I think you wrote this poem from a perspective that I have not seen before, the dead loved one. Very good idea. These are the words that I would actually say to my family and husband if I knew I was going to die. Excellent job and how comforting.
Your writing is just as good as your idea. When you said, "Look at my things that surround you, Don't let them make you feel sad,” this got to me. We sometimes forget about the physical objects such as clothes that are left behind. I think you really reached the reader with this poem.
If you cared to expound, I think this would make a good story. I thought you did a fabulous job describing a beast called, the shadow. This poem had a good rhythm. I liked that the middle sentence rhymed and then the first and last. By doing this, it spiced up the reading.
The twist near the end, “How do I know? I am behind you - I am one!” total surprised me. I thought it made for a good shock.
Anyway, thank for the good read. Your first attempt was successful.
This is such a touching poem. Well written and a great flow. It makes me feel good and peaceful. You extend to the reader feelings of warmth and each verse draws you to the next. I like that there is no fluff.
If this poem is about a personal relationship, then congratulations. Not too many people can express such passion after so many years of marriage. It is truely encouraging.
Thank you so much for posting this for us to share.
I too know how it is to lose one's way. Anyone who looks in the mirror and doesn't know the eyes reflecting back, can feel what you have written here.
"Now cloaks of despair I have cast aside,
I'll face the unknown, no longer hide,
Pick up broken pieces every single one;" I like these lines the best because they describe how broken a person a can feel.
For people who have not lost their way, I think this poem will help them understand what it is like when you do.
This is heart breaking. What an experience and then to be able to put it on a page so that the rest of us can experience too. Beautifully written and it has a nice flow. I like the verse about the "Amazing Heart".
I am wondering if you did this on purpose, but every third line in each verse rhymes.
I liked this line, "I feel comfort just from you being there." What a wonderful thing it is to still be in love with each other.
You chose to bring out the little things that you notice about your husband. This is what makes a good writer in my book. True writers appreciate the details of life and about our spouses. When we use those details in our writing, it helps the reader feel what we feel and appreciate the details of life too.
Very well done. If this is your true story, I am so sorry and I hope your husband is doing better.
If this is fiction, I think it is great. I like the stories and poems that make the soul weep. If you can make your reader show the feelings from the page in thier facial expression, then you are a success. You did, so I think you are successful.
First let me say that you are a good writter. You choose your words carefully and it pays off. It looks like you have a good story. The reason as to why he was driving towards the "metal beast" is unclear to me. I wasn't sure what he was wanting to accomplish. I think that you have a setting in mind that would be very interesting, but I would have liked to read more about it.
Please know that I think the talent and story line is there. Maybe you could expound a little more. Now, if I have completely missed the point, feel free to drop me an email. I am so curious to know.
My goodness!! Losing someone is always a heart breaking thing to write about. You have expressed your experience in a way that draws the reader into your peronal feelings. You have done so in a way that we can all relate.
My only question, is about this verse:
I saw his soul a-winging
And I felt the angels cry.
Is the "And" supposed to be "and"?
Again, very well done. Beautifully written. Thank you for posting this for the rest of us to read.
Wow! This one made me tear up. I think it is wonderful when writers use their skills to communicate a tragedy in a way that would make non writers weep. You truely are gifted with words and I think that, especially now with the bombing in Israel, we all can appreciate the heart break left behind.
This is my favorite line, "Let’s remember July as an ember."
This is too perfect. I love it. Not only are you right on target, but it is well written. You seem very mature for 14.
I am going through The Writers' Workshop member's ports. I wanted to get to know some of the members little better. So thank you for letting me stop by.
My goodness, you packed a lot in those few paragraphs. This brought me to tears. I hope that this was not inspired by personal experience. I am sorry if it was. If it was just something that came to you, then I can’t wait to read more of your work. Those tragic love stories that hunt me are my favorite. I appreciate the strong emotion words are able to create.
Great job and thank you for reading my thoughts –
Looks like you have an interesting story started. However, it is difficult to concentrate on the wonderful story line because there are many typos. Now, I am the queen of typos so I have learned how important it is to review your work and spelling before posting it on line or submitting it to an editor. So please don’t be offended by this, but I have some suggestions that have worked for me.
First you may consider breaking your story into paragraphs; it just makes it easier to read. Remember to note who is speaking, especially if there are more than two characters used in a conversation. Print your work out so that you can see it on paper. It looks different when you are reading it aloud and you find all of the typos and misspellings. You can highlight your findings and then make the necessary changes. If you are not sure about the spelling of a word, Dictionary.com is a good on line resource. I use it a lot. I never sit down to write without my dictionary and thesaurus.
Again these are only suggestions that I have found to work and were suggested to me by published authors. I know what it is like to become wrapped up in the story, you type fast but not fast enough to keep up with your train of thought. It is easy to forget the editing portion of writing.
Good going and don’t forget to set up your bioblock. Tell us something about yourself.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your material.
I just got through reading another one of your poems. You have a way of bringing commons problems to the front of your audience. You have expressed situations that we all face and can relate to. So not only is your writing tight, but it hits home.
Again thank you. By the way I am afraid that trait is becoming more common in the work place. It is sad but true.
How sad, I wonder if this was written from personal experience or from a situation you imagined. Either way, you have expressed yourself very well. You were able to bring your audience in with the first paragraph. I appreciate writing that sways feelings in a direction so strongly.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read this and express my comments
I am a scfi/fantasy writer as well. However, I have note posted any of it on line yet. I am new to writing.com as well. Look forward to visiting your port.
Talk about tearing your heart out, my goodness. I am so sorry for your loss. The way you expressed yourself makes me cry which of course, means you did a good job. Such sad words to share with us, I hope that your wounds heal but your memory stays strong. Keep writing.
I love that last line. It brought a little humor to a sad situation. I am sorry for your friend. Divorce is difficult, but especially after such a long time. I hope that your friend had the chance to read this submission. He or she would have appreciated it I am sure.
I have read many help tips from you as a newbie. This is not only helpful, but sheds light on one of my main concerns. That concern being why my items have been viewed several time, but not rated. I didn’t realize that readers without memberships search and read our ports.
Thank you for all of the helpful information and the break down of stats.
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