good that you separated your stanzas with a space. You seem to have used good punctuation. The use of rhyming words would help the flow better.
I hope you enjoy your stay here at WDC and have fun, meet lots of new and exciting friends as we all try to help one another progress in our endeavors.
I am here to give you a hand if I can as I myself am quite new.
I enjoyed your poem and understood the meaning of it completely. I felt that you did a wonderful job with your rhyming and I love the way you keep the spaces between the stanzas.
Just to let you know I have set a standard for myself in how I rate a particular piece, and that is as follows:
30.5 Total Points given, for an average score of 4.36 so I gave you a rating of 4.5.
This is really good even tho I found a few minor errors. You could use a few more commas and the syllable count was erratic but your overall was excellent.
Keep up the stride.
Best Regards,
WDC Brother, Dave....
I liked your poem however I thought the flow could have been a little bit easier to read. And If you will bare with me for a moment I would like to take your poem and rewrite it and see what you think. If you like it the way I have written it then go ahead and use it. This is just my opion below:
Why do we have tears to shed?
Is it something, someone said?,
Why do we shed tears?
Could it be, we show are fears.
Tears are so painful,
With pain in your heart, it's not gainful.
With tears you share your feelings,
Like someone you care for thats willing,
To share their tears and not hide,
For what they really feel inside.
It's really new to me,
I've never done this before you see.
As tears are a way to heal,
Your heart is raining, it just wont seal.
So flushing out all the inside pain,
so you can feel once again.
Tears are a way to show happiness.
Just like last christmas,
Someone didn't forget,
They gave me a bible,
With my name on it.
I cried and thought,
This person is more than gifted,
It's a great fulfillment,
And my heart was lifted.
Tears can be good,
Tears can be a horror.
But, no matter what,
Expressing your feelings,
Are what tears are made for.
***********
Again this is just my opion as to a better way to write this poem with the same meaning. Please compare the two and let me know what you think.
You do write a good poem, as I have read several.
I enjoyed this one as well.
I did find however that in the first stanza , that if you were to put a comma after the words "heart-sore," and a period after the word "near." that it would flow a lot smoother.
Second paragraph insert a comma after the words "dark," and "spark," this would make that stanza flow better.
Your over all was well put acrossed, the meaning was not hard to follow, just the few minor errors.
I enjoyed the read as I always do of yours,
Sincerely, Dave...
This is different from my normal type of poem that I review.
It was well put in that it left the reader with the decision of rather it was the beginning or the end of life. However, while I was reading I pictured in my mind the beginning of the unborn.
I liked this read even tho I am used to the more rhying type.
I felt that you did an excellent job for the reader.
It is with great pride that one lets their children fly when the time is right. This is all part of the nurturing. The child would not know how to deal in the next stage of his or her life if we didn't let them go.
Yes it can hurt to have one leave your nest after having them around for the last eighteen years, but I'm sure you would agree with me that it is for the best. And with that you can hold your head high as you witness the beautiful person you have raised, with respect and dignity.
Your poem says it all with great feelings.
One day they will return to you and give thanks for all that you have brough them up to be, and to show you that you really haven't lost the one but extended their boundries.
A very lovely poem, well written.
As long as you have done everything that a parent can do for the best of their child, then there is no pain and everything to gain.
"You plant a seed and watch it grow, in time to come you'll enjoy it even more so."
I find no errors or problems with this poem and I wouldn't change it for the world.
A bit on the short side, but then a lot of poems are short. The meaning was still in all put across and was written well.
Ther isn't much that I can say other than I liked the meaning of it.
So many people don't relize the loss that they would endure by giving up on an unborn child that so innocently never asked to be born just to be killed.
This would also apply to those that give up their own child at birth and will never know the feelings you talk about.
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